Triangulation: did our therapist add to our problems

[kim2017]

I've written several posts about my break up with my ex who may have BPD (not sure). I am wondering if anyone has had experience with this type of therapist. I wonder if she added to our problems.

When he asked me to marry him, we decided to see a professional about slowly integrating our families. He recommended a lady that he had apparently seen since high school She was familiar with him, his family dynamics, and ex-wife.

We went individually and then the weekend before we broke up, we went together for our only couples session.

I really needed help understanding how to "validate" his feelings. I had no idea and she helped me ZERO. All she did was validate me and my feelings and tell me I am justified in feeling the way I did.

Several times she revealed things he said I felt were very confidential. For example she called me one day and said "He came in here and said ... ."

She then told him "watch out for her, there are sharks underneath those calm waters." When he told me this, I said to him I think she is doing more damage than good but he pushed to continue seeing her and despite my better judgment, I did.

The night we got into a fight, she called me and said he had confided in her about his accusation and she thought they were unfounded. She then told me to "GIVE IT A FEW DAYS' - the 24 which made him feel so abandoned by me.

After the breakup I was devastated and distraught. She said she begged for him to talk to me and he refused. However, almost all of what I know as to why he actually went NC with me is through her. Every single detail of what he told her, she would report back to me. I think she was trying to give me peace but who really knows.

The brief contact I did have with him, he said to me "go speak to our therapist and she will tell you how many psychological disorders you really have."

So I called her and she said to me "there is nothing wrong with you. You will find someone immediately. He on the other hand will never find anyone. He has NPD." I can tell you there is nothing narcisstic about this guy. I asked her if she thinks he has BPD and she said absolutely not.

She would bill me like a lawyer. She would talk to him, send me a txt asking me to call her back, I would (at her request), she would report every detail of what he said, then I would get a bill that even included the time for the txt message. I would just get a txt "please drop off $600 at your earliest convenience."

So within a month after we broke up I discontinued communication with her and sent her an email that said I want her to be his therapist since he's comfortable with her. She said "you have no idea what kind of person you are dealing with. That guy will never continue therapy so I will take you at a reduced rate of $50"

I cant tell if she was trying to be nice to me. She sends me occasional texts saying she is thinking of me and hopes that I am ok.

She also asked me several times "Have you ever seen him get angry?" and of course my answer was NO because he never was angry with me. Now I know what she was trying to ask me.

Its just weird. Why would she tell me not to call him if she had any clue that he would end it with me if I did that. She said so many bad things about him. My friends think she was trying to warn me without him.

I think she made a huge professional error in seeing us separately and leaking private communication to each of us.

Maybe she told him I have NPD. It certainly seems like she did.

[talking rose]

she sounds very unprofessional.  she should not be talking about each of you to the other without explicit permission.

[stimpy]

Is she actually a qualified therapist?

Where I live, I'm pretty sure she'd be struck off or at least reprimanded for such conduct. Random billing, boundary crossing, revealing confidential conversations etc... .

And how come he has known her so long? That to me is a huge 

[Gemsforeyes]

I think you said in another post that you learned after your breakup that he was still married when you met.  And without your knowledge, he commenced and finalized his divorce during your relationship.  Since he had been seeing this therapist since high school and she also knew his ex-wife, wouldn't there be a potential for her to spill those beans to you?  Since he lied to you about something like that, is there the possibility that he may have lied to you about the "calm waters" remark and her supposed NPD diagnosis of you?

How many times did you see her solo before the couples session?  Did he give her permission to share information?  In one of your phone calls it seems that he did.  So he may have signed something with her saying she COULD disclose information to you, but who knows... .and since hpshe was his therapist first, he obviously gave his blessing for her to see you.

I too think she was trying to warn you.  She may have seen the potential for physical abuse, but just couldn't come out and say it.  He has since made threats against you.  Those are always to be taken seriously. 

I believe right out of the gate, it would be difficult for her to help you learn to validate his feelings WITHOUT talking about him.  And likely, before she could do that, she needed to get to know, understand and validate your own feelings about what was happening.  There was obviously some pent up stuff going on within you, and you weren't fully aware of the extent of the pressure being placed on you.  It was a very difficult situation and you were trying desperately to make him feel secure.

