Parenting rant

[Alayne]

So, so frustrated, and I know it's coming out as invalidating. Husband spent today quietly sniping about how hard it is raising our 18 mo old son. This included suddenly becoming tired and needing a two hour break before nap time to recover. (He's psychosomatic and just as reluctant to admit it or consider help.). They had some awesome moments and a lot of power struggles where our son "just won't do what we want him to do." No kidding, Sherlock.

Our son is not autistic or anything like that. He did develop motor skills much more quickly than language. He hits when frustrated. He gets hangry. He wants what he wants. He can be loud.

I'm trying not to be a fixer, but he'll ask me explicitly what to do and then argue. And truthfully? I don't always know. I'm a first-time mom with mild prior child care experience. I do observe our nanny to get ideas, talk to my mom and sister for advice, read mommy blogs, experiment, and flat out Google stuff. I've encouraged him for weeks to set boundaries and not do things just because our son wants to (I mean, we all do - but he pushes until he gets overtired). He's finally started - but that process is slow and takes some tantrums. I've made suggestions of observing our excellent nanny, who rarely has these issues. He's brushed it off. I've tried modeling what I think are good examples of parenting, but he will still tell me that he couldn't do what I clearly just did.

It's okay to be frustrated as a parent. It IS frustrating. I know that. Hell, I feel it. I know he's stressed by the upcoming pregnancy and because I can't do as much at home. He adores his son and is an involved, fun father better at connecting than I am. And I can't shake the fear that he's going to melt down, that this isn't normal husband/wife parenting woes and growing pains, that our son's tantrums aren't being taken as invalidating.

tl;dr - my worries that my BPD could melt down due to parenting are making me extra defensive and consequently invalidating when he brings them up. I'm trying not, but I'm lucky to be 50% successful right now. Also my inexperience and insecurity on this topic leave a lot of room for error that I'm reading things correctly, which makes it that much harder to apply my new coping skills. Sigh.

Keep on swimming.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

He adores his son and is an involved, fun father better at connecting than I am.

This doesn't jibe with everything else you said. What is your core frustration here? Is it that he gets to be "fun parent" while you feel that you are doing all of the work?

[Alayne]

This doesn't jibe with everything else you said. What is your core frustration here? Is it that he gets to be "fun parent" while you feel that you are doing all of the work?

Ah, wasn't the post absurdly long enough as is? He's an undiagnosed, high functioning BPD. I wouldn't be with him, let alone have married him, if he weren't wonderful 90% of the time. It's easy to forget on those 10% days, though... .

[MrRight]

I saw quickly that my wife (pwBPD) was much more clued up on how to raise a child than I was. I had no idea - I would have been that dad that would say - if he wants it - give it to him. But seeing the sense in what she was doing - and the results - I was on board 100% with her strategy.
It felt great to take him to the school trip to the zoo, see him well behaved  when many kids were screaming to their parents I want this or that - and oh all right - just this once then. Yes I realised then her parenting skills were superior to mine. But then I'm a rational person - non BPD - unlike your husband.

Children will get confused if they dont perceive a unified parenting model in both parents. the alternative is a chaotic upbringing.

[Alayne]

That is an awesome division of labor! I'm really, really bad at "fun".  My husband loves rolling and tossing and will spend forever carrying our son around while saying words and sounds and pointing out objects.  It's hard watching him be unnecessarily sad and frustrated over all of this - not to mention what you brought up about the conflict in parenting styles.

Funny update: I got so mad at him last night that while he tried to rage and ST, I Googled "18 mo old tantrum" and read aloud the first Q&A that came up. He brought the advice up thoughtfully twice today. There's a first time for everything, I suppose.

(PS: Happy Father's Day!)

[Alayne]

Argh.  Argh argh argh.

Despite us clearly discussing, ":)on't commit to having another child if you don't really want one", husband went ahead and has made not so veiled snarky comments ever since. Things like how I was the one who wanted to get pregnant, he was just there, ha ha just kidding. Right. He also spends too much money, imo. It's not completely crazy, but bad decisions have put his retirement at risk.

Anyway, that background set, our latest conversation spawned by HGTV:

Him: Why would you have four kids? Kids are so expensive.
Me: Mmhmm.
Him: It annoys you when I say that.
Me: Hm. I guess it does - it makes me think you value stuff over your family.
Him: How can you say that? They are expensive. I want our kids to have nice things and to raise them right. What are those kids [on the show] going to have? I don't know why I'd expect us to be on the f-ing same page on anything.
Me (so annoyed because I know he's being disingenuous, I hate this attitude, and I'm dying to JADE) Well, thank you for explaining your side.

[shortly later]

Him: So you think I hate our kids.
Me: No, I know you love our kids. I also believe you resent them - and that's a hard place to be because it's not black and white.
Him (in tears): They're our kids. I'll always love them.

[this morning and, oh, he's been in a mood]

Him: So you basically think I hate all of our children.
Me: No, I think you love them and you resent them.
Him: It's not their fault. It's mine.

Sigh. At least he opened up, I know. But argh. He won't do anything to address the underlying resentment. He's letting it fester.

[Sunfl0wer]

Wonder what would happen if you switch it up on him, go to him for advice?
Like, hey dear... .our kid had such fun doing xyz with you, I tried the same but it didn't go as well, wonder what you did can you show me?

Maybe treating him as if he is competent, and put him in a helper role as tho you see him as a good support, could help him act the part, and send the message that you both rely on him and need and value him?

[Alayne]

Wonder what would happen if you switch it up on him, go to him for advice?

I've had success with a few caveats:

1.  I have to mean it. He has a lot of that BPD perceptiveness and can catch on if I'm faking it to manipulate him (which I hate doing anyway).

2.  He has to be on the right track.  I'd been struggling in this case because he also has a  "I'm unique/special/superior" narcissistic BPD streak. He's projected that to our son. It's hard for him to believe that, as cool and special as our son is, some of his behavior is typical for his age and has known parameters. Asking him for help would have left me accepting wildly wrong answers.

[MrRight]

I've had success with a few caveats:

1.  I have to mean it. He has a lot of that BPD perceptiveness and can catch on if I'm faking it to manipulate him (which I hate doing anyway).

2.  He has to be on the right track.  I'd been struggling in this case because he also has a  "I'm unique/special/superior" narcissistic BPD streak. He's projected that to our son. It's hard for him to believe that, as cool and special as our son is, some of his behavior is typical for his age and has known parameters. Asking him for help would have left me accepting wildly wrong answers.

I said before how I realised my wife has more parenting sense than me. How I let her make all the decisions. But there's a danger in that. By passing control to her - I invalidated my own possibility to persuade her at time when her judgement was wrong. She had the attitude - I've always been correct - either though motherly instinct or better knowledge - gained in childhood for example from her own mother. So she was good at many aspects of parenthood in the first few years - but I began to see flaws in her decisions. When I challenged her, if the flaw was serious enough I spoke up - she became hostile, ruling me out. She was manic about ensuring he always had the correct number of proper meals a day - if we were out for the day she would go crazy if he didnt get his vitamins and calories etc - thinking there would be irreversible damage if he missed one meal. And she never would accept that a meal should not be eaten directly before exercise. I had to watch the poor boy eat a big snack before he went swimming - and food would be coming out of his mouth in the pool. My only hope would be if she found an internet article on this and accept the authority of the internet writer but not me. But it would be no good me finding an article to prove my point - I tried that and she became even more hostile and started using the boy to prove she is the authority not to be challenged.

Sorry I needed to clear this up - yes she was great in many respects and he seems to have survived - but sadly my input and opinions have been marginalised and subordinated.