Discarding – my observations

[joeramabeme]

In January I was in bed with the flu and having marital flashbacks remembering how comforting having a partner was in times of need.  The experience produced such a strong emotional kickback, that I ended up spending a lot of time thinking through why I was discarded.  I have some personal theories and observations that came from this time that I have written down here. 

I hope this is written clearly enough that someone else may find a level of comfort, understanding and closure in reading these observations as I did in writing them.  Although this post is written like an article I just want to point out that it is strictly a personal opinion piece that I gathered from my thoughts, reading and experiences to try and put together a framework of personal understanding.
To help understand why I was discarded, I began to think that Idealizing, Mirroring, Projecting and Devaluing are all interrelated parts of the same cycle of behavior; an attempt to avoid feelings of internal emptiness. 

DEFINITIONS: (selected from dictionary.com)

Ideal (Noun): a conception of something in its perfection.

Idealize (Verb): to make ideal; represent in an ideal form or character; exalt to an ideal perfection or excellence.

Mirror (Verb): to mimic or imitate (something) accurately.

Project (Verb): to cause (the voice) to appear to come from a source other than oneself, as in ventriloquism; throw.

Devalue (Verb): to deprive of value; reduce the value of.

An Ideal is defined as; “a conception of something in its perfection” and can be either an internally or externally focused.  Idealizing is the act of representing or projecting an ideal.   BPD idealizing is the projecting of an ideal outcome onto an external object; a person, place, idea or value.  Its purpose is to eliminate or avoid unwanted and uncomfortable feelings of emptiness.  It is an unconscious psychic response that attempts to displace negative feelings by Idealizing a trait that is believed to be, or desired to be, inherent in an external object.  Whether or not the idealized trait actually exists in the object is subordinate to the belief that it actually does.   

The act of Mirroring seeks to assimilate the desired idealization.  While Imitation is a form of flattery, and most of us have done it at some point in our lives; Mirroring is different in that its origin is the elimination of an unwanted feeling.  Like flattery, Idealizing and Mirroring can apply to an idea, person, place or thing such as; love, a tv show character, a beautifully decorated home, marriage, parenting etc.  By its nature, BPD Idealization is detached from the reality it attempts to project onto an object.  Not because the idealized trait(s) do not exist, they may or may not, rather, it is detached because the purpose of the mirroring is to eliminate, not create.  A BPDs idealized objectification is the ultimate form of detachment because its purpose is to disavow internal feelings. 

This idea can be summed up with this quip:
Flattery is imitation, assimilation and creation
Mirroring is imitation, assimilation and elimination (of negative feelings)

While some of these idealized objectifications involve people, they are not necessarily people-centered even though the idealized concept may involve others.  Take for example the axiom that ‘marriage is bliss’.  The idealized object is marriage; a spouse is simply a requirement to achieve the Idealized outcome.

If the intent of idealizing is to avoid feelings by mirroring an object, then Devaluing is the recognition that the Idealized object cannot achieve the desired outcome of eliminating those unwanted feelings.  The result of idealizing and mirroring any external object, to avoid unwanted feelings, will always be to project back, upon the same object, the unwanted feelings that caused the desire to mirror to begin with.

The “push” and “pull” cycle of BPD love can be explained in these same concepts.  Mirroring is the act of “pulling” in what is outside and the act of projecting is “pushing” away the inside unwanted feelings.  Seemingly, the non is both the answer and the problem.  So we experience alternating messages of love and rejection that are inseparable from one another.

Discarding, or complete devaluation, is the final stage in this cycle; an admission, whether it be slowly or quickly, that the mirrored external object cannot address the internal discomfort of the pwBPD.  What results is the pwBPd projecting their negative feelings onto that mirror.  In this process, the mirrored object literally becomes an external reflection of the BPs internal psychic feelings.  There may even be an attempt to correct this external reflection by “fixing” the object being mirrored so that it will serve its intended purpose.  Devaluing is ultimately not about the mirrored object, but a reflection of a pwBPD’s own internal feelings. 

Both Idealizing and Devaluing are two different sides of the same coin-of-cope.  Idealizing seeks to eliminate feelings by Mirroring an object and Projecting ultimately assigns the blame for the originating feelings onto that same object. This process results in the pwBPD assigning external causations to internal feelings.

