Where do I go from here?

[Motorman]

Hello all

Just felt I needed the advise of people who have been through this before, I have been talking to friends and family but not sure if they really get the full picture.

My wife and I met 9 years ago and started an intense relationship, from the beginning I noticed little red flags, but I loved her so ignored them.
The relationship came to an end after 3 years when I called it off, then stupidly I made her pregnant on the same drunken emotional night.


We contemplated about getting an abortion, but at the end of the day my wife decided to keep the baby, I honored my responsibility and decided to give it a chance.This is one decision I will never regret as I have a beautiful girl who is everything to me.
We are both from different countries and my job means I need to travel a fair bit. She spent 6 of those months alone with her family, with me only visiting shortly which I am sure was not easy. Do to the fact that I was not there and she has a turbulent relationship with her family.

I managed to find a job where we could be together and only involved me going away 6 weeks every year.
We moved to Spain which away from her parents but still in Europe. From the time she was pregnant she pushed me away sexually, I was patient as she was pregnant.

All during this we had huge fights that where completely emotionally draining and sometimes she turned physical. There where often threats of her walking out, which made me put up with her behavior.
I slowly started just to let her have her way on everything as it was never worth the argument.

This carried on for years with her cutting me off sexually, we would try some times after a fight where I explained I needed physical connection, she said I was not open to her emotionally so that is why we couldn't have sex.Whilst trying I was not allowed to kiss her on the mouth or breasts or perform oral sex. She complained she was blocked from the pregnancy and it hurt.

This carried on for 6 years with me just sleep walking through life, when coming home from work I was never sure what to expect, she was always tired and had a bad day, and had an excuses as the why the cleaning,cooking ect was not done. I knew better than to mention anything.

All this time she was going through a spiritual awakening, she went to many retreats healers ect. I noticed this helped a bit with her level of anger during fights. Though she was not happy that I was not growing with her.

Fast forward to last friday night she comes into my room and makes love to me like it was 6 years ago.We fell asleep in each others arms.

The next morning she says that a guy who was staying with us, whom helped her around the house as this was too much for her, Might give me a call but I was not to pick up. I asked if it was bad news and she said no it was possitive news for us. On the drive to work I called her and asked if she had been cheating, she confessed.

It came out over the next couple of days that she had a six month affair with a much older so called spiritual guy, they practised Tantra , and she was thinking the whole time how she could bring this into our relationship and how it opened her heart. We actually took over the guys house and she thought it a good idea he stayed with us, apparently it was over so she doesn't see a problem with that. She also had a fall out with this guy whilst he was staying with us  not feeling safe in the house, thinking he would come and harm her.

I did not know about the affair for a year after it had ended. All the while her lecturing me on the importance of trust.We tried Tantra during this period but she still shut me off as she said she couldn't open up to me.

I also found out that she had a 1 night stand a couple of months ago, which she says helped her to realize that sex is important in a marriage and once again it was a thing that would help us. She says she was going to tell me once the flame between us was rekindled.She denies that the only reason she sleep with me is because she thought the guy whom she had a fight was going to tell me about the affair.This has all become about her and how she was feeling lonely. She sees the affairs as a positive thing for our relationship.

The guy who she had the fight with who was staying with us, I now also found out he wanted to practice tanta with her, I have seen from the messages she didn't directly turn him down.There fight has now turned into death threats from him and the police are involved. I can't believe I was so weak to let these ___ ups into my house with my little girl.This drama is now what she is focused on as it is all about this other physco its all his fault otherwise there would have been a chance between us.

Now the positives, this would have carried on for years if I hadn't have found out and I am getting out. I realize I need help myself and I am going to get it as I have passive aggressive tendencies from unresolved childhood trauma.I realize for the good of my own health and my daughters I need to get out. For years I stuck around for my daughter but now realize her growing up seeing such a toxic relationship, will do her no good in the future.I am trying to get help for my wife but she doesn't see herself as having a problem.

Right now I need to heal myself and Focus everything on my daughter.

I am broken but determined to put the pieces back together.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Motorman and welcome!  Wow, that is a lot to go through.  Glad you found this forum.  Congratulations on working on healing yourself.  The only person you can change is yourself. 

There are a lot of helpful resources on this site.  There are links to lessons that help with communication, self care, and much more.  There are also book recommendations that are extremely helpful.

Wishing you well on your healing journey .

[Motorman]

Thanks Mustbeabetterway.

I think I under estimated the delusions of my wife, as she has now confided in some other stranger who is now staying at my house whilst I am away, to protect her from some other stranger that stayed at our house, seriously you could not make this ___ up. I tried to get her family to come and take them away whilst I am away but she refuses. I have at least got her to stay at a friends house from tomorrow. She is also wanting for me to pay for ome Tantra retreat for her for a week, I am really struggling to say no. Her and my parents are telling me to put my foot down and just say no.

I really just need to disconnect from this person and get my head together.