A letter to all Moms who have BPD children

[Yepanotherone]

I found this and thought I would share from the TARA website

Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them."   Leo Tolstoy
 
 
          On this Mother's Day, I would like to give very mother the gift of understanding, the gift of science, I hope to relieve the burden of guilt and blame.
         If you are reading this letter you are probably the mother of an adult or adolescent son or daughter suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. He or she may or may not have been diagnosed with BPD, may or may not admit that they have a problem however, in your heart, you know something is very wrong.
       For a long while you have probably been aware that your child is different, is unhappy, often feels lonely and rejected, is in pain, just doesn't seem to "fit in". The choices and decisions she makes not only fall short of her goals but may often bring about hurtful consequences to herself and others. She cannot seem to find a comfortable place to be in her own life; no place is "SAFE"; she is not flourishing. Your child is not following the usual path into adulthood, mile markers fall short. If there are siblings, this becomes even more painful as younger or older siblings thrive, highlighting this child's difficulties
        As you watch her go from crisis to crisis you are struck with the realization of your own inadequacy to help her, to spare her pain, to help her avoid hurt, to solve her problems. Some of you may be the recipient of intense anger, blame and rejection. Your efforts to help are often criticized and rejected. You are told "you are trying to control me, you were never there for me, you never listen, you just don't understand."
          :)o you feel like a failure as a mother? You ask yourself where did I go wrong? What did I do or not do? How did this happen to my child, to me, to my family? You remember your expectations when you decided to have a child. You can remember how it felt when the child was inside of you or when you were anticipating her adoption. You had such hopes, so much love to give to this long awaited little person. You anticipated providing her with the best possible life, sharing in her achievements and joys. Instead you are now cast as the villain in a drama, accused of a crime you know you didn't commit. Pain is your constant companion, sorrow walks beside you all the time. No matter what the other areas of your life are like, the pain of this unhappy child accompanies you wherever you go, whatever you do. You grieve every day.
           Once you admitted to yourself that something was wrong, you probably sought professional help. For most of you, this journey began in early adolescence, with the onset of puberty and middle school intense peer relationships complicate life. For others, it may have begun with a hard to soothe baby, a hypersensitive child who was a fussy eater, who couldn't stand noises, itchy clothes or smells and may have had difficulty sleeping. The child others described as "shy." Or with a very supposedly hyperactive or aggressive child, prone to tantrums. Unfortunately, babies don't come with a "How To" book. We all do the best we can and it is hard to know what "normal" is. If we ask question, we are usually told, "oh well, they'll grow out if it." Unbeknownst to you, the things you saw or questioned were important. WHO KNEW?
              :)esperate for help. with the best of intentions, you probably sought professional help. You begin by reaching out to family and friends, consulted with therapists, social workers, psychiatrists, family therapists, or educational consultants. Quite often, the journey begins with your first trip to the emergency room. You may have looked for help as a family or sought counseling for yourself. Surely you spent enormous amounts of money seeking the best help you could find. It is here that the heartbreak often begins.
         Although you desperately wanted help, the help you received was most often not helpful. You are told to implement strategies for which evidence shows that these strategies cause harm. (iatrogenic) For example, remain neutral and calm when your child is upset and emotional, institute boundaries and limits, have them sign contracts, do not enable them, don't be "co-dependent'", they are not safe at home, send them to the ER if they cut, hospitalize them if they talk about suicide, send them to residential treatment programs or to wilderness programs.  You can't diagnose her because she is not 18. Or, she has BPD traits... .equivalent to being a little pregnant. All of this is bad enough however the worst part is that the professional talking to you sees you as the cause of your child's problems. At best from a psychoanalytic point of view, you are thought of as having failed to "attach" to your child. According to the DBT concepts, you created an invalidating environment for your child. At worst, you are having abused your child. These are the frames of references used by most clinicians unfamiliar with the latest research on BPD.
     The Biosocial Theory of BPD developed by Marsha Linehan states that BPD is a complex disorder resulting from certain biological predispositions which manifest themselves when met with a dysfunctional or invalidating environment.  BPD is a dysfunction in how bodies regulate emotions in combination with emotional sensitivity and an invalidating environment. This can ultimately trigger BPD. According to Linehan, an invalidating environment isn't necessarily one in which a child is abused or neglected. Even the most well-intentioned families can be invalidating by ignoring, ridiculing, denying, or judging a child's feelings. Making a child believe their thoughts or feelings are just plain wrong without understanding them is invalidating. People who grow up in an invalidating environment learn to believe that their actions, thoughts, and feelings don't matter. This can hinder their ability to recognize and label their emotions, and cause them to distrust their emotions. According to the "theory" of invalidating environments, your child is a bad fit in your family, a mismatch.        
             Please note, this is a theory. In science, a 'theory' is a scientists' explanations & interpretations of facts. When used in everyday non-scientific speech, "theory" implies that something is an unsubstantiated and speculative guess, conjecture. Search as I may, and I search the literature with frequency, I have not found a study that validates invalidating environments as the cause of BPD. A 2010 study by Reeves et al,found that, consistent with the biosocial theory, the best fitting model indicated that emotional vulnerability and emotional dysregulation were uniquely related to BPD symptoms after controlling for personality traits, and that dysregulation mediated the relationship between emotional vulnerability and BPD. invalidation was not significantly associated with BPD and could be dropped from that model. Studies confirm the genetic heritability of BPD. Additionally, those with BPD have alexithymia,  an inability to name their feelings,difficulty naming their own emotional responses plus a heightened sense of their own emotional responses. According to Antonia New, MD of ICAHN My Sina,  BPD patients have may really not have a clue about how they are feeling. Yet the clinical community relies on "Self-report" from people with known perceptual biases.  Why don't clinician's fact check?  All of you know that your version of events does not match your child's version of the same event. Alexithymia is one of the reason why.

