BPD's Memory?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi, was just thinking about my ex as today officially marks a month of NC and while it hurts that she didnt think I was recycle worthy to reach out, I can also say that I see improvements in my life. Little by little Im remembering who I was before.

Speaking of memory. I was thinking about my ex and how horribly bad her memory was. Is that a normal trait or did I really have a special one. She would sometimes repeat the same story multiple times and not remember telling me. Something I hated was that she confused me for the guy I replaced when she would bring up a movie, as she basically cheated on him with me. Yet she would remember things that would surprise me, very minute details. Her mind, not including all of the mental issues, just memories, was a weird thing. Is this common or mine was special. 

[vaztek2003]

Hi, was just thinking about my ex as today officially marks a month of NC and while it hurts that she didnt think I was recycle worthy to reach out, I can also say that I see improvements in my life. Little by little Im remembering who I was before.

Speaking of memory. I was thinking about my ex and how horribly bad her memory was. Is that a normal trait or did I really have a special one. She would sometimes repeat the same story multiple times and not remember telling me. Something I hated was that she confused me for the guy I replaced when she would bring up a movie, as she basically cheated on him with me. Yet she would remember things that would surprise me, very minute details. Her mind, not including all of the mental issues, just memories, was a weird thing. Is this common or mine was special. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi vaztek,

In much the same way my exBPDbf would have razor sharp memory on certain things and on others seemed to lose the facts or events altogether.  I think when he was dysregulated he sometimes wasn't aware of what he'd done or said.  Other recollections seemed sketchy to say the least.  Funny thing is he often contradicted himself when speaking about his own memory, sometimes saying it was fantastic and others that it was rubbish... .Strange.  Seemed to know that it was good in places.

Love and light x

[RedPill]

Ditto on the poor memory. When dysregulated, ustbxBPDw's comprehension, critical thinking, and recollection of the sequence of events went out the window. Feelings over facts won every time, and her absolute commitment to her imagined facts was unassailable. This contributed to my sense of feeling off-balance and questioning my own reality around her. Her heavy pot use didn't help either.
--
RP

[Harley Quinn]

RP that's interesting.  Hadn't occurred to me that the pot might have been responsible... .

Love and light x

[roberto516]

She had a great memory when it came time to gift giving for Christmas. She actually made me feel real bad because I would say stuff that I had no idea she was even hearing, and would get it for Christmas. Books and the such. I was stunned. Lest I forget that I told her I wasn't big into receiving gifts and would prefer not to get any, but that wasn't a boundary she cared about. The gift I asked her for every Christmas? Continual love . Her memory in other areas was not so good. I remember when we would argue, or she'd say i was angry at something, and I'd have to tell her the truth again, and again.

For example, we went camping with her family and I told her beforehand that, as an introvert, I'd probably be quiet in the larger group. she got very angry. After that she always brought it up that I was miserable there. I had to continuously remind her that in smaller groups during camping I was very social with people, and that I had a good time. "You did?" she'd ask shocked. Only for it to be brought up again. I'd give the same answer. "You did?" she'd say.

This went on and on whenever she remembered an experience where she thought I was upset. I'd explain the situation, she'd appear to comprehend, and then later bring up the same thing. So it was hit or miss with her.

[LightAfterTunnel]

Great topic Vaztek.

I've never understood my uBPDw's memory but I definitely experienced RedPill's assessment of dysregulation and making memories fit her feelings.

When I think about it, and I try not to or it drives me nuts, what always gets me really confused was trying to understand when she really didn't remember past events or whether she was just trying to manipulate the situation. Over the years I went back and forth and I've come to the conclusion (read: apathy) that both are present and whole spectrum in between as well.

An example of the in-between, interestingly or sadly, I believe that the more lucid memories she has at times are just simply pushed aside when she needs to lower her inner anxiety about something linked to that memory. In these moments, initially she's cognizant of the memory, but quickly it is too much for her to handle so she rewraps as she needs and that becomes the official 'record'.

As an additional note, I've noticed when I press my uBPDw for certain details surrounding the 'event' or memory at hand much later on, she has no clue or refuses to try to focus on these details. I think because they may make apparent the original memory she has rewrapped.

Have any of you observed the same?

[StayStrongNow]

When dysregulated, ustbxBPDw's comprehension, critical thinking, and recollection of the sequence of events went out the window. Feelings over facts won every time, and her absolute commitment gto her imagined facts was unassailable.

I agree, great topic Vaztek.

RedPill, I cannot add anything to this quote in describing my uxBPDw's memory problem. This was EXACTLY how she was, still is and probably forever will remain the same.

She has been in many in patient and out patient clinics and still is undiagonosed with BPD but remains diagnosed as PTSD because of the loss of our 2 year old daughter. I have been in one session with her and a T and sure to form for a BPD her memory fails her miserably and re-writes her own history with projection, splitting, and all the other traits not consistently found in pwPTSD. ALL her traits point straight to BPD even with the death of our daughter due to Tetrology of Fallot, a heart defect disease being completely my fault.