He may not have been diagnosed with BPD, but that doesn't mean he doesn't exhibit some of the traits of BPD, NPD, paranoia or some other emotional/mental disorder.  Since you were looking to the therapist for ways to validate his feelings of insecurity, you knew there was more needed than just a way to integrate your families following his marriage proposal.

Not all therapists are good at therapy.  Some are awful.  Some are very good.  Oftentimes they have to stay mum or whisper when they'd rather scream reality at us.  It is a rare thing when a therapist comes right out and tells a person to do something.  My ex-husband (not the reason I came to this board) of 19 years and I had been to a therapist several times together.  We knew him very well.  A few years later things deteriorated and he wouldn't go back to therapy.  I asked him to write to me and communicate what he wanted from me.  We were living in our home together, but he was running all over town.  Well, he delivered what I came to call his "terrorist demands".  I took that list (solo) into our therapist.  He said to me... ."Gemsforeyes, I'm sorry, but you HAVE to get away from that man".  About three weeks later is when my lovely husband threw me across the room.  That was neither the first nor the last time I would experience the rage of a man.  Our marriage ended that night when he was arrested.

My therapist played no role in the demise of my marriage.  There were two of us involved.  But only one of us was committed.  The other one needs to be.

Please give yourself some peace for a bit.  You deserve it.

Gemsforeyes

[kim2017]

Gemsforeyes,

You're perspective is very interesting. My gut told me that she was trying to warn me but since she was "his" therapist, I just wasn't sure. Every single session she would ask me "have you ever seen him get angry." I wonder how much she knew.

As for the comment to him: "be careful there are sharks beneath those waters" I don't think that was appropriate. He threw that in my face so many times and rightfully so. She instilled insecurity in an already insecure man. However I think what she was trying to tell him was stop putting all your insecurities on her, she will get tired of it - which I did.

The night we broke up, she called me and told me to be careful, that he is recording everything I am saying. Again, I thought that was odd of her to reveal something he told her in confidence. I am not sure if he was or was not but I think it was another warning to me.

Subsequent to that she sent me numerous txts to say that I was the only one truly committed to the relationship and in not so many words, she said he had abandonment issues.

Either way, its been almost 6 months and all I have been doing is beating myself up, missing what I thought was a dream relationship, spending so much energy and money trying to get the closure I never got, and praying every night that he would miraculously show up. At minimum, I just wanted to be able to wish his kids (who I loved) simple things like Happy Birthday or ask how they are doing.

It wasn't until I got on this message board and thanks to people like you who have offered me so much help and insight that I FINALLY can see through this fog for what the relationship really was. Everyone, said I dodged a bullet. This could have happened after we got married. I never saw it until maybe just today. For the first time, I did not wake up depressed and feeling like a complete failure.

I am disappointed in myself that I didn't see the red flags. He always said I am naive. I now know much so.

After our third date he lied to me about his name, then gave me this weird story about how he feared I was a former client trying to manipulate him. He called me and begged me to give him another chance. I don't know why I did.

He told me he filed joint tax returns even though he was supposedly divorced. When I confronted him about his marital status he looked me straight in the eyes and said he made a mistake - that he was really divorced but accidentally filed jointly aka tax fraud.

I am in the legal profession. With one simple click I could have pulled his divorce records. I was so certain he was truthful I didn't bother. His wife's name was still on the deed to his house. Her clothes were all over the house. For 18 months I complained and complained about all this - brought it up to him and he had a valid, believable excuse for each one. She's on the deed because she was selfless in letting the kids maintain their home because she wanted nothing to do with them. Her clothes were still in the house because she apparently was living in a temporary residence and he was showing kindness by storing it for her until she found permanent residence. Because I had such a good, close relationship with my ex husband,  I thought he was just exercising the same kindness towards her.

He lied with such a straight face and because I believed he did so many good deeds in his profession, I thought there is no way this saintly person who loves me so much would lie to me. It just didn't fit the picture of what I saw - this polished, educated professional who brought me into his home, in front of his kids, his family, the world - how could he lie about so many substantive things like his marital status.