Take For example an idealizing individual who desires to avoid feelings of internal emptiness.  They meet a wealthy individual who is secure and happy.  The wealthy person owns an expensive car, mansion and comfortable belongings; they live a seemingly idealized care-free life.   In an unconscious attempt to mirror a solution to their unwanted internal feelings; the mirroring individual idealizes that possessing luxury items (objects) will likewise make them a secure and care-free person.  So they purchase the same car and house and assume a large amount of debt only to eventually realize that possessing these objects did not eliminate their internal sense of emptiness (and perhaps made it worse).  Frustrated, they sell the car and house, declare bankruptcy and blame the car, house and wealthy individual for their losses and bad feelings.  Still straddled with the unbearable feeling of lack; they see a big lottery winner on TV and start playing scratch tickets and the cycle repeats.

While the BPD’s external behaviors when Mirroring and Projecting may be conscious and willful; the underlying purpose these actions intend to serve is unconscious.  Referring back to the example of the wealthy person; the acquisition of cars and homes are willfully and consciously completed.  While the experience of possessing these things may be exhilarating and enjoyable, this is only a secondary outcome to the unconscious and intended purpose.  The mirroring individual was not particularly interested in obtaining luxury goods; rather, they were interested in eliminating feelings of emptiness.  The same example could be extended to marrying the same wealthy individual, who would have falsely assumed that their spouse loved luxury goods as much as they did.  I wonder if the person who said; “you can never have enough of what you don’t want”, knew a pwBPD?

It is important to notice that the Idealize phase occurs BEFORE the mirroring.  The implication of that to a non is that before we are involved with a person that is mirroring with us; they have already created an idealized objectified image in their mind.  We do not see the “what” of the idealization, only the mirroring process which involves us and appears to be sincere and genuine.  Nor does this imply that we are not personally idealized, rather, that we cannot see what about us is being idealized and so, being humanly self-centered, we assume ourselves to be the object of the desire. 

Once Devalued; the mirrored object is known to be incapable of soothing the internal psyche and the idealized object is vanquished as it has ultimately become a reflection of what the pwBPD sought to avoid by mirroring it to begin with.  As a result, any other objects attached to the idealized object are simply unrecognized as being of individual value and once the object is Discarded, the proverbial slate is wiped clean.

While the love a BPD feels is real, it is simply a smaller part of a larger and obscured agenda to both BP and non-alike.  It is primarily being in relationship for the sake of eliminating feelings, not necessarily cultivating new ones.   While the non may also have unhealed emotional wounds that help covet unrealistic ideals, they are still able to see the bigger picture of the relationship at-hand; the pwBPD is not.  In the end, this fact leaves the non being the proverbial emotional bag-holder wondering how they could have been discarded with so little consideration for the bond that was believed to be so vital to both of you.

[roberto516]

While the love a BPD feels is real, it is simply a smaller part of a larger and obscured agenda to both BP and non-alike.  It is primarily being in relationship for the sake of eliminating feelings, not necessarily cultivating new ones.   While the non may also have unhealed emotional wounds that help covet unrealistic ideals, they are still able to see the bigger picture of the relationship at-hand; the pwBPD is not.  In the end, this fact leaves the non being the proverbial emotional bag-holder wondering how they could have been discarded with so little consideration for the bond that was believed to be so vital to both of you.

The whole post speaks to me. But this specifically. I went into disagreements and concerns with the hope that we could talk about them to better grow, and learn from each other. But that line about her being with me to eliminate feelings and not cultivate new ones is dead on. It's why she wouldn't talk during a disagreement. I used to tell her she had a "disney view" of a relationship and that she didn't think relationships took work or could produce uncomfortable feelings.

And yes, I, as a non, did see the bigger picture. It's why I saw the disagreements as areas of growth, and my concerns as things to discuss. However, what I didn't see, was that each time I would be dismissed and I'd have to apologize for the behaviors and words. This slowly led me into the emotional abuse territory where she held all the cards. I still remember thinking almost near the end "She has all the say in this relationship. I am the one who is begging to be with her, and she doesn't care one bit." Total emotional abuse.

But thank you. It explains a lot about why anything other than me being happy, funny, and care-free were not accepted by her, or she thought it was always about her. She didn't sign up for those emotions or experiences. She signed up for me to be funny, and happy all the time because it's the emotions she wanted. Very eerie and informative. Thanks again.

