Mom displays traits, along with OCD

[heartdragon]

Hi everyone.  

I'm thankful that a community like this exists and I am beyond relieved that I'm not alone.

My story goes like this: When I was quite young, my parents got a divorce.

My brother and I end up living with our mom full-time. Over the years, she fights with my father, creates a living space that is not safe, and emotionally/psychologically abuses us. Now I understand it was never intentional and is very likely the effect of mental illness on her and her relationships.

I'm in my late 20s and have struggled with a few things in trying to understand this situation. I asked a lot of questions:

-Why is someone who is supposed to love and protect us saying hurtful and harmful things to us?
-Why did she hoard? (That's the OCD piece)
-Was there something wrong with me? Why was I not good enough?
-Why did she talk about my father so horribly?
-How could I be a healthier adult?
-Would my relationship with her continue as I grew and changed?
-What prevented her from thinking long term with money, etc?
-Did she understand the impact she was having on her kids? (She frequently said things like "I don't even know why I had kids" or "I should of let your father take custody but he didn't want you"

What I discovered is that she most certainly has a mental illness and she has admitted to being a hoarder. I am unsure about whether her diagnosis would be for BPD but she displays a significant amount of the behaviours (intense and unstable relationships, distorted image of self, impulsive behaviours with money and smoking, mood swings - retreats into herself, negative thoughts in general).

I have also worried that I may have inherited both of these mental illnesses. I've sought professional help on many occassions to work through my thought processes and have developed habits that support my health (mentally, physically, etc). I feel like I work harder than most people may to ensure that my mental health is on point and that I'm not having mood swings. I am thankful to have a partner who supports me in this journey and has worked with me to find solutions when I am demonstrating behaviours like mood swings or self-image issues.

The current situation is that I have had to cut the relationship with my mother off. My brother has done the same. We are unable to have healthy relationships with her at this time (as much as I desperately may want one so that she can feel love, that's a selfish and possibly self-destructive thought process). I cut off the relationship with her due to us wanting different things from our relationship. I wanted a healthy relationship (boundaries, learning, change and growth) and she wanted a relationship without boundaries and the ability to talk about anything (except my father). We mutually agreed that we don't trust each other with that type of information (she is a gossip and is very judgmental). After a few hours of conversation, I had to leave and stuck to my guns, leaving her with the decision to pursue a healthy relationship with me. I haven't heard from her since and am starting to feel (as I do with these oscillations and retractions of "love" from her) that I want to help her, I want to show her that life can be better with healthy practices, I want to be friends with her as adults.

However, I know that is dangerous thinking and I'm not a professional who can help her through these issues. She has been adamant about not getting help and I am at a loss. I realize that I likely wasn't empathetically listening to her and would like an opportunity to have a relationship with her. I do the absolute minimum to display affection (hugs at family events, cards with messages for holidays).

On the other hand, a part of me has come to accept that I never got parents (my mom kept us from dad frequently), so wanting/expecting a mothering relationship from someone who is unable to provide that to me is unreasonable. The impacts of having a BPD/OCD parent have been far reaching.

I've read a few resources on my situation:
- Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.
- The Hoarder in You by Robin Zasio

These books, along with counselling, transformed the way I thought about my childhood,  understanding that my mother had a mental illness (or two).

My intent in this community is to learn, to understand if I can have a relationship with my mother (and how to do that) and support others.

Thanks for reading, I truly appreciate it.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey heartdragon:  
Welcome to the Community!  

I'm sorry about your situation with your mom.  I't not about anything you did/do and you aren't at fault.  People with BPD tend to blame others for things and can be very critical.  I'm sorry about the way she talked about your father.  It was very unfair of her to do that.  The lack of planning for the future and money issues would relate to problems with impulse control.  Smoking would be one way for her to self soothe (an unhealthy choice, but better than drugs or alcohol abuse).

