mediation experiences

[byfaith]

Getting ready for mediation. Meeting with my lawyer next week to prepare for mediation for the last week of June.
My wife and I have had to live in the same house during the divorce. It has had it's tense moments had to let her know last Friday night if she didn't back off I was going to call the police. All my wife does basically is sit in a recliner 95% of her waking hours. In my mind it so sad. I don't know if the true reality that she is going to be on her own is sinking into her head yet. She is being decent to me for the most part. I just keep myself detached as much as possible.

I just wonder what it may be like in the days leading up to mediation and during the session. I have asked my lawyer if we can be in separate rooms and I think that is what they will do.

It is strange even after all the crap I have gone through with this person I still feel a sense of sadness. It come in small waves now and again. I think the sadness just comes from the thought of what could have been? I am not going to dwell on it. There is part of me that still loves her and always will. It is not a love that could sustain an abusive marriage though.

Anyone wants to share any of their experiences? 

[ForeverDad]

We were ordered to 3 mediation attempts.  We had only one.  It failed on parenting time.  Previously she wanted me to be limited to supervised visitation only.  Court didn't buy that, assigned me the 'standard dad' alternate weekends in the temp orders.  At mediation she wanted me limited to that but I said it had to be at least equal time.  It was a two year divorce with me as alternate weekend dad the entire time but that's what eventually happened, we settled just before the Trial for equal time.  (I now have full custody and majority time most of the year.)

Do you have minor children?  That's a huge roadblock for mediation.  The 3 main hurdles are parenting, marital asset/debt split and whether there is any post-marriage support.  All cases have their own differences, issues and level of dysfunction, which do you expect to apply for your case?

Always remember, mediation is an ATTEMPT to settle.  You don't have to walk in feeling you HAVE to settle.  Most of us faced entitled, controlling spouses.  Usually early in the case they haven't faced the reality that court is The Real Authority.  Most of us, believe it or not, did reach some level of settlement but much later in our cases, usually just before a major hearing or the trial.  Weigh the cost vs benefit ratio.  If it is unreasonable then you can always state, "Sorry, I've tried but I don't see us reaching an agreement.  Rather than continue with time and money spent here, I think it's time to let the court decide."  Yes, courts often defer more to women and mothers rather than to men, but at least it probably won't be unreasonably so.  As I often write, Court is usually less unfair than the Ex is.

[byfaith]

Hi FD,

Thanks,
There are no minor children. We have been married 5 1/2 years. The good part, my lawyer told me that the mediator we are using has never failed to reach a settlement. He also told me that the communications he has had with my wife's lawyer that her lawyer seems to want to get this thing done.

The biggest issue will be the house, which in my case I am willing to move on from. I am not offering that up front in the session but when it boils down to it I am willing to sell and split the equity. Her name is on the deed also so that is what will probably happen. From the way my lawyer talks is if this WOULD end up going to court that the judge here would not grant her any alimony.

Bottom line she is lazy and will not work. Her son has a disability which is not bad enough to where she has to be with him 24/7, she just uses it as an excuse not to work and her being depressed.

Thanks
BF

[RedPill]

Hi ByFaith, I wish you luck in your upcoming mediation. I am in the second month after the divorce summons and we are also living in the same house. It can be stressful but we try to keep out of each other's way. We have a teenager.

Be careful as mediation approaches. My pwBPD goes from 1-10 under stress. Keep your distance and don't engage.

Since we are held back from detaching due to proximity it is not strange that you still feel sadness; I do too, although I have also begun to feel the freedom and light that a future without her weighing me down will bring. I'm working on recognizing the emotion when it comes, thinking about why I may be feeling that way, and then gently focusing on something else as a way of letting it go. I am feeling better day by day.

I am, however, coping with a lot of fear of the upcoming divorce proceedings. She has said she wanted to mediate, but then again she said a lot of things and then acted differently. I'm trying to work through the fear by getting as prepared as possible.

Please let us know how your mediation works out; what worked, what didn't work, and what's next. I could use the information!
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RP

[ForeverDad]

Has there been a real estate appraisal recently?  If that would be acceptable for determining equity (appraisal minus the mortgage balance) then one option would be to pay her up to half of the difference.  That would avoid selling costs and if you paid her a portion of equity then you could keep the house.  However, she would have to move well before the closing and preferable before the listing too.  You don't want her to stage an extended sit-in.

How to make sure she doesn't delay or sabotage a sale?  Make sure the settlement includes price-of-obstruction clauses.  If she obstructs any step of the preparing, listing or sale, then she is penalized by a reduction of the funds she would otherwise get.  Call it incentive, leverage, whatever.  Even messed up pwBPD generally know what $$$ mean.  If you don't have penalty clauses then there won't be much leverage to get her to vacate or sign the required papers.  Make sure you hold back in escrow some of the money she expects so that she has incentive (or you have leverage) for her to comply.

Some say there is a real estate bubble, more in some areas than others.  It's entirely possible that the house might be worth less on the market a year from now.  You don't want extended delays.

[david]

We had to sell our house because ex would not agree to anything. The money sat in escrow for two years before she was willing to settle. It was more like she couldn't stand letting that money sit there anymore. The settlement went in my favor because ex lied so much and I was able to expose the lies as lies. Her attorney got her to "settle" with everything I was proposing. She received more than she would have if we went to court but we would have been married for at least ten more months and the difference was worth getting things done faster.

[RedPill]

Any update on your mediation, byfaith? Hope it's going well.
-
RP

[byfaith]

Hey RP,

The dukie has hit the fan. Mediation was cancelled. Let the games begin. It's amazing what lazy people will do to get something they do not deserve. My lawyer told me yesterday that this is the strangest divorce case he has ever worked on.

