Suspected high functioning BPD wife - examples, is it BPD and how to cope

[Zenpadwan]

Hi, can't believe I've survived so long but over the last 2 years the rages have reduced from several times daily to weekly but the detached/protector mode she goes into is largely 24/7.

Guess its familiar, 3 years courtship which was awesome no signs other than tetchy a few days before her cycle, married 2 years ago and very quickly got pregnant as planned albeit sooner than expected... like first 2 months! Then it started almost within a week of pregnancy, the rules, the lists, the insane screaming and face reddening teeth clenching shuddering rage that I never saw before over the most ridiculous things. I put it down to preg hormones etc but it has never changed. I couldn't do anything right and I mean anything... washing a cup out! Still can't.

Rage topics - agreeing to empty dishwasher in morning before work, accidently leaving a spoon in it twice over a week = 40 mins of rage 7.10am. Why do you do this to me, you said you would and you have chosen not to because you cant be bothered to check or help me or save your marriage, it's disgusting how you treat me and I have to come to accept that I am on my own because you don't want to help, why do you hate me, if you really cared and loved me as you say you do why can't you do a simple thing like this, what kind of man does this to his wife, all the things I do for you (still wondering myself) and this is how you return it, go on clear off out of the house I'm sick of being treated like this, I don't want you to do anything for me again as you clearly have absolutely no respect for me and I won't tolerate it.

Closing curtains... .too early, too late, forgot, not straight pleats = rage... .as above

Agreeing to be home at 6pm for example, arrive at 5.45 = rage as above, arrive 6.05 = rage... as above. I've ended up parked round the corner early so I arrive on time, ridiculous.

How I have said something ie tone, the words I use ie ' I need to go to the bank today, is now a good time or shall I go later'? perfectly straightforward statement and considered question is instantly followed by rage that I am demanding a change in her day to suit myself, I am bullying her and taking no thought of her. That I treat her like a piece of ___ on my shoe etc and so forth.

Not feeding baby as instructed, not washing bottles as instructed, not parking car in drive way as instructed, not taking her out on a date as instructed, not communicating effectively with her as instructed... .in fact just about anything and everything that I do or say or not say, activates her. this is 24/7 every minute of the day back then and to a lesser degree today, but more a down, strung out depressed disengaged person now likely to blow at any moment.

This is only the very start of the iceberg. I got very stressed and then depressed which made things worse as my cognitive function dropped off. Gladly broken through that with therapy as I was taking things very personally and have active methods of self regulation and therapy to hold my centre grounding.

Anyway I have read a lot about what could be going on here as its clearly to me disordered thinking. I initially though it was OCPD because of the lists and strict time scales and planning but have since seen clear patterns which might indicate BPD.

Mainly the fact that she truly believes that I do all the things that rise her on purpose... .as I have agreed to do or she has asked specifically for stuff doing and if it doesn't come through for what ever reason, I must have done it on purpose, that if there is a change of plan to tell her which in principle I do for important things, but if I say I'll cut the grass today and its not done to a set time in her head, I should have told her I can't do in morning I'll do it later type of small stuff and as a result rage... .I must hate her, that I treat her (hear it everyday) like a piece of ___ on my shoe, utterly disrespectful, wouldn't treat an enemy like this, that I control her, bully her into complying, I am determined to force her to accept my bad behaviour and she wont tolerate it and take the kids and leave or she'll throw her self under a bus because of all the abuse from me. Threats of divorce every week. It seems that if there is any over lap of my day to day living that involves her in any minute small way she needs to know every little detail and communicated to her in advance.

So life is as coined walking on eggshells. She is completely detached/protector mode currently or as she describes it a wall she builds up to protect her from all the hurt I cause her. Total avoidance albeit basic short sentences. Reading through this site I realise that trying to calmly discuss relationship or emotive issues just goes wrong within literally 4 seconds of her responding, I hear her voice go up in pitch and the tension rises and then the unrelated issues from the past start flowing and if I continue to try and explain or engage the one sided rant can go on for a hour.

Validating and reflecting back what she has said, though seems contrived and hard to pick out the emotion, as I read here really does help in reducing duration and intensity, but is this it for me? No conversation ever more, just normal day to day chit chat? Is this my life, keeping myself to myself with only the briefest of interactions and constant validation and apologising, is the wife I love coming back in anyway? If this is the traits experienced by people here have you found there can be a return to base line of sorts with effort on the validation front from me and exhaustingly watching my steps? Or is she more post natal depressed?

