Looking for some input on (ex?) girlfriend

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

During my separation and divorce I met and spent A LOT of time with a woman who I really enjoyed being with.  We had a great chemistry and I was in love but unavailable to be in relationship.  She likewise was separated and going through divorce but claimed that she was totally ready for a serious and committed r/s.  I have heard about the rebound r/s' and figured ours to be as such. 

She and were at different life places; I wanted to try and have a family and she was looking towards retirement.  Knowing that she was in love with me and that I was unavailable to commit, I broke our romantic r/s off last June; but we stayed together anyway through December and honestly I was still in love with her and she with me but I knew I had to explore options lest I end up angry at her if I committed too soon.

Fast forward to now, I have explored some options and am much more ready to let go of my younger dreams of family life.  She has met a guy and is in a relationship.  Despite that, she and I had still been talking almost daily up to about a month ago and things only recently began to slow down and our conversations became less personal and shorter in duration etc. 

She also asked me to meet her new boyfriend and told me that we couldn't hang out until I did and that she really wanted to hang out with me.  I have explained to her on a few occasions that I still have feelings for her and she didn't realize that though I am happy for her, it is difficult for me to hear about her r/s.  She replied saying that she still had feelings for me and at least verbally diminished her stated feelings for new BF.

So, I really want to be with her and have been missing her of late but not at all keen on meeting her BF.  Today we talked and she tells me that she would like to see me next week and that we can arrange the BF meeting and afterwards go hang out together.  She also told me how her new BF has grand kids and relayed a story how she played squirt guns with a 3-year old. 

Perhaps I am being selfish, but I felt angry after her telling me this.  We spent many months together with me relaying pain about how I didn't have my own family and that was so hard for me to lose the marriage because my dreams went with it.  And now, she is with this guy telling me about the grand kid and burying our r/s with distance while telling me she wants to get together but must meet BF. 

I don't blame her for going after what she wants but I find myself struggling with wanting to be with her and her telling me these stories about how great her life is and my dreams and wishes have not materialized.  I wonder if she is "getting even" with me by telling me all this - it feels that way to me.

Any comments on meeting her new BF?  Should I just end this charade?  I feel once again at a place where I need the companionship but am holding onto threads trying to stitch together some form of happiness and sense of belonging with someone I have a lot of feelings for but is treating me less than kind.

[joeramabeme]

During my separation and divorce I met and spent A LOT of time with a woman who I really enjoyed being with.  We had a great chemistry and I was in love but unavailable to be in relationship.  She likewise was separated and going through divorce but claimed that she was totally ready for a serious and committed r/s.  I have heard about the rebound r/s' and figured ours to be as such. 

She and were at different life places; I wanted to try and have a family and she was looking towards retirement.  Knowing that she was in love with me and that I was unavailable to commit, I broke our romantic r/s off last June; but we stayed together anyway through December and honestly I was still in love with her and she with me but I knew I had to explore options lest I end up angry at her if I committed too soon.

Fast forward to now, I have explored some options and am much more ready to let go of my younger dreams of family life.  She has met a guy and is in a relationship.  Despite that, she and I had still been talking almost daily up to about a month ago and things only recently began to slow down and our conversations became less personal and shorter in duration etc. 

She also asked me to meet her new boyfriend and told me that we couldn't hang out until I did and that she really wanted to hang out with me.  I have explained to her on a few occasions that I still have feelings for her and she didn't realize that though I am happy for her, it is difficult for me to hear about her r/s.  She replied saying that she still had feelings for me and at least verbally diminished her stated feelings for new BF.

So, I really want to be with her and have been missing her of late but not at all keen on meeting her BF.  Today we talked and she tells me that she would like to see me next week and that we can arrange the BF meeting and afterwards go hang out together.  She also told me how her new BF has grand kids and relayed a story how she played squirt guns with a 3-year old. 

Perhaps I am being selfish, but I felt angry after her telling me this.  We spent many months together with me relaying pain about how I didn't have my own family and that was so hard for me to lose the marriage because my dreams went with it.  And now, she is with this guy telling me about the grand kid and burying our r/s with distance while telling me she wants to get together but must meet BF. 

I don't blame her for going after what she wants but I find myself struggling with wanting to be with her and her telling me these stories about how great her life is and my dreams and wishes have not materialized.  I wonder if she is "getting even" with me by telling me all this - it feels that way to me.

Any comments on meeting her new BF?  Should I just end this charade?  I feel once again at a place where I need the companionship but am holding onto threads trying to stitch together some form of happiness and sense of belonging with someone I have a lot of feelings for but is treating me less than kind.

[Grey Kitty]

I see a few options for you going forward with her (in the medium term)

1. Douse that fire, and just be friends with her.

(It doesn't sound like you really WANT to do this, or that you believe you can do it well)

2. Meet up with her, hoping for more than she's currently offering.

This puts situational pressure on her to either cheat or dump her current bf for you. (Even if you don't actively TRY to do these things or manipulate her)

It also would suck for you, and interfere with your ability to find a more available gf.

3. Tell her that you are still carrying a torch for her, and aren't ready to be friends, and don't care to meet her boyfriend, and cancel this whole meeting, and back away from her.