We are both in the house. This could go on until early next year if we cannot come an agreement. I may try to get back on here later and give some more details.

what I can say is this, I know what part of my fear was in finally telling her to proceed with the divorce ( she had filed on jan 31 and service did not begin until april 28 long story)... .exactly what I am going through now. I wasn't sure what form it was going to come in but it's here and I have to find a way to deal with the long process of ridding myself of this woman. 

[byfaith]

We had to sell our house because ex would not agree to anything. The money sat in escrow for two years before she was willing to settle. It was more like she couldn't stand letting that money sit there anymore. The settlement went in my favor because ex lied so much and I was able to expose the lies as lies. Her attorney got her to "settle" with everything I was proposing. She received more than she would have if we went to court but we would have been married for at least ten more months and the difference was worth getting things done faster.

this may be what happens in my situation.

[RedPill]

Hang in there, byfaith. I know how tense co-habitation can be. If it's legal in your state, get yourself a little digital audio recorder and start taping. It may help you against a fictional abuse or violence claim. Let us know how it goes.
-
RP

[formflier]

Standing by for more details.

Likely time for you L and you to think about ways you can apply legal pressure to move forward... quickly.  Settlements generally happen with pwBPD... .literally... .on the courthouse steps. 

It is likely that the sooner you can force her into a "trial type" setting... .or other pressure situation... ."something" will happen.

Until then... .expect obstruction... .and attempt to keep status quo.

Is your room locked?

FF

[david]

I was accused of assault by my ex. Prior to that she filed three separate protection orders against me. I finally purchased a small audio recorder and a video recorder. I let her know the first time I picked the boys up. She brought it up in court several times. It is illegal in my state. I get yelled at by the judge and nothing more. Also, I have never been accused of anything since I purchased those devices. That was in 2010. If I had the devices when she accused me of assault I could have produced them to the police and everything would have ended there. I couldn't use them in court but if it keeps me from going to court then I am okay with that.
The 4th or 5th time I got yelled at in court my attorney told me to stop what I was doing. I actually asked a judge how could I protect myself from false allegations without them. He yelled some more at me. I then asked my attorney if I was allowed to record myself. There is no law against that. It may be peculiar but if I can produce a timed and dated recording of me doing nothing wrong my attorney said that is arguable in court.

[takingandsending]

Hi byfaith.

I am sorry but not surprised that mediation didn't work. My STBxw and I are still in process of collaborative/mediation, and it's not going too well. But I am out of the house, which has made staying with the process tolerable. We have children, so principal sticking point is custody right now. I imagine it will move to division of property in time, but my xw has (for the moment) seemed to accept that we will need to sell the house and have some form of dividing equity. Initially, that was not so - she thought she would keep the house (not realizing that having 9k annual income meant no bank would give her a loan).

While I was cohabiting our home before I moved out, it was pretty awful and yet I was also filled with remorse and grief. Is there anyway that you can afford a separate place? I basically had to split my paycheck in half and reached agreement with xw that this was all she was getting and up to her to supplement as needed, but I have a place to live outside of the daily conflict. Since that separation, I have been able to gain more perspective, see just how unhealthy our relationship was and am generally happier and more peaceful. I didn't think it was possible in my case to support two homes on one check, but with very clear definitive boundaries set out in our mediation sessions, I have been able to do it.

My name is still on the mortgage, and I am worried about having my credit destroyed by late payments, but my xw actually is fairly responsible in getting things paid and doesn't want to destroy her own credit rating. If your wife is incapable of managing that, perhaps you could deposit funds directly to bank for mortgage and then provide her with remainder of her half, while you take your half to manage a new home? My L and others honestly did not see how we could continue to cohabit while proceeding with the divorce. It is ultimately not an easy or likely thing for even healthy people, let alone two people in a severely dysfunctional relationship.

[byfaith]

Thanks for the feedback,

Just found out today that both attorneys finally agreed on a mediator and it is scheduled for sept (friggin) 19th. I had to take a deep breath. My wife sent me a text last evening that read:
I just sent an email to my lawyer asking why the interrogatory document is really that important. Then I stated that I would just like to find a mediator and keep this simple. end of text

I just know that her lawyer lied as to why the mediation was cancelled june 28th, my wife acted like she knew nothing about why it was cancelled other than a scheduling conflict with her lawyer.

The mediation date is what it is at this point.

FF no I have not locked the door yet... .that part has calmed down. The worst part for me is getting pushback over finances, she doesn't work and will not even try to get any type of work. You know the situation with the son. That is better since I have been detached from her and try not to get involved with their interactions.

anyway my mind needs a break from this. going to visit my daughter and grandson for a few days and maybe go to the beach. The good thing is my wife and I are not fighting right now and she "seems" to be making attempts to be nice so that is good. Sept 19 seems like a long way off right now

BF

 

[david]

XBPDw and I had a house together. Ex wanted a ridiculous amount to buy her out. I went to the bank that held the note and told them what was going on and that we were selling the house in about 6 months. I also said I would not be paying the mortgage anymore and they could figure all that out at settlement since we had a decent amount of equity. The bank asked me to try to negotiate with ex instead of stopping payments. I came back a few days later and told them she refused. I gave them her cell number and asked them to call. I believe they did and understood my situation. It took almost a year to sell the house because of ex's roadblocks. I had no downgrade in my credit score. It was a smaller bank and I had done business with them before. I don't think a big bank would have been as understanding.