           How does Invalidating Environment  make a mother feel? The "Invalidating Environment" theory sows distrust and dissension with the people who love the person the most, who do not give up. Here are some quotes from TARA family members on how the theory of invalidating environments makes them feel
To make the decision, with loving anticipation, to make a life and bring a child into the world and then to think that the child grows up and wants to kill themselves because of you (you didn't give them a sweater when they said they were cold or made them eat carrots when they said they didn't like them) is beyond hurtful.
    The thought of my child in so much pain that they want to end their life   because of me and what I inflicted upon them compounds the pain of helplessly seeing the child suffer. You feel helpless, feel as though you are a bad human being.
When you are looking for support, when you bring your child to a clinician for help, the very community that you looked to for compassion blames you, tells you that you need parenting skills and then pathologizes your family. This serves to alienate the families from both the mental health world and society and from their own family members and friends.
     The result is depression, despair, confusion, and helplessness. It knocks the ground out from under a parent. It does not give you the strength to fight for your child because, indirectly, in a sanitized way, a "professional" is telling you "you're an incompetent, horrible human being."
The concept of "an Invalidating Environment" is harmful because it naturally drives a wedge between children and their parents, the very parents that they need to help them emotionally and financially.

If you are an adolescent or young adult who is told that the principle cause of your misery, drug addiction, eating disorder, self-injury, binge drinking, social isolation, etc. is an invalidating environment, you will be furious with your parents!  And if your parents did cause such misery by raising you in an environment that caused you so much harm, you SHOULD be furious with them.
         For a person with BPD a "normal' environment" can be misconstrued as an invalidating environment.  :)ue to the structure of their brains, people who suffer from BPD experience their environment as one of constant threat.  Since people with BPD have a strong negativity bias, the slightest sigh or micro facial expression can be misinterpreted as proof of a negative reaction or rejection. Therefore, even with the best of intentions, any environment can be perceived as invalidating to someone with BPD.
        If invalidating environment cause BPD, mothers should develop BPD from the invalidation they receive from their child and the clinical community. Mental illness is a problem within the person that is genetically and neurobiologically based. Anyone can have a disturbed child. Anyone can have problems managing the problems a BPD child presents to a family. Intolerant and blaming attitudes towards families make matters worse. Inappropriate advice from clinicians worsen family relationships (tough love, boundaries, etc.)

Bravo to all the mothers who do not give up, who keep searching for help, for ways to repair the relationships with their troubled child, who keep on giving.

Enjoy your Mother's Day with my sincere wish that I have alleviated any guilt which you do not deserve.

Yours truly,

Valerie Porr,
President/Founder TARA4BPD

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beady]

Thank you so much for this. I did not receive any acknowledgement this past Mothers Day from my undiagnosed daughter, as I expect many of you did not as well. And with Fathers Day tomorrow, I expect it will be the same for my husband. The words you have shared from TARA are absolutely what we needed to hear. We do not need any more blame or judgement. I expect that sometime in the not too distance future, a genetic anomaly will be found that contributes to BPD. Much like cold mothers were to blame for many years to be the cause of schizophrenic children, until research proved otherwise. I have a schizophrenic son. I have examined my role in my children's lives, and concluded I did all that I could to bring them up with love and guidance. I believe that any person who reads or posts on these boards are here because they love their children, and will always love them.

