Heartbroken and feeling so exhausted

[Chambers]

Good morning lovely people,

I would firstly like to say I am thankful that I have found this site as I can finally start to build the puzzle that has lead me up and down the garden park for the better part of 14 years.

Originally from the UK I started work in Australia and after 3 months of knowing my husband - Mr H  he proposed and we were married within 6 months, still placed on his pedestal 18 months later i started to find my feet in the still foreign place, but taking some of my life choices in directions that I felt good about. This is when everything started to change. I can only summarise what his stories have been to offer you an insight:

Jealous of my friends and family; he longs to belong and feel wanted; this is daliy feeling

Says that I will never have a real career and I should just face facts; our life is all about his achievements

He can't handle the decisions he makes so alienates himself but blames me for being so controlling

Wants everything his way otherwise he is terribly unhappy; even when I give in then he blames me for not wanting to participate in his activities and that I don't care

He will always choose excitement/drama over fact; most of what happens day to day is assumed as malicious or devious behaviour; everyone is out to get him

He exaggerates and lies to get his own way; only white lies when I make a stand and proceed to follow my plan

He thinks that I am using him and doesn't know why I am with him; he believes he is broken

The feeling of abandonment and emptyness even when things are going well!

I could continue but in a nutshell I have been in counselling for most of my married life; I have an anxiety predisposition and decided with the help of my psych Anne to change my life and perspective. I always thought it was me.  I came off my meds 12 months ago and have been working on my self ever since. Over the years counsellors have mentioned that Mr H has a BPD but I choose to ignore and believed it was me. We have recentlyl moved interstate and just before we packed up I asked to go to marriage counselling; sadly this put Mr H in a downward spiral of despair and anger. To conclude our sessions she told me about Stop Walking On Eggshells. 18 months on I have only just had the courage to start reading it. I feel like the book is written about him. I'm heartbroken. I can't see past the grief at the moment. I feel so sad for him; I feel so sad that it has taken me this long to admit this. I feel so sad for me. So here I am, putting it out there my last attempt to save myself from heartache and to bring the best out in him.

Thank you for reading and I am looking forward to journey of enlightenment.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chambers]

Would love your thoughts!

I have been free from counselling for over 6 months now and have been shown some tools to use when I feel overwhelmed by Mr H (hubby) of 14 years who I recently found out suffers with BPD.

One of these tools has been to keep a daliy journal identifying my thoughts and feeling and rationalising them and being more assertive with my values. This has been such an increble tool which has got me to a point of self assurance since coming off my antidepressants of 10 years. I have been married for 14 but Mr H has always told me that I am unstable with my emotions.

When I embarked on my Belief Journal I thought that I would tell Mr H about my progress; now I did not really believe that he was BPD at this stage and was only focusing on me, i have been only focusing on me for the last 18 months if truth be known. I secretly wanted Mr H to also do the therapy so we could better understand each other's needs, but naturally as always he said I needed the help not him. Working though my journal daily I would write down Mr H's comments and demands; and I would then write down how they made me feel so I could then deal with that feeling. baring in mind I had just come off my antidepressants so my emotions were all over the place and I wrote some really powerful thoughts like he manipulates me, he is demanding, he lies to me etc. Mr H is very untrusting of our relationship even after 14 years and found the book, copied each page and has put it on his laptop. I only found this file 2 weeks ago... .I apologised that he came across the book,  I know he went looking for it because he also went through my emails, I calmly asked him about the actions he had taken and what was the purpose of keeping this file on the laptop for a constant reminder. He keeps it as a reminder of how I truly feel about him.

Not sure how to approach this one :-(

Interesting enough though he only brings this up as fuel now for blame and punishment. But it is still on his laptop. Very sad.

[Turkish]

 Hello Chambers,



I think your journal was a good idea.  It seems like it helped you.  Of course it's unfortunate that he found it... .

You said that he lies, and uses your journaled thoughts to punish you.  How does he lie,  and what kind of of punishment?

Turkish

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Chambers-
I wrote a long response to your post about your devastating journal experience, but when i finished writing and tried to reply, your post had been moved so it wouldn't allow me!  I snapped pix with my iPad.  I'll retype tomorrow and post it then.  I also write constantly and definitely have some thoughts for you.  I'm in the U.S. and it's 1:27AM, so I need to head off to dreamland.

