Need Advice, Lied About Another Woman

[Buzzbuzzington]

Hello I'm new here and need advice. I'm married to a man with BPD, been married 2 years, together 4 and I'm pregnant with our first child. Our relationship hasn't always been easy, it's been mired with verbal abuse and him acting out physically (with objects breaking/throwing things, threatening himself etc). He can be really cold and callous, lazy and many other things. But I never doubted his love for me or mine for him, until now.

We've recently been hanging around his coworkers, which I honestly never cared for but he likes them so I play along. These are really immature and unprofessional people IMO they all get wasted together even the bosses do with lower level employees. They play pranks on eachother at work all day, alot of them aren't responsible in their personal lives but hey to each their own I guess, I still try to be nice and enjoy whatever time we have with them.

Well I noticed that the HR gal and H were pretty friendly with eachother at each outing. I wasn't threatened by this, just a little uncomfortable but shrugged it off. She'd tell me how funny H is, how he goes to her office and shows her funny youtube videos, etc. I was still ok with that he does that to everyone so it didn't raise any flags. She ended up leaving the company a few weeks ago, but still hangs around H's coworkers. On his bday she showed up with all the rest of the coworkers at a restaurant and I noticed some strange things that I really didn't appreciate with this girl. First, she moved to his side of the table, then they had this long lengthy conversation. He basically talked to her the whole time she was there, told her that he was getting a promotion  (which he hasn't told anyone at his work because it isn't finalized it's supposed to be confidential) and I asked him why he told her, she doesn't even work there anymore. It just seemed like he was ok sharing his personal secrets with her... .Then she ordered food and he started stealing her fries and dipping them in her ketchup and eating them which grossed me out. It made me really uncomfortable and she was fine with it, not even phased.

I started thinking maybe they share lunch all the time, although H says he was just drunk and hungry at that time... .Later she casually mentioned to me that she texted H happy birthday. This is where it all clicked. I asked H later the next day how she had gotten his number, he said he didn't know he didn't give it to her maybe another coworker did. I didn't press the issue any further, it was his bday but he knows I don't appreciate women texting him one on one (especially pretty single women I'm not really friends with).  

So although I wasn't too thrilled about that night,  I let it slide since it was his bday and he was drinking and so was everyone else minus me. There was also a weird incident that night from another girl who walked up to him and ran her fingers all over his head, and kept talking to him in baby talk... .I was like what the heck... .but he did tell her to stop. It really just made me think what the hell goes on at your work and I asked him about that one too, he said she doesn't act like that at work.

So after a week or so it dawned on me about the HR lady, she texted me her number one night we were out and her first and last name. It just hit me that I saw her last name before.  I remember looking up the number on an old cell phone bill for H and her phone was listed under a guys name but it was her same last name... .I had asked him about does he know a person by that name,  and he denied it. I remember there being several texts back and forth enough for me to look it up. Now I knew why he lied, because it was the HR lady. Even worse, he had been deleting all their texts. And I had no idea this whole time. I asked how long this went on, he said about 2 months. I can only see back 90 days on text records online, but I can see all call logs and I saw he called her a few times over the past 2 years, so he has had her number for a long time and I never even knew who she was until 7 months ago when I met her at his work function. So he probably lied about the length of time this went on. He said all he texted her was music videos on YouTube so the time because she likes the same music as him. I was so mad... .I said well she can work youtube I'm sure, they have playlists and the search bar all you had to do was tell her to check this band out for herself, why so many texts? It hurt that he lied, it hurt that I had no idea, I feel like it was more than just youtube videos and there's more to this story.

He told me to call her and ask her if I didn't believe him, which I haven't I just don't know how to confront this issue... .He said they never had a romantic or physical affair no feelings or anything it was just videos... .It hurts because he doesn't even send me stuff or think about things I like and send them to me. Seems like he put alot of thought into her... .She's prettier than me I won't lie. It just makes me feel even worse... .It kills me not knowing what was said. The only good part of this story is the last 90 days has no calls or texts between them in the phone bill logs. He did say he stopped texting her a while ago before I figures all of this out. He said he stopped because he felt bad and knew I wouldn't like it.

