When pwBPD discard, is common to walk away leave all their possessions?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I know the whole ID&:) principals.  However, I'm just wondering is it common when a nonBPD is discarded, due pwBPD often just leave everything behind?

My wife recently discarded me after 17 years and when she did, she left everything behind.  We have been separated for two years, but were still in each others life until about six months ago.  Without all of the detail, she has discarded me and has started another relationship.  Since we initially separated she has stated she wants a divorce many times. Since the discarding, we have had little contact, but when do she says she still wants a divorce and I do as well.  I don't see any way back from what she has done and the way she has treated me. Nevertheless, she left everything behind, our dog, all of the furniture and stuff we have acquired together, sentimental things only important to her, our house we own together, etc. Yet no push for the divorce or attempt to get her stuff.  But if I contact her she is for the most part rude and disrespectful and cites how much she wants a divorce. 

Has anyone else had this experience and understand why she would behave this way?  I would think she would be pushing the divorce more than anything?

[RealizationBPD]

So I know the whole ID&:) principals.  However, I'm just wondering is it common when a nonBPD is discarded, due pwBPD often just leave everything behind?

My wife recently discarded me after 17 years and when she did, she left everything behind.  We have been separated for two years, but were still in each others life until about six months ago.  Without all of the detail, she has discarded me and has started another relationship.  Since we initially separated she has stated she wants a divorce many times. Since the discarding, we have had little contact, but when do she says she still wants a divorce and I do as well.  I don't see any way back from what she has done and the way she has treated me. Nevertheless, she left everything behind, our dog, all of the furniture and stuff we have acquired together, sentimental things only important to her, our house we own together, etc. Yet no push for the divorce or attempt to get her stuff.  But if I contact her she is for the most part rude and disrespectful and cites how much she wants a divorce. 

Has anyone else had this experience and understand why she would behave this way?  I would think she would be pushing the divorce more than anything?

[Stolen]

Not just the xW, but also my two daughters.  They left with basically the clothes on their backs (she had plenty of $ to restock), and also the good artwork and Tiffany silver.

But - trophies, plaques, scrapbooks, the dog, etc., etc., etc.   Stuff you would think they would care about.


Going to have one hell of a tag sale once I can bring myself to it. 

[Rayban]

I've never had this happen to me. What I read into it, is that she's using you for free storage. If it's not already done, I would take a detailed inventory including defferentiaing what was yours and what was hers before the relationship, and stuff you acquired together.  I get the feeling she's going to bring it up in the settlement.
 

[RealizationBPD]

Stolen, how long has your xW been gone?

Rayban, I could understand the storage part possibly.  But I have something very precious to her that is irreplaceable.  In lieu of how she has treated me, if the shoe were on the other foot I would want to make sure she didn't do something with my most valuable possessions.  Also I could see her wanting what she can get out of the divorce, but the question is why no request for divorce if based on her leaving in the first place, that is what she wanted. But no action taken at all. Strange!

[Stolen]

Stolen, how long has your xW been gone?

2012.  This has been a long running opera for sure.   Goodwill loves me for the clothes donations, but the kid stuff I just can't bare to discard.  So I maintain a morgue.

[Ahoy]

Stolen, how long has your xW been gone?

Rayban, I could understand the storage part possibly.  But I have something very precious to her that is irreplaceable.  In lieu of how she has treated me, if the shoe were on the other foot I would want to make sure she didn't do something with my most valuable possessions.  Also I could see her wanting what she can get out of the divorce, but the question is why no request for divorce if based on her leaving in the first place, that is what she wanted. But no action taken at all. Strange!

Same thing happened here. She was in another state and I heard she told her friends and family I threw all her stuff out when we split. I eventually managed to package it all together and leave it at an education warehouse where her parents collect their school supplies.

But yeah, really important things to her, personal scrapbooks, all that sort of stuff just left behind for months. Her replacement eventually contacted me after his discard and said the same thing, she left everything behind and when he tried to return it, she called the Police on him sighting domestic violence!

