I'm no expert at boundaries (still an apprentice) but here's what I'm working on.
Boundaries define what I will and won't accept in terms of behavior.
Consequences define what will happen when boundaries are crossed. The best consequences (in my opinion) are natural consequences because otherwise they can feel like punishments. At least that's the big issue I have with my BPDh. He feels "punished" and holds things against me and says that my lack of forgiveness is the root of all our problems.
So here's an example of a difference between natural and created consequences. BPDh leaves rotting apples on counter-top. Besides having to live with rotting apples, fruit flies start to become a problem. The fruit flies (and the any activities related to getting rid of them) are consequences. A created consequence would be me refusing to prepare meals in a kitchen with rotting apples and fruit flies. See the difference? Both are valid consequences, but one can be "pinned on" me.
Are there any natural consequences you can leverage here so that she is less likely to feel punished?
One other thing I'm learning is that communicating what your boundaries and consequences are is optional, but enforcing them consistently is not.
Make sure that whatever consequences you come up with are things you can live with enforcing.