I hope We'll begin to move through some things tomorrow.

Sleep peacefully.

Gemsforeyes

[Chambers]

Sadly tonight was another outburst from Mr H. I had cooked dinner, he said he was going to be heading out for drinks but it got late, so I called. To have him come home an hour later an bring the 'I'm so unhappy' story again. To be honest I don't quite know why I am doing this really yet again.

I felt nothing tonight, apologised again because he found the journal. I feel he punishes me by bring it up all the time, part of me is sad that he found it, but I'm not sorry for doing it because it was a great help at the time. He says that it is the same feeling as if he had of found me in bed with his best friend! He constantly reminds me of what a selfish young lady I am and that I have made him so unhappy. Everything I have done during our marriage has never lived up to his expectations, not once. And yes there have been times when I have pushed back and said enough is enough and done what I wanted to do. But we really are going around in circles at the moment. Oh and the lies are normally about silly things like conversations, that he has spoken to someone about something. I then find out somehow that it never happened and it was an excuse to get his point across! Or he says he has done something (normally important) and then I get a reminder or find out it never happened.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Chambers-
I'm so so sorry you're dealing with this painful situation.  I was just reminded of your post and the fact that I failed to retype my initial response to you.  I have to run out for errands now, but will do that tonight.  I really want to be here for you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Chambers]

Thank you Gemsforeyes, I've woken up this morning really not knowing what to think, scared if nothing else. Oh late I have found myself defending myself and correcting him on his misinformation; and let's face it, it's doesn't really matter or have any positive outcome other than fuel for the fire. I still have subconscious knee jerk reactions that I need to identify. But my question is do I defend myself when he is throwing the blame? I heard myself last night saying 'No I will not take responsibility for that, but I can see why you would think it is my fault, but  I can't help how you feel I can only offer you reasons for my actions but if you are not able to listen then I can't help you' but I say that to everything now! The more assertive I am the more Victim/poor me he becomes. I do think I have a co dependency issue though, reading another post on here has lead me to believe that I am unable to let go of rescue. But deep down I know he can not be rescued.  But I can rescue myself perhaps.

[Turkish]

After 3.5 years of being here,  and knowing the tools,  I fell into this trap with my ex,  the mother of our children, just last night in a short text exchange.  Explaining,  trying to correct facts. It's a no-win situation. The winning move is often not to play in the first place.

Have you had a chance to look at the lessons here,  at the right of the board, or at the top? Lesson 3 covers the communication tools which can help to reduce conflict. In your situation right now,  the following might be particularly helpful:

2.02 | Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

2.06 | Arguing - Don't Engage

Take a look and tell us if you think this is helpful.

T

[Chambers]

Turkish, I haven't fully read even a quarter of the threads on this forum and this is just great to have you highlight some of the few things that are important. So thank you.

Wow JADEing, yes for the most part that was my strategy or has been, but just listening to Mr H contort the truth and swing things around backwards I'm in disbelief most of the time at his outrageous accusations.

Last night he said some cruel and probably untrue statements; his work friends think I am using him, he has told people about our lack of intimacy and how I am lazy etc. I'm not one to be bothered by what people think but we have just moved interstate and the only people I know are his work friends. It is not nice to think I may be the topic of conversation.

[Turkish]

It was 3 years after our dissolution when my ex admitted to me that her friends at the time encouraged her to leave and find her own happiness. They didn't really know what read going on,  nor who she could be behind closed doors.  Of course they would validate her,  as your husband's work friends are.  They don't know,  as they aren't going through what you are.  How do you know this anyway? He's telling you,  right? Might be good for your mental health to shut this down,  in that you don't need to know what they think. 

[Chambers]

Yes you are quite right, and it could be all made up to get a rise as usual. Maybe next time I will say to him that it's good that he has people to confide in and made some good friends. Thing is when I validate I feel like I'm being patronising.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Chambers-
I want to join Turkish here and encourage you to not take to heart things your H "says" he tells his co-workers about you.  It simply doesn't matter, and my money is on the line that he hasn't told them anything negative about you.  There is a chance these things are being said to make you feel insecure.  After all, he has stolen and read your personal journal.  He is angry and hurt by your feelings, so he may see this as a way to "pay you back" for what he perceives you've done "to him".  Although you've done nothing wrong and nothing "to him" by writing in your personal journal.