[Aesir]

My ex remembered exactly what she wanted to. Even then several of them were altered to a negative perspective.

[foggydew]

Very strange memory problems, particularly concerning days and birthdays. He can only remember his own. When he was at school, his memory was considered a matter for concern, too. Even things he is looking forward to will get confused. And of course there are the things he remembers which I don't think took place.

[Duped 1]

Completely distorted and always made me look worse and her better. Complete craziness

[Rayban]

Distorted would also describe my exes memory. We would go out to someplace, and she would say something along the lines of was it with you that I was   here with last? Of course it wasn't.  Or she would confuse me with an ex where she would say remember when we did such and such the last time? Nope wasn't me. She would also forget how long we were together .

It's crazy making and exposure to this only makes it easier to gaslight.

[foggydew]

I'm beginning to think that they do have serious memory problems. The things we notice are their methods of coping with this - trying to make sure they don't suffer any further disadvantages from it.

[40days_in_desert]

After the extensive research and reading many posts on this site, it is clear that the majority of pwBPD have some sort of memory problems. Sometimes the intentional lies were so convincing that they were veiled as bad memory. I found that she was a pretty good liar too (fooled me many times). Whether it was a "feelings=facts" scenario or an intentional deception (lies), what helped me was to move from trying to determine if her false recollection of the past was passive or intentional. Kind of like when I was working in my yard recently and came across a (small) snake that reared up in a striking pose... .I didn't try to determine if it was intentionally trying to attack me or just defend itself. I moved far away from it so it couldn't strike me at all. The "why" in the snake encounter wasn't a factor in my reaction. I did what I had to do to protect myself. 

[Mint julep]

At first I could not believe that he would have a totally different recollection of some events. Usually a high stress conversation or event (and there were many). I would rethink the conversation or event over and over to try to figure out if I was the one that remembered it incorrectly. Eventually I began to learn that he really did not remember the emotional and verbal abuse and then to make himself look better and me look worse he would rewrite the event differently. I think there was a combination of just not remembering and lying to show I was wrong. Then he would call one of his women friends who always told him what he wanted to hear and they would reinforce his story (even though they were not there). Always amazed me how he had a harum of other women around him that pumped him up just in case I did not. Also, he could NEVER remember birthdays other than his own. The other problem that should have clued me into his mental health initially was that his home and lawn were a mess! I mean really bad like hoarding bad. I eventually refused to go there and he would complain that he had this great home. Horrible. He was a brilliant college grad but very low functioning in most other ways. On disability, could not hold a job because he would not keep his mouth shout always new better than the boss.  Diagnosed at bipolar but I dont believe it. I am a health professional and did not see that. Like love and light I though I could help erase the abandonment and brutality he faced as a child and I thought I could shock him into changing by breaking up. I tried everything. Today I am alone and trying to remain NC... .

[Mint julep]

40 days in the desert, hi I think your snake story is really good. I am a visual person and this is exactly the way my exBPD BFresponded to things.

[balletomane]

My ex would lash out at me with rage and paranoia, his viciousness would have me in tears... .and then he wouldn't remember a thing about it. Once he lashed out at me online and when we met in person I was tearful. He asked why. I reminded him what he'd said. He replied, "I don't remember that," and hugged me. He continued as if everything was sunny. I was so relieved that he was no longer yelling and saying horrible things that I just went along with it, even though I felt battered inside. This kept happening. I never got an apology, not once, only, "I don't remember." Eventually he would accuse me of making things up to 'manipulate' him and get him to apologise for things he hadn't done: "I apologised many times for things I forgot I said! Maybe I never said any of them? Have you been manipulating me this whole time?" I was baffled by that and I wondered if he actually does remember himself apologising, even though 'sorry' is one word that never leaves his lips. I still don't know the answer to that.

[In a bad way]

Mine didn't remember anything past 9pm
All the screaming and shouting at me, all the arguments she started over nothing, she did not remember.
Every now and then she would but not often, I could tell in the morning by her attitude if she did or not.
But she didn't remember the good nights also. we could have a great night but in the morning she didn't have a clue.
Great night of sex (blue moons were more frequent) she didn't remember.
I used to think how can someone live their life with no memory of the night before.
We would watch Tv and she would fall asleep and then wake up and want to watch the same thing again because she didn't remember watching it an hour earlier.
There were times we watched the same ting every night for a week because she was adament she had not seen it.

[Bushes]

I experienced the exact same thing. The same stories repeated. Exactly as you describe.

[TazM]

Hi

The memory thing is actually part of the condition. It is to do with the chaotic way their memories are set down. And they think they are perfectly accurate. Can't argue with it as when you do they see it as another attack and often a rejection of them. Annoying but try to seem the humour if you can.   

[vaztek2003]

Its funny how we all seem to have similar stories. I came to the point in believing her short term memory was shot as I said she would seriously repeat herself every five minutes. On our drives around town, she would play her songs, mind you she would only play a lil bit of the song and then skip (Always bothered me, ) but when she'd play the same song again she'd just repeat herself word for word on a specific part she liked.

