How much evidence is needed for a temp RO?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As I have discussed previously, I have had an attorney recommend I file for a DV TRO to protect me in an eventual divorce and also get my wife away from the house. The ideal documentation for them is a record of a police call to the home for domestic disturbance that results in her removal from the home. L said this results in a rubber stamp approval of the TRO 100% of the time. The TRO would also apply to D3 until a hearing.

This makes me really nervous, because she is controlling and very convincing (and petite). If it goes the wrong way I would then be at a significant disadvantage (and have significant professional problems to deal with because of my line of work). Honestly I hate the idea of a middle of the night police visit as well if it can be avoided. I'm trying to minimize stress and trauma in my D3's life and can only imagine what that would be like for her.

I have kept a log of every incident in the past year, and also took photos of injuries in that time period. I was going to then prepare a summary sheet that would add up to something like 76 episodes of verbal abuse in the past year, 32 of which also had some form of physical abuse (most recently two in the past ten days). I had visible bruises, scratches or marks on maybe 5 different occasions this past year. I have pictures of damage to property as well. I would also legitimately fear for my safety if I told her I wanted a divorce in person. She has said many times in her moments of rage she will "ruin me" or "destroy me" if I try to do the same to her. The other side of her would feel ashamed of those comments, but I simply can't ignore them when thinking strategically about divorce.

I haven't called the police before, so there is no documentation like that. Now that I am aware of this TRO first strategy, if I ever have additional signs of abuse I will go have them documented by a medical office so I can also have that paperwork.

My question is what level of proof/documentation have people provided to get a DV TRO? I just assume as a male the burden of proof might be a little higher, but maybe I am mistaken when it is family court/civil law.

[lpheal]

As I have discussed previously, I have had an attorney recommend I file for a DV TRO to protect me in an eventual divorce and also get my wife away from the house. The ideal documentation for them is a record of a police call to the home for domestic disturbance that results in her removal from the home. L said this results in a rubber stamp approval of the TRO 100% of the time. The TRO would also apply to D3 until a hearing.

This makes me really nervous, because she is controlling and very convincing (and petite). If it goes the wrong way I would then be at a significant disadvantage (and have significant professional problems to deal with because of my line of work). Honestly I hate the idea of a middle of the night police visit as well if it can be avoided. I'm trying to minimize stress and trauma in my D3's life and can only imagine what that would be like for her.

I have kept a log of every incident in the past year, and also took photos of injuries in that time period. I was going to then prepare a summary sheet that would add up to something like 76 episodes of verbal abuse in the past year, 32 of which also had some form of physical abuse (most recently two in the past ten days). I had visible bruises, scratches or marks on maybe 5 different occasions this past year. I have pictures of damage to property as well. I would also legitimately fear for my safety if I told her I wanted a divorce in person. She has said many times in her moments of rage she will "ruin me" or "destroy me" if I try to do the same to her. The other side of her would feel ashamed of those comments, but I simply can't ignore them when thinking strategically about divorce.

I haven't called the police before, so there is no documentation like that. Now that I am aware of this TRO first strategy, if I ever have additional signs of abuse I will go have them documented by a medical office so I can also have that paperwork.

My question is what level of proof/documentation have people provided to get a DV TRO? I just assume as a male the burden of proof might be a little higher, but maybe I am mistaken when it is family court/civil law.

[david]

I think there is a bias in court. My ex filed three times and got all three simply stating she was afraid of me and had no real specific threat. I think it doesw matter what county you live in and how they "play the game" in that county.

[sfbayjed]

Why are you staying in the house. Why do you want it?  :)o you have kids?

It could go the wrong way and this woman can ruin your life more than she already has. She is a snake. Emotional Abuse and Physical Abuse already. What makes you think that she wouldn't resort to Legal abuse if she is feeling she is loosing control of you?
The history wont matter if you haven't done anything about it. The one time she calls the police and lies will. If you are afraid of this happening. Do not ignore your gut feeling.