I really need to get what I wrote to you and re-type that for you.  My journal is such a life saver for me, and I don't want you to stop doing your writing.  I believe yours has brought you to today.  And to this wonderful community.

And dear Chambers... .many of us on here have issues with codependency, that's part of makes of so appealing to our partners in the first place, and what makes us want to work so hard on the relationship.

May I ask you, why do you feel scared?  Is your situation safe right now or do you feel that you are in danger?  Please try to explain that if you can.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Chambers]

Thank you for your kind words Gemsforeyes.

My Dad has a BPD and I see the struggle mum has had with him all my life. However she managed him very well.

I think after all these years I am relieved, overwhelmed and thankful that I have finally found the courage to face this head on. Two of my councillors had indicated that Mr H is BPD but he will not pursue help, because he is terrified but also thinks he is fine, he has managed this long. When I wrote that I am scared, I'm scared of the outcome. Whilst being terribly unhappy at times coupled with a desire to continue in the relationship because I believe in him. Part of me wonders why I have been delt this hand. I'm 42 and really want children, but all these years have put it off because I didn't understand Mr H and his difficulties. But after reading some of these posts I think it is fair to say  I need to learn and take my time.

[Tottie]

Mine did the same, telling me (fabricated) stories about how some ' friends' thought about me. I never met them, so it can be true that they are fiction. She just use them, to critize me without being accountable for the content of the message.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Chambers-

When did you learn that your dad had BPD?  When you say your mom managed him very well, does that mean you view their marriage as a good partnership and your dad worked on himself within the relationship?  Was your dad present for you and your brothers/sisters?  Has your mom shared much about her "struggles" and successes with you? 

When you first noticed your husband's behavior after those first 18 months together, do you have any idea what triggered him?  Probably not.  Did you think "BPD" straightaway, or did it take you awhile to arrive at that conclusion.  Have you spoken to your mom about your husband?

Not everyone with a disorder fits into a nice little box, so approaches, boundary setting, etc are different with everyone.  But there are likely certain methods that can be applied to dissolve heightened tensions and conflicts and establish boundaries.

With my undiagnosed BPD ex-boyfriend, who I initially thought was my dream come true, his first unprovoked rage came out of nowhere.  I was stunned.  I THOUGHT I had never seen anything like that, and I had been through some trauma in my past.  After I forgave that, then there were lies, stupid ones, stealing things (that he admitted to), more silly lies, unbelievable rages, calling me names, constant threats to leave me, and all the anger always was with this horrible screaming voice.  I forgave it all. 

And then I realized I HAD seen a lot of this before... .my sister has done this to me since I was 11 years old.  That relationship is not voluntary.  This relationship with my lover is Voluntary.  What seemed unpredictable about him became very predictable.  I could sometimes see it coming with him and I would try to head it off, and for a while sometimes that did work.  Then something happened that changed how I looked at him and us.  Mine never cheated on me.  He's now waiting for me to ask him back, but since I keep reading my journal that's unlikely to happen.  He doesn't remember what he's done to me.  I do.

I hear you saying you are committed to learning how to work on your marriage.  Is Mr. H committed to working on your marriage and the relationship?  Hopefully he does have quiet, calm times when you can sit and talk eye to eye and tell him, with some of the tools, that you want to improve your happiness as a couple.  Ask him if he does, and what does that look like for him?  But remember, it's not all about him.  You deserve happiness and he needs to understand that.

I also hear you say you really want children but maybe don't know if Mr H is the "right" person with whom to have a child?   This is very difficult to have these two enormous thoughts and hoping they will intersect.   Has the topic of having children ever been discussed at length?  Perhaps try this after you've read a bit more about the communication tools on the board.

I don't mean to bombard you, I'm sorry.  Take your time and think about these things in pieces.

All my best,
Gemsforeyes

[Chambers]

Dear Chambers-

When did you learn that your dad had BPD?  When you say your mom managed him very well, does that mean you view their marriage as a good partnership and your dad worked on himself within the relationship?  Was your dad present for you and your brothers/sisters?  Has your mom shared much about her "struggles" and successes with you.