I haven't told anyone this that I know except my dad who said to just forgive H because he loves me and we have a baby coming.

H cried and told me he is sorry, he doesn't want to lose our family. H offered to change his number and stop talking to her. He said he wants to fix this... .he even put this app on his phone so I can see his texts and calls, he gave me full access to his phone bill too.

 I would like to try to do that for our child, but I also want to know what happened between them. It bothers me alot. Do I call her? Do I say anything and what would you say? I'm so upset, this really changed my feelings for H. I never thought he'd lie to me about another woman, he always projected the image of honesty and faithfulness... .I just don't know how to get over these feelings. Even if nothing happened physically I still feel cheated... Any advice would be appreciated.

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[heartandwhole]

Hi Buzzbuzzington,



Welcome to the community. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can understand feeling bothered by these events. They would bother me, too. I'm glad you joined the forum, because you'll find members who have dealt with similar situations and understand how it feels. 

I would like to try to do that for our child, but I also want to know what happened between them. It bothers me alot. Do I call her? Do I say anything and what would you say? I'm so upset, this really changed my feelings for H. I never thought he'd lie to me about another woman, he always projected the image of honesty and faithfulness... .I just don't know how to get over these feelings. Even if nothing happened physically I still feel cheated... Any advice would be appreciated.

I wouldn't recommend calling the HR coworker. I totally get why you'd want to know what might have happened between them, but I don't think inviting her into your relationship with your husband, so to speak, will make things better. And there is no guarantee that she will be forthcoming or honest with you about it, unfortunately.

It seems that your husband understands your feeling upset about this, and wants to make things better. He has changed his behavior, and apologized. That sounds to me like a gesture toward recovering your trust. I know it's hard to move forward after something like this, especially if there are niggling doubts. You have a right to your feelings and it may take a little time to feel better about this.

Have you communicated your discomfort and doubts to your husband, and if so, how has he reacted?

Keep writing. It helps to share. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Meili]

Feeling lied by your SO to is never easy for anyone in a relationship. It can be an incredibly difficult thing to get passed. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort on both sides.

That being said, what would confronting her accomplish? Would you believe her and feel less lied to if she conforms what he told you?

None of us can undo what has happened in the past, it's how we handle things in the future that matters. What do you need to move forward with your husband in the future?

[Herodias]

It is called Triangulation. If you feel it in your gut, it is probably happening. I think he is flirting with these people and they are reciprocating. He is making it clear to you that he is in need of attention. My ex always told me he wanted nothing to do with the women and that they were coming on to him.  Even his current GF met me in person all the while the two of them were flirting at work. These women are hearing what he tells them.  You have to set up boundaries and if he crosses them, you must be prepared to follow through on whatever you decide you can deal with. I feel for you being pregnant, that must be very difficult to have all of this going on at the same time. I think he is just needing your adoring attention. Sometimes I think men get afraid they will lose your affection when the baby comes. Also, if for any reason he is feeling neglected (not necessarily really happening- just his perception), he would act out this way too. You are in a difficult spot. I have been there with the other women... .it isn't easy. Be careful how you handle it. If he sees that it works in making you give him more attention, he will use it again. At the same time, you need to make sure he is getting attention. I was someone that confronted the women. Most of the time it ended their affairs. Women are really something though. Single women will lure men away from their partners on purpose. Married women will have affairs if they are not getting attention at home. People with BPD know how to give attention like no other-remember how it was in the beginning for you. If you say something to these women they will say they will leave you Husband alone, but it's not always the case.  Think hard about the best case for your situation. Try and not act on emotion, it will just blow up in your face. Think through the best outcome of what you decide to do. Being a detective is never fun and you will end up being called controlling. My ex said if I had just stopped looking for evidence, our relationship would not have broken up. It is all in what you want in your life. Good luck.