[vanx]

Wow, really interesting thought process, and one that is very healing to me. It was always beyond the question "did she love me?" Seeing the idealization as another mechanism for projection reminds me of what I came to realize without framing it in as provocative or insightful a way, that quite simply no she did not love me, because she never held acceptance and affection for my full, flawed, vulnerable, human self. And yes, she HATED growth, intimacy, resolution. Well, words fail me now--not feeling articulate, but I am feeling pretty raw having run into her today by surprise, and this post speaks to me.

[kim2017]

Vanx,

I know how you feel and how painful it is to be discarded with absolutely NC. And the subsequent raw pain it feels to run into your ex - hoping for answers, closure, something to remind you that the relationship you shared was real.

I ran into mine after a sudden, unexpected break up. I was accused of cheating and not loving him - out of the blue - with no basis and no opportunity to defend myself. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. I read these posts and they give me some sort of temporary healing and then I just remember the good times and go back to asking myself "why."

Did she speak to you when you saw her? Mine RAGED with anger. He was almost unrecognizable to me. But despite that for the past 30 days since I saw him it's a almost like the wounds reopened.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I would have done anything to work it out with him but he discarded me like I never existed. It's a very awful feeling and not the way 2 humans should treat each other.

[bus boy]

JRB, love what you wrote. Over the past 10 years I struggled with so much emotional pain and turmoil, the last 2 of those years were pain like I never felt. The past several months I have came such a long way in recovery, I really do feel like a very different person but the struggle creeps in now and again. Reading your post, like many posts I read or replies to my own post have helped me so much. Every bit of clarification I can get helps me grow and your post gave me another growing moment. I can see what Xw was doing, her projecting her negative feelings on me, her ideas she tried to project on me, her pain, she tried with all her might to drive a wedge in between my family and I bc that's what went on in her family and she tries to dump that pain or tried on to me. If it's brought up to Xw or her father what is going on in there family that will deny anything is going on, don't no what your talking about. when Xw found a new source to dump pain and negative feeling on, I was discard, she was sleeping with both of us at the same time, she was securing a source so now the discard makes so much sense, she transferred her pain on to my replacement so therefore he now carries the same negative feelings for me that she does, this makes him ideal. I guess this is one of those moments of clarity.

[Zemmma]

Yes! This explains it so well.

I was so wounded when he came into my life (husband of 30 years had just unexpectedly walked out). He came in like a whirlwind to save me. He literally sent me a recording of "Fix You" by Coldplay. And I was in no position to fully recognize the red flags/ strange behaviour. I did notice however... .

In the idealization phase he said some strange things. He had watched me from afar and had already fantasized about things I would do and say. He said he had looked at some of my photos on Facebook and imaged me speaking to him. When getting to know the real me he let it slip that he was having a hard time negotiating the real me with the imagined one. He had a fully developed fantasy including things I might say or do! When he saw my bedroom for the first time he told me it was not what he had imagined. I did think that was strange at the time.

I could never live up to the fantasy (even though I am fairly awesome . It was as though he had already created me in his imagination before we really got to know each other. Then slowly he became disappointed because I did not match the image he created. Before I knew a thing about BPD I actually said this to him. "You used to hold me up so high, now you just hold me up to the light so see the flaws."

The first time I saw the other side of him it shocked me. Coming to meet him, I was a little later than expected. He started raging about how inconsiderate and selfish I was. I was baffled. I had a very strong sense he wasn't even talking to me.

Then came years of him admitting that he had an "evil" persona for me on text. He often referred to me as evil. I couldn't understand this! I had to beg him to never call me evil, or refer to even his perception of me as evil again. He still does it sometimes. He didn't realize that was insulting. I told him no one has ever suggested anything at all like this. I have two children, am a professional in health care, I have many friends... No one has EVER said I am evil. I never knew where this notion was coming from.

Now that he has discarded me, I wonder if he will ever realize how much he projected onto me. He seems to understand that at times, and realizes that he has blamed me so much for his own problems. He is jealous of me, and what I have. He hates that I own a house and he doesn't. It bothers him that I make a lot of money. He is even jealous of my children because they have more than he had growing up.

He has expressed some insight about this, but now he says there is too much damage to move forward. With the way he focuses on past pain, I think it is probably true. He can never let things go.

Plus, I saw A LOT. He was a mess and so was I. I think he wants to discard that version of himself along with me. He has shame about it. He wants to reinvent himself and I am not a part of this new version of him.

[roberto516]

Plus, I saw A LOT. He was a mess and so was I. I think he wants to discard that version of himself along with me. He has shame about it. He wants to reinvent himself and I am not a part of this new version of him.