My thinking is that it leaves an avenue open to reconnect if they feel the urge to recycle. Perhaps it's so IF a recycle does occur, all their things are there so they might be returning to something familiar.

Of course, it's a spectrum disorder and everyone is different. I have picked up, however that this is a reasonably common theme, to some degree!

[Stolen]

My thinking is that it leaves an avenue open to reconnect if they feel the urge to recycle. Perhaps it's so IF a recycle does occur, all their things are there so they might be returning to something familiar.

That's not quite my take on it - I think the "unstable sense of self" tenet means there really is nothing to walk away from, since it was never really "them".   And off they go to build another house of cards to discard in time.

It must be absolute hell to have no foundation underneath you.

[HopinAndPrayin]

Has anyone else had this experience and understand why she would behave this way?

Yes.  I recently separated (royal discard) from my husband.  When I say separated, he ran out for the sixth time.  Left photos of his mother who had passed, all his "prized sentimental possessions" from family vacations, and every single item I had ever given him.

Each time he ran out, he would address some of the inconsistencies I oh so helpfully pointed out from the last run out.  (Seriously. wth was I thinking?)  So each time he was triggered and started a survival run, he got better about finding an apartment, buying a new used car (obvs no research on whether it was reliable), setting up a new phone, smearing me at his place of work and with his family.  So yeah, they can leave behind almost anything because they don't attach to people or things and then get triggered into Splitting and just want to be away from us, no matter the cost.

Extra bonus, it makes it that much easier to come across as a wounded victim needing someone strong and empathetic / empathic to help rescue them. Vicious cycle, my friend.  

Be careful.  My attorney told me to put it in a storage unit, but then you are legally responsible for paying the rent on it until they collect their belongings, which could be never.  Apparently we are all made of money and having a severely mentally ill spouse doesn't devastate the finances in addition to the heart.

[RealizationBPD]

Stolen

but the kid stuff I just can't bare to discard.  So I maintain a morgue.

Sorry to hear that you're going through this.  :)o you see your kids at all? Or you don't know where they are at?

Ahoy and Stolen:

My thinking is that it leaves an avenue open to reconnect if they feel the urge to recycle. Perhaps it's so IF a recycle does occur, all their things are there so they might be returning to something familiar.

That's not quite my take on it - I think the "unstable sense of self" tenet means there really is nothing to walk away from, since it was never really "them".   And off they go to build another house of cards to discard in time.

They both seem plausible to me.  This very sentimental item she has left is an Olympic torch she carried. It sits on my fireplace mantle.  I have to look at it all the time. Also the memories associated with it were with me and my father as the only spectators to this event.  The rest of her family was back home in another state.  I figure what you said Ahoy, it leaves an avenue for re-connection.  At the same time my other thought is she doesn't want things that remind her of me for what ever reason.  If that is in haste or because she doesn't want to have to face the mess she has left behind.  

[RealizationBPD]

Thanks for your feedback HopinAndPrayin.  Sorry you are going through the same. I'm glad there are other people to share this with, although, I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy.   My wife has ran out several times over the years, including on Thanksgiving one year.  She told me throughout our relationship that things were so bad at home as a kid, that she constantly ran away to her boyfriend's house and practically lived with his family.

Once she ran out and lived with a friend for a month, because I wouldn't marry her.  What was I thinking to ultimately marry her? Stupid! Once she ran out (separated for a year) and got her own apartment.  I found out she was idealizing a married man. She came home for a year,  went to rehab, all seemed to be on track, but I guess things were too normal, so she had to create chaos.  She upped and moved into her friend and husbands spare bedroom with their two kids for almost a year.  There was never a solid reason.  She is crazy as they come. Yet still I love her, but this craziness has to end.  I have suffered enough. She is still that little girl running away from home, but now 41 years old.

[Stolen]

Stolen
Sorry to hear that you're going through this.  :)o you see your kids at all? Or you don't know where they are at?

