Want to save my family and marriage

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, this is my first post, but BPD is not something that I am unfamiliar with. I have done tons of reading, research, lessons, and therapy to attempt to improve and save my marriage, and now I turn here to my peers.

My wife and I have a 2 year old son. The 2 of them are my world, and I love them to death, but the stress and anxiety of my wife's actions are literally killing me.  The first few months of our relationship were amazing. We had fun and love in everything we did together. There were occasional spats and small fights which we always resolved and were okay again in a few hours or days, my wife just blamed her bipolar disorder and depression. But as time passed, I noticed she showed more severe symptoms of BPD... .the constant attention seeking from any male she encountered, unstable family and romantic relationships, idealization and devaluation of people, including me, black and white thinking, a history of self harm and suicide attempts, etc. When I first tried to inform her of BPD, it i furiated her.  How dare I attempt to diagnose her or tell her about her problems, I was wrong for doing so.

Fast forward 3 years til now. A few months back, my wife started a new job and instantly began making friends with all the male coworkers and collecting their phone numbers to text and talk. One specific guy she divulged her entire life to including our relationship problems and her history. This guy became attached to my wife as she became attached to him and a small affair started. While he was hardcore religious they never had sex, but she would refuse to allow me to pick her up from work (she doesn't drive) because she wanted a ride home from him and would get home hours later than normal due to sitting in the car and talking, building a relationship, sneaking out with him saying she was going out with female friends, etc.  One night she had to go to the hospital after work and she refused to allow myself and our son to visit her due to wanting this co worker to be there with her instead.  So the next day I finally put my foot down and said it's him or us.  You can keep your family, or you can have your coworker and myself and our son will leave and see you in court for custody and divorce.  After hours of arguing and being told I was being controlling and it was wrong to make her pick her family or pursuing a relationship with this co worker she broke down and picked her family.

Since then, it's been constant arguments about how she should be allowed male friends, how I'm too jealous and controlling, how I use the past against her all the time, how I hold her to too high of standards, etc.  Finally, last night she came clean and admitted that while she has cut ties with this co worker to make me happy and keep her family together, she still has the same feelings for him inside of wanting to explore the possibility of a relationship with him making her happier than myself and our son do.  I asked her to just please read some articles on BPD and after doing so, she finally said that the disorder fits her to a T.  But now we are stuck... .myself emotionally drained and hurt because my son and I are not worth it to her, but a co worker who doesn't know her for more than 2 weeks is worth destroying her family and leaving her husband and son for.  She's hurt because she feels trapped or guilt tripped because I gave her honesty... .that should she chose to leave for him, I will file for full sole custody of our son, file for divorce, and file to have her evicted from my apartment that is all in my name.  She says she doesn't want to lose me, yet she doesn't want to hurt me by staying and being split between the 2 relationships.  I told her to me, it's a no brainer... .pick your family, your son, not some guy you don't even know and just sweet talked you a bit who has no clue who she really is behind the act she can maintain for the first few weeks until one thing sets her off.

I would like to save my marriage and keep my family together but at this point am not sure if it's possible. She refuses counseling, refuses therapy, etc. Any shared experience, hope, advice or similar situations would be very much appreciated

[ItsMole]

Hello, this is my first post, but BPD is not something that I am unfamiliar with. I have done tons of reading, research, lessons, and therapy to attempt to improve and save my marriage, and now I turn here to my peers.

My wife and I have a 2 year old son. The 2 of them are my world, and I love them to death, but the stress and anxiety of my wife's actions are literally killing me.  The first few months of our relationship were amazing. We had fun and love in everything we did together. There were occasional spats and small fights which we always resolved and were okay again in a few hours or days, my wife just blamed her bipolar disorder and depression. But as time passed, I noticed she showed more severe symptoms of BPD... .the constant attention seeking from any male she encountered, unstable family and romantic relationships, idealization and devaluation of people, including me, black and white thinking, a history of self harm and suicide attempts, etc. When I first tried to inform her of BPD, it i furiated her.  How dare I attempt to diagnose her or tell her about her problems, I was wrong for doing so.

