Diagnosis and confession

[Harley Quinn]

I posted yesterday that I was going to see a psychiatrist for diagnosis today.  I'm going to cut to the chase.  The verdict is in.

I am suffering from PTSD.

I have a mood disorder (not specified to me - perhaps my follow up letter will clarify - got kind of side tracked by the next part... .)

I have BPD - well, technically I had BPD.  Whilst the traits remain present it's now to a lesser degree than earlier in my life and so I therefore no longer meet the diagnostic criteria.  It is there though.  I can still feel it.  It's in the way I live, the choices I make, the relationships, everything.  I still have the drives, the motivations and the emptiness.  I'm still impulsive and sexually uninhibited.  I have an addictive personality and turn to self destructive means of escape when I'm under stress.  I have a deep desire to run fast and far when things get on top.
 
One thing that differs in me to the norm (I think) in how I present is I tend to end up in a caregiver role, but that is only part of a bigger dynamic.  I feel I do this because it's what I so desperately crave in myself.  It also turns me into a victim... .Another is the explosiveness.  Whilst I've always been passionate and sometimes this has been interpreted as aggression, I am not one who is inclined towards rages unless SERIOUSLY pushed and am never physical either.  On the contrary, I'm very in touch with my feelings (would rather talk things through calmly and reasonably) and can regulate them pretty well.  This is mostly through learned skills though and life experience I guess.  I do think I'm higher functioning and am certainly nothing like my extreme ex in my presentation.  Yet the push/pull, fear of abandonment and engulfment issues are undeniable.  I can also become emotionless when under extreme stress/trauma.
 
It's been a long time since I self harmed in a direct way (teen years) or attempted suicide (last time I seriously considered this was over 4 years ago).  I have a history of eating disorders - still have an unhealthy relationship with food, have had issues with substance abuse, alcohol,reckless behaviour, getting into very risky and outright dangerous situations, total self neglect and negative self image.  There will be more but you guys don't need to necessarily know every finer point and I don't remember everything we discussed as I sit here now, although I'll get a written summary of the conversation.  Fact is, a LOT of what I've done in my life is now making total sense.  I suspected this, was afraid of it and now it is a huge relief to get confirmation.

I also feel a bit like an infiltrator now!  But trust me when I say that having gone through the relationship with my BPDexbf, who is off the scale compared to myself, I have learned so much.  I have finally experienced a glimpse (because the rest doesn't compare to anything I'd ever have done) of what it was like for my ex partners and it's been an eye opener.  I suddenly feel bad for some of the things I did that I hadn't ever questioned.  I was never terrible to people, however I did discard them.  I also am ashamed to admit that I had sex with 3 of my ex partners a long time after leaving them.  Without any intention of rekindling anything.  I see now that they were probably hoping to win me back.  I believe I have (this will sound arrogant and I'm far from that) been an addictive quantity to some men and it has not been through any conscious effort but I now feel for them as I feel for myself and everyone here on that front.  One ex partner got into a long term relationship and I was surprised when he suddenly broke it off.  They had seemed so happy.  When I asked him the reason he simply said 'she wasn't you'.  I now feel awful for him.  I couldn't give that back to him.  Another ex pursued me and I ended up having sex with him whilst he was with another woman whom I really thought he loved but he said he just couldn't get me out of his mind.  This is all coming back to me now.  I'm being flooded with memories.

I have never ever cheated on anyone.  I have trodden close to the line though.  I have slept with two men my whole life who were cheating on their partners and I never felt OK about that.  Three if you include my recent exBPD who was married but estranged for 3 years.  It's something I feel strongly against and the men were clear on that but pursued me hard anyway and actually wore me down - guess I've problems with boundaries but that isn't a surprise to me.  Plus I do have a sex addiction and I suppose they found my weakness.    

I genuinely love people and care about others' well being.  If anything I have experienced issues in my life through having too much empathy and being burned because of it.  It is impossible for me to ignore another's suffering.  Something I see as a positive quality yet one that has undoubtedly been destructive for me.  In the end when I'm used, abused, abandoned, disrespected, unappreciated I feel resentment and pain.  

What I want to say is, I feel terribly guilty for posting as a non when it turns out I'm not technically a non... .Yet everything I say and feel remains absolutely what it is.  Gospel.  My feelings are what they are and I suppose I'm somewhat recovered.  This might prove to be advantageous.  As I delve into my past and begin to understand myself better, maybe I can be of help.  I hope nobody feels off put by this new information.  I am going to commence long term therapy and this is to iron out the things that are still very present for me and do continue to affect my life so that I can get better and make better choices.  It's what I've always been seeking.  I just didn't get the diagnosis when it still applied.  I will continue to post on this board as I am still detaching from the wounds of a failed BPD relationship myself and I hope that something I say can be useful.  With my background being what it is, you guys can decide to take what I say as you choose.  My aim will remain the same.  To be whatever support I can to others in pain.  I have so much to thank you all for and have a deep respect for every person who posts here.  That's why this post contains far more information than my parents will ever know.  I find it easier to share with you.

