Hi outoftheshadows,
I am so sorry this has happened to you, it sounds harrowing and both physically and emotionally dangerous. If I have this right, the relationship is over, and in spite of all the toxicity, you still think of her and in some ways want her back. Do I have this right?
I'll play a couple of quotes back to you
I just can't get her out of my head. Even though the relationship was by far the most traumatic experience
I still long for that galvanizing touch of hers
My take on your situation is that perhaps two or three things have happened, and that to get past all this will take some work and some time, and I say this because I've been there too.
You mention trauma - the most traumatic experience... .there is something called trauma bonding, it is a horrible thing that can happen to anyone, it happened to me when I was dumped by my ex, and for quite some time, I really wasn't myself, I remember I couldn't sleep, my appetite had gone, and my feelings and emotions weren't working. I had been traumatised by the relationship and especially by the nature and timing of how she dumped me. This trauma can create a wound and it be enough create a bond, and this trauma bond may have happened to you. In essence it's a type of brainwashing. If this has happened... .then perhaps you could try and find the time to get an understanding of what it is, what it means and what steps you need to get past it and back to recovery and good health. There is a ton of resources on this on the internet and it may give you an understanding of what has happened. And understanding can be the start of building your tools to deal with and process what has happened.
The other thing that you mention is her "galvanising touch". I understand and I get how this is very powerful. My take on this is as follows, and is a distillation of work I've done to recover from my ordeal. So my understanding is that if someone close to you, a relative maybe, or maybe when you were young a parent or in adult life, a partner, if this person, this person you love says something that shames you, criticises you, makes you feel bad about yourself, then the easiest and safest and kindest way for that horrible feeling that has been given to you to be erased so you to feel good about yourself again, is for that person, the one who criticised you or shamed you, for that person to say, "it's ok, you're a good person really, I still love you and want you and whatever went wrong, you are forgiven". If this happens then as if suddenly, you feel good about yourself again and life is good again. The depression or hurt lifts and you get a psychological kick of good feelings.
Any good parent, friend, relative, or partner will do this. It's a kind of relief... .from the pain, and you feel good about yourself again and your self esteem is back to normal.
But if that doesn't happen, and the person who has said or done those horrible things that shame you and make you feel bad about yourself just disappears and doesn't give you that relief, then as an individual you're left with no-where to go. The easy relief from your pain won't happen, and you can get stuck. And that I believe may have happened to you. There is no release. So your brain may desperately want her back... .so that you can get that release, and the pain goes. So that desire to see your ex, isn't necessarily to do with your ex, it is to do with the psychological release
you think she can give you.
BUT I would say this is a trick the brain plays on us. It is not real. There is release, there is escape, and it comes from yourself, from time and re-building yourself. I suspect that you are already a long way along that path, it's just that it doesn't feel like it. Life's adventures and ups and downs will gradually restore your self esteem, and you will begin to feel better, about yourself. But it takes time. But you can and will get there, and you don't need someone else to give you that positive feeling of a good self esteem, you can do that for yourself.
The other factor to bear in mind, is that in these toxic, up and down relationships, the natural stability and emotional contentment that we normally feel most of time, literally gets messed about with, literally the chemicals that are released in the up and down cycles, those chemicals can be addictive. To get off that cycle is tough, like withdrawing from any addiction. BUT it can be done, and you'll do it too. And how... .by being with stable, calm, respectful and empathetic people, who are good for you. And avoiding actions/activities that trigger the highs and lows that your brain has become addicted to.
I remember saying to friend of mine about a year ago, that I still wasn't me, I was
acting me, but I wasn't me. And then I burst into tears, and my friend was so kind, she just listened to me, and let me say all the things that were bottled up, and so it was. That was a year after I had been dumped... .though I was still being stalked at the time. Yuck!
And now, yeah, things are pretty good, not perhaps 100%, but are we ever 100%? Recovery does come, slower for some, faster for others, but it does come.
What I am trying to say, is that the relationship you have been in, will take some time to get over, you may need to do a lot of processing to get through it.
I was lucky and had a really good friend who had the same thing happen to her many years ago, and she saw me through it. Some people find talking to a therapist helps, and that can he really useful, especially if you can find someone who specialises in the aftermarth of abusive relationships, and knows how to handle the situation. Some therapists aren't trained in this, and in my view can sometimes only offer limited help.
So to sum up, I'd research as much as you can, there are many good resources on this site, if you have time, take a look. This information can give you an understanding of what has happened and depersonalises what has happened to you. Also, try and balance your life to be as calm and stable as possible and give yourself time to get over this. Your self esteem and positive vibe will return, the good feeling, that self confidence will return and one day you'll suddenly think, yeah, life's pretty good.