Fast forward 3 years til now. A few months back, my wife started a new job and instantly began making friends with all the male coworkers and collecting their phone numbers to text and talk. One specific guy she divulged her entire life to including our relationship problems and her history. This guy became attached to my wife as she became attached to him and a small affair started. While he was hardcore religious they never had sex, but she would refuse to allow me to pick her up from work (she doesn't drive) because she wanted a ride home from him and would get home hours later than normal due to sitting in the car and talking, building a relationship, sneaking out with him saying she was going out with female friends, etc.  One night she had to go to the hospital after work and she refused to allow myself and our son to visit her due to wanting this co worker to be there with her instead.  So the next day I finally put my foot down and said it's him or us.  You can keep your family, or you can have your coworker and myself and our son will leave and see you in court for custody and divorce.  After hours of arguing and being told I was being controlling and it was wrong to make her pick her family or pursuing a relationship with this co worker she broke down and picked her family.

Since then, it's been constant arguments about how she should be allowed male friends, how I'm too jealous and controlling, how I use the past against her all the time, how I hold her to too high of standards, etc.  Finally, last night she came clean and admitted that while she has cut ties with this co worker to make me happy and keep her family together, she still has the same feelings for him inside of wanting to explore the possibility of a relationship with him making her happier than myself and our son do.  I asked her to just please read some articles on BPD and after doing so, she finally said that the disorder fits her to a T.  But now we are stuck... .myself emotionally drained and hurt because my son and I are not worth it to her, but a co worker who doesn't know her for more than 2 weeks is worth destroying her family and leaving her husband and son for.  She's hurt because she feels trapped or guilt tripped because I gave her honesty... .that should she chose to leave for him, I will file for full sole custody of our son, file for divorce, and file to have her evicted from my apartment that is all in my name.  She says she doesn't want to lose me, yet she doesn't want to hurt me by staying and being split between the 2 relationships.  I told her to me, it's a no brainer... .pick your family, your son, not some guy you don't even know and just sweet talked you a bit who has no clue who she really is behind the act she can maintain for the first few weeks until one thing sets her off.

I would like to save my marriage and keep my family together but at this point am not sure if it's possible. She refuses counseling, refuses therapy, etc. Any shared experience, hope, advice or similar situations would be very much appreciated

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

I see a few similarities in my r/s. The other man was also religious. No comment on that; we probably agree. 

Though it's good that you asserted boundaries,  I'm curious on how exactly she reacted when you gave the ultimatum and told her you'd seek sole custody of your baby.  How concerned did she seem about losing access to your child?

[Jobloggs]

I've recently brought a book called

Stop caretaking the boarderline or narcissist- how to end the drama and get on with your life.

I found it very helpful. You cant change her, if you want things to change you have to look at you and your behaviour. Its quite eye opening. I've found it very helpful.

[ItsMole]

I see a few similarities in my r/s. The other man was also religious. No comment on that; we probably agree. 

Though it's good that you asserted boundaries,  I'm curious on how exactly she reacted when you gave the ultimatum and told her you'd seek sole custody of your baby.  How concerned did she seem about losing access to your child?

She claims that myself, and our son Jotun, are everything to her.  She was a little upset by this, cried, and started the whole self pitty party of how by me saying this that I was calling her a bad mother, a horrible person, and that I was a bad person for using her son as a weapon against her because she "knew" that I would never let her visit him or be part of his life.

She has a daughter also who she had when she was 18.  Only a few months after her daughter was born, she had long lost any romantic attraction to the father and decided to walk away leaving her daughter and ex living at her mother's house without here there.  She has been in and out of her daughter's life since then sometimes visiting twice a week, other times not seeing her daughter for multiple months, doesn't even call her to talk.  She always blames the father and that she doesn't get along with his new girlfriend.  They live within walking distance of us and we have 2 extra bedrooms so she could easily just ask for her daughter to spend a night or 2 but never does.  Makes me sad because the child loses out the most.