I'm an only child so when Dad took early retirement at 57 due to stress and ill health that is when we really started to notice a huge shift in negative behaviour. I lived and studied away from home so mum effectively had to deal with it herself. Much of Dad's symptoms were depression but being a hypochondriac and claiming he suffers with extreme side effects would not work with the dr to find a suitable resolution. Mum is incredibly patient but at a price. She doesn't drive; dad said she would be a failure if she tried and I really everything that she has ever wanted to do Dad will refuse unless we hold his hand. He fears life itself and getting worst with old age. Growing up I was always closer to mum, Dad disconnected himself some what when I hit teen years. I wasn't the cute little girl anymore who ran to him for hugs. He wouldn't help me with my homework; claimed we did it his way or the highway. His way was not the way I needed to be taught so I struggled. Dad is very cleaver and mum and I would try desperately to get him to see the benefits of learning about what I needed to do. Always ended in mum and dad arguing. So I ended up taking extra lessons to keep up. It's only in my adult years learning how to deal with depression and my own beliefs that Mum and I have concluded that Dad's childhood moulded him into an insecure attention seeking recluse. Dad as a young child was forced to wear all white, so not only was bullied throughout his years but not allowed to play for the fear of getting dirty. It was all for appearances back in the forties and his parents did not have a great deal of money, but worked hard.

Dad has not been formally diagnosed but for the last 20 years mum and I her researched and sort answers. Mum uses the SET theory often and I have always thought that she was very passive letting him get with irrationally concepts and vowed  that I would be more assertive in my relationships. But here I am cause myself grief for doing that.

Mum and I talk all the time about her struggles. Dad is by far worst than my husband, dad is simmering all the time. I can't be around him and he triggers me too much, 1 or 2 days max and I'm out. They lived with Mr H and I for 2 years and that is when everything changed for all of us. Arguements, tantrums and angry outbursts from both Dad and hubby. So mum understands my position to and we talk often.

[Chambers]

When you first noticed your husband's behavior after those first 18 months together, do you have any idea what triggered him?  Probably not.  Did you think "BPD" straightaway, or did it take you awhile to arrive at that conclusion.  Have you spoken to your mom about your husband?

After 18 months I started to get some confidence in finding my feet in Australia having left the UK and everything that I had known. It was when I started to venture out and saying 'No I'm not interested in going 4wd driving again babe' he started to feel abandoned. I started to forge a beauty career for myself and he started to put me down staying that I needed to get a proper job and stop socialising, he was jealous that I loved my job and formed some great friendships. I was diagnosed with hashimotos disease and hit rock bottom,18 mths in and he did not want to hear about it or support me so heading around to friends and drank himself stupid. His friends played into his insecurities and made him believe that I was the one with the problem. Mr H had a very disruptive and dysfunctional childhood passed around to who ever won the argument. Parents split at 2 years and high functioning alcoholic mother used Mr H as a pawn to get what she wanted from anyone and everyone. Mr H learnt to run when the going got tough so has never had to deal with anything head on but because of his undeveloped emotions he gets terribly stressed and this is when the #$&# hits the fan. It's only the last 12 months that I have realised that I can't argue, I mustn't  antagonise, not take things personally or believe what he says when he is cycling through his irrational argument. We don't argue anymore, we discuss now abet sometimes heated but I am working on that.

I will be really honest with you all who are reading this, and it pains me to say this but I know some of you will nod to some degree. Over the years I have held back on the intimacy because I have been so heartbroken and drained. Withheld sex because of his behaviour and if I'm truthful after my thyroid diagnosis my sex drive plummeted.

Mr H keeps a chalk board, he has a remarkable memory every negative comment or situation that he has incounted with me, lack of intimacy, finding my journal, he will use in every challenge. I don't pick up the gauntlet now but  get really over it at times because there have been some terrible situations that he has created far worst that what he accuses me of.