[david]

My ex accused me of assault. I went to jail for two weeks and lost my job. Of course, I never touched her. I purchased a video recorder and an audio recorder for when I pick our boys up. I bought them in 2010 and haven't had a single accusation since that time. I had three protection orders against me and the assault charge before purchasing them.
I would have bet you any amount of money she would not do what she did back then. It took sitting in jail for two weeks for me to get it through my thick skull that there is no bottom to what she will do.

[ForeverDad]

My court, and many others too I believe, can stop listening to incidents older than 6 months before filing.  The term is legally 'stale'.  Older stuff may be useful to demonstrate a pattern of poor behavior but that may be all it can do.

Also, it would be best to file soon after a major incident.  The court may wonder why you waited if you do it after a quiet period.  Here's an example.  Imagine a person calls emergency services (911, 999 or whatever your locality uses) and says, "Last week my spouse threatened to ____.  Help me."  Want to guess the likely response?  "Sorry, it's not an emergency now, please call back sooner the next time."  (Disclaimer: just a hypothetical example.)

What if you're thinking, I'm waiting for the perfect time.  Well, seldom if ever do we get to pick and choose the perfect time.  That's why I wrote above that if you have something happen that is beyond the everyday conflict, then that may be when to trigger your filing.  Of course, we are remote and anonymous peer support, not lawyers.  We encourage you to have an experienced lawyer to advise you on additional concepts and strategies that are a good fit for you.

A caution here.  A person with BPD (pwBPD) is mentally messed up, some are very messed up.  But generally there are two things they know very well, at least those described here.  One is $$$, more specifically your $$$.  The other is that they're experienced manipulators and controllers.  That means they know how to keep you off balance, off guard and reactive rather than proactive.  They can sense when your attitude shifts, when you might be planning something different, such as better boundaries, preparing for separation, etc.  So the risk of false allegations and other sabotaging actions — trying to make you look worse than them — rises dramatically.

[resiliant_dad]

I'll assume these laws are different in different places, but I can say this: DV isn't only physical. Physical abuse isn't only perpetrated by the larger partner, and I think the "bias" is predicated on reporting.  "I'm a man, they won't take me seriously", or "I'm a man, I don't want them to judge me", or "there aren't any signs of abuse".
If she lays a hands on you, call the police. My own tactic when police are called, and it's often, is to leave the house. I wait on the driveway, hands in clear view and empty, and wait for the them to arrive. DV calls are always the most dangerous for police. By waiting outside, you are deescallating the situation. Which the police will appreciate. They won't have to knock on a door not knowing what is on the other side. Keeping your hands empty and I'm clear view is I think obvious.
As for what else can qualify for a TRO? I've had one granted based on text messages. Not even the substance of the messages. The sheer volume. Substance is effective of course; any threats is harassment. But volume is harassment too. At least here it is. Just don't respond. Even if you respond saying something  innocuous as "leave me alone" can indicate to the judge you aren't in fear. And that is the purpose of the TRO.

Those are my experiences. Others might vary.

[lpheal]

Why are you staying in the house. Why do you want it?  :)o you have kids?

I don't want the house, but we do have a child. L advised that if I have the TRO it protects me from false accusations and puts everything in my favor for custody going forward. I spoke with L last week and it sounds like I have probably documented enough for a pattern of abuse to justify the TRO, but generally most recent episode should be within 30 days.

Believe me if we didn't have a child I would have been gone a long time ago.

[david]

We have two boys together and I would have been long gone too if not for them. Ex was given primary custody of our boys because, as the judge said, "moms are better at raising small children than dads are".
It took me three years to get 50/50 custody. Once 50/50 was in our order I discovered ex gave me more time with the boys. Had the courts gone 50/50 in the beginning I could have saved lots of money.
Document everything you do with/for your child. Who makes breakfast,lunch,dinner. Time spent and what kinds of things. Showing you are the major caretaker can help in court.