BPD Spouse- At an Impass

[TreeMan47]

Hello I need help!

I am heading into retirement, and my spouse is an undiagnosed (as far as I can tell) high functioning BPD, the situation has got worse to the point that divorce is on the table.  Our children are grown and have left the family home.  I have read Randi's book SWOE's.  My spouse's symptoms include severe splitting, intense control issues, alienation of our children, mood swings, fear of abandonment.  This situation has affected our children who love their parent and are profoundly distressed.  The situation has got worse over the years, to a point where most long term family friends have been cutoff by the spouse.  The person refuses to get help, and blames the rest of the family for everything.

I feel powerless to help, and ended up taking a passive role, so not to engage in the episodes of anger.  I have been to a therapist as have our kids.  For me this was not helpful, the advice was to get out of the marriage.  It is devastating to have to consider divorce at this late stage of my life.  I live in an area where real estate/accommodation is very expensive, so have not decided to move out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

If you do divorce, probably best not to make a legal claim that she's so disordered.  Why?  First, the custody and parenting issues are long past.  Second, you don't want her to piggyback your claim and try to get herself viewed as handicapped and you forced to support her as a disabled person post-marriage.  I'm not saying she would or could try that (or the judge choose to include that) by it might be a risk.

Get a few legal consultations with a family law attorney.  It is a long marriage, you need to find out what sort of support, and for how long, you might be facing in your state.

Disclaimer... .Though I am divorced (no other option) I have always been a strong proponent of marriage, well, reasonably healthy marriage and not dangerous or crushing.  However, most people who end up on this board do take the legal way out.  By and large, it's generally a matter of all other options failed.