Can I Talk About MY Depression Here?

[WhatJustHappened?]

Hi there-

I've always found this site useful for the BPD issues that I have experienced with my exBPDgf. With this, can I talk about my recent bout of depression here or is that off-topic?

WJH

[heartandwhole]

Hi WJH,

This is a great place to talk about your recent bout of depression.   

I look forward to reading your post.

heartandwhole

[WhatJustHappened?]

Thanks for allowing me to discuss how I am feeling. This is going to be depressing LOL

I've always have dealt with depression and anxiety - it seems to keep recycling in one form or another. It also runs in the family.

I would say that the past 3 weeks, I have slid backwards. The Lexapro that I take is not working as it once did. I have placed a message with my doctor to see if we can increase the dose. I am at 10mg 1x daily.

Drugs help greatly but I know it can't do it all.

I am really struggling to keep the distorted thinking in check. In addition:

1.) I have lost interest in many things that once made me happy
2.) I feel like my life has no meaning and that I have accomplished nothing
3.) I am angry at the world for my current employment/financial state
4.) I see the worst in people and the world and feel that I do not belong on this planet
5.) I feel like a loser

I'm trying not to write a book here but if I could sum it up, this is how it looks.

1.) I am in my late 40s, divorced with no children, moved back from Colorado to California to be closer to my aging family. Looking back on it, I would not have made the same decision. We have a family business which I was in for many years but recently learned that I do not like the industry. I have gone back to job hunting which is difficult for older guys like me.
2.) I feel like I was sold a bag of goods on the financial state of the family business. I should have known better. Regardless, it's not something I want to do right now.
3.) I am living with my parents which sucks and is pathetic for a guy my age.
4.) I have taken up driving for Uber/Lyft to pay the bills - this is a guy who has a bachelors and masters degree. Have taken on some debt while I am figuring everything out.
5.) I have a GF here which I care about but quite frankly, I am questioning if I want to stick with it. I am not that excited about her as much as I once was. Could be the depression. She would leave with me but she likes California so there's another dilemma.
6.) I HATE California. You are either wealthy or poor in this State and I want to leave.
7.) Job hunting in your late 40s in just pathetic. Employers are rude and seem to really hate older workers. To add insult to injury, I have always had issues with panic attacks during job interviews.
8.) I am procrastinating on dealing with stuff and getting things done.

I am at the point of where I am just ready to give up, find some crappy, low-level job in another State, leave and flip everyone here the finger. I feel like I am living a lie and living my life for others and not myself.

Obviously you can see the distorted thinking in action. I really believe that I have some valid points but things are blown out of proportion.

Lastly, don't be broke when you need healthcare. I faxed my old psychiatrist that I could use some help but can't afford to self-pay all in one chunk. Get a call back saying they would be glad to book an appointment for me so long as I pre-pay at $80 for 15 minutes, $100 and up for anything longer. I have crappy Obamacare insurance with terrible benefits. "You should have bought a better plan". Really? You think? If I could AFFORD a better plan, I would have.

Thank you for reading. I can really see how people go off the deep end and afterwords, people wonder how they slipped through the cracks and nothing was done to help them.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Whatjusthappened,

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time of things.  Given your circumstances right now, it's understandable to be feeling low.  I hope that an increase/change in your medication can quickly make a difference for you as an interim measure.  You mention that the medication is not all that's needed.  Apart from your psychiatrist, have you had any type of talking therapy in the past?  I am also wondering if any of the online self help stuff might give you an initial boost and set you on track a little.  Have you tried Moodgym out?  That's free online CBT and there are others, I'm sure.

I must commend you on your clear head when it comes to recognising all that you are experiencing at this time.  For myself I can suffer a lot of overwhelm when I'm having low mood and this can make it impossible for me to really identify everything that is going on for me because it begins to just feel like 'everything' isn't right.  The way you've broken things down is great, and allows you to look at what steps you CAN now take to tackle some of these stumbling blocks.  Perhaps, in the same way you've identified these issues, now would be a good time to do a brainstorm of what you do want things to look like?  Maybe think as if there were no rules, no barriers, nothing holding you back and ask yourself what it is that you would want your life to be like.  Write this down. 

