Just split from ex (quiet waif) we actually agreed that it would be best for us

[lucky013]

After much recycling and pain, we had a massive argument and broke up. It seemed way to easy with very little episode. She is highly intelligent and not like any other BPD i dealt with. She is diagnosed and has been in therapy for years. I thought that breaking up was going to be like ww3.
I feel free now but very lost as i have to rebuild my life now.
Anyone else had something similar to this ?

[roberto516]

Nope . Mine was ww3. When I did leave it was civil but sad. Then she messaged me right away asking for me to come back. I did my thing for 2 weeks but kept trying to show her I really wasn't done... .I just needed time. Well when I had regrouped and decdied I was ready to keep putting the work in she was done. Those 2 weeks had confirmed her abandonment.

I bring this up because even if it feels good right now remember this is an addiction. I felt free and then the longing came back. I know a lot of other people here have reiterated the same thing.

If you're really done that's good. BUT my ex was a highly intelligent waif type and she was in therapy so she realized she could move on. I say this in case you change your mind and enough out of sight out of mind has passed so that she really detaches and you're left a shattered mess like me.

[lucky013]

In previous relationship with a BPD, i had found out many lies and cheating so i found it a lot easier to move on, because the lies and that couldn't be argued with.
I know its best that we aren't together, however. I have to rebuild my life, as i am out of work and saw her most days of the week. before i met her i had managed to give up smoking weed for 4 months and now like 8 months on I'm not as addicted as i was but i still smoke.
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond roberto516 as I'm finding getting over this very hard.
I don't have many friends to talk to about this and this seems to be my only outlook as not many people have an understanding.
Any advice on what do next ?

[roberto516]

In previous relationship with a BPD, i had found out many lies and cheating so i found it a lot easier to move on, because the lies and that couldn't be argued with.
I know its best that we aren't together, however. I have to rebuild my life, as i am out of work and saw her most days of the week. before i met her i had managed to give up smoking weed for 4 months and now like 8 months on I'm not as addicted as i was but i still smoke.
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond roberto516 as I'm finding getting over this very hard.
I don't have many friends to talk to about this and this seems to be my only outlook as not many people have an understanding.
Any advice on what do next ?

I'm in the same boat as you. But it's far easier for me to give advice than to actually start implementing it myself   These are things I've gathered from a lot of wise people on this forum.

Going no contact seems to really help the healing process. I have never been able to make it more than 12 days so I don't know. If I wasn't triggered last week and completely caught off guard I might be close to 3 weeks now. But the time away really helps.

I'd keep sharing here. Look at how many posts I have in such a small frame of time . It really does help keep clarity, and get support.

And yeah, something I struggle to do mightily, is get out and do something for yourself. I occupied my time with a novel I wrote about this experience, but it's done aside from final things before publication. So now I have a void again. But getting out, doing things you want, being social, anything will work. Keep your head up. If anything else, just keep sharing.

Oh and one last thing. I never expected her to come back at all. Swore this was it. Well she did. And she recycled me. And she tried a couple other times (just in a friend role, but I still consider it a recycle attempt). Don't believe she won't reach out. Because the majority of people have had the recycle attempt. So don't discredit it. Just mentally prepare yourself for what you would do if she reached out. If we walk around with blinders on hoping to not run into anything we will. It would have helped me prepare for the inevitability of seeing a picture of her. Had I entertained that idea I could have prepared my brain to react differently instead of going into shock, and then anger.

Hope some of this helps.

[lucky013]

Ive been no contact and havent found it too hard so far and kept myself busy throughout the weekend. My biggest concern is that now i have nothing keeping me here. I left my job as it time for a new career and my thinking is to go travelling and see australia  etc as this is something i wanted to do with travelling but i always have a reason not too. apart from me overthinking everything and never taking any action haha. Plus living at home with my mother doesn't help as i am sure she has BPD traits too.
Apologies for my bad english it was never my strong point haha
Change is very much needed for myself at the moment, have you done much to change your life since or had the intention too ?

[roberto516]

Change is very much needed for myself at the moment, have you done much to change your life since or had the intention too ?

I've tried to but I need to go NC for there to be any benefit. I started feeling good and then she reached out for a recycle. That set me back. I should be so much further along. I should be 6 months NC. But I just haven't been able to stop for any period of time. I'm meeting an EMDR therapist today. I hope that really helps. I can't ignore possible PTSD. Perhaps it's why I can't move on.

[lucky013]

Do you have any children with her ? or any other commitments ?

[roberto516]

Do you have any children with her ? or any other commitments ?

No nothing. We got a dog together but we only lasted another month after that. I took the dog because she said she couldn't take care of it. One of the last things I told her, and I did lie, was that I gave the dog to my friend. I didn't want her ever reaching out about seeing the dog or anything like that. But that was it. No strings to each other anymore. Just a destroyed ego and a broke heart.

[lucky013]

Do you have her on any social media or do you have any friends that still speak to her ?

[roberto516]

Do you have her on any social media or do you have any friends that still speak to her ?

Blocked her on social media after the recycle discard. I don't go on facebook anymore because we used to work together and she still has a friend who i supervise. and that friend is moving to her town in july so I don't want to go on and see her face or anything like that when they inevitably hang out. In a way it's been a blessing to get off facebook because of that. I don't know if she has blocked me as well but I'm not going to play the game of posting stuff in the hope she sees it. I don't need the ego boost of the facebook "likes". I got rid of her on snapchat. I blocked her on all emails but with gmail it goes to the spam folder. So I just don't have to check spam.

Honestly, this has to be about me now. I have raged at her so much the past months since the initial breakup that I am surely painted black and she will never forget the words I said. I did lay it out to her that all this was because of the core wound of abandonment I felt, and that I had suppressed myself for so long with her that it all came out. And I did apologize. But you can't rage, apologize, rage, apologize, rage, apologize 50 times without it finally being taken for what it is. She holds onto words like they are necessary for life. In a way I guess it's good. I see so many people who leave amicably and then have to fight off the constant begging and pleading from their ex. Everytime she started to think about trying again she'd always say "But you said mean things". She won't let them go ever.

The only way she would ever reach out to me again is if she gets hit with a real life struggle and feels that I am the only one she can turn to. It's the only reason she has reached out to me since the initial breakup. But I don't see it happening anymore. She is committed to being single, so she says. But then again, I have learned not to trust people with these traits. I raged at her alot and it still led to a recycle, and even 2 weeks ago posing the question to me "Would you ever want to try again if I changed my mind?" "People do change their minds. If I keep working on myself I could see my feelings change" etc. It's all too much anyway.

[lucky013]

interesting, i have been in several relationships with BPD girls, however the only one that seemed at times much more under control was the one that been in therapy. I had read many books, videos, forums on the subject so when i found out about all this i was very clued up. Unfortunately it took several years of depression and reading and understanding to come to this.

Whenever the girl use to start going off at me about anything that had no reason for it, i just use to leave or be no reactive so she knew that i would never pay any attention to it. People may say this is harsh but it worked at the time, as i wanted things to continue but in reality when it started and didnt change i should of just ended it. We spoke about the relationship, saying all the chats and arguments hadn't changed anything and that we would have to accept the pain and move on. (prior to us ending it, i would always get the millions phone calls and texts, if i just said thats it were over)

 We use to openly talk about mental health and issues but in the end we came to the agreement that its best for us not to be together.

Sorry this was a bit of a ramble.