NOTE: It is very much normal to need some time after you break up before you can be "just friends", even if it is a good, clean breakup. Your logical mind knows that you aren't together with her anymore, but your heart hasn't caught up to it yet.

If you didn't guess which one I'm going to recommend from how I wrote this, take door #3 if you can.

And it doesn't have to be forever. Tell her that you will reach out to her later when you've gotten it through your head that the two of you are really over, and when you are ready to be friends. If you can see her with her new boyfriend, and be happy for her that she's in a good relationship, that will be your clue that you are more ready than you are today.

FYI, I don't think she's treating you particularly badly--she's just treating you as a friend now, and if you weren't still carrying a torch, you probably wouldn't be very upset about anything except perhaps her backing away from talking with you and talking about more intimate things for a month. But because of where you are with her, you ARE hurt... .

[Circle]

I don't have a definitive answer for you.
I've stayed friends with people that way before.
It did help me in letting go.
I think because, I was able to see them in a real light that I hadn't before, a little more objectively.
Most people, even when we are in love with them, aren't as great as we build them up to be.
We are all just people.
I don't have any advice about meeting the b.f.
I've done that before.
It can be interesting.
I guess you have nothing to lose.
It's just more experience.
Hang in there.
She may just not be the one.
Why wait though, when you could at least be meeting new people, even if you aren't ready to fall in love with them?
Don't feel obligated to answer that question, just my thoughts on it.

[joeramabeme]

Thanks GK and Circle.

If you can see her with her new boyfriend, and be happy for her that she's in a good relationship, that will be your clue that you are more ready than you are today.


Yes, this is it.  She also has feelings for me but seems to be much better at moving on and so has - even if she has some pangs and reminisces.

J

[Sunfl0wer]

Yes, this is it.  She also has feelings for me but seems to be much better at moving on and so has - even if she has some pangs and reminisces.

I would imagine that it could be a bit easier for her to maintain a more friendly set of distance/boundaries with her emotions towards you as she has someone else she is attached to atm.

My current opinion is that a good portion of our attachment to another has to do with that person and relationship and experiences that we develop with them, however in addition, there is also some attachment that has to do with original core attachment desires.  

So for this gal, she likely has no unresolved longing for that original core attachment desire while as it is likely being met with her SO. However, it sounds as tho she does have an interpersonal attachment to you (likely also another one towards him) and therefore does have those pangs towards you.

So I am thinking it may be easier for her because her missing you is really just the grief of the one interpersonal attachment to you. Whereas you missing her could be a combination of both the attachment you developed for her, as well as the original core attachment desires that have no resolution atm.

Kinda making this up, also making some assumptions on the situation just for the sake of possiblility in case helpful in some way.  Idk, how I generally see things, but a bit based on the book Attached.

[joeramabeme]

Thanks SF, what you say makes sense. 

She and I talked some more and spent an entire day together last weekend - without meeting her BF.  It was really nice and I believe we still have that spark between us even though she is with someone else at the moment.

My best read on her position, after my visit, is that she would still like for us to be together but would have to end her current r/s to do that and therefore would be taking a big risk if her and I do not work out.

I plan to stay in touch with her and perhaps I am a sap but believe that love can sway us to do things that otherwise make no sense at all.

[truthbeknown]

I am on the opposite side of this so I thought I would chime in.  The gal that went out with did an about face with me and said she wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship with one person.  She wants to explore "whats out there" because she was in a 20 year marriage and is afraid to commit to one person again.  She is down on "relationships" even though she likes me and told me she wants to keep options open.  And not to mention she said that she was super attracted to me and that the sex was nothing like she had ever done before (she could just be telling me that to boost my ego? ).   It was hard to feel so connected to someone and then have them tell you that they want to explore other options.  It honestly felt narcissistic. But maybe she is just really afraid of relationships?  it's hard to logically think that it is okay for someone to just cycle through dating if they are afraid of relationships.  I could never do that.  I'm just not built that way.

Fast forward to current situation.  I decided to move on and go no contact and after 3 or 4 weeks she reached out to me and sent me a picture of her.  I told her that I had decided to move out of town and would like to meet to say goodbye.  We had arranged to meet on the following Sunday (3 days later) and when i texted her to finalize plans she texted me back to tell me she was in the hospital and had a heart attack!  

I went to see her that night in the hospital and spent time with her during my last week in town.  I stayed over at her house one night because she was afraid to be alone.  I probably will post the full story on my own thread but my point is that after this week she confessed that she went out on a date with another man and then realized that she missed me (only to find out that i was going out of town.).  So my going out of town was like your gf finding another bf in a metaphoric way.  Sometimes we move on because we are trying to get over pain.  Maybe this relationship with him is just a pain killer and she really wanted it to work out with you!  now she is in a pickle of course just like I am for being out of town.   I still don't know if she is just playing with me because a few times during the week she kept telling me stories of dating other guys.  It was the last night together that she confessed the truth of missing me.  I wondered why that was so hard for her.  

Have you told her that you missed her and that perhaps you just needed to figure out what you wanted?  
You may still have a chance if you do.   For me she still has alot of challenges because of just getting over a heart condition.  I think at least she realized that i truly cared about her and was willing to love her.  I still am tentative about getting back together because she is still not expressing that she wants me fully.   I hope this perspective helps?