Rebuilding, hopeful, but feeling very sad

[Larmoyant]

The last time my ex contacted me he told me to try to transcend now and again. Not quite sure what he meant, but he sounded bitter. I chose to ignore it and carried on rebuilding my life. Since then I’ve become much stronger and I’m on the verge of getting back out into the world. Applying for jobs and feeling hopeful that I can finally have a life again. I’d become so beaten down and depressed.

Yesterday he contacted me again asking how I was. I wasn’t surprised to hear from him again and had already decided that should he make contact and was polite then I might answer. I understand more now, have learned a lot about BPD, have compassion for him. I’ll admit to feeling a little anxious though and cautious because I’m aware of who he is and what he is capable of, but he can’t hurt me if I don’t let him. I no longer idealize him for what I wanted him to be. I don’t deny reality and I’m not playing down the abuse at least I don’t think so. I accept him for who he is.

I kept it simple and said I was well, and asked how he was going. He sent me an X ray image of some recent knee surgery saying it had gone well. I found this very sad. I said I was glad it had been a success. That’s it pretty much.

No expectations on my part, no trying to guess what he wanted. I’ll carry on getting my life back, but I’m just left feeling very sad.

[heartandwhole]

Larmoyant 

This is what it comes to, sometimes. The fantasy ends up being reduced to messages of a couple of lines. I can understand feeling sad. 

You have come so far, Larmoyant. It has been inspiring to witness. You have shown strength and resolve, and I look forward to hearing about the life that you are creating for yourself.

Would you say that you are in the acceptance stage of the grief cycle?

Keep on keepin' on. We're here for you.   

heartandwhole

[chillamom]

 Hi, Larmoyant,

Kudos to you for being in the "action planning" phase of your next steps.  It's wonderful that you're applying for jobs now and feeling hopeful; I know how hard it has been for you to get to a place of possibility!

I've seen on these boards several times over the years that our exes seem to know precisely when we are feeling better and choose that moment to inject a bit of venom, a bit of sadness, a bit of themselves back into the situation.  I don't think they're actually psychic, , but who knows?  The bond we had with them was so strong and so troubled, it's not surprising that something probably remains in the "energy field" in some way.  Point is, our susceptibility varies, I guess, and you have worked very hard to get to the point where you are not sent reeling.  You give me hope, because I'm still in the reeling (and sadly, partially recycling) stage. 

The most impressive part of all this to me is that you "kept it simple" in your interaction and didn't spend an inordinate amount of time ruminating and wondering about what and why.  Again, I think you're inspiring in all of this and I and probably many others on here look to you as a role model!  I should get a damn bracelet with "WWLD" on it to remind me to think twice or thrice before I do anything, but sadly, I'm not yet as evolved.

So glad you are coming back to the world….and don't forget that doc thing is waiting….

[Larmoyant]

Dear heartandwhole and Chillamom, thank you so much wonderful ladies   
 
Back on track, but confession time. I wavered a little, was feeling ok with the contact, cautious, but confident I could handle it. Only I’m not so sure. I had a small crash (this truly is addiction) I woke up yesterday with this awful, nagging pain, wanting more and missing him. Instead of images of the bright future ahead of me I was back in the pit of despair.  I found myself checking my phone again wondering if there’s going to be more. Wanting him to text again  

I have made a mistake. I am not ready to talk with him because I’m still trying to care-take and I still miss him. I miss an abusive rager who left no stone un-turned and devalued every part of me leading to suicidal ideation. Do I really miss that? No, I think it’s the trauma bonds manifesting and I am ‘not’ going allow them to take over.

I’m not going to bury these painful feelings though. They need to come out, but they aren’t nearly as bad as before and they will pass. I really do have a future of my own making, with wonderful things to look forward too. The past few weeks I have felt my life returning to me. It’s hard to describe, but little pockets of light breaking through and tiny moments of joy letting me know that life isn’t over and I can not only survive, but I will find a new way.
This is just a tiny, tiny setback. 

Heartandwhole,  I waver back and forwards between the stages, but I do believe I’ve reached the stage of acceptance and hopefully will spend more time here. It’s a good place to be.

Chillamom, I’m here to support you on your journey whether you want to stay or leave. If things get tough just reach out ok.

[Emotions]

Larmoyant, I feel the same as you... .Everyday I go NC, I am starting to feel more relaxed and that I have some hope at a future without my ex. However, maybe it's trauma bonds too, but I also see a future with her in it that I can't seem to let go of yet. The future with her seems like a whirlwind of excitement as well as I see myself crying, impatient and fast paced, actually hyper paced... .why do I want that kind of a future? The quiet calm future can be intimidating for some reason, even though I feel like once I break my bonds I will be able to see the light. I know that I spend most of my waking hours, and some of my sleeping hours, thinking of my ex, and figuring out how this, and why that. I have ran and eaten extremely healthy for about two months straight now, and I am starting to grasp onto my center. It feels healthier than the relationship I was in, but for some reason my mind tries to trick me into thinking I need her back. Anyway sorry for the ramble.

[Grey Kitty]

I have made a mistake. I am not ready to talk with him because I’m still trying to care-take and I still miss him.

Not a mistake, a learning experience.

A mistake would be calling him back or texting him, telling him how much you miss him, and begging him to take you back... .   

I don't think you are at risk of actually doing that!

You felt ready to talk to him... .and the only way you could really test that was to try it when he called. And now you know you weren't as ready as you thought you were.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Emotions, keep doing healthy things. The more you take care of yourself the better it gets. By the time my relationship ended I was a physical and emotional wreck, eating badly, drinking wine to cope. I felt as if I’d aged 20 years and couldn’t bear to look in the mirror. That’s changing now. No excess wine, healthy food and exercise it really does help. I’m starting to feel attractive again. Like I felt before he tore me to pieces!

As for excitement, there was never a dull moment that’s for sure, particularly the intense passion that kept me going back for more, but at what cost? I don’t miss the ‘excitement’ (anxiety?) that came with his impulsivity. I now want steady, consistent, stable and safe. Keep reminding yourself of the costs. Did your heart race with anxiety? Mine did and there were times I felt I would have a heart attack. I used to wake in the night with my heart thumping out of my chest. I don’t miss that one bit.

Keep going Emotions, one step at a time, your wonderful future awaits and it can still be exciting if you want. Healthy excitement, not the kind that hurts you.

Not a mistake, a learning experience.

.

Hi GK, this is a much better way to view it.

.A mistake would be calling him back or texting him, telling him how much you miss him, and begging him to take you back... .   

I don't think you are at risk of actually doing that!

.

You’re correct I am in no danger of doing that whatsoever. Not in a million years . I know with utmost certainty that if I did he’d take great pleasure in rejecting me. In response to previous contact, which he interpreted as me wanting back in, he said that “I would now have to live without his presence”.  

.You felt ready to talk to him... .and the only way you could really test that was to try it when he called. And now you know you weren't as ready as you thought you were.

Yes, I feel like I put my hand back in the fire and got burned.