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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Exhausted by co-parent with BPD  (Read 360 times)
OceanT
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1


« on: June 16, 2017, 03:37:28 PM »

Greetings,
Not my significant other- we broke up before our child was born- but we "co-parent'. I am feeling super frustrated and exhausted. Have been dealing with this person for BPD person with NPD tendencies for 7 years. I have been in therapy myself for a little over a year and while some of the strategies my therapist has suggested have helped me take his angry outbursts less personally. However,  I am still feeling really tired of having to deal with this person. Extremely exhausted with the chaos he brings to my life but really sad about the impact on our child. And the way he wreaks havoc with relationships we need to have- ie school teachers and staff, health care professionals (our child has a serious medical condition and physical disability).

This morning's tirade was over the fact that I put two diapers in the school supply bin. He was bringing more (as more than 2 are required). But he was enraged over something so insignificant.This turned into a tirade of texts calling me a liar and all kinds of things. I am just so over it.

What coping strategies have you found helpful? While I know figuring out support for myself is helpful- I really long for this person to get the support they so desperately need- anyone have success stories on that? Do folks with BPD ever get tired  of the roller coaster of emotions and broken relationships, job losses, housing instability etc? Is there any reason for me to hope that this person in their mid 40's might seek support and find healing?

Thanks,
Harriet
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purple01

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2017, 07:05:41 PM »

Hi Harriet, I don't believe BPD people will seek help because they don't see anything wrong with their behavior. They believe that every one else is the problem and blame others for where they are in life. I think once they find another person to control and manipulate, they will focus on them and gradually their abuse will subside.
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nvrdull10
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced since 2011, trying to reconcile
Posts: 118



« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2017, 10:49:31 PM »

So I've come to a realization while coparenting my son with my exBPD spouse - the less I point out "flaws" in his thought processes (for lack of a better term) and the more I'm able to allow things to come to their logical conclusions, the easier it is to tolerate things and the better things are for our child. It's hard sometimes - really hard - when I know his circular logic is not going to end well, to keep my mouth shut and just let it play out, but when I can do that, it goes much more smoothly. I have to make a conscious effort to let go of the neeed to be the one who is right, though, in order to make it work. And I get sick of it. A lot. There are times it makes me really angry that I can't tell him exactly how ridiculous he's acting. Here's a recent example:
My son broke his clavicle last week doing a silly super man like stunt off his bed. (My daughter and I are temporarily living with my ex and son due to some health and financial issues I had earlier this year but that is a whole other post, haha). Anyway, we are not back together and stay in separate bedrooms. My son let out a terrifying scream at 930 at night and we both ran in to find him on the floor. It was obvious that there was a serious injury. My exBPDh began yelling at the child to lay back down, while I was trying to assess the injury. (I am a nurse, btw, but it wouldn't have taken a nurse to tell he was hurt). I finally convinced him that we needed to take him to the ER. He first tried to make me take him alone, to which I replied there wasn't even a chance of that happening and he was coming. I, of course, got the third degree about why he was getting out of bed and got blamed for it because I was the one who put him to bed. He then decided he was going to look at the X-ray himself and determined that it was fractured and dislocated and would require surgery. (He is not a doctor, in case you were wondering). The ER doctor came in and said put it in a sling and go home. Nothing to do about a clavicle fracture. Go see the ortho in 5-7 days. exBPDh then gave him the third degree about surgery. Needless to say we went home with the sling and no surgery. At that point I also got yelled at about the $500 copay we had to give the ER. I guess since there was no surgery done he thought it was a waste of money to even go to the ER.

Next morning I get up to call ortho doctor that had been given to us as a referral. exBPDh informs me that he has already called "the best ortho in the city" ad made appointment. Says he knows he going to need surgery so he wants him with the best. Ok that's fine, I say, but I'm pretty sure he won't need surgery. Kids bones are crazy flexible and they heal super fast. He completely flipped out on me - telling me that he will make that decision and if I don't get on board he will just "cut me out of the whole thing." Totally unnecessary and ridiculous.

Fast forward a week to ortho appt: the sling has to stay on 4 more weeks and then they will X-ray. Seems to be healing fine. And no dislocation - he was seeing the joint space on the X-ray. LOL. I wanted SO badly to say I told you so but I refrained. It came to its own natural conclusion and I didn't have to work myself up over it.

But it's hard and I don't always succeed at that. It really sucks sometimes to have to be the rational one when all I want to do is completely lose it. But it's what is best for the kids so I keep on trying.
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