In the normal way Mr H can function daily if he is left to his own devices, there is money in the bank and he feels understood with regular intimacy. But he needs to be free from stress! we are going through a very stressful period at the moment hence why I am reaching out. I'm an optimist and would love children, I think he would make a fabulous father as he has some amazing qualities even my mum can see that. We would need some medical intervention because of my thyroid condition so we have spoken about it; I miscarriaged 4 years ago. But if I can offer the intimacy he would feel wanted. It's the only thing I haven't really worked on, I have felt that if I give him the very thing he so desperately needs I am reinforcing his bad behaviour.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Chambers-

Thank you for being so honest.  I know how hard some of these issues are to face, let alone discuss.  I want to just touch on the intimacy issue briefly first.  It may be a little different for men, they'll have to chime in and let us know.  I can only speak as a woman.

I never actually purposely withheld intimacy from my ex-boyfriend, I just became more dis-interested in him overall as as a man for two reasons. 1) he was such a selfish and lazy lover and 2) his behavior had started to make me feel distant.  I truly understand that part.  When I wanted him to maintain his calm for a few days, I made sure I "took care" of him.  So I guess I DID use sex to control his rages once I caught on that it might help sometimes (it didn't always, though).

Does Mr. H have the ability, the inclination or the insight as a man to know how to make YOU feel wanted?  Is that a gentle conversation you think you could have with him?  Chambers, you are very self-aware and seem very tuned in to what his triggers are and what he needs to maintain balance. Perhaps you can explain to him what sorts of things make you feel loved.  (Behaviors, small acts of kindness) and that will make you want to be intimate with him.  Explain that you'd like to feel closer to him.  With woman, there is a more direct link between our emotions and our bodies.  Maybe see if you can create that understanding for him.

I wish I knew something about your medical situation so I could help with that.  There may be a good herbalist who can offer insights and remedies for you there.  Of course you want to ensure that any herbs you use don't conflict with any medication you have to take.  In the U.S. These practitioners are often called homeopathic MD's.  Chambers, You're a young and wonderful woman and you deserve to feel every bit of your vitality.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[BeagleGirl]

I will be really honest with you all who are reading this, and it pains me to say this but I know some of you will nod to some degree. Over the years I have held back on the intimacy because I have been so heartbroken and drained. Withheld sex because of his behaviour and if I'm truthful after my thyroid diagnosis my sex drive plummeted.

Chambers,
Your statement above resonates with me, so I'd like to share a bit of my story and see if some of the advice that my therapist is giving me helps you.

I'm currently separated from dBPDh of 22 years.  One of the main reasons that I am not marching back to the marriage with BPD handling tools in hand is that I can't imagine being physically intimate with him again and marriage=physical intimacy in his mind (mine as well).  I spent about 20.5 years acting on the belief that I was responsible for meeting his sexual needs, regardless of the emotional state of our marriage.  Part of that "burden" was his chronic (and covert) struggle with pornography and masturbation.  I felt like I had to "protect him from temptation" by being sexually available to him no matter what.  There were times when I felt used.  There were times when I had sex with him out of fear that if I didn't I would face, once again, the pain of discovering that his pornography use was rampant.  There were times when I didn't want sex, but could consider it a gift to him, on par with him rubbing my back when he didn't feel like it.   There were also periods when I felt close to him and sex was good for both of us, but then be convinced that I must not be enough because I'd find more porn or he would do something that was blatantly hurtful.

It's only been in the past year or so that I've really started to understand the level of emotional abuse that BPDh has wielded all through our marriage.  I've tried to get back to that place of "sex is a gift I can give him, even if I don't really feel like it", but much of our physical "intimacy" for the past year and a half has felt like violation, because there's been very little emotional intimacy and the abuse, if not more frequent, is more blatant.  Not that his behavior has changed significantly, but I'm now confronting it and realizing that he's not repentant, so trust is practically gone.  It's really hard to feel emotionally intimate with someone you don't trust.  

So for the first time I'm "withholding" sex.  This has not gone over well with BPDh and I face F.O.G. continually in this area.  What has been a tremendous help for me has been finding a therapist who has asked me to look at physical intimacy as a mutual celebration of a loving relationship.  Wielding it as a reward for "good behavior" is wrong, but so is demanding that your sexual needs be met while ignoring/refusing your spouse's need for emotional intimacy, financial security, etc.  

I can understand some shame around using sex as a reward/punishment.  If that is what YOU feel you are doing, you may need to spend some time coming to terms with your manipulative behavior.  If that is what BPDh feels, but you are honestly not using sex as a manipulative tool, then BPDh gets to deal with his feelings about it and you aren't obligated to behave any differently just because HE feels that way.

