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Author Topic: Big Step- Told him to Never Contact Me Again  (Read 367 times)
Zemmma
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« on: June 17, 2017, 05:17:13 AM »

I surprised myself by doing this. But now it is done. Wow. Five years. I have never told him this. I have always told him i would rather have him in my life in some way, than not at all.

He is not the type to come crawling back to profess everlasting love. He IS the type to pop up after weeks or months of NC to ask how I am doing, or to send me a love song or to write some poetry about how wonderful the sex used to be. And I would jump into pursuer mode. But coming back was always with an "At Your Own Risk" disclaimer. He would come back for sex and intimacy basically. Sometimes we would try the relationship again involving friends and family but he has gotten to the point where he said he will never do that again. Because there is "too much wrong and too much lacking."

The last round he tried to just see me alone. We would act like a couple, he would make me meals, watch movies, go out and play pool, go out for dinner, tell each other about our lives, have sex, but he was holding back emotionally and not committing. He thought it was okay just to fill his sexual and emotional needs but he was very clear that he does not want a relationship with me again. I, of course, tried to be perfect and wonderful thinking he would change his mind on that in time, but of course I failed. I was a pretty damned near the perfect girlfriend this time, but he was resistant and when I made even one small demand (request) he pushed back hard reminding me of my place.

I sent him a detailed message, not blaming but telling him I can't do this anymore. He had broken up with me for 3 months (this time) and came back to me for a month of this sex fling without emotion, and then he ended it again and for two weeks he has written every day asking me to come to my bed, no don't come to my bed, but come to my bed forever, no, don't come ever again.

He has this angry part of him. He's angry with me for how we were when we were together. I had made it clear that I could never live with him (I set that boundary because I know he would ruin my life!). He doesn't respect my privacy, he will literally go through my computer and phone and anything else. He doesn't sleep at night (he likes to go to bed between 4 and 7 a.m. and sleep until mid afternoon. He's messy. I own a house and am still paying out my ex-husband and he has no money and no assets, so I don't want to support him, he has a child that is much younger than my teenage kids, and I don't want to get involved in raising her in my home. I also couldn't live with him because he is suspicious, emotionally unstable, provokes fights and arguments (though he says I do too). He is a smoker and a drinker. And HE LEAVES ME. Over and over. To be honest, I am 46 years old and I don't know if I ever want to live with a man again. I am an independent, professional woman. I want a serious relationship, but not cohabitation. I would far sooner marry a man than live with one. But this man- I could never live with him. I have known this from the start and been clear about it. And it made him feel unloved. Partly because I supported my ex (who was a stay at home dad for our kids). He said the relationship had no future. It was futile.

He didn't like that we wouldn't move forward in that way. And of course that is his right. He has his own dreams of what a relationship should be (Romeo and Juliet) and I couldn't give it to him.

So since this last break up he has been writing and dipping in and out. Sometimes with great sexual interest, sometimes friendly, other times angry and blaming. I'd be getting better and he would send a text saying he wanted to say hi, and asking if I am okay. And even the sight of his name made my heart race. I have noticed that seeing his name on my phone gives me anxiety. I just don't want someone in my life that can do that to me. Have so much power to give me pain.

So I ended it. I didn't leave any room for him to contact me. He has already removed himself from the relationship anyway. All this does is ask him not to contact me ever again in any way. He always thought he could breeze in and out. I pretty much was unblaming, and sweet about it. But I was clear. So now I have to recover without his involvement.

I still can't believe I shut the door. He is probably partly relieved. He was tied into something he really didn't want anymore. I put my foot down in a kind and sad way. I said he can't come back unless he wants a relationship. I don't want to be his sex on the side while he finds another lover.

So sad. But a tiny part of me thinks I did the right thing. He was just stringing me along and told me the relationship had really died a long time ago.

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Emotions
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« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2017, 06:21:44 AM »

Sounds like you know yourself well... .the tiny part of you might grow every day into a bigger and bigger part of you knowing that you made a good decision. You closed the door, but a healthy person can always come knocking politely on the door someday. Whoever it may be. If that person ever comes you won't feel pain but intrigue and joy to open it. Until then, take care of yourself and enjoy your independence and children. Peace
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Hopeful_Me

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« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2017, 07:17:40 AM »

Zemmma,

I am sorry for your pain. I truly understand and feel it.

I'd like to ask you some questions:

Do you see the correlation between his lack of relationship commitment to you and your choice to not not ever have him live with you?

You say you want a relationship with him, but stop at living with him. So are you saying you want to have a life long relationship with each of you living in your own homes?

I have trouble understanding that? So if I do, might he too? Might he see you as the non-committal one? Just a thought.

He has no money, no sense of stability, but is that the quality relationship material you seek? There are so many confusing points you've made. I suspect they come from the intoxication from being enmeshed with this man. I've been there, I know how awful it is.