This is it for me. Exactly what my ex is doing (so she says). Thanks for this insight I had but didn't really comprehend.

[vanx]

kim2017,

I appreciate your empathy and likewise I am really sorry for what you're going through. The rage targeted at you is very undeserved. I hope joe's points about devaluing and projection can help ease some of the pain--it had nothing to do with you.
My ex actually goes out of her way to be friendly with me when we see each other, and it is I who ignores her. I feel bad that you and others have to encounter additional abuse in interactions. I don't know if it helps, but he friendliness to me doesn't take the place of her taking responsibility for her behavior and letting me know she actually cares. Anyhow, thank you and please be good to yourself

Vanx,

I know how you feel and how painful it is to be discarded with absolutely NC. And the subsequent raw pain it feels to run into your ex - hoping for answers, closure, something to remind you that the relationship you shared was real.

I ran into mine after a sudden, unexpected break up. I was accused of cheating and not loving him - out of the blue - with no basis and no opportunity to defend myself. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. I read these posts and they give me some sort of temporary healing and then I just remember the good times and go back to asking myself "why."

Did she speak to you when you saw her? Mine RAGED with anger. He was almost unrecognizable to me. But despite that for the past 30 days since I saw him it's a almost like the wounds reopened.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I would have done anything to work it out with him but he discarded me like I never existed. It's a very awful feeling and not the way 2 humans should treat each other.

[patientandclear]

In the idealization phase he said some strange things. He had watched me from afar and had already fantasized about things I would do and say. He said he had looked at some of my photos on Facebook and imaged me speaking to him. When getting to know the real me he let it slip that he was having a hard time negotiating the real me with the imagined one. He had a fully developed fantasy including things I might say or do! When he saw my bedroom for the first time he told me it was not what he had imagined. I did think that was strange at the time.

I could never live up to the fantasy (even though I am fairly awesome . It was as though he had already created me in his imagination before we really got to know each other. Then slowly he became disappointed because I did not match the image he created.

I had the same experience.  My ex wBPD eventually allowed me to understand that he had envisioned a whole future with me and my child and it hinged on me being different than I actually was.  This cut both ways.  In some respects he expected us to be a better fit or match for him than we were (mostly he expected there never to be a gap between what we did and what was most comfortable for or familiar/recognizable to him).  Later, he also said that he had developed negative views of me at some point to explain his decision to split from me, and then he would encounter aspects of me or my life that were quite different (and more attractive to him) than he had imagined.  Whatever he imagined and attached to me became real, and it was often radically different from who I really am.

Then came years of him admitting that he had an "evil" persona for me on text. He often referred to me as evil. I couldn't understand this! I had to beg him to never call me evil, or refer to even his perception of me as evil again. He still does it sometimes. He didn't realize that was insulting. I told him no one has ever suggested anything at all like this. I have two children, am a professional in health care, I have many friends... No one has EVER said I am evil. I never knew where this notion was coming from. 

Occasionally my ex, during a post-relationship "friendship" period, when we were more able to speak about and work through his negative feelings (possibly because he felt he had less at stake), would ascribe some deeply evil motives to me, things that neither comport with how I show up in the world nor with his general view of me.  This is a just an interesting and important (and hard) fact of what can occur with BPD.  He would accuse me of having a hidden agenda to change him.  I am and was so very devoid of that -- I may have other flaws in our relationship but that one, I was innocent of.  Still, he saw it in me.  He sees it in people, and I am a person.  Tough stuff.

  Plus, I saw A LOT. He was a mess and so was I. I think he wants to discard that version of himself along with me. He has shame about it. He wants to reinvent himself and I am not a part of this new version of him.

Again, this is also my experience.  At our last break, my ex expressed that being with me made him feel like he was going to be a bad person to someone he really cares about and it was all going to be terrible.  He said he needed to get away from that feeling of being a bad person.  He prefers a clean start.  I know that isn't ultimately going to work ... .but I can certainly relate to the impulse.  He wants things to be clean and good, and he doesn't want to be unable to escape from a corrupted flawed view of himself.  I get it.  It's just a self-defeating plan.

Zemmma, I obviously relate to a lot of what you've posted.  Joeramabeme, I am blown away by your opening post.  In all the reading I've done on BPD, I don't know that I've ever seen anything that allowed me to so completely make sense of all the pieces, including the equal enthusiasm and lack of immediate grieving during the process of dismantling and destruction.  Thanks so much for writing this.  It will stay with me.