Some might find this a bit left field, but I'm a believer in the law of attraction, so what we put out to the universe can create opportunities for these things to align with us.  Worth a go!  I find when I know exactly what I do want and focus less on what I don't (which I appreciate is very hard when it all feels so naff) then subtle coincidences start to gradually present themselves in time.  It's then up to us to act on these.  Hey nothing ventured, nothing gained... .

Meanwhile, use this board as somewhere to share your feelings and know that others can relate.  It's really good that you decided to post.  Hopefully documenting these things has helped a little in gaining perspective on the situation and will give you a good starting point to push on to better things.  How supportive is your g/f and family/friends?  It is OK to lean on people when you feel as you do.  Don't try to battle through this alone.  Also, look after your body as it can be too easy to start to neglect yourself at times like this as I'm sure you know.  You need physical well being to support your recovery too.  Stay in touch.

Love and light x     

[Harley Quinn]

Hi WJH,

Just wondering how you are doing?  Hope you'll be back in touch to let us know.

Love and light x

[WhatJustHappened?]

HQ-

A BIG thank you for taking the time to help me. We need more like you in this world.

I am feeling a bit better. My doctor did get back to me with an increased dosage on my Lexapro. I'm going to try it.

My parents and GF are supportive. I have one friend who also struggles with Depression and is a good resource. My other friends really don't understand it. They take the "just snap out if it" approach. I have tried MoodGym and need to revisit that site. It's a little long for me but I see the value of CBT.

I also understand and appreciate your suggestion on law of attraction. It makes sense but as you clearly stated, can be hard to put in motion when you feel crummy.

My folks just dropped a bomb on me that they may be moving to the South for affordability reasons. While it makes financial sense, it has been tough for me to not see that as a slap in the face. The honest truth is that me moving back here just didn't go as planned. Happens. What we all thought would happen didn't.

My brother lives in the South and at least he can help my folks out. My parents would like me to come but my GF would probably not join us. More drama.

So for me, time to get my "big boy" pants on and start executing a plan to turn this around. I loathe the "victim mentality".

I need to do what's best for me. Period. If others' don't like it, too bad. I am concentrating on landing a job in the West which includes Colorado which I love. I feel vulnerable as I do not have the resources I once had but that's okay. I also had a friend suggest looking into learning how to code computer programs as a new endeavor.

I also need to get back to exercising. We all know that good diet and exercise is critical when your not feeling mentality tough but we also all know that it's not always easy to get motivated about it when you do feel mentality crappy.

I am also starting a master "to-do" list so that I can write it all down and start checking things off the list. I feel that is empowering.

Thank you again HQ for the help - I encourage others who may relate to my experience to chime in.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi WJH,

Thanks for getting back to us with this update.  Overall, this all sounds very positive!  Even the fact that your folks are looking to relocate could be the release you need to feel from your obligations, as I understood them.  It might be exactly the thing you need to give you the push to pursue your own desires and be free of the attachment to the area that you seemed unhappy about.  I'm so pleased to hear you sounding a little more upbeat and optimistic.  Seems like progress to me.  Best of luck with the job where you'd like to live.  That sounds like a great plan.  I guess on the GF front, if you feel strongly towards her and want to make it work you will find a way, even if you don't live in the same place.  Ultimately you have to prioritise what means the most to you and your well being, as being in a situation that makes you unhappy doesn't benefit you or her, and if she cares for you she will see that. 

Regards exercising, this helps me enormously.  I have made the gym my sanctuary.  Remember, it is only the effort to go the first time that we must find and after that the immediate benefit will become a bit of an addiction if you're anything like me.  It also gets me out of the house and around people, whilst I don't have to actually engage with anyone if I don't feel like it and that's perfectly acceptable.  Right up my street!  Sometimes the last thing I feel like doing is making small talk.

