Absolutely amazing to me

[Emotions]

It's absolutely amazing to me how I can still have a craving to be with my ex. It's been over a month since we split up... .I constantly desired for more free time when we were together. Now that I have it it's like I have completely forgotten that concept, and how I really felt when we were together. Anxious most of the time, and when things were good it's like I was so grateful that she wasn't in a bad mood. Is that the best it would get? Constant grass I see greener mentality. I am trying to find my center... .Iwhe. I do find my center I like myself alot more and feel calm. I get to go to an all you can eat buffet with my dad on Father's Day and I am thankful for that, but I cant get my chemicals to FEEL anything. I guess every other day I get a couple hours a night of feeling some sort of relaxation, so that's good. But it's hard work, like I have to analyze my ex, why she did this and that all day just to get to my relaxation point. I have faith that it gets better with each day, but I could use a mental vacation. My dad once said, "the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone" referring to getting a new girlfriend... .so finding a replacement is kind of wise on the BPD's, but I am thankful that I get to learn the emotions after the breakup (I'm trying to convince myself anyway) so that I never treat someone this way. It's agonizing, but I believe it will make me better once through it. HOW CAN WE GET THROUGH THESE THOUGHTS? I need to look why I feel like after all she has done to me, good and bad, how can I want someone who is with another person and doesn't think of me? What is my problem? Why can't I find someone else to think about? Well until the real thing comes along, I guess I have to think about me and what I like in life. I have faith the passion will soon follow. I have to believe it because it's the only way out of this mess, unless I find someone else beautiful inside and hopefully outside as well.

[roberto516]

It's absolutely amazing to me how I can still have a craving to be with my ex. It's been over a month since we split up... .I constantly desired for more free time when we were together. Now that I have it it's like I have completely forgotten that concept, and how I really felt when we were together.

Amen my friend. For the first two weeks after I had left to just get some breathe and refocus myself I felt amazing. I felt like I had gained my life back. Then I foolishly asked her if she wanted to hang out after 2 weeks of her asking me. It's when she turned the tables. Now what I did want (time for me) is not what I wanted. At times a part of me would rather be sitting on her couch on a weekend afternoon while she slept thinking "Geez I wish we would go do something." because it was more comfortable and she was near me. Now apparently she is also out doing all these things when with me she didn't want to do anything but take naps and go to bed at 8 pm when I was around. Not sure what to make of that. Maybe keeping busy to numb the emotions?

Anyway, back to you. I agree 100% that it would be easier just to find someone new. Anyone for that matter. But the journey you are going through is going to be far too valuable for yourself in the long run. Next time you go outside just take a look at "normal people" and think truly whether any of them have any insight into who they are. How many of them truly grasp and embrace their feelings. Even the spiritual yoga, meditation people probably have no awareness about "who they are". If I have to put a positive spin on this it would be that by going through this and really feeling feelings it makes each and every one of us a rare specimen on this earth. And that's something to be really proud of. It means you are strong.  

And the reason you might be struggling to get the thoughts out is because of the bond/addiction that really does form. There's a good chance aside from the dopamine addiction we all developed during the idealization phase that there is also some trauma bonding that could have gone on. So chemically, it's just not that easy to let go. A heroin addict knows all the reasons they shouldn't use. It destroys their families, jobs, legal trouble, potential to overdose and yet they still go back. It's comfortable for them. It takes the pain for a brief moment before more pain comes, and then they do what they have to do to make the pain go away.

Someone once made a link as to why addicts continue to use. It was actually a recovering addict who said this to me. He said when he used it was like "being wrapped in a warm blanket with a hot mug of cocoa sitting in front of a fire while a blizzard raged outside." During the good times of these relationships I assume we all felt that way. Now we are out in the blizzard and so desperately just want to feel snug and secure as it was during the good times. It will just take time to see that we can provide our own blanket, cocoa, and fireplace to warm us up on those days.

[jambley]

Someone once made a link as to why addicts continue to use. It was actually a recovering addict who said this to me. He said when he used it was like "being wrapped in a warm blanket with a hot mug of cocoa sitting in front of a fire while a blizzard raged outside." During the good times of these relationships I assume we all felt that way. Now we are out in the blizzard and so desperately just want to feel snug and secure as it was during the good times. It will just take time to see that we can provide our own blanket, cocoa, and fireplace to warm us up on those days.

great analogy.