What BPDh (yours and mine) don't seem to understand is that you can't separate the man who has been raging and saying hateful things 30 minutes earlier (and may be doing so again 30 minutes later) from the man who is currently rubbing your feet and telling you how beautiful and desirable you are.  Like a dog that has been repeatedly beaten, you are skeptical of the "treat" that is being held out to you.  You don't want to be close enough to be hurt, and sex is an incredibly "close" and vulnerable thing.  Below is an excerpt from an article I found on emotional abuse.  I wept when I read it, because I had been having nightmares of being raped by my husband and thought it must be something wrong with me.

"One of the most consistent characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is her inability to sexually respond to her husband.  Loss of sexual desire for her partner is an inevitable consequence of the deterioration of trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy that result from long-term abuse.  This loss is not voluntary on the woman's part.  She hears messages from her own upbringing, her husband, or the church that accuse her of not being a good wife if she does not meet her husband's sexual needs.  This causes her to experience feelings of guilt.

The wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex have been torn asunder.  Intimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship.  Yet she is still expected to meet her husband's sexual needs.

In order to manage her emotions, the woman will often detach herself emotionally from what is going on; becoming more of an observer than a participant.  The guilt over not being able to be more responsive can be overwhelming.  Yet, no matter how hard she tries, she cannot respond.  Her partner adds to her dilemma with statements such as "If you really loved me, you would do this for me," "A good wife is supposed to satisfy her husband," or "If I just wanted sex, I could get that anywhere, but I'm a faithful husband.  You should take care of me or maybe I'll have to get my needs met elsewhere."  She is left feeling guilty, inadequate, afraid, and helpless.

It cannot be emphasized enough that even if the individual controlling and hurtful acts of the abuser are not extreme, the cumulative effect of his tactics is oppressive and destructive to the woman experiencing them."

I hope this helps.

BeagleGirl

[Chambers]

Hi BeagleGirl,

Thank you for sharing your story, I found myself nodding and astonished that the last part; the article is spot on. Wow and I thought something was seriously wrong with me. But there is two sides to this. My conscious manipulative behaviour and subconscious distance towards him. Makes for a challenging  combination and ongoing topic of conversation from Mr H.

I have been very aware that I withdraw intimatacy and have done with a couple of my lovers and husband. I had a few sexual incounters in my late teens that gave me the opinion that all men want is sex and they will do anything to get there kicks. I also found sex was uncomfortable most of the time so decided that it probably wasn't necessary for me to offer unless I really wanted it and felt safe and loved.

Thankfully Mr H is very loving when it comes to intimacy, a passionate lover who makes me feel safe and loved; so why do I do what I do? There has only been one occasion where I was really triggered and upset which Mr H throws at me every now and then. We had been married 2 years, I was newly diagnosed with hashimotos and Mr H spent more time with his friends than me;because I was too demanding. I was just so over everything but made the choice to cook, open a bottle of wine and try and relax with Mr H; no expectations my part of the outcome. Although I was terrible hurt and sad that Mr H would not take the time to understand my condition. Mr H got drunk, I stopped at 2 glasses of wine feeling tired. Mr H got annoyed and started to bring out the spirits pouring glass after glass. I could also see that Mr H was getting very frisky which is why I stopped drinking. Mr H gets even more disfunctional when drinking and tried to get me in the mood; his actions implicated that he just wanted sex, that I had been drinking and that meant it was a green light for him. Feeling hurt and seemingly confirming that all men want is sex I pulled away and he lost his mind in a rage; I threw the 'just because I have had a few drinks you think it is ok after the week we have had! Is that your tactic get me drink so you can have your way?' Worst thing I could have ever said but that is what I felt. He has never tried that again though and we have been very open about my experiences and feelings and I do trust him with my sexual needs. He is a great lover but I just can't let go of my reins, what will happen if I surrender myself? Will he be more mindful; this is possible because it is the very thing that fuels him. I know I need to talk to a professional but I feel ashamed, confused and doubtful of a successful outcome after all these years. I have been to so many psychologists over the years and all they have bought to the plate is understanding and my motivation but never really how to reverse my thinking and actions.