Ups and downs

[FantasticMsDox]

I've been feeling sad and angry lately. I'll wake up sad and feel the stinging of anger throughout the day. Right now I'm on my way to class and I find myself feeling angry. I'm thinking about how cashed out my 401k to pay for my exs study abroad trip and how every week I was sending her money. Only to be paid back by her f*cking everyone and dropping the classes.

When I went NC two years ago -- that was something I would hang over her. When I felt bouts of anger I would message her and ask if she ever planned on paying me back, and at this moment I feel like I want to do that.

I was supposed to start therapy a month and a half ago (after searching for a therapist with experience with pwBPD and she wound up not taking my insurance so I had to look again which is a job in and of itself) but between looking for work, going to school full time in the spring and now the summer semester, I haven't really had the time or the energy to follow up.

-sigh-

When I start thinking too much I hop on these forums and just read and I'm relived for a bit -- so I thank you all for that. If I'm feeling overwhelmed posting helps.

I know healing takes time. I find myself missing her and hoping she comes back one moment to hating her and myself the next. The back and fourth between sadness and anger is tiring. I can't help but to think: "if she comes back, so what?" I mean, it's really amazing how you can yearn for someone who treated you like less than dog crap.

These feelings really make me want to sleep all day just to escape it, and then I find myself having intrusive dreams about her. God, I wish I could fast forward to a year from now.

[roberto516]

When I went NC two years ago -- that was something I would hang over her. When I felt bouts of anger I would message her and ask if she ever planned on paying me back, and at this moment I feel like I want to do that.

The back and fourth between sadness and anger is tiring. I can't help but to think: "if she comes back, so what?" I mean, it's really amazing how you can yearn for someone who treated you like less than dog crap.

These feelings really make me want to sleep all day just to escape it, and then I find myself having intrusive dreams about her. God, I wish I could fast forward to a year from now.

I would hang it over her head as well when I went NC as if I had leverage now. I'd wait gleefully for her to find an alternate way to message me asking "Can you unblock me?" Like how cruel could I be?

I agree, the sadness to anger is so tiring. It is draining me mentally and physically. I feel like I am taking years off my life (which I am because with her I had cut down to 1 cigarette a day. Now I'm about 10-15 a day). If you look at my post today I'm hurting because I realize I treated her like crap too. Deep down I'm starting to think that I was the BPD/controlling/abusive one.

I too wish I could just fast forward and this will all stop. If I had a genie and only one wish I would not wish for all the money in the world, the ability to fly, infinite youth, etc. I'd wish for this pain to just disappear from me.

It seems like,in most aspects, we are in the same boat right now. I feel your pain all too well. Thank you for posting. It helps to know I'm not alone with this today.

[FantasticMsDox]

Hey Roberto,

I have to thank you for your replies. Everytime I read your posts I think "wait, did I write this and forget?"

I have gone through the feeling like crap for my own behavior w/ my ex before but I'm not really feeling it now as in I don't feel bad or anything like that. As far as my paying for her trip -- I don't feel any remorse what so ever for holding it over her head or against her. I don't think it was too healthy to do it while angry but, still I feel like I'm in the right.

And yes the flip flopping is literally shaving years off as I too, have been smoking cigs like crazy just to get the edge off. I can't even listen to some songs without feeling some kind of triggered or walk past some locations -- this sucks. I really want my life back.

[roberto516]

Hey Roberto,

I have to thank you for your replies. Everytime I read your posts I think "wait, did I write this and forget?"

I have gone through the feeling like crap for my own behavior w/ my ex before but I'm not really feeling it now as in I don't feel bad or anything like that. As far as my paying for her trip -- I don't feel any remorse what so ever for holding it over her head or against her. I don't think it was too healthy to do it while angry but, still I feel like I'm in the right.

And yes the flip flopping is literally shaving years off as I too, have been smoking cigs like crazy just to get the edge off. I can't even listen to some songs without feeling some kind of triggered or walk past some locations -- this sucks. I really want my life back.

Everyone's recovery is different. But the triggers are far too much for me. Today two coworkers were talking and one of them said her name. Not referencing her but someone else with her name. I immediately had this jolt in my body and I tensed up. I was a huge basketball fan and I watched the NBA finals but I kept thinking how the past 2 years we were together and I'd be watching the games at her house (Even though she didn't watch with me at all). It's why I have linked up with an EMDR therapist. The first "real session" starts a week from today. i will keep everyone updated here if I notice any progress in myself from it.

I too want my life back. I hate having to accept that I have no choice but to move on and care about myself again. I'm trying to care about myself. But now I have finally realized that NC is what I have to do. Or else I will never move on. Have you been NC for 2 years?

[FantasticMsDox]

Everyone's recovery is different. But the triggers are far too much for me. Today two coworkers were talking and one of them said her name. Not referencing her but someone else with her name. I immediately had this jolt in my body and I tensed up. I was a huge basketball fan and I watched the NBA finals but I kept thinking how the past 2 years we were together and I'd be watching the games at her house (Even though she didn't watch with me at all). It's why I have linked up with an EMDR therapist. The first "real session" starts a week from today. i will keep everyone updated here if I notice any progress in myself from it.

I too want my life back. I hate having to accept that I have no choice but to move on and care about myself again. I'm trying to care about myself. But now I have finally realized that NC is what I have to do. Or else I will never move on. Have you been NC for 2 years?

I feels you, man. It's really a damn shame that you can't even enjoy your favorite pastime w/o thinking of her.

And no I haven't been NC for two years (I wish). I went NC in 2015 for about a year but it was bullsh*t bc I had remembered her Pw for social media and would occasionally log into her stuff and snoop --which now that I think about hindered my healing. So when we reconnected in January of this year I knew everything and it felt like no time had passed. It's weird that even knowing all that information (how she cheated on the person she left me for) I STILL let her back in my life.

When I went NC this past April(for realz this time) I deleted that app, because I feel such an impulse to look but I know that 1. I WILL get my feelings hurt and 2. It's gonna delay my healing something bad -- worse than before.

I feel like being used to having that kind of access kind of rewired my brain in the sense that when I would go snooping it's was an impulse almost like trying to have a sense of control -- and knowing what was going on in her life made me feel that control and a sense of superiority because I knew her relationship (at that time) was going to sh*t so I got the bonus of confirmation, if you will.

So now that I'm making a conscious effort to not cyberstalk -- I have very conflicting and confusing feelings. I feel angry randomly and sad when I wake up. It's like having PTSD or something.

[roberto516]

So now that I'm making a conscious effort to not cyberstalk -- I have very conflicting and confusing feelings. I feel angry randomly and sad when I wake up. It's like having PTSD or something.

It very well could be trauma. But our brains really are rewired by this. It's an addiction. The only way the brain heals from an addiction is to get away from it. I finally have to get it through my thick skull to understand that.

i don't know how I could ever look at her social media. Just seeing her face out and about smiling would absolutely destroy me.

The funny thing is, our exe's loved to be in control. But, I hate to admit this, so did we. By being the caretaker we were in a way trying to control them. Almost like, "Look at how much I do for you so you better never leave me or treat me bad." I hate typing that . But there were also a lot of times that I didn't feel like doing anything for her. But I did it all because I cared about her a lot. I loved her and sadly still do.

But yeah, anything to keep you close will probably impede recovery. I know it would for me. Well you have more NC time than me. Keep it up. Anytime you wanna snoop just post here!