feeling sad about male spouse with BPD

[lovetoread]

I have been married for 10 years to a man 22 years my senior. He is in his 70's now and has BPD. I have tried numerous times to set boundaries but it escalates his behavior. My sense of self has suffered and my health too. As he ages, his mood swings and rages have diminished. ( Thank God)  Also, he found Jesus and that seems to keep him somehow regulated better. I work in the church so his new found faith has helped us quite a bit.
Question: My relationship lacks 80% of what I need. I spend most of my time adjusting my behavior to avoid outbursts from him. I spend a LOT of energy on keeping him regulated and keeping him stable. I spend just as much time affirming him. ( at nauseam... .not trying to be rude but it really is excessive affirmation)  There is no intimacy between us; he is almost like my child or a partner in ministry sometimes. Occasionally I see something more, something romantic, and I admit I cling to it. Any thoughts or advice? Feeling... .alone.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wendydarling]

Hi lovetoread 

I've just noticed your post, I'm sorry for late response.

I can understand how you feel spending time and energy focused on your BPDH, 80% of your relationship needs are not being met, that's a lot and a lonely place. It's also exhausting. Another way of looking at it your H is getting 100% of his needs met by you, firstly I'd look further at what's important to you in your life, not totally focusing on the relationship may be helpful, start with looking after you.

Others may have thoughts and advice 

WDx

[once removed]

hi lovetoread,

I have tried numerous times to set boundaries but it escalates his behavior.

it may seem counterintuitive, but this is often how it goes, and i would suggest that him escalating his behavior should not necessarily be taken as a signal to back off. can you tell us a bit more about what boundaries you are trying to set?

conversely, a relationship with someone with BPD requires strong boundaries, but someone with BPD may be inclined to bust your boundaries, especially when we try to set new ones.

have you heard of extinction bursts? this may explain his escalation when you try to set boundaries:

BPD Behaviors: Extinction Burst and Intermittent Reinforcement?
What does extinction burst mean and why should I care about this stuff?  Because when you try to implement boundaries you will most likely see an increase in bad behavior because the BPD sufferer isn't getting the response they expect. They become confused and frustrated. You've changed the rules by not giving your typical response. They will increase their bad behavior to try to get the response they are used to.   If we are prepared going in ahead of time... .see how:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

[heartandwhole]

Hi lovetoread,



I'd like to join  wendydarling and  once removed in welcoming you. I can understand your feelings of exhaustion from so much validating, and the walking on eggshells. That is common in these kinds of relationships. Fortunately, there are tools and skills that can help make things better. There really is hope for things to get better in your relationship. 

You are expending a lot of energy regulating your husband's emotions. How do you take care of yourself, lovetoread? Do you have supportive friends and family who know what you are going through.

Keep posting. It really helps. We're here for you.

heartandwhole