Slammed 50 Different Ways on 50 Different Days

[ManyMoons]

Six weeks ago, my husband of 15 years announced he was divorcing me with no warning, no notice, no voice and no choice. We have two children under the age of ten and my first instinct was to advocate for our family. He refused to consider my point of view, to seek therapy or to explore further.

As the days and weeks began to unfold, I learned he was having an emotional affair with a good friend of mine who is also married with young children. When I confronted him, he lied about it profusely and continued to spin untrue stories about their romance (though I was able to uncover a huge body of evidence). I also learned that my mother in law was colluding with him on the affair and helping him exit our marriage to run away with my friend.

His behavior continued to be bizarre and strange, and so through the help of three different therapists (one I had been working with for a year) I discovered that my husband has BPD (and I believe his mom does as well) and that I have been fully enabling him and participating in this codependent relationship.

I am getting the help I need to cope and detach and take care of my kids. And I'm taking a lengthy and involved divorce recovery course so that I may fully own my participation in this relationship and ensure I never attract this kind of situation again.

But he is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute he's remorseful for blowing up our lives and the next he's accusing me of one crazy thing or another.

We are currently in the divorce process, and I am deeply concerned about how to negotiate everything so we can each move forward. I have taken the high road in my actions and endeavors, removed emotion from our interactions, and communicated only over email in very concrete black and white terms.

In Colorado where I live, mental health issues and infidelity are not taken into account on splitting of assets or child custody.

I'm seeking any and all advice for how best to move forward in this situation, how to advocate for what I want most (keeping the family home and my retirement investments) and how to continue being in a parallel parenting relationship with this man for the rest of our lives.

I would be so grateful for any thoughts from those who have been down this road.

THANK YOU!

[Panda39]

Hi ManyMoons,

I'm just passing through briefly on my break at work but did want to welcome you  . 

There is a book that you should check out if you have the chance called, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger. 

It sure sounds like everything has happened pretty fast, have you had the opportunity to talk with an attorney yet?  We usually suggest you talk with a few to find out what their strategies would be in your situation.

If you haven't already start planning, make copies of important documents... .banking information, car insurance, medical insurance, retirement information, mortgage information... .whatever you think would be pertinent in your case.  If you have small items that are of value to you, you might move them out of the house.

Sorry I can't give you a longer response... .have to get back to work but know that you are not alone and the other members will be along to respond as well.  If you have time you could read some of the other posts on this board.  Just click on the Family Law, Divorce, and Custody link above and you will go to all the posts for this board.

Take Care, 
Panda39

[GaGrl]

Is your STBX still living in the house with you?

What kind of father is he to your children?

What are your hopes and preferences for a custody situation?

[ForeverDad]

You mentioned owning your part in the dysfunctional relationship, that you ended up enabling him.  It is good to do that, with yourself, with your counselor, with your lawyer.  With those you trust.  But beware that sharing too much information with your stbEx, his lawyer or others could become self-sabotaging if used against you.  What I'm saying is that if you state in legal scenarios that you bear responsibility to some extent, it might be used against you.  Maybe not, but do be cautious.

As for keeping the family home, can you afford to pay the mortgage and associated bills?  If not then your natural emotions could be influencing your decision making too much.  Accept that post-marriage life may have greater financial limitations.  Frankly, it's okay to move to a more affordable home if that becomes necessary.  The kids won't mind too much, after all, your home is where you live not necessarily a particular building.

If your stbEx is the main earner for the family, then likely the court would have him contribute to the family's expenses during and (for a limited time) after the divorce.  Also, some amount of child support is almost a certainty.  Is he opposing you having majority parenting?  One goal to establish from the very first, such as in the temp order, is that you the stable parent have primary decision making and majority parenting in the schedule.  How is that going?

I like vacations in the mountains in western CO, I hope to wander there in the next few weeks, hiking, seeing the sights and parking along peaceful streams and rivers.