[Gorges]

Perfectly explained.  I want to add that their environment also includes this absolutely crazy world they are exposed to on the internet and just plain old TV.  I was reading a funny David Sedaris article last night about the completely inappropriate things he saw on on tv (they are gross and I won't go into it) but it amazing me that any child is turning out "normal" in this environment.  The highly sensitive ones are exposed to this and struggle.  Lehman didn't have iPhones and snapchat when she made her theories.   

[mggt]

EXCELLENT ARTICLE  Thank You  

[wendydarling]

Hiya Yep

I second mggt, beady, gorges  excellent, so very helpful of you to share, thank you. And timely to post here on  Fathers Day, here in the UK and I believe in the US - happy fathers day, and all guys where ever you are - great guys!

I read-re-read this most nights in bed, sometimes just a paragraph of comfort   it's helped my understanding of my DD, that she is unique, she is as ever beautiful as the day she was born.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128777.0

WDx

[Violettine]

<3

[dubiousraves]

Thank you for writing this! It speaks to exactly what our experience has been with the mental health community. May I share your letter with my therapist and my daughter's therapist?

[Rockieplace]

Oh I can so relate to this wonderful message. 

I have scrutinized the past and my behaviour and, for sure, I didn't always get it right, but, unlike my own mother and father, I tried so hard to be sensitive to my daughter's feelings and to meet her needs. Her father, my lovely and very supporting husband, did too.  I now believe that we both tried too hard.   My mother (my father went AWOL early on) had no feelings of guilt about her parenting and I didn't expect it of her.  I knew I had to manage on my own and was determined to be as independent as possible. 

Now I know that my daughter is indeed to be pitied.  I love her so much and frequently despair at what her life has turned into.  However, I absolutely agree that the environment of introspective, me, me, me internet saturation has played a role in her demise and also the use of drugs.  She probably had a sensitivity to start with but how many of my generation may have had the same sensitivity but weren't exposed to these factors which have had such a catastrophic effect on many lives - and not only those suffering from BPD.

The love pours out of these pages of posts.  I realize there must be adult children with BPD with neglectful, invalidating parents, but I don't think those parents are posting here!  I remember one of the few times I felt I really got through to my daughter.  She stood before me with a look of total disparagement and hate and said 'Mum, do you love me?'  I just said 'I have to love you so much just to put up with you!'  And it was and is true!

[wendydarling]

Hey RP   so glad you posted, to hear from you feels so good

What I'm learning here is VP touches us all in some way - inclusive - as we all learn here BPDdx is broad and while our challenges are unique, we can help each other move forwards on our journeys.

Thanks Yep!

WDx

[Mumsy]

Thank you for this letter.  It perfectly describes the anguish and misunderstanding and pain I have been feeling with my own daughter who blames me for every single thing that is wrong with her life.  She has literally broken my heart, even though I have never stopped loving her.  She’s turning 32 this month, and we’ve been financially supporting her while she was going to school and working to give her a step up and a safe place after two dui charges and possibly jail time.  Money has been given, support, but it just gets destroyed.  She decided that I have caused her mental illness, but she has been smoking drugs, quit work and school.  She blew up at her boyfriend and then me.and moved out and threatened to burn the house down.  I just can’t do it anymore.  Thank goodness I have good friends and family and neighbours.  She’s blocked me from any communication, and I’m going to just leave it at that.   I just can’t do this anymore.

[Roisin]

Thank you for that most needed letter. I have experienced these horrific biases with “ professionals “. I now refer to it as the spitting wooden nickels experience. When professionals do not have the answers to the complexities of a child’s mental health issues the projecting it onto the parent begins. Refrigerator moms 102 & now BPD has its own guru. Of course she finds the family environment to be the problem, she’s herself has BPD. There is even a major debate amongst professionals in the field as to if BPD is actually a disorder or a cluster of symptoms. Meanwhile as parents/ caregivers we are left to deal with a young adult who is not functioning as one & the entire family unit suffers profoundly.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LDBC1C2]

I feel so seen by this post and o see it is very old so I don’t know if anyone will read this. I’m heart broken, sad, hurt, al the things. I tried my best to raise a very difficult son, now young man. We went through various, Drs, schools, counselors, in patient treatment, court, Juvie and finally prison for a couple years. When he got out I thought our relationship and his mind were doing better. Long story short after I gave him a place to live, spent all my savings on him, supported him until he got on his feet he has now decided I was abusive to him and I never wanted him and until I apologize for so much he will never have a relationship with me.  None of it is true or even makes sense and I’m so lost and sad.