Is it best just to carry on with my life and interests when in the silent treatment which used to hurt me but now realise this is more an emotional defence/control thing for her rather than entirely directed at me to hurt me and to be fair I appreciate the peace. If I love her from a distance like this, does this trigger off rejection have people found? How do you guys do that and still relate your still here and committed?

I'm in a better stronger place personally and willing to work at this, but there is a limit. If there was no child involved I would have cut my losses but I do care and love her deeply. I wouldn't like someone to walk out on me because I was physically or mentally ill.

Love to hear any advice, keep up the good work.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dragon72]

"is this it for me? No conversation ever more, just normal day to day chit chat? Is this my life, keeping myself to myself with only the briefest of interactions and constant validation and apologising, is the wife I love coming back in anyway? If this is the traits experienced by people here have you found there can be a return to base line of sorts with effort on the validation front from me and exhaustingly watching my steps?"

Sorry to hear what you're having to endure, Zenpadwan.  It resonated very loudly with me.  I'm beginning to stand my ground more and refuse to show remorse for my (in her eyes) "failings".  I'm essentially trying to live a healthier life by not reacting to tantrums that are designed to infringe my boundaries and enslave me to her needs.  Has it made things better between us? Hell no.  Has it reduced the rages? If anything it has increased them.  So what's the point? I'm feeling a bit more self-respect and occasionally get what I want. Which is a massive improvement.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome Zen,

You've found a great place to get emotional support and learn new tools. Living with someone with BPD is a roller coaster ride. I strongly believe that by improving communication, things will at least improve a little in your relationship. One of the things that I had to learn was that I was also a part of the issues in my marriage. I would say or do things that would trigger my H. I can't change how he responds to it, but I can change how I respond to him.

It sounds to me like there may be some boundary issues going on. Your forget to do something or don't do it the way she likes, she rages, and you listen. What if instead of listening to her rage at you, you calmly said, "I don't like to be yelled at. I am going to take a walk (or a drive or whatever you need to do to leave the house) and I'll be back after things calm down." Then leave. Don't continue to argue. Don't continue to engage. If she texts you, don't respond until you know that she has calmed down. She can continue to yell all she wants but if you do this consistently, the rage may decrease because she has no one to rage at.

One important thing that many people get confused with boundaries is that us nons think it means we put a limit on the other persons behavior. We don't. We don't tell our pwBPD "You can't do this or that." They can continue to do whatever they are doing all day long if they want. The boundary is when we say, "I don't want to tolerate X happening" and then removing ourself from whatever X is. It's setting a boundary on what we will or will not put up with not on what the other person is doing.

[Zenpadwan]

Hi guys
Thanks for the input. Setting boundarys is really difficult when she is in a rant. I try to turn away or look away which is picked up and she will then bring another issue into the rant which I stop and think what she is saying and I fall into JADE like ' I didn't say that... .didn't mean it that way' or what ever and before I know it I am a rabbit in the headlights with several things all spinning round in my head while she keeps on going. So I am aware early that things are heading that way and make an attempt to disingage but get pulled in when she senses this. I will be more resolute to stop this, maybe say something like 'debates like this aren't good for either of us, we'll talk about it later' which seems a polite way to disengage rather than turning my back and walking off saying I' can't do this or similar which will anagonise.

Its really hard. Thanks

[joshbjoshb]

Hi Zen! I am a person of faith, so I wonder if G-d had my wife rage today so I can see your post and reply

Look, I read your post, I felt your hurt and really saw myself in your words. Except that was myself few years ago. I am in a much better place - don't get me wrong, she isn't healthy, she doesn't even recognize she has something (I stopped trying to teach her that), and rages are still happening - but I am better, and I believe my family is better as well due to the work I did on myself.

I read your post and I see fear. I see you are scared to set boundaries. I also read your post and suspect that you are also wanting her to love you, really wanted to please her so she should be happy.

For me, I realized - after a long, painful process - that I was a co-dependent. And until I didn't let go of that trait and started feeling empowered, I couldn't set boundaries or even be happy.

You see, it's rather simple. A co-dependent blames their lack of happiness on someone else. Your wife does that all the time, but I am afraid you are also doing it.

You can, and must, be happy REGARDLESS of how your wife feels. Your happiness should never be dependent on what she says or not (it's good advice even for those with healthy spouses), and yes, you can do it.

Start with thinking about yourself. What makes you happy? You have the right to pursuit it. If going to the gym does it to you and she rages that you go, that's okay. You can communicate with her gently, without getting angry, that you need to do it and you ARE doing it.

What makes you sad? You have the right to avoid it. If being yelled at makes you sad, you have the right to say "I am going outside for a walk".

Really spend some time thinking about yourself, not about her. Because you are the only one who can bring happiness to your life.

Good luck!