I do hope you get something sorted on the insurance you spoke about in your original post.  I'm lucky that in the UK we have the NHS, however the mental health service is underfunded, under staffed, over stretch and in too much demand, so it can still be a struggle to get the right help at the right time.  I'm used to long waits, but it's worth sticking at it in the end.  From what I understand you guys sometimes have to fight the insurance companies to get the help that you need and if that is the case I wish you all the luck in the world.  I know the frustration of being clear on what will help you and having it just out of reach.  Where there is a will, there's a way.  Self management is a great place to be focusing in the meantime and I'm sure you know many ways that you can feel better.  In tough times it can be hard to apply yourself to self care so sometimes it takes a complete stranger to say you're worth the effort.  Trust me when I say you are worth the effort.  Have fun compiling the 'do list' and especially crossing/ticking things off.  I get great satisfaction from having completed a personal challenge, even if it's a tiny thing to someone else.  Let us know how it's all going.

Love and light x     

[heartandwhole]

Hi WJH,

Thank you for honest sharing about your struggles with depression. I can relate to some of what you wrote in your original post, especially about the aging parents, job search, and conflicted feelings about your decision to move back home. I can really understand your feelings of frustration and procrastination. And I relate to the "stinking thinking" that can take over. It's tough to deal with. 

I'm glad you are working with your doctor on getting the dose of Lexapro just right. From what I hear, it can be a delicate balance to find the "sweet spot" dose for each person. I hope it helps. And the healthcare situation in the States can be such a challenge. It boggles the mind that every other developed nation seems to be able to do better at making coverage available to their citizens.

I am concentrating on landing a job in the West which includes Colorado which I love. I feel vulnerable as I do not have the resources I once had but that's okay. I also had a friend suggest looking into learning how to code computer programs as a new endeavor.

I've found that shaking things up and putting myself in a completely new environment with new challenges helps to break that inertia that can creep up on many of us (and leaves us feeling stuck). This new job in a place that you love sounds like a great goal to work toward. 

I also need to get back to exercising. We all know that good diet and exercise is critical when your not feeling mentality tough but we also all know that it's not always easy to get motivated about it when you do feel mentality crappy.

I think this is so true, on both counts. I'm a big believer in the body/mind connection, so anything good you can do for one, will help the other, imo. What kind of exercise appeals to you, WJH? I'm a big fan of yoga, swimming, and walks in nature.

heartandwhole

[zonnebloem]

Hello,

I feel down too! Whenever my last lover/friend doesn't answer to my calls I feel down.
I feel like a loser. I have little intrest to life. I go for walks in the nature and I feel sorry for myself that I do every thing alone alone alone alone.
I should be glad that YES... .I have myself and YES... .I can chose to be in the shade and not in a horrible hot sun... .and YES... .I do water the flowers in my garden.
And YES... .I did my very best so my last lover would finally stop phoning me because we had no future and it was "you just keep me hanging on"... .
Yet... .when he sends me a little messag: "kisses" or "hugs"... .I feel good... .and it's been from Tuesdaynight that he did so... .without me asking for... .I hate to be so in need of love/fake love. Would be nice to talk here again.

[Lollypop]

Hi WJH

This may sound odd!

I'm in the Uk and watched a programme on the tv about a Dr trying to stop prescribing medicines. He had three case studies and one of them was for depression. I'm not telling you to stop your meds by the way!

I'm telling you about the treatment he recommended and it was cold wild water swimming. I'm laughing now because "wild" water in the UK just means a river or lake and they're just gentle babies and not like yours in Cali. As you know it's mostly chilly here anyway. So I'm not suggesting you jump in a grade 5 rapid!

Trying to stay on point here, apparently the cold shock to the body really helps the brain plus there's the beneficial social aspect if you swim in a group. I spoke with a friend and she told me that her mother (who is 85) swore by this technique and still insists on her cold shower every morning. Interestingly, the case study showed improvements. This is being researched at Portsmouth a University as a treatment.

Your post warmed my heart. No wonder you feel so low with so much going on.

You listed all the bad stuff. Can you list any positives in your life? It's good to remind ourselves even if we're not really feeling it,

LP

[WhatJustHappened?]

LP- Wow, that sounds like something to try. I've actually have heard of that before... .

H&W - I like the outdoors and hiking. I had to drag myself out of the house this week to go hiking. What a shame. But once I did, I felt a lot better.

The doctor has increased my dosage and I have been stepping up the dose. It's a little tough but I'll get it done. I'm also signing up for some online counseling which is affordable... .we'll see.

Thanks for all your help and support!