What bothered me the most is that she could not differentiate between the ex and I on a few activities, like certain movies she had watched. She'd say remember when we saw... .and itd be a movie she saw with her ex. Guess that was a huge red flag in that we were all interchangeable in her life. Again I just figured it was a memory problem but she'd remember very obscure events in our relationships... .like weird quick conversations we had, just strange to the point where I felt she could be messing with me about the whole memory problem, but I could see that when Id mentioned that she repeated herself she'd get down on herself quickly.

[IsThisThingOn]

my exes memory was terrible and she'd be the first one to say that to you. Absolutely horrendous. UNLESS it was something she claimed I had done or some way I had made her feel... .then it felt like all of the sudden she remembered everything. Except, of course, the way it really happened.

Her recollection of events was often distorted to make me the bad guy, the one who caused her to react that way.  Who escalated the situation or who even started it in the first place. At no point did she ever take responsibility for starting anything or doing anything to worsen the situation. As a matter of fact, the only times she DID take responsibility for parts of situations and/or accepted fault in matters... .always done privately between me and her. I remember one time in particular where her mother mediated a conversation... .the whole time in front of her mother I was this terrible human being with complete disregard for her. The second her mom left she decided she was going food shopping, made it clear it was OVER between us. I sat on the couch defeated, hurt, and getting ready to deal with yet another break up.  She must have been in the car for less than a minute when I received the "you didnt even come after me. you never fight for me" text -- Mind you, I had just fought the good fight for over an hour while having to deal with the uncomfortable situation of her mother being there for it all.  Like a fool... .I got dressed in under a minute and rushed out to go with her.  Siiiigh.

Back to the point at hand -- Her memory of the events that occurred to cause this interaction with her mom present were SOO skewed. I was literally at a loss for words over how she remembered everything happening.  This was not the first time AT ALL.

It's easier this way.

I think the memory thing happens out of necessity.  They cant remember how they werent innocent. It would make them feel too bad about everything. Pour salt in wounds they dont want to accept they have. I think in the same sense, it allows them to prepare for the future. Especially in that situation I mentioned with my exes mom. I think that was the day she started what would later be the "he caused this. I loved him with all my heart, I wanted it to work, I tried so hard to make it work but he was X Y and Z. There was nothing I could do" -- She laid the groundwork to play the victim.   Didnt even make that connection until now. Interesting.

[SummerStorm]

My BPD friend will remember random stuff, like the name of my favorite singer, someone who really isn't that well-known and whom my friend knows nothing about, but she still has no idea when my birthday is.  She also doesn't remember, as many people have said already, all of the terrible things she's said and done to me in the past three years. 

[enlighten me]

I used to wonder how my exgf couldn't remember the content of her rages at me. I then read about cortisol and its effect on memory and cant help thinking it may have something to do with it. When were scared we release cortisol. Apart from getting us ready for fight or flight it also dampens how memories are stored. Instead of it being in HD it becomes fuzzy. Hence why most accident victims have a vague recollection of the incident.

I read about this when looking into PTSD. One thing that was hypothesised was that people with lower cortisol levels where more likely to suffer from PTSD as any incident would be remembered in full. An ambulance service in America was even giving cortisol injections for people involved in traumas and found that those treated within a certain time didn't go on to suffer from PTSD.

So maybe at the time of rage a pwBPD is flooded with cortisol and naturally blocking the memories.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi enlighten me,

So maybe at the time of rage a pwBPD is flooded with cortisol and naturally blocking the memories.

That's really interesting.  I remember one time when my exBPDbf was minimising his violence and said something like 'well it's not like I ever had my hands around your throat!', to which I replied, 'actually you did, when... .(such and such occurred)'.  He looked absolutely shocked.  It was clear he genuinely didn't know that he'd done that.  Now I feel like I understand a possible reason why.  I'd found it quite scary that he had these 'blank' moments.

Love and light x

[lostandconfused6]

My current BPDbf has this issue actually saturday night i had brought up something he said Thursday all heck broke loose. "I didn't say that you're lying i know i wouldn't say that" and he did i know 100% or sometimes i get " i know i said that and i meant it at the time but my thoughts change when my feelings change then he will say something totally mean and hurtful and say " this is the truth now i can't always tell you the truth because you can't handle the bad" which clearly given the situation i can absolutely handle the bad.

I'll ask him why do the bad truths have to stick and not the good? i never really get an answer. He will snap out of it and then it's like nothing happened and he didn't say the "bad truth" and i am just left lost and confused

[lovenature]

Very common; it all depends on their emotion of the moment, they literally make up their reality based on it.

[jambley]

My experience of this is yes, her memory was appalling, contradictory and hypocritical on many occasions. Alcohol issues didn't really help with her recollection of events either.

[Lalathegreat]

My ex had an amazing memory for some things and could have counted cards in Vegas.

But he definitely would forget details from our conflicts, or he would frequently be upset that I hadn't told him something that I KNOW I had. I'm still not sure how much of that was genuine and how much was his twisting and covering to justify his feelings.