Love and light x

[roberto516]

Harley Quinn

You show far too much empathy my friend. Far too much. You can relate so well to all the things I have said, and the general concern you have is so heartfelt and meaningful. Your ability to put into words your thoughts and feelings is so admirable.

My ex might not score on all of the criteria anymore (she would have when she was younger) but she is still stuck in a place where she can't express her emotions, shuts down, lacks any empathy, is totally self-centered, and has no desire or urge to ever give in a relationship (use empathy).

You don't sound like that to me. If anything your introspection means you really are a success story then. And that's something to be really proud of. The fact you went to see a professional with the intention of learning possible things you might not wanted to hear is far and above what any of our exe's want to do. I don't think they want to learn about themselves. They just want the pain to go away so they can safely suppress their true emotions.

I just went to seem my new therapist who does EMDR. She also agrees that there is trauma. She also agrees that my ex presents with BPD traits. It was funny, as she was filling out the paperwork I looked to her bookshelf and saw "Stop Walking on Eggshells." Next week we start the EMDR basics.

I don't think you have to apologize for anything. You have been hurt and are opening that dark closet where things might lurk you never wanted to see about yourself. That takes bravery and courage that few humans (personality disorder or not) will never do. It's too scary.

[stimpy]

I admire so much what you have written and this huge step you have taken. What you have done takes enormous courage and strength. And as an aside, I'm fairly certain that my expwBPD, wouldn't have the self awareness, self knowledge, openness, and honesty to write what you've just written. I would say that pretty much everyone I know or have ever known has issues in their life, we all do and we all have coping mechanisms to help us get through life, some good, some not so good, we can only do our best with the cards life has dealt us. It is through knowledge that we develop and improve. Just doing what you've done makes you an amazing person. 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Harley
How beautifully written... .I've read a good number of your posts to people and your words have helped me immensely.  Those of us with PTSD can land in any number of ways.  But we don't have to stay where we land.   I don't feel that any of us is all one thing or another.  And I don't know anyone who is proud of ALL of their lifetime behaviors. Through what you communicate here and throughout your posts, you demonstrate incredible self-reflection, kindness, deep empathy and a loving heart. 

Please don't leave us.

[jonmnemonic]

Staring into the abyss... .

[Harley Quinn]

Dear beautiful souls,

Thank you so much for your kind words.  You've no idea what it means to me to receive such compassion and understanding.  I have to admit it was nerve wrecking to hit post after what I wrote, and did have some major concerns about being shunned.  I am effectively the product of your nemesis!  I was also worried about being considered a fraud and for having manipulative reasons for my posts, which is absolutely not the case I can assure you.  I did not know my diagnosis and only through meeting the ex did it really occur to me that the things that made me different could be a personality disorder.

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, for whom time is a healer in the case of the BPD.  I did have a particularly wild youth and very dramatic fiery relationships with lots of passion both positive and negative.  I understand from the psychiatrist that an individual can effectively 'outgrow' some of the traits, as the frontal lobe develops over time and many can see a reduction and almost a fizzle out of some of the behaviours over years.  Other sufferers however are still in the full throes of all the drama into their forties and even fifties she said, still cutting and attempting suicide - which is scary.  I'm so glad that's not me. 

I do feel that some aspects of my character simply don't fit with BPD however there's no doubt that some of my attitudes and behaviours throughout my life have been exactly within the parameters so I suppose that it takes enough of the traits to be more prevalent than others to fit the bill.  I'd never intentionally hurt anyone, either verbally or otherwise, yet in true Scorpio style, push me too far and you'd know about it.  Certainly in the past anyway.  Nowadays it takes a great deal more to get me to that point.  Suppose a string of abusive relationships beat me down somewhat and the self doubt and poor self worth kinda took over the quick temper.  So environment is clearly a big factor in presentation.  Revenge and smear campaigns just aren't my style though.  I believe in karma.   

To be fair, I don't expect everyone to necessarily trust me on my word and that is totally understandable given the experiences we've all had, but I really appreciate not feeling pushed out and I will definitely remain a presence as you guys feel like a safe place to me.   

Love and light x

[roberto516]

Harley,

If anything your post has allowed me better gain more understanding of who she is. As much as I dislike it sometimes because of what she did/didn't do. I understand that she wasn't capable of being in a healthy relationship. I'm not saying you aren't. All the work you seemed to put into the recent relationship shows you are trying and have awareness.

And my ex has outgrown a lot of the behaviors. The eating disorder, attempted self-harm, etc. but those emotions are still so secretly guarded and the emotional regulation is really lacking. As is the empathy, insight, and inability to take responsibility.

