Introduction

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After I posted this is "Saving a Relationship That is In or Near Breakup," I realized I probably should have posted in improving a relationship. Sorry.


Well, hello, everyone. I have been married for nine years--involved for ten--to a man, who has been diagnosed with everything from schizophrenia to borderline to Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.
I am certain he has aspects of both borderline and narcissistic personality disorder. He can be pretty darn mean and volatile. Complicating the issue is he definitely has something going on neurologically. He has great difficulty understanding how credit cards work, the nuance of language, and body language cues. Or sarcasm.
I am not willing to leave him for a few reasons. First, I attempted to do so several years ago, and he declined immediately. The decline included his running naked in the yard, peeing in the bushes, and hurling racial epithets at the neighbors. Second, because of that behavior, I don't know what would happen to him if I were to leave. In addition, I don't know what would happen to me. I'm retirement age. I'm not about to start my life over.
The third and final reason, I'm not willing to leave is because of the age difference. Leaving would be too much like abandoning my child. I feel an obligation to provide a home for him, if I'm able.
Okay, so here's what I need from the community: I am working with my coach to disengage from the drama. What I need to do is focus my energy on who I am, not who he is, or not who I am in relationship to him.
The truth is he's very ill. I don't think he'll get better. I need to build my own life separately from him, so, in essence, is I want to stay physically where I am but move emotionally. If that makes sense.
 

[toomanydogs]

After I posted this is "Saving a Relationship That is In or Near Breakup," I realized I probably should have posted in improving a relationship. Sorry.


Well, hello, everyone. I have been married for nine years--involved for ten--to a man, who has been diagnosed with everything from schizophrenia to borderline to Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.
I am certain he has aspects of both borderline and narcissistic personality disorder. He can be pretty darn mean and volatile. Complicating the issue is he definitely has something going on neurologically. He has great difficulty understanding how credit cards work, the nuance of language, and body language cues. Or sarcasm.
I am not willing to leave him for a few reasons. First, I attempted to do so several years ago, and he declined immediately. The decline included his running naked in the yard, peeing in the bushes, and hurling racial epithets at the neighbors. Second, because of that behavior, I don't know what would happen to him if I were to leave. In addition, I don't know what would happen to me. I'm retirement age. I'm not about to start my life over.
The third and final reason, I'm not willing to leave is because of the age difference. Leaving would be too much like abandoning my child. I feel an obligation to provide a home for him, if I'm able.
Okay, so here's what I need from the community: I am working with my coach to disengage from the drama. What I need to do is focus my energy on who I am, not who he is, or not who I am in relationship to him.
The truth is he's very ill. I don't think he'll get better. I need to build my own life separately from him, so, in essence, is I want to stay physically where I am but move emotionally. If that makes sense.
 

[wendydarling]

Hi toomanydogs 

Welcome to bpdfamily, we have moved your intro to the improving board  That's a lot you are dealing with, I'm glad you're working with your coach in focusing on you, your personal development, detaching from the drama    How's it going, what are you working on at this time to help you emotionally move forwards?

We are here to help you 

WDx

[toomanydogs]

Hi Wendydarling,
   I am working on muscle memory, so I'm intentionally working on filling the spaces in my brain with positive thoughts about myself--my kids, grandkids, my weight loss, my writing, my animals (including too many dogs). I just increased the amount of time I'm seeing my coach from once a week to twice, until I can get those parts of my brain rewired, so to speak.
    I'm also developing a file cabinet of automatic responses, so when he says "this," I say "that," so I'm not engaging in the drama.
    I'm also having friends over and my kids and grandkids. I'm also getting a lot of exercise, including 3 1/2 hours of mucking manure on Sunday.
    I had been using a mantra of "It's out of my control," but that wasn't working well, so because I'm a writer, I'm now using, "My life is fodder for my work." That helps.
   I've lost 20 pounds since March. That helps.
   I've worked, for the past 10 years, on developing a relationship with my father-in-law, and that work seems to have paid off, as we've been talking more lately and discovering we are really on the same page when it comes to my husband.
   What has been very very difficult is that my husband has triangulated what used to be a good network of support. He had a caregiver, a psychiatrist, and a therapist. He called the caregiver a "c**t," and so she no longer provides direct care.
   That was the beginning of the triangulating. I believed and still believe as does the caregiver that my husband needed to apologize and/or take responsibility for what he'd done. His psychiatrist said that we needed to get used to the word, so it wouldn't bother us.
   That was the beginning of the triangulation, and it has gotten much worse. The psychiatrist, without my permission or prior knowledge, contacted my coach: once, the psychiatrist sent a copy of an email I'd sent to my husband. A mean email to be sure, but not uncommon in a marriage. The second time, the psychiatrist contacted my coach was to ask my coach to intervene because I no longer wanted to have team meetings with the psychiatrist and therapist.
  That has been very difficult. Because of the psychiatrist's actions with me--actions I reported to the medical board--I worry about ethical behavior with my husband.
   So that's where I am. I'm doing a lot right. I've got a lot coming in, and it takes energy to maintain stability.
   Thanks for listening!

[Skip]

The truth is he's very ill. I don't think he'll get better. I need to build my own life separately from him, so, in essence, is I want to stay physically where I am but move emotionally. If that makes sense.

How is this going? How does your relationship look different?