I think the two articles below will answer a lot of your questions:
FAMILIAR FIGHTS
DISTORTED BELIEFS AND ATTITUDES OF PEOPLE WITH BPD

I have also worried that I may have inherited both of these mental illnesses. I've sought professional help on many occasions to work through my thought processes and have developed habits that support my health (mentally, physically, etc). I feel like I work harder than most people may to ensure that my mental health is on point and that I'm not having mood swings. I am thankful to have a partner who supports me in this journey and has worked with me to find solutions when I am demonstrating behaviors like mood swings or self-image issues.

 I think many of us acquire some mental health struggles from our parents.  Although, it can be a combination of environment and genetics, I've read a lot of stories from members that lead you to believe that brain chemistry and wiring can be passed on genetically.  We are all dealt a certain hand, it's how we play the hand that can make the difference.

I think what makes the difference is whether someone works to manage whatever mental health challenges they have (anxiety, depression, OCD, etc.).  You are being proactive and managing things, that's good.  You aren't likely to turn into your mother.

Why did she hoard? (That's the OCD piece)

The quote below offers an explaination

But what causes someone to become a hoarder? How can a packrat escalate to hoarder at such a severe magnitude? According to the Mayo Clinic, at this time there is not clear what exactly causes hoarding. There are, however, some commonalities among hoarders.

Age: While severe hoarding is most common in middle-aged adults around the age of 50, their hoarding tendencies began around ages 11 to 15. During these early teenage years, they typically saved broken toys, outdated school papers, and pencil nubs.

Personality: Oftentimes hoarders struggle with severe indecisiveness and anxiety.

Genetics: Although hoarding is not an entirely genetic disorder, there is some genetic predisposition involved in the disorder.

Trauma: Many hoarders experienced a stressful or traumatic event that propels them to hoard has a coping mechanism.

Social Isolation: Hoarders are often socially withdrawn and isolated, causing them to hoard as a way to find comfort.

I'm sure I missed some of your questions, but the info. above should help with some of them.  You can't change your mom.  Hopefully, she will realize that she needs help and gets it.  You set some boundaries and she can choose to honor them in the future.

There are a lot of great communication tools here.  You might want to check out the "Lessons" thread or check out the Workshops (see the "Tools Menu" in the large green band at the top of the page.  The survivor's guide, in the right-hand margin, would likely be helpful for you.

Take care.

[heartdragon]

Thank you for the welcome and reply Naughty Nibbler!

The resources you provided were helpful and validating for how I've viewed my mother's behaviours. Since learning more perspectives around my childhood (my dad, my stepmom), it was a big trigger that there were more layers to the truth than I was told as a child. Thankfully, my dad and stepmom are loving, wonderful people who I've developed good relationships with.

I agree with the assumption that smoking is a way to self-soothe. It's her only method of self-care at the moment, which seems counter-intuitive.

In speaking with my mother about her hoarding tendencies, she's indicated that she has done this for a long time (decades) and that her divorce from my father didn't trigger it. She also indicated that her parents are cluttered (it's true) and it was likely a learned behaviour. I see this type of conversation as hopeful of her changing behaviour with this awareness but do understand that with her mental illness and unwillingness to seek help that it's highly unlikely her living situation is going to change.

Finally, I am glad that I have set the boundaries. However, I am wondering if I wasn't hearing what she "really" meant when she said she wanted a relationship with me. I've been wondering if she meant the same thing I did but didn't understand how to articulate it in an appropriate manner, because of the black-and-white thinking. We would either have a relationship or not in her mind. It wouldn't matter what "shade" the relationship is.

I also know that she doesn't do well with the boundary of "I'm not willing to talk about that" as she takes it as a personal affront and I use that tool to draw lines frequently. She connects with me in public forums (Facebook) but not over text, as I indicated that I would like to have a conversation with her vs a good morning then nothing upon reply (almost like a check in that I'm alive). We also don't talk over the phone any more and only see each other at family events.

Prior to this, we were trying to get good habits going (getting together with my brother for walks and brunch) but my brother is not willing at this time to learn more about how to work with her to have a relationship. Her thinking processes upset him and he doesn't understand why she can't just... .*insert thing here*. Additionally, when my brother is around, the conversation tends to turn this way and I tend to agree with his line of thinking. We both want her to change for her own sake, but as you said, we can't change her.