I am not that type of person she seems to think and truly don't even want to break up my family, but I have to think about what is best for my son. While I hate to go through the court systems over it, seems to be the only way any sort of concrete agreement will be reached.

I was on these forums years ago, seems somehow I am attracted to BPDs as 2 of my last 3 relationships have been with them.  I learned a lot here before, learned a lot from the Stop Walking On Eggshells book and workbook, and it has been very much easier this relationship until this current situation.

[Turkish]

Since you last read here,  the site has been retooled a bit.  Maybe you can learn something more from the lessons to the right of the board. 

She claims that myself, and our son Jotun, are everything to her.  She was a little upset by this, cried, and started the whole self pitty party of how by me saying this that I was calling her a bad mother, a horrible person, and that I was a bad person for using her son as a weapon against her because she "knew" that I would never let her visit him or be part of his life.

No fight,  only waifish behavior  ("life's too hard,  rescue me".  She abandoned her other child. Logically, a parent would fight for no less than joint custody,  yet this seems like she's giving up,  perhaps as she did before. 

You will do what you have to do for your son and yourself.  If it comes to that point,  then post to the Legal Board. You are,  however,  posting to Saving, and you are indicating that you want to save your family unit as it is.  Given her bi-polar and depression,  she has a lot to struggle with.  If she has BPD traits as you say,  then telling her that most likely triggers shame.  As my ex told me,  "I feel like you're throwing my sickness in my face."

From my view,  I was encouraging her to get help.  She saw it differently.  I was attacking her,  emotionally,  a person who intrinsically dealt with uncontrollable emotions,  as pwBPD do. 

If you want to save this,  can you step back from trying to fix her,  and work on improving your side of the interaction with the communication tools here? It would help calm the interactions.  Even if it turns out that you need to seperate, the tools can help you navigate that road with less conflict.

How is your boy taking all of this?

T

[ItsMole]

Thank you for all the info Turkish. Yes, I post here because I DO want to save our relationship. I'm in counseling myself with a CBT/DBT specialist who helps a lot with lessons on not escalating problems, different communication techniques, etc.  But as we know, pwBPD while share common traits all seem to react similar but in different ways.  She has no issues with myself recommending she get help, even offering to go to couples therapy or set up the appointments with her.

Her major issue is the attention seeking and idealization/devaluation process. I have set boundaries for her as far as what an appropriate friendship is because she refuses to have female friends - they simply can't provide the attention and approval that males do.  I have pointed out to her that she is unable to maintain a friendship with any male without it becoming inappropriate, yet this is a boundary she still insists on pushing.  Anytime she makes a male friend, due to my hectic work schedule, they end up texting and talking all day, the guy takes it the wrong way due to her attention seeking and almost flirty behavior and becomes attached to her thinking she wants more than friendship, or she meets trashy guys who just want to get in her pants by giving her attention that she seems.

Luckily my son is only 20 months old, so he is still young enough to not quite understand what is going on.  But at the same time, you can tell that he knows something is wrong and that mom doesn't play with him and do things with him like dad does.  He behaves totally differently for me than he does her.  He respects me and listens to me, but when she yells at him he doesn't care and just cries if she disciplines him.  I know she puts him in front of the TV while she's on the phone alone with him while I take him to the park, play ball or blocks, take him outside to play and work on new words and actions with him.

If she and I are both home, he is the opposite of most boys his age... .most of my friends with similar age boys are mommy's boys and prefer mom to dad.  My son doesn't even like to be left in the room with her if I need to use the bathroom or make dinner... .he just throws a tantrum screaming for me and wants to be with me the whole time.  I have even heard her tell our own 20 month old son "thanks for making me feel like crap because I'm not good enough" when he was crying to get to me.