I recently ended a similar thing. I've deleted and blocked his number - deleted all emails, texts etc. Erased all the external painful reminders so I can heal. Today is day 3 of NC. I feel relief. I am healing. So will you. <3
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Zemmma
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« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2017, 08:05:14 AM »

Hopeful_Me (Disclaimer, some of this may sound a little defensive, but I think it explains... ) Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yes. I understand that. I have a home and a business and was the sole supporter of my family until my husband left me suddenly after 23 years cohabitation and 17 years of marriage. I fully supported him. I put him through school (twice), we went on vacations every year, I gave him his own credit card. Never batted an eye at any of this, because he was staying at home with the kids, made dinners, etc. There was no "his money" and "my money." We shared everything and it was a fair partnership. Then he left me and suddenly I had to pay him out. My house had increased in value by three times- I have had to pay him out on the market value at the time he decided to leave me. He also got to keep our two cottages. I have been paying him $5000 a month which he is living on tax free (unemployed) for over 5 years. Am I bitter about money and the fact that if you support a man during a marriage you become legally responsible for supporting him for the rest of his life after he decides to suddenly leave you without a warning? Yup! I am actually not so much bitter as JUST NOT DOING IT AGAIN. Plus. The only thing I have left from the marriage is this house. It is now MY house. I am a little protective of my space, my place. I can make decisions here and a man can't come in and suddenly disrupt my entire world and my children's home. Financially I can't even possibly take that risk right now. I am still struggling to pay out the ex. And I was already struggling with a debt load before he left. Where did he think I can find $5000 a month- out of thin air? Some people don't even make $5000 a month. I know he never will again.

So in walk's the artist. Also in his 40's. Has never owned property. Lives in a basement apartment. Can hardly get through the month on his pay. Has no assets whatsoever. Is money what I value in a man or relationship? Absolutely not. I was with him for 5 years (on and off because he kept breaking up). I was with my ex for decades. Obviously I am not a gold digger. But, this new man is supporting a child. He pays his ex monthly even though she makes more money than he does, and she should be paying him. His current rent is less than 1/4 of what I pay in monthly mortgage. Is any of that my business? Nope. But it suddenly would be my business if he moved in here. Then I would be supporting Him, and His Ex-Wife, and His Child, and My Ex-Husband and My Son and My Daughter. ___ THAT.

So am I emotionally unavailable? NO. I will give my heart fully, I will give all my time. I am committed. I am generous. I am always up for sex. I love to sleep at his and he can sleep at mine. I am monogamous.

Am I financially unavailable? YES. I am not fully supporting another man in my home. I am not putting myself at risk like that again.

But that is just a tiny part of it, because that is what you asked about. The bigger issue with this man is that the relationship has always been unstable. Because he is emotionally unstable. He used to break up with me every couple of months. His behaviour gives me anxiety, intense pain and sadness. He has me on an eternal rollercoaster. He is always in angst. He is an alcoholic (carries beer around in his bag so he can crack one open the moment he clocks out of work!). When he goes out he orders two pints at a time, and will drink un to 15 drinks per night. He goes hot and cold on me. He smokes in his apartment even though it is a non-smoking building. I can't trust he would be more respectful of my space. He goes through my things. He paces at night. I can't live with him because he chooses a lifestyle that is pretty wild and from another time zone. Lots of time I would be waking up at 8 a.m. and I would text him and he was just finally getting ready to go to bed. Chaos.

Maybe some day I will want to live with someone again. But I am 46 years old and I only have about 6 years left of kids living at home. My daughter is in therapy because the divorce and her father have messed her up quite a bit. I am not making my teenage kids open their home to another man and his kids. This is our safe space. I am protecting us now and putting my children first.

So yes, he can complain I won't live with him and he can decide he wants to be with someone who wants that. But he can't complain that I don't want to "share" with him when sharing means I would have to give all and risk it all and he has nothing to contribute- nothing to lose.

He has been unstable since the day I met him and always has one foot out of the door. I am not bringing all of his pain into my house. I have taken enough hits and he has hurt me enough. I was never, ever even close to offering him a space in my home. I do have a little common sense.

I realize I may end up an old cat lady in this house.






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patientandclear
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« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2017, 08:38:34 AM »

Zemmma--I so relate, and I am so impressed by your clarity and good boundaries.

What you offered him was so much, so worth having.  It has the limits it has because you are who you are.  Someone who is a potentially good partner would hear that and work with you.  Also, would not trigger all your legitimate fears so reasonably.

