Introduction...27-yr-old daughter with BPD traits

[Parents! Get help here!]

I'm the mother of an adult, married daughter with BPD traits, though she has not been diagnosed with BPD. My husband and I have known for years that something was "off" with her, but we accepted her doctor's diagnosis of anxiety and depression. However, her behaviors have escalated over the past 2 years, and she has devastated our family. I've spent the past 2 years blaming myself, wondering what I did so horribly wrong to make her hate me so much.

There was no physical, verbal or any other kind of abuse in her childhood. She grew up with hardworking parents, and a mother who always told her she could be and do anything, if she believed in herself. Her friends thought she had everything, though we made her work for many things. We didn't give her everything she asked for.

In fact, other members of our family consider my husband and I to have been really good parents. I really thought I had been a great mother and parent. I did so much for her and with her when she was young. I was a stay-at-home mom for many years; I home-schooled her for the first few years; I involved her in group events with other children so that she always had friends/"siblings." She was free to pursue her dreams and interests; we never held her back. I read everything on parenting at the time. I guess I still am... .

I've been in therapy for a few years, trying to learn how to cope with her damaging mood swings, demands and lack of respect. She has used verbal abuse, manipulation, threats and blame--to the point that I sank into depression myself, blaming myself for the way she is. I am beginning to realize that this is all part of her condition, and not my fault. But it's tough some days.

She doesn't believe I have the right to set any boundaries with her. This is probably the hardest thing to deal with. I really only want to be treated with respect, and I believe I have the right to say "no" when she asks something of me that I feel is not something I want to do or something I want in my life. When I do try to set a boundary in place--example: not bringing her dogs in our car when we plan a pet-free road trip and invite her--she accuses me of being controlling and it becomes all-out war. Then she says she won't come unless we let her bring the dogs. This spirals into, "I'll never visit you again unless you let me bring my dogs." Let me clarify: we have no issue with her bringing her pets to our home. We have room and have always welcomed the dogs in our homes--except when it comes to traveling by car (10+ hours) with them.

So given a choice of coming with us (without bringing her dogs) or not coming with us... .she was adamant she'd bring the dogs. As a result, I had to uninvite her on this trip. I gave her the choice of coming without dogs or not coming with us--which has now become a huge resentment for her.

I feel like no matter what I do or say, I can't set a boundary with her. I struggle with how to even approach setting boundaries, especially with a married adult child. How do I even mention this? How do I set a boundary without suffering the consequence? I am feeling lost.

But most of all, I really really miss my daughter. I thought we were close. Others saw us as being quite close. We used to talk about anything and everything--though sometimes it would result in confrontations with her if she disagreed with anything I said or thought. I miss her so much.

Why is it I can feel so confident in other areas of my life, I can be assertive at work, and yet my daughter can send me to the deepest, darkest hell?

[LostMomma]

I'm the mother of an adult, married daughter with BPD traits, though she has not been diagnosed with BPD. My husband and I have known for years that something was "off" with her, but we accepted her doctor's diagnosis of anxiety and depression. However, her behaviors have escalated over the past 2 years, and she has devastated our family. I've spent the past 2 years blaming myself, wondering what I did so horribly wrong to make her hate me so much.

There was no physical, verbal or any other kind of abuse in her childhood. She grew up with hardworking parents, and a mother who always told her she could be and do anything, if she believed in herself. Her friends thought she had everything, though we made her work for many things. We didn't give her everything she asked for.

In fact, other members of our family consider my husband and I to have been really good parents. I really thought I had been a great mother and parent. I did so much for her and with her when she was young. I was a stay-at-home mom for many years; I home-schooled her for the first few years; I involved her in group events with other children so that she always had friends/"siblings." She was free to pursue her dreams and interests; we never held her back. I read everything on parenting at the time. I guess I still am... .

I've been in therapy for a few years, trying to learn how to cope with her damaging mood swings, demands and lack of respect. She has used verbal abuse, manipulation, threats and blame--to the point that I sank into depression myself, blaming myself for the way she is. I am beginning to realize that this is all part of her condition, and not my fault. But it's tough some days.

She doesn't believe I have the right to set any boundaries with her. This is probably the hardest thing to deal with. I really only want to be treated with respect, and I believe I have the right to say "no" when she asks something of me that I feel is not something I want to do or something I want in my life. When I do try to set a boundary in place--example: not bringing her dogs in our car when we plan a pet-free road trip and invite her--she accuses me of being controlling and it becomes all-out war. Then she says she won't come unless we let her bring the dogs. This spirals into, "I'll never visit you again unless you let me bring my dogs." Let me clarify: we have no issue with her bringing her pets to our home. We have room and have always welcomed the dogs in our homes--except when it comes to traveling by car (10+ hours) with them.

