Caregiver for Mother with BPD Traits

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

I am an adult woman who is live-in caregiver for my elderly parents and I also have an adult sister who had a brain aneurysm that I must assist with some things as well. Caregiving is difficult on its own but I have the added difficulty that I am sure all of the people I care for have some undiagnosed personality disorders. I am certain my mother has BPD and both my father and sister have NPD. I do have the support of my adult brother and my christian congregation but because my situation is so complicated none of them can completely understand.

Let me explain how I came to the conclusion I am dealing with people with these disorders and more specifically my mother having BPD. My parents both came from dysfunctional families and they did their best to raise my two siblings and I in a healthy and loving home but the problem is that they felt constant criticism, verbal abuse and humiliation as "motivation" to behave were normal. As I grew older I noticed the difference between how my family spoke to each other was not the way other families did. My siblings were a lot older than me and left the house while I was still a preteen so it was almost like I was an only child for most of my life. As a teenager when I began to seek to be more independence my mother became more and more clingy. She was jealous of all my friends and would try to convince me and my dad they were bad influences on me. Thankfully my dad saw that they weren't. Also, when I would see my siblings they understood a lot of what I was experiencing. My brother came to my defense on a number of occasions when my mother would have one of her "monster" blow-ups. We all knew our parents had problems.

When I graduated high school and got work my father's demands to stay at home and give him all of my money only in a job that he approved because "I was his child and it was my duty" added pressure to my family dynamics. I had to pay for my own courses since he refused to because he felt art or working with animals "weren't real jobs" kept me at home. I also came to realize my parents were badly in debt and had to hide how much money I made (I worked one job for the health insurance and also ran a pet sitting/dog training business) I had a nervous breakdown. I finally severed all financial ties with them but they were advancing in years and my family decided since I was the only unmarried one I was in the best position to care for them. My brother convinced them to sell their house and get rid of their debt. It took them running through all of the house sale money to let me take over their finances but finally we were in control of them. We had them in a position where we could care for them. They both refused to be mentally evaluated but I wanted to better be able to care for them so I started doing research on mental illnesses and personality disorders.

After comparing their behaviors with symptoms and reading many books I determined my mother had BPD based on the fact her alcoholic mother abandoned her at the age of 12 years old to be raised by her grandparents with her uncle as guardian and she acted like I was evil or was going to leave her if "I spent too much time at work" or went out with friends. I set limits for her (ie I only would call once a day etc) and things worked pretty well for awhile.

I should mention my father as well. Again, based on reading, I figured out my father had NPD based on the fact is he felt like everyone owed him everything all of the time and he would constantly try to manipulate me to try and get his way. He's never wrong ever and verbally abusive to me unappreciative for everything my brother and I do for he and my mom. Once he saw he wasn't starving and able to get some things he wants by living on budget he calmed down enough to be manageable.

Things really blew up about a year ago when my brain injured sister's parents-in-law refused to support her any longer and her husband divorced her. This left my brother and I to also care for her. My mother felt threatened that I had to spend time taking my sister to her appointments because of her BPD and my father was angry that he had to share "his caregiver" with someone else so they both started acting out again. Things with my sister began deteriorating too since she managed to manipulate her son to let her into her payee account and so she lost the condo we got them into. Now my brother and I are trying to get conservatorship of her while she actively lies to my parents and tries to manipulate everyone. She seems to have inherited my dad's NPD using our less than perfect upbringing as proof "we owe her by letting her do everything she wants" since she was the "only one who was horribly abused". She is also addicted to opioids since she has an old back injury.

Managing all of it is stressful and my brother doesn't believe in "personality disorders" though he realizes my mom and dad aren't normal in behavior. He also knows my sister is brain damaged but thinks she's more in control than she is. He doesn't understand how hard it is living with them as they age and their traits get worse with age.

I hoped I could find people to talk with who understand how hard it is to help others that constantly act out due to personality disorders.