What I want:
-To hear her and help her to feel that she's not alone. She lives alone in a hoarded home and her only real connections to the outside world are through her phone, work and immediate family.

-Understand what she's going to need moving into her senior years. I don't want to abandon her in a home, mainly because they are expensive but also because it doesn't seem right.

-Work with her without giving up my emotional energy. It has taken me a long time to learn the tools I use today to have tough conversations and it seems that most conversations I have with her is tough, mainly due to negativity.

However, I don't know if trying to cultivate something is going to be fruitful. Perhaps my expectation of it being fruitful is part of the issue.

Anyway, thanks again and I'll look into further resources here on the site!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey again heartdragon:

I'm glad that your dad and stepmom are good influences in your life!

Sounds like you care about your mom and her welfare.  I can understand your concern about her issues and what's best for her, as she ages.  Your mom is likely embarrassed about her hoarding.  When it gets to a certain level, I'm sure it must seem overwhelming to deal with it.  If she could agree to let someone help her tackle the problem, one room at a time, it could lead to her dealing with some of her other issues.  Criticizing and saying, "just do it", isn't helpful.

Perhaps, one way to get her into counseling is to present it as a "life coach" situation. Small efforts, a corner at a time, a room at a time, can all add up.  

In speaking with my mother about her hoarding tendencies, she's indicated that she has done this for a long time (decades) and that her divorce from my father didn't trigger it. She also indicated that her parents are cluttered (it's true) and it was likely a learned behavior.

Is there something in particular that your mom tends to hoard?  Is it a matter of partially being messy and letting things get out of control, or does she collect things like memorabilia, newspapers, magazines, etc.?

One logic that gets people into hoarding behavior is "keep it, you might need it".  Although your mom may think her hoarding is just a habit, it is likely that her anxiety plays a part in the hoarding.  "A learned habit", would more likely be the case, if your mom did not exhibit other mental health issues. Perfectionism, problems making decisions, procrastination, attachment to things, anxiety about making changes, etc. all likely play a part.  Change can cause anxiety for anxious people, so NOT changing her cluttered environment likely prevents added anxiety for her.

My brother is not willing at this time to learn more about how to work with her to have a relationship. Her thinking processes upset him and he doesn't understand why she can't just... .*insert thing here*.

People don't know what they don't know.  What's normal?  Your brother sounds like he isn't dealing with some of the emotional challenges that you are managing in your own life. (he's lucky).  If he had some of your struggles, he might be more compassionate and understanding towards your mom.  Yes, it can be frustrating if someone refuses to get help and deal with things, but it's just not as easy as your brother thinks - "everyone can just do it, because he can".

An interesting observation, if you ever work in a large office environment (with lots of paperwork), is the differences in how people maintain their workspace. There is one extreme, where someone's desk is so clean, that you wonder if they ever do any work.  That person is, also, someone who deletes emails too readily. (you don't go to that person, if you need history on anything).  The other end of the spectrum, is the person with a messy desk and clogged email inbox (keeps history of practically everything).  Some could easily say they are lazy, but that isn't necessarily the case.  They can be the "go to person" for a copy of a report or project paperwork from last year, or notes from staff meeting, etc. The sweet spot would be between the two examples.  

Both examples can be a problem.  One is obsessed with being overly tidy, the other can appear to be somewhat scattered.  Although, the people with messy desks are periodically prompted to tidy up their area for a special event or visit from an important person, the areas eventually evolve back to the way they were.  Some people just have a challenge with organizing things. Although they may do just fine, without stress, in stressful times, the ability to keep things organized goes out the window.

I admire you for wanting to help your mom.  Hopefully, she will decide to participate in helping herself in the future.  Hopefully, your brother will gain a broader prospective in the future and realize that everyone isn't fortunate enough to experience his degree of normal.  

[heartdragon]

Hi again Naughty Nibbler,

Is there something in particular that your mom tends to hoard?  Is it a matter of partially being messy and letting things get out of control, or does she collect things like memorabilia, newspapers, magazines, etc.?