[incadove]

Hey WhatJustHappened

I had some depression a few months ago relating to my relationships with BPD-trait family members, some classic symptoms ("garbage truck" racing thinking in the morning, needing to withdraw in the evening, bitterness, wanting to drink)

One thing that I think is helping me a lot right now is volunteering, in my area there is a co-op childcare for refugee families, the kids are just so wonderful to work with.  I also volunteer with FosterEd, an organization that matches educational champions with foster kids.  Doing those things makes me feel so much better because I can visualize the kids and how happy they were at the last visit, and I know that whatever else is going on, I know I had a positive impact at that time.  Also I bond with them some as people, so its a healthy and very well-defined relationship, and I can bring them books and things I know they will like and appreciate.

Anyway, its a thought.  Also if you are technically oriented, I think its possible to learn programming pretty quickly, and the job market there is decent.  I'd learn Python since its easy and the demand is high, or Javascript/node.js.  Or if you are not technically oriented design is also in high demand.  I realized that I'm a lousy dishwasher, and if I apply for dishwasher jobs, I'd be at the bottom of the bottom - but if I apply for something in a niche area that I've studied intensively, my value goes up.  So figuring out what angle to go for that you have talent in and where there is demand, make take some figuring but once you find it I think you'll feel a lot better.

ok sorry I always give practical advice, please tell me if that makes you feel worse, I really want to know if its helpful or not helpful!  I'm like a 'do stuff now' person mostly but I know I also need to grow in more deep emotional ways!

[WhatJustHappened?]

Hey WhatJustHappened

I had some depression a few months ago relating to my relationships with BPD-trait family members, some classic symptoms ("garbage truck" racing thinking in the morning, needing to withdraw in the evening, bitterness, wanting to drink)

One thing that I think is helping me a lot right now is volunteering, in my area there is a co-op childcare for refugee families, the kids are just so wonderful to work with.  I also volunteer with FosterEd, an organization that matches educational champions with foster kids.  Doing those things makes me feel so much better because I can visualize the kids and how happy they were at the last visit, and I know that whatever else is going on, I know I had a positive impact at that time.  Also I bond with them some as people, so its a healthy and very well-defined relationship, and I can bring them books and things I know they will like and appreciate.

Anyway, its a thought.  Also if you are technically oriented, I think its possible to learn programming pretty quickly, and the job market there is decent.  I'd learn Python since its easy and the demand is high, or Javascript/node.js.  Or if you are not technically oriented design is also in high demand.  I realized that I'm a lousy dishwasher, and if I apply for dishwasher jobs, I'd be at the bottom of the bottom - but if I apply for something in a niche area that I've studied intensively, my value goes up.  So figuring out what angle to go for that you have talent in and where there is demand, make take some figuring but once you find it I think you'll feel a lot better.

ok sorry I always give practical advice, please tell me if that makes you feel worse, I really want to know if its helpful or not helpful!  I'm like a 'do stuff now' person mostly but I know I also need to grow in more deep emotional ways!

So funny you say this. I'm a good sales person and have been searching for a job in a niche, transportation industry in which I have experience in but I'm realizing that as a get older, this will not be sustainable. I have been considering programming so it's very ironic that you mention this. I was thinking more on along the lines of becoming a freelancer (combine my sales experience to get business with technical skills). First, I have to see if I like it. Code Academy has free online courses so that's good. The only other concern is that BLS says the demand is drying up for computer programmers. What do you think about that? I've read in some forums that it's nonsense but I don't know enough about it.

https://www.bls.gov/ooh/computer-and-information-technology/computer-programmers.htm

I find your advice very helpful. I think volunteering is a good way to break distorted thinking patterns. I like practical advice too. Have you tried the MoodGym CBT training which was mentioned earlier in this thread?

Hey, thanks again and I'd be really curious to see your answers on computer programming.

[Grey Kitty]

Man, I hear you about depression. I've been struggling with it much of the last year.

$.02 about computer stuff/programming: That industry has a lot of age discrimination baked into it, so starting it out in your 40s already has one strike against you. There is also a lot of downward pressure on wages from the work going offshore to places where labor is cheap like India, and also bringing in foreign workers who will accept lower salaries on things like H1B visas.

Even with all that, it still seems like a better prospect than Uber in the long term.