[Jane13]

I know this post is from Mother's Day, and now it's July, but it's so reassuring, so thank you. Like many moms here, I didn't get an acknowledgement of Mothers Day. I spent that day ruminating on my mistakes and wondering what I could have done differently. If we'd had the resources we have today I could have worked harder at validating my daughter's feelings. But 20 years ago we were less worried about children's feelings and more worried about creating responsible citizens. At least in my community we were. I think social media use is worsening problems for BPDs. TikTok and Instagram are full of posts glorifying victim talk and encouraging young people to go "no contact" with their parents if the relationship causes them any stress. 

[Hope55]

I know this post is from Mother's Day, and now it's July, but it's so reassuring, so thank you. Like many moms here, I didn't get an acknowledgement of Mothers Day. I spent that day ruminating on my mistakes and wondering what I could have done differently. If we'd had the resources we have today I could have worked harder at validating my daughter's feelings. But 20 years ago we were less worried about children's feelings and more worried about creating responsible citizens. At least in my community we were. I think social media use is worsening problems for BPDs. TikTok and Instagram are full of posts glorifying victim talk and encouraging young people to go "no contact" with their parents if the relationship causes them any stress. 

   I haven't been on this account in awhile, but about five months ago my 28 year old daughter went no contact, and I'm pretty sure it's because it's because she sees "no contact" glorified on TikTok and Insta and decided to hop on board that train. My heart is broken. After all we've been through and how many times I think we are moving forward only to take many steps backward is so heartbreaking. I am so so exhausted and now struggling with massive depression, guilt, and I am grieving what I (most likely) will never have with her. Our relationship will never be as close as I wish it could be, but thought we finally got to a fairly good place. (She lives on the opposite side of country from me, so mostly phone calls with the occasional in person visit.) She didn't contact me or my 84 year old mom on Mother's Day, and doesn't respond to me at all anymore. I've tried not contact her too often - only about once per month - because at this point, why? After years of therapy for her, therapy for me, for truly what was not that abnormal of a childhood, I don't know how to "be" with her at all. Every word or action for me is a potential landmine. And yet I so desperately love her, wish the best for her, wish we could laugh together. Right now I am so depressed at the loss of her, and nobody gets it. I hide it, tell people she's doing great (she is working and seems happy otherwise.) I know I'll get through this and figure out ways to exist without this mother/daughter relationship I want so so badly. And I am happy she is doing well; all I ever wanted was for her to be happy. I am grateful for that for now. But this hurts. And I know I'm not supposed to say this - while her teenage years/young 20s were hard and we were not perfect parents, nothing so awful ever happened that I thought she would stop speaking to us. I guess I am wondering since this post is older, how did you all get through no contact, and are things any better for you now? How did you cope?

[Brightbluesky]

Hi to Hope 55 and anyone else reading this.
My daughter is 33 and I feel completely broken as I am writing this. After years and years of extremely challenging behavior patterns similar to what others have written about on this forum,  she recently told me I have created unrepairable emotional damage in her life and she does not want a relationship with me. I am in a complete state of grief.

Yet my other two children feel they had an amazing upbringing. It is just so hard to comprehend and equate. She has had by far the bigger part of me both emotionally and financially, so I would completely understand if my other two children felt aggrieved, but they seem to understand I was trying my best to make her happy. Her behavior obviously affected them both too, which is something I find very hard to deal with.

Our estrangement is affecting my mental health so badly. She once said she would talk to me if we had a Psychotherapist present. It took me a very long time to find someone who was prepared to take us on as a family, but I eventually found a lady who would try, but when I contacted my daughter to tell her, she then told me she hadn’t got the head space for it. When I went back to the therapist to tell her what my daughter had said, she told me she fully expected that would be my daughter’s response. The therapist explained to me that people with BPD do not cope very well with a neutral therapist in a family or group situation, as they cannot regulate their emotions well enough to be able to cope with the slightest thing that may be said that doesn’t completely fit in with their own narrative or thought process. I had pinned so much hope on going to the therapy sessions as a family, but unfortunately I had to accept that it was never going to happen.

My situation got worse when my daughter had a baby. I have very limited contact with my granddaughter which is another level of complete heartbreak.
The pain is unbearable and I feel I am in a never ending cycle of grief. I honestly think it is worse than someone dying. At least there is closure when someone passes, whereas this grief just gets worse and worse as the years go by. I sometimes think the grief will kill me, and some days I feel so overwhelmed and sad, that I silently wish it would.