If I had to categorize it, I would say that she hoards clothing the most. She has everything from when we were little, toys, clothes, etc. She also keeps paperwork. She's in the legal field so her underlying need to keep it seems logical.

I admire you for wanting to help your mom.  Hopefully, she will decide to participate in helping herself in the future.  Hopefully, your brother will gain a broader prospective in the future and realize that everyone isn't fortunate enough to experience his degree of normal.  

I hope she chooses to participate in helping herself as well. I think my brother may mature into that line of thought, but in case he doesn't, I'm satisfied being that person.

An update: I got to see my mom for her birthday, which is this week. I chose to give her the gift we had gotten for her (concert tickets), regardless of the changing circumstances and she had a card for me. The card was for my university graduation. I graduated about four years ago. The prompt for her getting me this card was my younger brother graduating a few weeks ago.  She refused to attend his convocation due to my dad attending. She has done this in the past (my wedding is an example) and it causes significant rifts. I've indicated to her that it would be a significant gesture to my brother if she made the effort to give him a card for the occasion, as he keeps cards and reflects on them.

I see this gesture of giving myself and my brother a graduation card as her having a good day and trying to give each of her children an equal gesture of love. This equality has been a big deal for her throughout our lives.

As it stands, her and I aren't communicating much outside of the occasional Facebook comment (her to me) and I am trying to keep a level head about where this relationship is at. I feel like we're in a good place right now, I'm able to be around her for short amounts of time (6-8 hours in a family setting) and give willingly to her.

I'm currently taking the Mental Health First Aid course and even though it doesn't touch directly on BPD, one of the things I've learned is that mental illness and the person are different. Saying that the person is their mental illness would be akin to saying that person is cancer. It doesn't make sense in physical conditions and it doesn't make sense in mental ones either.

Intellectually, I understand this. Emotionally, I know that she will have good days and bad days and under that she does what she can to love me, even if it's not the way I expect her to. The cards indicate the she does hear what I say to her about what is important to myself and my brother.

I am going to be reading a book about the borderline mother soon and hope it provides me some insight.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey heartdragon:   

If I had to categorize it, I would say that she hoards clothing the most. She has everything from when we were little, toys, clothes, etc. She also keeps paperwork. She's in the legal field so her underlying need to keep it seems logical.

It's hard to change people, but perhaps with some coaching (not criticism), she can improve.  Does she have clothing in various sizes (possible weigh issue)?  Does she get caught up in clearance sales, online or in-person shopping?  Some people use shopping/purchasing things as a self-soothing activity.  Sometimes, the activity of online shopping (short of processing a purchase), can satisfy some of that urge (with some practice to stop prior to purchase)

Perhaps she can be coaxed to reduce the childhood items.  Unless she has them displayed somewhere, where she sees them regularly, or views her collection on a regular basis (in some other way), perhaps she would consider some alternatives.  If she could agree to have someone assist her in going through the items, with an agreed upon goal.  Some items are kept (and displayed in some way), some items are photographed (then either donated or thrown away), other items are either donated or thrown away (without photos). 

The photographed items could be used as a slide show.  She could display it as a screensaver for a computer, as an electronic photo frame or just a collection of photos that she views periodically.

I see this gesture of giving myself and my brother a graduation card as her having a good day and trying to give each of her children an equal gesture of love. This equality has been a big deal for her throughout our lives.

I know that she will have good days and bad days and under that she does what she can to love me, even if it's not the way I expect her to. The cards indicate the she does hear what I say to her about what is important to myself and my brother.

I feel like we're in a good place right now, I'm able to be around her for short amounts of time (6-8 hours in a family setting) and give willingly to her.

Although the situation with the cards was unusual, it does sound like she tried to make things equal in her own way.  I'm glad you feel like you are in a better place right now.  I hope things continue to improve.  Accepting her unique ways, will make it easier. 

Is part of the issue with your dad that perhaps he has remarried?  You won't be able to change your mom's feelings about your dad.  It would be nice, if she could attend some of the same events that your dad attends, but it will just have to be something you radically accept.