Real,

Since they moved out in 2012 I've seen them for less than 20 hours.  Now 18/21, this month marks two years that they have refused to see me at all.  They are local, the distance is not the limiting factor, rather the toxic cross-generational-coalition that they were drawn into.  This "splitting" of the family tree is something that goes back at least two generations in xW's FOO (as far back as I have knowledge of). 

If this was not so emotionally crippling it would make for a fascinating case study.  The generational reenactment of attachment trauma is a very daunting force... .

[HopinAndPrayin]

My wife has ran out several times over the years, including on Thanksgiving one year... .

She is still that little girl running away from home, but now 41 years old.

Oh, buddy, the stories I could tell you about running out on holidays!  The Valentine's Day (always a big trigger time for him) when he called the cops because during a fight he believed he choked me and was afraid he had killed me, but told them I had run out of the house.  He hadn't actually touched me.  What did he think the cops were going to do?  Calm him down.  Yes, he actually said that.

Here's my favorite though.  Halloween 2016.  He has a an episode because I ask why he isn't doing his diary cards for therapy knowing they a requirement for staying in the home.  He pushed me away from him at which point I said, look, we talked with your psychiatrist. You know the appropriate intervention at this point is for me to call the mental health officer (part of the local police force who focuses on emotionally disturbed individuals).  Can you sit down and do some self-soothing?  His response was to call the cops himself and looked me straight in the eye and menacingly said "Sh*t or get off the pot.  :)on't threaten me!"

Holidays seem to be particularly triggering, as you'll see in other posts.  This past Christmas he went on a 16 hour bender of fighting.  I called my family 5 minutes in and asked if we could celebrate on the 26th because I could tell it would be a doozy.  It was.  

On non-holidays he would get triggered and literally just start running down the street.  Often it was without his wallet, or his phone, which he carefully laid on he walkway to our house, there were a few times he ran out without shoes on and literally was running down the street.  The requirements to have someone committed or put on a hold are ridiculous - they must be a threat for suicide or homicide.  That's the intervention requirement.  By I'll tell you, after four rounds of Intensive Outpatient Programs in DBT, for there to be no improvement and no support from his family or from himself to do the work, I wish I had been the one to run away, potentially having to take the hit to my wallet, change my number, and leave behind my belongings.

This way is easier.  I get to keep all my things and am regaining my sanity.  They take that with them the first few times they run out.  I guess the more often they do it, the less of your sanity they can take because you get to see who has the actual issue.

My therapist, who deals with marriage therapy with personality disordered individuals said at the end of January the skill is to let them go and not to follow them.  Then do the work to see if this is something that you can live with - their constant chaos. Even if they get well with DBT, the chaos will always be there.  I have journals now three inches thick of five years worth of abuse.  It took a long time for me to learn that lesson.

[JRT]

... .she left everything behind and when he tried to return it, she called the Police on him sighting domestic violence!

WOW... .this struck a chord with me... .mine left some things behind that were keepsake kinds of things (on top of just junk)... .I tried to return the stuff to her and she called the police telling them that I was harassing her as well! I even took the stuff to a storage locker, told her sister that it was there and let the manager know that he was to give her open access. Through her sister, she informed me to simply discard all of it! I was amazed!

But it answered a few burning questions as to why she had so few material possessions when I met her and why what little she had, were mostly recent purchases.

[RealizationBPD]

I appreciate everyone's feedback.  Sadly, it's comforting and shocking to know so many other people have went through this with so many commonalities.

The requirements to have someone committed or put on a hold are ridiculous - they must be a threat for suicide or homicide.

H&P,  I have thought about this a lot over the last year. I understand why they made it so tough to have someone committed, based on how it use to be in the first half of last century.  I feel  at the same time there needs to be a process for friends and family to start a petition of some sort to work toward forcing someone to get help. Lives and potential are being wasted.

[Adastra]

When my husband wBPD left our home he barely took anything. I don't really understand it- agree with the possibility of some of the theories posed here. I think also in his head he has created a martyr narrative that he was doing me a favor by keeping it simple- though of course the reality is that all the responsibility of clearing out our home to sell the house landed on me.