I guess the thing that actually does hurt about your post is when she told me "I could have done better and done more. But I didn't want to." A part of me is sad that she might get to your point in self-growth and really try in a different relationship, as you did, and be a perfect partner for someone else who just came along at the right time.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

Sorry that I've caused these thoughts to surface for you.  That could happen to all of us and I wouldn't wish it for anyone.  I hope should that day arrive for my ex that I never have to know.  I know in my past I left good men.  Now I realise that it was the fear of engulfment.  I've loved all my relationship partners, just not to the same intense degree as my exBPDbf.  Feel bad as I know I hurt them in detaching as I did.  It just felt too much.  When getting involved with someone new I eventually began to say 'look, at some point, for no apparent reason I will try to run.'  If I really loved them strongly I would even say 'when that happens don't let me'.  Irony is the ones I've tried hardest with have been the most messed up and who can be a perfect partner to someone like that in the end?  It's ironic.  Not that I'm suggesting that messedupness is the answer to being successful with someone with the traits!  Clearly it hasn't worked so far for me. 

I know exactly what you're saying though.  I have the same thoughts about my exBPD.  Some day someone else will be in the right place and lucky them.  He isn't at the stage I'm at regards committing to therapy but does have it in him.  Just needs to maintain motivation.  We seemed to be doing so well at pursuing his treatment and engaging with all the right support, until d day where he discovered something that split me black and it all fell apart.  Want to know the best part?  The thing he discovered is something that was driven by my BPDism, as I've decided to call it.  And I can't blame him for feeling as he did because I would have felt exactly the same way in his shoes.  It's a tragedy.  We could maybe have made it if I were a full non... .then again maybe I was so different (as he always said) to him because I am different in that respect.  By having BPDism. 

I think your point about not being able to be in a healthy relationship does still apply to me, in that I seem to be drawn to men who are outright bad for me and in the instance of my recent ex, people who in some ways are LIKE me.  So in my case, I think my problem is that I'm trying, just with the wrong type of men.  Perhaps being a naturally passionate individual means I crave that drama and excitement too much to put down roots in a relationship that doesn't provide that somehow.  However it's been said that all of us as ex partners of these individuals are missing that after they are gone... .Seems to me that BPD or non or 'the non formerly known as BPD', I am pretty lost right now. 

And missing him like hell.  Never more in fact.  It's so very hard not to reach out to him now with the insight into myself that I have - which he recognised without a doubt - to tell him and thank him for being pivotal in bringing me to this point, whilst apologising for the traits I still have that will have impacted him.  Worst thing?  I literally could have physically reached for him today as I saw him.  Twice.  His bat sense must be working alright.  We are both a bit spooky (yes, soo BPD haha!) and kind of magnetised towards one another.  My news is fairly epic and is still sinking in.  How I wish to be held by him right now.  Walking past him this evening was the hardest thing and my chest is still constricted, my throat still tight... .It was 2 hours ago.  I could have ran to him and it took everything I had not to call his name, just to smile at him, look into his eyes... .Momentous occasions are going to be difficult, aren't they?  Suppose we know that.  I hope we can all rest easy tonight and wake with optimism tomorrow.  Off to distract myself from these feelings now.  They're too much to sit with at the moment, and that's okay.

Love and light x     

[Lollypop]

Hi HQ

I understand from the psychiatrist that an individual can effectively 'outgrow' some of the traits, as the frontal lobe develops over time and many can see a reduction and almost a fizzle out of some of the behaviours over years.

Thanks so much for this point. I'm normally in the Parenting Board and have been working hard on improving my core relationship with my DS26. He returned home to us following crisis and dx at 24. He's recently been re-dx as GAD, depression with BPD traits. He's just started Somatic therapy.

He's improved so much in the last 18 months. I'd already put some of that down to being in a more stable, supportive and non judgmental environment (first time ever!). I've also been saying in the forum that I could see him naturally maturing. Your point backs up my theory. It's heartening to know.

The psychiatrist said that most of us, at some point in our lives during a crisis, would present as BPD. I can recognise my own behaviours snd emotional neediness and have taken responsibility for my own role in my DS's problems.

I've doubted myself twice on the forum. At the beginning because I suspected I was "different" shall I say. The second time when my DS's dx changed - how could I be on the forum when he isn't BPD.

The truth is that we have our own story, own experiences that others can learn from maybe or more to just relate to and help them better understand their own situation.

You belong here for as long as you want to be here.

LP

Ps. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Lollypop,

Thanks for your reply.  I'm so glad to be able to offer you something positive in what I was told by the psychiatrist.  It sounds like you're doing an amazing job at being supportive for your son and it's wonderful to hear he is improving.  I believe we all can if it is our wish to do so.  Congratulations too on taking time to self reflect and seek positive strategies to help both your son and yourself.  That takes great strength and courage - something I don't always feel I have - hence how it has taken me a lifetime to get to this point for myself!  Had I been diagnosed so many years ago my life could have taken a completely different course however I wouldn't change it for the world, as I feel blessed in so many ways.  Not least finding such an amazing community of kind and compassionate souls in this forum.  I believe everything happens for a reason.  I have always felt I was 'different' too, but I think it's our differences that make us who we are and give us something individual to offer.  Thanks for your encouragement.  Keep posting too!

Love and light x

PS I'd love to hear how the Somatic therapy goes for your son, if you are happy to share.