His ex wife knew about us. Perhaps she was happy I came along and finally set her free. Perhaps she was too scared to leave before. Who really knows.

I have closure and clarity. Thanks  in a great part to this amazing forum of people who are wiling to share their stories, offer advice, and allow me to vent.

I just have to figure out now how to put my focus and energy into fixing myself. I would appreciate any advice.

[balletomane]

I am a children's therapist in the UK. While I agree with Gems that you shouldn't assume your ex's version of events is correct or truthful, there are still plenty of concerning things in your therapist's behaviour. If I were to behave like that with my clients and their families I'd be facing a fitness to practise hearing. Letting the therapy relationship spill well beyond the sessions (and exploiting this financially), talking to each of you about the other behind the other's back (and even if your ex is lying about what the therapist said, any clinician worth their salt should know that doing this leaves the door wide open to misinterpretations and misunderstandings), and 'diagnosing' your partner to you (unless she's a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist, she isn't qualified to diagnose) are all red flags. The length of time she's been treating him is also a concern. From the teenage years to the present day? That's concerning. In the comparatively rare cases when a teenager does require long-term therapy, it's not recommended for it to be with the same therapist - that opens a whole can of worms for both client and therapist. In training we are taught to take a step back when we start to feel possessive of a client - the idea that they are ours, we alone can help them, etc. - and it sounds to me as if this therapist has fallen into that way of thinking about your ex. I am sorry that you had such a negative experience with treatment, and I hope in the future you find a clinician who is more boundaried and supportive.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Kim-
I obviously do agree with what Balletomane said, but my bottom line to you still stands, and I do NOT want to hurt you anymore than you're hurting; but I don't believe the therapist caused your relationship to end.

I have a lot of things I'd like to share with you to perhaps help with your steps toward healing.  Do you want to start a new thread, or do messaging?  I don't want to get mired in conversations about therapists.  Please Balletomane, I don't intend ANY disrespect at all.  My therapist helped save my life!

Gemsforeyes

[kim2017]

I believe both are correct. Only we are responsible for our break up and no one else and this would have happened one way or another.

However, she undoubtedly committed professional malpractice. While I appreciate her concern and potentially her trying to warn me, the things she said to me are completely unfair to him, as he was her patient/client as well. The right thing for her to do, if she sensed a conflict, was to withdraw or recommend we each get our own individual therapists or see us both together at the same time (not separately and then report back to the other).

She was very nice to me, and I sincerely appreciate that, but her job wasn't to warn me behind his back - or warn him behind my back, or tell me he is recording me (even if he was). Our last weekend together, we went to her as our first and only couples therapy. Before, we only went individually.  To both of us she said our problems are minimal and that she believes we will have a successful, long-term relationship.

In all of the conversations post-break up, they were centered around revealing his confidential discussions to me and telling me how great I am and how he has less opportunities than me. Her statement "you will find someone in 5 minutes. Who is going to want him" might have sounded flattering, but it made me sick to my stomach and it was at that point that I thought this lady is awful. Who says that? Even if that's her opinion. Why wouldn't anyone want him? There is someone for everyone and its awful for her to have said that about someone (he) who was going to her for guidance.

I tried desperately to talk to him about this. He needed to know. I was/am worried he is still going to her. He absolutely refused to have any contact with me. In the brief time I was able to speak to him (a total of maybe 1 hour post break up in the past 6 months which consisted mostly of cussing me out), I told him there are things about his therapist he needs to know and his response was that it was my attempt at being manipulative. That I was trying to put the blame on someone else when all of this was 10000% solely my fault - "you, you, you, you, ALL YOU you crazy manipulative, psychotic ___!" is all he kept saying to me, and of course, I agreed because I was the one who hung up the phone and abandoned him. At that point, and until recently, all I believed was that I was the cause of our break up.

Gemsforeyes,
I would love and appreciate any advice. I am not sure how to message but perhaps if you send me one, I will get a notification of some sort.

Thank you again.