its been over So why does it hurt so bad that He said it

[byourself]

Its been so unhealthy for a such a long long time. Ive been detaching and distancing myself the last few months, mostly by not reacting to emotional chaos and demands of NOW attention, that always happens after midnight! I wont answer my phone door and texts. Really upsets him, and I used to give in easily! I told him I would only see him if it was planned. soo Last Thursday at 1am he showed up and I was outside. After he followed me in the house, he raged he'd been on a date, and "she is HOT!" And she thinks I'm HOT. "you think I can't find someone who wants to be with me, and love me just as I am?" (His words were so childish & fueled with the intent to hurt me!) So tonight when He text me "I want you OUT of my life, I deserve to be happy and need to move on" why does it hurt me and I question myself?  It helps just writing this out! I likely know the text book reason, but I'm needing the reassurance of another who's been there and some simple tools to get thru the night, next few days etc. without backsliding or playing the game of contacting for the wrong reasons! thanks someone?

[heartandwhole]

Hi byourself,



Welcome to the community! It sounds like you've been through a rough few days—I'm sorry to hear that. I think your feelings of hurt are normal under the circumstances. In your shoes, I know I'd be upset.

As for the urge to backslide and/or contact: I think we've all been there. It's not easy, but what helps me is to press the PAUSE button and give myself a chance to breathe and feel, instead of simply reacting. These kinds of relationships can evoke very deep-rooted issues that we weren't previously aware of, so taking some space and time to process feelings can get to the core of what's bothering us more than reacting to outside events in automatic ways.

Why have you been detaching from this relationship?

heartandwhole

[byourself]

I've been detaching from the chaos and hurt that I feel every time I've seen Him on His terms... .Always under predictably unpredictable times after crazy ranting texts for hours... .sometimes days of the latest drama that he needs to dump my way.  He usually appears at my apartment between 2am and 4, and 90% of the time I havn't answered the door (pisses him off) or answered a txt back in hours. I used to answer His texts & His calls and try to calm him down to get perspective on the latest crisis ("be his friend", as He says).  But the blatant disregard for my rest, health and my requests to have pre scheduled visits/(dates), beginning at normal times of the day, never happened. I began to feel used violated and disrespected (not a friend at all) more of a dumping ground for his vacillating emotions & distorted perceptions of reality! THEN i noticed His reactions/inactions always turned on me, and somehow I'd become the TRUE REAL PROBLEM that He has  because I could never just? listen! I'd have to tell Him what to do! AND Im right! and I'm perfect, soo perfect I need to tell Him how and why and what to do! raging! ( in reality I'd learned to keep my mouth shut about trying to see the situation with empathy or from the other persons view!) It so helps to just put this in little black letters so I can realize... .just how crazy my own thoughts have become trying understand... .insanity?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey byourself, Agree w/H&W: could you take a mental timeout, in order to regroup?  Is it possible to spend a few days with a friend or family?  I'm sorry to hear about all the stress and drama.  Are you familiar with Boundaries?  They are designed to protect you, not to hurt the other person.  You can read more about Boundaries on this site.  In the meantime, what are you doing to care for yourself?

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

P.S.  You can find out more about Boundaries by clicking on the Tools Button at the top of the page.  LJ

[byourself]

  NOT SHOCKED!
Re: its been over! So why does it hurt so bad that He said it! After last nights message from BPD ((" I will no longer bother you text or call. To much has been done all by me of course. I would appreciate the same in return. Thanks for the ride. )) I got this at 9am... .((Sadd days myname. I just never ever thought I wasn't worth everything you had/have to build start a new life leave the past where it belongs. I know what we had was real! I waited for you to overcome your fears dono if you ever will. I may not have the tools but I sure got up every day with high hopes and expectations! sorry disregard I shouldn't have txt you))  I cant even think of a reply that's fitting.  But I do know EVERYTHING I had/have would never have been accepted or valued or appreciated or protected. He said it best (I may not have any relationship tools, but I sure got up every day with high hopes and expectations!  yes high expectations that I could never meet, and I'm still hearing about it 2years after i moved out and AFTER He said He wouldn't contact me?  

[Helplessly]

Most of these people are just as&$%#es.  Ask yourself what you would tell your daughter, son, friend to do in a situation like we are in. I'm beating up on myself because of the times I withdrew. For a moment I thought maybe I had a personality disorder. But the fact that I'm even considering it makes that scenario unlikely. I distanced myself from her because she had a tendency to make everyone around her uncomfortable.  Terrible physical and conversational boundaries. In short, she could be embarrassing.  I stuck around for the passion. She knew it. My instincts were right in the beginning. She was a weirdo and if I'm keeping score, an as&&#le as well.