[toomanydogs]

How is this going? How does your relationship look different?

Hi Skip,
  I have to admit I am impressed with myself. I have carried through with jump starting my life with the help of my coach/therapist. I have posted on these boards and have gotten help from different members, especially Form Flier & Baby Ducks, both of whom have challenged me to articulate what I mean and, at times, get to see things from a totally different perspective.
  The relationship is dead for me. That required very little on my part other than discovering a few things about my H, including a video he shot of two teen age girls swimming in our pool. Although the content wasn't sexual, the title was, and it was horrifying, as was the voiceover, which was a conversation he and I'd had. Pleasant conversation; however, when I left, he said with a great deal of viciousness: "FU (my name), you f***ing c***, I'll get you yet."
  The fact that I had absolutely no inkling anything negative was going on means I can't rely on my perception of him, which means I am not safe around him.
  If he files for divorce, I think he'll need to get his father involved because his father is trustee of the trust and would need to be involved. As of right now, my FIL is not in contact with either of us. So, for now, I remain where I am physically, and I have moved on emotionally. All concern right now is for myself and my own safety.
  Thanks!
TMD

[Skip]

What is different in the day to day?

[formflier]

As of right now, my FIL is not in contact with either of us. 

If this is his choice, then there is not much you can do about it.

I would advise you, given the seriousness of this situation for all involved, to reach out the to FIL directly.  A couple of times.  At some point I would likely advise a certified return receipt letter.

For now... .I'll add some questions.

How often are you in contact with FIL?  How long does it usually take him to respond?  Any other times of NC?  Do any other NC times correlate to times with "issues" have flared up with son?

Do you know what kind of trust is set up?  Have you seen the documents?  Do you have copies of them?

While I don't claim to be a trust expert... .I am a trustee and it just so happens that my "light reading" for the afternoon is to read the trust section of a particular state's general statutes in order to get an informed list of questions for an attorney.

I'm considering creating a "testamentary trust" in this state as part of a certain family members will.

It will make for a lovely afternoon of reading... .I'm sure.   

 Here is my point, in many states a trust is registered or monitored by the clerk of court or other authorities.  Some trustees have to give an account of their "trusteeship" every so often. 

Given your situation, it would behoove you to understand as much about the trust as possible.

There may be a pathway, if the trustee is not communicating, to access the trust via the clerk of court, or other governmental authority.  I would have to imagine any such access would be a ponderous thing.

You have a lot on your plate, I've just added a bit more.  No rush to sort out the trust today.

I would push you to reflect on and answer Skip's question today.  Even more interesting might be the "quick answer" you give right now... compared to the "I'll think about that and get back to you in a few days... "

I'd challenge you to give both.  Part of us helping you "get where you want to go" is to figure out "where you are right now".  Your answers will help us sort that out.

FF

[toomanydogs]

How often are you in contact with FIL?  How long does it usually take him to respond?  Any other times of NC?  Do any other NC times correlate to times with "issues" have flared up with son?

I had been in fairly regular contact (2x per month or so) until the end of July. My FIL has now set his phone so I can't call him. I can contact him through his office, and I can write him. His going NC correlates directly with issues that have flared up with my H. My FIL is primarily a money guy. That's easy for him. The emotional life is much harder.

Do you know what kind of trust is set up?  Have you seen the documents?  Do you have copies of them?

Yup, yup, and yup. He has an irrevocable trust. When I filed for divorce in 2009, my FIL changed the trust, updated it to fill in loopholes that would have made my getting my prenup money easier.
I have seen documents; I have copies, and I have spoken with attorneys about the trust. One of the things that has been most concerning and I've mentioned it to my FIL is that should my H die before I do (possible given the choices he's making lately) there is no provision for me, and it would be wiser for me to divorce him.
Other issue is the house. It's owned by the trust. My H has moved out and has told me I can have it, but it's not up to my H, he's the beneficiary of the trust, and he can't give me the house, my FIL would need to do that.

 Here is my point, in many states a trust is registered or monitored by the clerk of court or other authorities.  Some trustees have to give an account of their "trusteeship" every so often.

The trust is governed by the laws of a different state, but I sign all the tax returns and know that we are sent a letter regarding the trust assets, so that we can file taxes.

Given your situation, it would behoove you to understand as much about the trust as possible.

There may be a pathway, if the trustee is not communicating, to access the trust via the clerk of court, or other governmental authority.  I would have to imagine any such access would be a ponderous thing.

You have a lot on your plate, I've just added a bit more.  No rush to sort out the trust today.

I know. My first concern is my safety. Whatever happens re: the marriage will happen.

I would push you to reflect on and answer Skip's question today.  Even more interesting might be the "quick answer" you give right now... compared to the "I'll think about that and get back to you in a few days... "

I'd challenge you to give both.  Part of us helping you "get where you want to go" is to figure out "where you are right now".  Your answers will help us sort that out.

FF

As always, FF, you've given me a lot to think about. I am now about to let security into the house. Will catch you all in the morning.

TMD

[formflier]

When you get time... .tell us about the divorce in 2009 and the pre-nup.

If you divorce and only the pre-nup rules... .are you ok?

Is it a pre-nup or a "post nup"?  Did you update it after the divorce filing, which I assuming was dismissed since you are married.

FF