With a bachelors/masters, you might do better pursuing something in that field, especially if you have work experience. Or perhaps you can combine that experience with stuff you learned in the family business, or computer skills you learned to go off in a related direction.

I think your best job prospects are ones that leverage some of the things you've learned and done in the last couple decades. That is why somebody wants to hire a person in their 40s--because they already have knowledge and skills!

[WhatJustHappened?]

GK,

Believe me, I know ageism. It's everywhere and I know from my recent job search. It's even worse in Technology. Any thoughts of becoming a coding employee is out the window unless I become an absolute coding genius. My thought was to freelance but you bring up a good point about outsourcing. However, I found some old articles on this very subject about the danger of coding being outsourced from 2003 and since then, demand for good coders that were US-based exploded. My feeling is that with my soft skills and sales experience, I could do well getting freelance gigs. But still it may be too late.

Honestly, I've been in sales all my life and am not sure I want to continue. I'll have to eventually change to becoming a consultant whether I like it or not because we don't value experience in our work culture in so far as being an employee. Go on to LinkedIn and see that most of the people having trouble finding a new job have some grey hair. That's not just coincidence.

So what can a guy like me do with a BA and MA in Mass Communication & Journalism? My work experience in this field is old. Maybe teach?

[Lollypop]

Hi

Yes, teach.

In the UK they're actively recruiting from the career changers group. People with business experience and life skills are really valued. Particularly in establishments dealing with 16-20 year olds. You'd have to take a year in a teaching training programme in school or college.

I'd talk to somebody over at your local community college and see what they say. They might give you some guidance and advice on how realistic this idea is.

Just a thought

LP

[WhatJustHappened?]

Hi

Yes, teach.

In the UK they're actively recruiting from the career changers group. People with business experience and life skills are really valued. Particularly in establishments dealing with 16-20 year olds. You'd have to take a year in a teaching training programme in school or college.

I'd talk to somebody over at your local community college and see what they say. They might give you some guidance and advice on how realistic this idea is.

Just a thought

LP

Thanks... .good idea on talking to someone at a CC.

[incadove]

First, I have to see if I like it. Code Academy has free online courses so that's good. The only other concern is that BLS says the demand is drying up for computer programmers. What do you think about that? I've read in some forums that it's nonsense but I don't know enough about it.

https://www.bls.gov/ooh/computer-and-information-technology/computer-programmers.htm

I find your advice very helpful. I think volunteering is a good way to break distorted thinking patterns. I like practical advice too. Have you tried the MoodGym CBT training which was mentioned earlier in this thread?

Hey, thanks again and I'd be really curious to see your answers on computer programming.

Hey WhatJustHappened - I'm not sure what BLS is counting, but I know that in silicon valley we can't keep good people, they job hop.  I think there is good demand for skilled Python programmers in particular, and esp with like a data science angle.  I usually have to switch jobs about every 2 years as startups aren't that stable, but it usually takes less than 2 weeks to find a new one (I've got like 20 years experience, which helps, but I think a lot of places want new people also).  As to if you'll like it - only you will know, its a lot of screen time but places that do things like pair programming can be really fun to work at. 

I'd learn scripting languages like Javascript, Python, Ruby - those are faster to learn, more fun to work in, and at least in the startup world are in pretty high demand.  Also if you are more people oriented, look into design, I think there is also pretty high demand for user interface design skills.

On volunteering, I love volunteering with kids.  In my town there is a high refugee population and the kids need to learn English, reading, writing, and they are really positive and motivated.  Most classrooms need volunteers and a good teacher creates a really positive environment that I like to be around. 

I read the other posts, its true there is some 'ageism' but mostly I think it matters if you learn how to do it well.  I work remote so no one really sees me anyway.  One time I worked with a guy for a year on a side project before he realized I was a gal not a guy.  Anyway it lets you create stuff.  Teaching is not a bad idea either! 

I think the key is to look at this change as an opportunity for rapid search, and try to explore quickly a lot of different areas to see what clicks with you.  I know that sounds sort of cliche but its a chance to spread out.

I did do the MoodGym thing once, I think it was pretty helpful tho like sort of simplistic.   The character sketches they give are humorous and let you laugh at your own patterns, I think.

Good luck I hope you find the right new thing for you!