I know it's sad and hard to definitely end it with someone who is that compelling and who is also in quest for a deep, intimate partnership.  It's so beguiling and pieces are so close to what you want.  Also, I know what it is to choose the potential of solitary cat lady.  I'm right there -- my kid (also damaged greatly by her dad and then my depression in the aftermath of my BPD r/ship) sounds like she is the same age as yours, and when she is no longer living with me, it's possible I'm going to be pretty lonely.  I don't know.

But I still can't be used by a man the way my BPDex used me -- taking everything I would give him, and making zero commitment and as you say, putting nothing at risk himself.  He specializes in being able to cut ties and walk away, and though he never was really gone permanently, eventually, this damaged my willingness to let him in and to make myself vulnerable to him.  I love your "common sense."  I learned mine late but like you, I just can't put myself and my kid at risk of abandonment again by trusting someone who has proven himself to be an abandoner long before I started drawing lines and holding boundaries.

He will of course knock at your door again. I too told my ex I wouldn't be in touch except very remotely (I offered letters) unless he wanted to try a real relationship.  So ... .he said he wanted to try that.  And ... .despite that I did my very best, he can't, or wouldn't, make it through the part where he has bad feelings, and I therefore entered yet another year of recovery and healing after having briefly had hope and after having put my heart out there in a real way.

 
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roberto516
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2017, 08:52:45 AM »

Zemmma I am sorry to read about your situation. It shows great resolve to have the mindset that you have right now. I can't imagine how I would feel after the situation with your first husband. I applaud you. It also seems that you have learned from that event and have decided that there are boundaries that you won't allow to be crossed again. That shows true growth.

You seem to have a lot of resolve in this decision. I too at first felt like there might be some non-commitment on your part. But your follow up explanation makes it perfectly clear that you won't allow yourself to be in a similar situation. It truly means you are putting yourself first. 
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
Zemmma
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« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2017, 09:46:25 AM »

roberto516 and patientandclear,

Its not that I am strong in any way. He has really been giving me less and less. So it wasn't really me who pulled the cord. I mean, I did send him a goodbye video telling him to never call, text, contact me again. But he wasn't offering me much at this stage anyway. I didn't see a lot of choice. And his little middle of the night contacts and invitations would give me hope, that would be dashed when he work up the next day and retracted.

patientandclear: There have been so many times I thought we'd never get in contact again, and it has never died down for more than a 3 month stretch. But I can't contact him after saying I could never see him again, and he can't contact me after I made it clear he is never to contact me again... right? I just don't see how either one of us can come back from that. Although I suppose if I bumped into him down the line. That could start it up. I think we are out of contact now for a good long time- years at least. That is what I am preparing for. But I am asking you this question because the past would suggest a different pattern and I am wondering if I am being silly to think it is finally over this time. It is very hard to break out of these relationships! I think he did me a favour by taking the romance out of our relationship during his last recycle. He gave me sex and companionship but held back on the magical intimacy/ affection part that made him so alluring. I think I was in love with how much he seemed to love me. But not JUST that. I truly love him without question. That is not the problem.

Anyways, I can't have casual sex with someone I love. Feeling his emotional absence made it easier to leave.

I also relate to what you said about the man that can just walk away. His longest relationship in 45 years was a 10 year marriage- he had a child. But he has had so many girlfriends. They didn't usually last more than a year and a half. He likes to start over I think. Relationships give him pain and women end up disappointing him because they don't match the image in his head. It has been on my mind as well because he was the one who left his marriage. He said he has ended every relationship he has ever been in. So he is a leaver, and I am the one who always hangs on. I would have never left either of them.

roberto516 I could very possibly have commitment issues at this point (never did in my marriage of course). I know not wanting to marry again or live with someone is unusual. It may make it hard for me to get the kind of relationship I want. My ex-husband and I were very compatible. We were an excellent couple for over 20 years. But over time (and especially after having kids together), it became a little too familiar. It became almost sisterly-brotherly. It affected our sex life for certain (although he has a history of childhood sexual abuse so there were some intimacy difficulties on his part). Anyways, now that I have tried living separate from a lover, I have grown to love that situation. It is so much sexier! You can sleep over, spend as much time together as you want, stay up all night being crazy, but then go home and recover and do your work and do the non-sexy things like bills and groceries and cleaning bathrooms.

For five years this guy and I were able to keep it super sexy. I still went weak at the knees and felt butterflies, and couldn't wait to see him and dive into bed and the rest. I just think it is a better model for a romantic love relationship when there are no kids to co-parent. I think it is exciting and keeps the passion alive. We closed the bathroom door, we never passed gas in front of each other, you get the picture. And I have never been so close to anyone else. It was just SEXIER.

Now I have to find someone who shares my view (and can also TRUST even though we are not always under the same roof). Well, no. Now I have to be alone for a while. Dating just makes me miss my man even more and sends me running back.