 

[Caregiver75]

Hello,

I am an adult woman who is live-in caregiver for my elderly parents and I also have an adult sister who had a brain aneurysm that I must assist with some things as well. Caregiving is difficult on its own but I have the added difficulty that I am sure all of the people I care for have some undiagnosed personality disorders. I am certain my mother has BPD and both my father and sister have NPD. I do have the support of my adult brother and my christian congregation but because my situation is so complicated none of them can completely understand.

Let me explain how I came to the conclusion I am dealing with people with these disorders and more specifically my mother having BPD. My parents both came from dysfunctional families and they did their best to raise my two siblings and I in a healthy and loving home but the problem is that they felt constant criticism, verbal abuse and humiliation as "motivation" to behave were normal. As I grew older I noticed the difference between how my family spoke to each other was not the way other families did. My siblings were a lot older than me and left the house while I was still a preteen so it was almost like I was an only child for most of my life. As a teenager when I began to seek to be more independence my mother became more and more clingy. She was jealous of all my friends and would try to convince me and my dad they were bad influences on me. Thankfully my dad saw that they weren't. Also, when I would see my siblings they understood a lot of what I was experiencing. My brother came to my defense on a number of occasions when my mother would have one of her "monster" blow-ups. We all knew our parents had problems.

When I graduated high school and got work my father's demands to stay at home and give him all of my money only in a job that he approved because "I was his child and it was my duty" added pressure to my family dynamics. I had to pay for my own courses since he refused to because he felt art or working with animals "weren't real jobs" kept me at home. I also came to realize my parents were badly in debt and had to hide how much money I made (I worked one job for the health insurance and also ran a pet sitting/dog training business) I had a nervous breakdown. I finally severed all financial ties with them but they were advancing in years and my family decided since I was the only unmarried one I was in the best position to care for them. My brother convinced them to sell their house and get rid of their debt. It took them running through all of the house sale money to let me take over their finances but finally we were in control of them. We had them in a position where we could care for them. They both refused to be mentally evaluated but I wanted to better be able to care for them so I started doing research on mental illnesses and personality disorders.

After comparing their behaviors with symptoms and reading many books I determined my mother had BPD based on the fact her alcoholic mother abandoned her at the age of 12 years old to be raised by her grandparents with her uncle as guardian and she acted like I was evil or was going to leave her if "I spent too much time at work" or went out with friends. I set limits for her (ie I only would call once a day etc) and things worked pretty well for awhile.

I should mention my father as well. Again, based on reading, I figured out my father had NPD based on the fact is he felt like everyone owed him everything all of the time and he would constantly try to manipulate me to try and get his way. He's never wrong ever and verbally abusive to me unappreciative for everything my brother and I do for he and my mom. Once he saw he wasn't starving and able to get some things he wants by living on budget he calmed down enough to be manageable.

Things really blew up about a year ago when my brain injured sister's parents-in-law refused to support her any longer and her husband divorced her. This left my brother and I to also care for her. My mother felt threatened that I had to spend time taking my sister to her appointments because of her BPD and my father was angry that he had to share "his caregiver" with someone else so they both started acting out again. Things with my sister began deteriorating too since she managed to manipulate her son to let her into her payee account and so she lost the condo we got them into. Now my brother and I are trying to get conservatorship of her while she actively lies to my parents and tries to manipulate everyone. She seems to have inherited my dad's NPD using our less than perfect upbringing as proof "we owe her by letting her do everything she wants" since she was the "only one who was horribly abused". She is also addicted to opioids since she has an old back injury.

Managing all of it is stressful and my brother doesn't believe in "personality disorders" though he realizes my mom and dad aren't normal in behavior. He also knows my sister is brain damaged but thinks she's more in control than she is. He doesn't understand how hard it is living with them as they age and their traits get worse with age.

I hoped I could find people to talk with who understand how hard it is to help others that constantly act out due to personality disorders.




 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Caregiver75:   
Welcoming to the Community!

I'm very sorry for you situation.  It's a lot for one person to manage and I can see that you have a lot on your plate. 

My family decided since I was the only unmarried one I was in the best position to care for them.   

Is this what you want?  It kind of seals the deal that you likely won't ever get married.  Do you hold a job, in addition to the caretaking?   How old are your parents?  Other than personality disorders, are there major health issues that require someone to be with them 24/7?

