Current challenges

[Plutonian]

The only really challenging thing going on at the moment is that when my new friend/relationship person manifests some of the symptoms of BPD, I am feeling my tendency to want to be the rescuer and "make it all better," be reassuring, etc. Her main manifestation now is fear of abandonment, and we are in the very early stages of getting to know each other. So the level of need she seems to have catches me by surprise sometimes, as if it is way out of proportion to the stage of our relationship. But then I remember that she lives with BPD and can find a framework for it.

My tendency to rescue also can be a tendency not to rock the boat. We made plans earlier in the week to get together tonight and I am feeling like I might rather be on my own. I can sense my reluctance to tell her this, already sensing that it will be upsetting. So it's interesting trying to navigate my own "people pleasing" and rescuing tendencies.

any and all perspectives welcome.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hopeful_Me]

Hi Plutonian -

You seem to be aware of your codependent issues. If only awareness would cure it, right?

So, why do you want to bail? What's your fear?

If you made a date with me and bailed at the last minute with the reasoning you've posted, I would think "you" have a mental health issue to be concerned about. So, before you take her hostage into your dysfunction, ask yourself what the fear is and are you willing to do what it takes to move past it?

[Plutonian]

Excellent perspective- and I do indeed have certain emotional and mental dysfunctions that I seem like I could drag her into, if I don't walk with honestly and care. Good question about fear. We ended up spending time together and it was great, but it went well specifically because I told her honestly that I was feeling fear, self doubt, trepidation, etc. These feelings center around overcommitting too soon, losing myself in the connection with her, re-enacting my coda patterns and "writing checks I can't cash," so to speak. But we talked it out and even just acknowledging what was going on definitely reduced the fear itself.

My counselor and I are exploring why I have repeatedly gotten involved with women who are either BPD or bipolar and some of it is obvious (rescuer, caretaker, needing to be needed, needing to be "the healthy one" but it also is apparent there are deeper layers as well. Thanks for listening.

[waverider]

Sometimes people with issues are drawn to others with issues, it may be part of the bond. Almost safety in the familiar, it can normalise their own problems, whereas healthy self confident people make you feel more vulnerable.

pwBPD can often play over the top rescuers too when they are in the idealization phase (honeymoon period), this appeals to us. This does not last as it is who they want to be, rather than who they are. The role comes partly from them mirroring your needs rather than from any deep sense of self. In return we rescue them. It seems a perfect match

[Plutonian]

CW: discussion of self harming behavior, suicide threats

That makes sense-- I do know that my favorite position to occupy on the Karpman triangle is Rescuer-- followed by victim when my rescuing is refused and very occasionally persecuter if I feel completely rejected.

Last night, this new person went very rapidly into a serious downward spiral. She got some bad news and as we were talking about it, all of the skills she has learned in her DBT work went out the window. She began cutting herself and describing the results to me in detail. I remembered getting some counseling around the last time I was partnered with a person living with BPD that the most effective response when these severe symptoms come up is not to try to rescue or intervene myself, but to call 911 and initiate a more serious intervention. So this is what I did.

She is in inpatient care now at a pretty good facility but she's furious that I called in the professionals and has gone into the pushing away/rejecting mode. I have simply told her I understand and that I stand by her and want her to be safe and well.

So that is the sudden landscape, after only knowing her a couple weeks. I'll be seeing my own counselor a little later this week and discussing exactly what I am ready for, going forward. I honestly feel like I do not have the resources to hang in with this in an effective way at this time, with all of my own stuff that I am dealing with. But we'll see. I know I can continue to be friends and supportive at this time. So at least I will focus on that.

Thanks again for listening.