I'm lost without him yet terrified to even say hi.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm feeling lost without him. I date. I have sex, a lot of it.  He was a sex addicted BPD so a lot of sex began to feel like my normal. And I took that, carried it, tried it with others. It didn't work.

I try new people. They never measure up. I always imagine him snickering from A distance, laughing: "they weren't as good as me, sweet like me, big like me? Their sex could never be like mine."

I fear a lot. This pathetic sense that  he was the best. For three years he was all I ever wanted. We gave each other so much. Yet, as many here have shared, as we grew closer, all grew worse. For him it was finally moving to my city ... .it began a pattern of cheating. Physical Abuse. Self harm by him. And now, my left side of my face is kept together, physically,  with titanium plates from one of his psychotic outbursts.

I am having a rough night. I just left a lovely date. We had dinner, we cuddled. They treated me so well. There was even sex ... .great sex. But I just imagine my ex from afar,  taunting me, divining  correctly that it wasn't as good as he was, that nobody could be as good as he was. That the intimacy we felt could  never be matched once again by another.

This is a very difficult road to walk. Dealing with BPD... .these people treat you, and make you their God, until you are not that person anymore. Until, you  exhaust who YOU are,  trying to plug all the holes. Meanwhile the essence of yourself disappears in a sea of chaos. 

 And, by the end of it all, you are so used to being taken advantage of, you don't know left from right anymore.

 This has been a hard night for me. I'm torn. I find that my heart is so broken.  Even if I find physical gratification from others. I still struggle with what happened to me, with him. I want him. Yet I still can touch my face and feel the metal he put there in a rage. This never gets easier. And I am having a hard night

[cbm419]

I'm feeling lost without him. I date. I have sex, a lot of it.  He was a sex addicted BPD so a lot of sex began to feel like my normal. And I took that, carried it, tried it with others. It didn't work.

I try new people. They never measure up. I always imagine him snickering from A distance, laughing: "they weren't as good as me, sweet like me, big like me? Their sex could never be like mine."

I fear a lot. This pathetic sense that  he was the best. For three years he was all I ever wanted. We gave each other so much. Yet, as many here have shared, as we grew closer, all grew worse. For him it was finally moving to my city ... .it began a pattern of cheating. Physical Abuse. Self harm by him. And now, my left side of my face is kept together, physically,  with titanium plates from one of his psychotic outbursts.

I am having a rough night. I just left a lovely date. We had dinner, we cuddled. They treated me so well. There was even sex ... .great sex. But I just imagine my ex from afar,  taunting me, divining  correctly that it wasn't as good as he was, that nobody could be as good as he was. That the intimacy we felt could  never be matched once again by another.

This is a very difficult road to walk. Dealing with BPD... .these people treat you, and make you their God, until you are not that person anymore. Until, you  exhaust who YOU are,  trying to plug all the holes. Meanwhile the essence of yourself disappears in a sea of chaos. 

 And, by the end of it all, you are so used to being taken advantage of, you don't know left from right anymore.

 This has been a hard night for me. I'm torn. I find that my heart is so broken.  Even if I find physical gratification from others. I still struggle with what happened to me, with him. I want him. Yet I still can touch my face and feel the metal he put there in a rage. This never gets easier. And I am having a hard night

[roberto516]

Hey cbm,

I understand those feelings of confiction. Logically and rationally we know what is best but there's always that pull from the heart which just seems so strong sometimes (despite all that happened).

How long ago did the relationship end? Any contact at all from the end to now?

[Lost@49]

Hi cbm,

Very difficult I agree.  A great shame that so many people go through this.  Hang in there.

It's one thing to be able to offer "helpful" advice when it is someone else telling the story.  It's quite another to be the one living it.  If your ex is happy to have you lost in unhappiness just to be "right", without realising what has really been lost, then I certainly feel your pain.  In my situation I had been emotionally drained for so long it has been very hard to imagine a situation again where I am not.  If you had a lovely date then you should remember that this a very real appreciation by someone else of your true values.  This is what is needed in life eventually.  Hold onto the feeling as best as you can despite the backdrop as the person offering it is just as real a person as everyone else, including your ex.  You may feel too empty to be able to offer similar emotional connection in return.  Give it a chance if you think the potential is there and you can.  Only you can decide what is best, and who you want to be with, but unfortunately life remains short for all of us.

I am slowly moving forward.  For what it is worth these are my personal thoughts.  Remember to sit in the sun in a peaceful spot occasionally.  Do kind things for strangers in need as often as the chance arises.  Look at a photo of the Earth taken from the moon to get a different perspective of life, its brevity, and what it means. 

Pretty much everything we think is so important now will not be remembered by anyone at all in 100 years.  No-one thanks you for trying to stop the tide coming in.  You are a good person to help anyone you wish to, but to be a happy person you need to set your own path.

Wishing you all the best.  Have a happy peaceful day tomorrow.

[jhkbuzz]

I always imagine him snickering from a distance, laughing: "they weren't as good as me, sweet like me, big like me? Their sex could never be like mine."

But I just imagine my ex from afar,  taunting me, divining  correctly that it wasn't as good as he was, that nobody could be as good as he was. That the intimacy we felt could  never be matched once again by another.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time... .it's the loneliest place in the world to be, ask me how I know.  

Here's the thing someone needs to point out to you: you are doing this to yourself. Torturing yourself. He is not there, not snickering, not laughing, not taunting - but you place him there. This is all a product of your own thoughts; your own mind. You are causing your own suffering.

I think many people's thoughts cause their own suffering. I also think this is a pretty common experience to many on these boards. After the breakup our minds create a "reality" that has no basis in fact or physical reality; we believe the thoughts; we suffer (some of us for a very long time); and then we wonder how and when it will ever end. The answer is that it will end when we choose to end it; when we separate who we are from our self destructive thoughts; we create some distance and examine those thoughts (out loud if necessary!) to start to get a handle on why we are torturing ourselves.

This is the truth: you could just as easily choose a different narrative - and  that's where your work lies now. ("Hey, tonight was a nice night! I'm not in love or anything, but I enjoyed myself and I like meeting new people. I'm still healing from everything that happened with ___, but I'm strong and I'm moving on and making plans for my future"

This awareness of your thought processes (and subsequent separation from  and examination of  your thoughts) is called mindfulness.  You can learn a bit more about it at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

[Harley Quinn]

Hi cbm,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this.  I think many of us can relate to your fears.  I just wanted to ask, have you had any professional help and support since the end of the relationship, like counselling or other therapy?  I'm on a waiting list for counselling and am currently half way through a 12 week recovery programme with a local domestic abuse support service.  I wondered if you've had access to anything like this because it is proving really helpful for me.

I also agree with jhkbuzz about how useful mindfulness can be.  Recently I shared a link to a good site with free downloads of self compassion and kindness practices from a mindfulness teacher.  Let me know if you're interested and I'll drop you the link.

Love and light x

[lovenature]

my left side of my face is kept together, physically,  with titanium plates from one of his psychotic outbursts.

Please don't EVER forget this cbm, love should never ever approach this kind of violence. No one who causes so much pain is worth being with; think of the positives of being alone, and with the person who treated you well.

But I just imagine my ex from afar,  taunting me, divining  correctly that it wasn't as good as he was, that nobody could be as good as he was. That the intimacy we felt could  never be matched once again by another.

Think of the overall of things; is the intimacy really worth more than all the pain?

Try to do what is best for YOU cbm, I know it isn't easy when you care so much for someone who hurt you so much.   Remember that the cycle always repeats without years of therapy.
Take care.