Managing all of it is stressful and my brother doesn't believe in "personality disorders" though he realizes my mom and dad aren't normal in behavior.

Probably best to work around labels and focus on behavior problems.  What are some of your most current beavioral challenges with various family members?

[Caregiver75]

Hi Naughty Nibbler.

Is this what you want?  It kind of seals the deal that you likely won't ever get married.

Yes when I said my family decided I mean we all sat down and talked it over.  As for getting married I'm happy single. As far as I'm concerned I won't give the time of day to a man that thought I should abandon my family members even if they do have disorders.

Do you hold a job, in addition to the caretaking?

I did work up until 2 years ago as a Realtor. I needed to quit it when my parents started to be unable to drive and needed help around the house because it took me too many hours (some days 8am to 12am). Then the stuff with my sister needed attention and I started taking her to doctors plus shopping on top of my mom and dad's stuff (until she lost her condo and started acting out when we tried to help her). I do plan, once I have a surgery I'm scheduled for, to start an online business and get into income property once I pay off a few things and save a little. At the moment with my health and my brother and I having to take time to get through the legal process of getting conservatorship for my sister I'm taking a break form outside work.

How old are your parents?  Other than personality disorders, are there major health issues that require someone to be with them 24/7?

My Dad is 94 and my mom is 82. My Dad got a special pension from the VA for a live-in caregiver so legally I must spend a majority of my time there. My parents both are independent enough for me to leave them for 5-6 hours at a time but are unable to cook for themselves, clean or wash clothes themselves anymore. My father also has a bad habit of going outside, climbing ladders, plus working in the desert sun and I have to get him back in or he ends up in bed unable to move for days from pushing himself beyond his body so he needs supervision. My mom is badly arthritic so she needs help dressing herself and other things. She also won't take medicine unless someone is on top of her and she needs to with high blood pressure and COPD. They need a lot of help so even if I got an apartment as a get away I'd need to be there every day or hire someone else.

Probably best to work around labels and focus on behavior problems.

That's a good idea. I usually explain things and once he talks with them and sees I'm right he does back me up. If he gets stern with them they will back down even if they don't like it.

What are some of your most current beavioral challenges with various family members?

The most challenging thing right now is the situation with my sister and how my parents are reacting to it.  My brother and I have needed to take more time than usual on research and now preparing documents. We need to go to legal aide and SSI next week for instance.

As you can probably guess my mom's BPD is causing her to stress out and accuse us of abandoning her for my sister. She constantly has to be reassured that even if we will also have to take care of my sister we won't stop taking care of her. She's having nightmares about me leaving.

My dad constantly tries to order us to stop helping my sister because "the way she's acting she doesn't deserve help" and "you are my caregiver and don't want you taking care of her too. Since she's been around you're slacking off around here and not doing your work properly. You work for me."

My sister herself is not letting us know where she is because we drew the line with her and told her unless she gave us Power of Attourney we couldn't help her anymore. I took myself off of being her payee after she stormed out of our house (where she was staying at the time) accused me of stealing her money instead of paying the bills with it (even with me handing her bank statements), going against her word on letting us have access to the condo sale money to pay off her debt and get her into a new place because "you never loved me and have done nothing for me all of my life. I have no family." SSI sent a letter and the social worker is the one that told us about conservatorship.

My sister is refusing to go to SSI and is living in a hotel somewhere off of the money she got from her condo sale and has already spend 12,000 in 2 months. She's angry we are talking to SSI and her children and I just got another rambling text claiming she's lost her SSI and Medicare and its my fault because I stopped being her Payee. She insists she's dying because I "screwed her over" so she has no income and can't go to the doctor even though we repeatedly tell her that's not true she just needs to tell them to get a new payee, have a permeant address and she will get her back money. She refuses to look for an apartment because she insists she has no income. She's been going to doctors since she's using our address and I'm getting her bills but she lies and says Medicare lapsed even when I paid the premium for her so that wouldn't happen.

So that's what currently is happening in my lovely messed up family.

[LittleBlueTruck]

Good grief. That's too much. Just, too much. No words of wisdom. Just feel awful for you.