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happendtome
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« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2017, 12:00:14 PM »

I feel that im healing, getting better day by day and do you know why? Because when im reading this nonsense (sorry, i did that same, i know) i feel how pathetic it is and how it looks to everyone else who would look it outside. Supporting some losers and trying to find every explanation why it is a good idea.
Once you get out from the fog it all look so ridiculous what we did.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #8 on: June 17, 2017, 03:15:17 PM »

Hi Zemmma,

'I surprised myself by doing this'.  That's a powerful statement, as I feel that every time we surprise ourselves it is coming from a deeper part of ourselves than necessarily our conscious mind.  When we act in this way, I believe it is meant to be and the wiser part of ourselves (the unconscious mind) is paving the way for something more that is truly meant for us.

Well done for showing such resolve, in all areas of your life.  You are stronger than you think.  Holding tight to your boundaries is one thing so many of us have failed at.  Be proud of yourself for that.  I have great respect for your self awareness and ability to prioritise yourself and your children in this way.  Keep us posted as you continue your detaching journey.  It can be a bumpy ride, yet one that is well worth the effort if you are to be free of the difficult emotions longer term.  I wish you every success in moving forwards with ease.

Love and light x
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Zemmma
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« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2017, 09:45:12 PM »

Harley Quinn,
You have the most amazing insights. Never leave this place! (thank you)...

That resonated with me. About the "surprising myself." Because after doing that, ending it... .(I made it really difficult for either him or me to go back to whatever it was we were doing in this post-break up cycle)... well, there is some wiser inner part of me that is approving.

I think part of me was always wanting to keep the door open. And when I left it open a crack, sure enough, he would enter. Maybe just a little text, maybe he'd send a romantic song, or ask how I was doing... But when his name popped up on my phone I would have a physical reaction. I would be so happy, relieved, and then of course, my hopes would be dashed... at some point. But this up and down, and knowing he could write at any time had me (still has me) checking my phone constantly. If he truly stops I will calm down, but it has been a source of constant anxiety.

I thought I would panic when I cut him off. I have had a little panic. It's only been a couple of days. But mostly I think I actually feel some relief. And for the first time I am reading posts on here that say it can get better, and I am starting to believe that if I let go, it really will.

I was never ready or willing to let go before. I hung on for 14 months once during a break-up. I even tried to have a healthy relationship with another man. But I missed him all through that. And we did have some contact during that time.

But after that last go-round with him, I am beginning to truly believe that he will never change. Last time I thought, FINE, if he can't change, I will change! And I tried that angle, of biting my tongue and being everything he ever wanted me to be. But even that didn't work. He was already gone from me. Now I feel I have truly tried everything.

He had the BEST BEST BEST love to offer. That's why I put up with all of the punishment. I am afraid I will never find something that will fill me like that love. But it was not something he could give consistently. He has proven that so many times. I believe it was real, and it was the best. But I can't make him give it to me. I honestly think he doesn't have the capacity to give me the love that I need over time. And there are only so many times I should find myself on the floor, broken.

I have everything i need to be happy, except love. Everything else in my life fits right now. I will build from that. When he was here there were certainly parts of him and the r/s that didn't fit. I was trying to bend over backwards to make it work. I should chose very carefully going forward. I know I have the capacity for love that will stand the test of time. I hope I can feel that again with someone.
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happendtome
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« Reply #10 on: June 18, 2017, 02:23:05 AM »


He had the BEST BEST BEST love to offer. That's why I put up with all of the punishment. I am afraid I will never find something that will fill me like that love. But it was not something he could give consistently. He has proven that so many times. I believe it was real, and it was the best.

I think i disagree here. I felt the same way - the real LOVE, only LOVE and so on and on. But after one year and after 8-9 months LC/NC i understand that it wasnt. First months, after i was left i dreamed only about her, all my fantasies were about her, when i was thinking about sex then i was thinking about her. It wasnt LOVE, it was OBSESSION.

Give yourself time, do no contact and after one year you will start to see things differently. A lot differently.
But, if you are not strong, if you dont believe yourself then you will fall back to this hole and you can suffer decades about this "love story".
Have you seen those grumpy, sour old people? Usually, they are those people who got stuck to that one and only "true love". Everyone is running away from them because all they do is talk how LOVE hurts.
Happy people dont have scarcity thinking.
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Harley Quinn
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #11 on: June 18, 2017, 04:07:17 AM »

Hi Zemmma,

You have that love inside of yourself.  All the bending over backwards, all the giving of your own love, all those feelings of such powerful love - now is the time to give it to yourself.  See that you are worth that effort, care and attention.  You will find the way.  Others have.  Take some time to take stock now and in time YOU can fill yourself, in the way you describe that he did.  You're a smart lady who knows herself well and I have faith in you.  Stay in touch.  We're here for you.

Love and light x
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