So given a choice of coming with us (without bringing her dogs) or not coming with us... .she was adamant she'd bring the dogs. As a result, I had to uninvite her on this trip. I gave her the choice of coming without dogs or not coming with us--which has now become a huge resentment for her.

I feel like no matter what I do or say, I can't set a boundary with her. I struggle with how to even approach setting boundaries, especially with a married adult child. How do I even mention this? How do I set a boundary without suffering the consequence? I am feeling lost.

But most of all, I really really miss my daughter. I thought we were close. Others saw us as being quite close. We used to talk about anything and everything--though sometimes it would result in confrontations with her if she disagreed with anything I said or thought. I miss her so much.

Why is it I can feel so confident in other areas of my life, I can be assertive at work, and yet my daughter can send me to the deepest, darkest hell?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi LostMomma,



I'd like to welcome you to BPDFAMILY, I'm sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time with your D. I'm glad that you decided to join us, I know how difficult that it can be to cope with someone that has BPD. I understand that our dynamics are different, I have an undiagnosed ex with BPD traits that I share custody of our kids with. Just knowing that you're not alone and that you can talk to others just like you in similar situation is huge help.

A pwBPD have little to no boundaries on themselves, they have a difficult time understanding the concept of boundaries. Boundaries are there to protect us, in simple terms it keeps the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. They're supposed to be flexible but some boundaries are non negotiable.

I had floating boundaries to no boundaries with my exuBPDw, she lashed out when I started setting them with her, it wasn't fun at the time but it eventually became something that I don't even give a second thought to, a pwBPD are emotionally arrested and have the emotional maturity of a small child, keep defending your boundaries because she keeps pushing them right now.

When we establish boundaries it provides stability in a r/s even thought she can be out of control at times, boundaries offer stability. She'll eventually get the picture if you keep at it with your boundaries, she'll test you from time to time but the gaps that she'll test will be fairly big ones. Welcome to the group 

[Mamadukes]

Welcome LostMomma!  First and foremost I want to encourage you to forget about the guilt and self-blaming! No time for that, and it sounds like you are moving past that. But it's so hard. I, too, was considered by many (including myself!) to be a (very) good mom. Let's move on from that old blaming-the-parent model. It is passe. This is a bio-social disorder. The important thing is getting the right help. That's all that matters, I believe.

My 27 yr old son was diagnosed in January. For me, the minute I learned about this diagnosis (I stumbled onto it), I was determined to make it official and improve his access to optimal care. The psychiatrist at his outpatient rehab agreed with the diagnosis immediately.

"LostMomma," great handle! -- a lot of us feel that way! I poked my head in on the forum this morning because I am feeling pretty weary and concerned these days. Diagnosed BPson27, who lives with me, is just completing an excellent six-week "partial hospital" program (after a 3-day hospital stay) which has been the first seriously effective treatment EVER in his 14 years in and out of treatment, because he's in the right place now (with this diagnosis). Yep, anxiety and depression have been the diagnoses for years, but it was always clear that there was something else going on. It was always SO complicated and difficult and awful, and anxiety & depression didn't capture it, or explain it adequately. BPD it is. And, of course, there's help and hope once you've got that diagnosis. DBT, among other strategies, can be life changing. I'm already seeing a huge difference for him.

Ah, but my worries today are because he is being discharged from this intensive program, and it's hard to see how he's going to be okay with next steps. He has a good new treatment plan, but as we all know, it's going to be a long and rocky road, with plenty of setbacks. He is not handling stress very well, and the discharge itself is stressful! Last night was tough... .and we were able to talk about his effective hard work, in that moment, to employ new skills. Somehow he pulled through the "mini" crisis. But... .wow... .as far as he has come in this six weeks (night to day), we are still heading into very difficult new territory now.

I understand, however, that your daughter is not on board so much. That's tough. But boy oh boy, there's a lot we can do on our end, as parents, even without BP's buy-in. I have found that the skills I'm gaining, by reading books and websites, participating in this forum, and tapping into skills and tools on this excellent site and others, etc., etc., really makes a big difference in how supportive and successful my interactions with my son are. My growing skills, I think, helped make the hospitalization come together for him, and hence the great program upon discharge.

Thanks for joining in on the conversation. This support can be incredibly validating and informational. My heart is with you! Keep coming back
MamaD.