My heart goes out to each and every one of you going through this trauma.
I read a quote from a mother in the book Walking on Eggshells for parents. She said she felt she was in an abusive relationship that she was not allowed to leave. And that she would not accept this behavior from any other person on this planet. Those of you who have read the book may remember it.
So why do we not walk away? Instead we continue to try, opening ourselves up to more and more emotional batterings. The simple answer I suppose is because we love our children more than anything.
I so miss the times when my daughter had a break in her clouds and was a joy to be with. The times when she has made me things that showed she must of loved me at some points in her life. This is the person I want to remember, and I try not to think about the person who for the most part can’t even share the same air as me.
Try to stay strong all of you, I say this even though I am not doing very well at staying strong myself right now. I know that I can’t say anything to make it better for any of you, but just know you are not alone.
I suppose we have to try to remember we did the best we knew how, and this is not something we can fix.
Signing off as a completely broken mum

[Brightbluesky]

[

[anon3232]

I feel so seen by this post and o see it is very old so I don’t know if anyone will read this. I’m heart broken, sad, hurt, al the things. I tried my best to raise a very difficult son, now young man. We went through various, Drs, schools, counselors, in patient treatment, court, Juvie and finally prison for a couple years. When he got out I thought our relationship and his mind were doing better. Long story short after I gave him a place to live, spent all my savings on him, supported him until he got on his feet he has now decided I was abusive to him and I never wanted him and until I apologize for so much he will never have a relationship with me.  None of it is true or even makes sense and I’m so lost and sad.

I am so sorry to hear that LDBC1C2. It always breaks my heart to see parents ripping their hearts to help their kids just for them to spit in their face

My parents are also prepared to blow a lot of money on my sister (with BPD, 30+) to get her set in life. My other siblings and I had to convince them not to overdo it and leave the bulk of their money to themselves. Ultimately, they are adults and need to learn to be self-sufficient. If they keep on being bottomless blackholes, they will suck you in with them. It sucks to lose 30+ years of time, financial, and emotional investment but sometimes you just have to let go or sunk cost mentality would kill you.

pwBPD often blame abuse from parents and it's not helped by those professional websites that often associate their condition with childhood abuse. Many of these people are born from loving family.

[Hope55]

Hi to Hope 55 and anyone else reading this.
My daughter is 33 and I feel completely broken as I am writing this. After years and years of extremely challenging behavior patterns similar to what others have written about on this forum,  she recently told me I have created unrepairable emotional damage in her life and she does not want a relationship with me. I am in a complete state of grief.

Yet my other two children feel they had an amazing upbringing. It is just so hard to comprehend and equate. She has had by far the bigger part of me both emotionally and financially, so I would completely understand if my other two children felt aggrieved, but they seem to understand I was trying my best to make her happy. Her behavior obviously affected them both too, which is something I find very hard to deal with.

Our estrangement is affecting my mental health so badly.

Hi Broken Mom - Your post was much more eloquent than mine. I relate to much of what you wrote. Big hugs to you and I hope that one day we will have something meaningful with our girls. I have a son who was also affected by all of this, but also understands what we were trying to accomplish with his sister (happiness).

I have hope, but I revisit every small parenting mistake I ever made and wonder what I could've done differently to have helped her. (What is now called "radical acceptance" but it is hard to want to parent and guide plus "radically accept" decisions or behavior that you don't agree with and feel you need to teach them that perhaps those decisions/behavior are not good for them or their happiness.)

Big hugs and I am working day after day to keep myself emotionally afloat in the hopes that one day she comes to me and says, "Let's work on this mom." I hope that happens for all of us.

[Hope55]

Hi Broken Mom - Your post was much more eloquent than mine. I relate to much of what you wrote. Big hugs to you and I hope that one day we will have something meaningful with our girls. I have a son who was also affected by all of this, but also understands what we were trying to accomplish with his sister (happiness).

I have hope, but I revisit every small parenting mistake I ever made and wonder what I could've done differently to have helped her. (What is now called "radical acceptance" but it is hard to want to parent and guide plus "radically accept" decisions or behavior that you don't agree with and feel you need to teach them that perhaps those decisions/behavior are not good for them or their happiness.)

Big hugs and I am working day after day to keep myself emotionally afloat in the hopes that one day she comes to me and says, "Let's work on this mom." I hope that happens for all of us.

[Brightbluesky]

Hope 55

I have also been on that journey of revisiting every parenting mistake I could of made. But we have to try to remember we have been good parents. Unfortunately, we would be in the same situation we are in now no matter what we did or didn’t do, whether it be right or wrong.
I feel every bit of the pain you are feeling, it is just so tough isn’t it. You say you are trying to keep emotionally afloat, it is a very good way of describing it. I always say I feel I am desperately treading water to stop myself from drowning.
I also hope one day our daughters come to us, I really do.
Big hugs to you.