[Emotions]

Awesome reply Roberto! That made me feel good and inspired. Yes when this chemical bond lifts, I will be a strong loving and self knowledgeable person. I can't wait for that, but I guess I should also be grateful for this journey. I have met some amazing people on the way. Wink wink... .keep inspiring others brother, it really does help! Time for my dinner with my dad, and I have a little passion too thanks to your encouragement. Peace out BPD family, I'll be on later tonight.

[Emotions]

Thanks for the analogy jambley... .I agree it's cold out in this blizzard, slowly I will build an igloo so that I can avoid the blizzard, then once the blizzard goes away I will get a nice place and light that fire... .peace

[Helplessly]

These stories are all so similar.  I too sat on the couch watching her, stoned thinking I wish she was more active.  We would make plans to go out and decide to stay in from fatigue.  I was helping her through some physical ailments that were looking more and more like self manifested.   I loved getting away for some time to myself.  It was boring.

Now I'm longing to sit with her.  I would give up every minute.  It's selfish of me.  I feel like I let her down in 23 ways.  But there were reasons I think; I refused to plan a vacation with her (this was the crusher).  But I was afraid because I didn't know if we would break up from day to day.  When I read these statistics about recycling more than 5 times I chuckle.  We broke up every few days.  She would cancel entire weekends based on a fight.  I too would break up with her and come back.  I never knew the status.  After Christmas I think I was making an exit plan.  It wasn't a question of "if" we would break up, it was "when."

Now seeing her with a new, more attractive guy, I have regrets and only myself to blame.

[roberto516]

These stories are all so similar.  I too sat on the couch watching her, stoned thinking I wish she was more active.  We would make plans to go out and decide to stay in from fatigue.  I was helping her through some physical ailments that were looking more and more like self manifested.   I loved getting away for some time to myself.  It was boring.

Now I'm longing to sit with her.  I would give up every minute.  It's selfish of me.  I feel like I let her down in 23 ways.  But there were reasons I think; I refused to plan a vacation with her (this was the crusher).  But I was afraid because I didn't know if we would break up from day to day.  When I read these statistics about recycling more than 5 times I chuckle.  We broke up every few days.  She would cancel entire weekends based on a fight.  I too would break up with her and come back.  I never knew the status.  After Christmas I think I was making an exit plan.  It wasn't a question of "if" we would break up, it was "when."

Now seeing her with a new, more attractive guy, I have regrets and only myself to blame.

This is something I think we have all struggled with. I believe this to be the truth though. If we had done everything "right" would it have truly mattered? Remember, we are humans too. Eventually we would have disappointed. Eventually we would have done something or said something to make them feel the abandonment. It was really a ticking time bomb. Combine with that we are humans who felt a deep connection to someone and wanted to share our emotions with them. Again, not something that was easily accomplished if at all.

When she kept asking me to move in and split the bills I knew I could have made it work somehow. But a part of me was very hesitant. Deep down I knew "I don't think this person is right for me and I don't want to pour money into something that is going to end up having me regret doing so much."

At times, i believe we all had an exit plan. Honestly, I know I was formulating one for quite a while. But it's still normal for the longing and the regret. But I challenge you to really think about it. If you were still with her how would you feel? Honestly. How would we all feel? Probably less depressed and hurt than we are. But it would have still been the slow draining of life, self-worth, and peace of mind. Just would have continued to drip out instead of the band aid being ripped off and now the blood is really flowing.

Just my two cents.

[Helplessly]

Roberto your words are filled with more wisdom with every post.  I don't know.  It appears as though I have a high tolerance for emotional pain.  I probably could have continued indefinitely.  Other issues came into play.  There was no way I could admit to my family that I was back with her.  They saw, firsthand, the manic behavior, a breakdown, and the devastation in my soul.  They don't judge, ever.  But I reached out to them and they supported me.  Only recently did I admit to them that I went through the whole thing again and wound up suicidal.

It's hard.  I saw her Friday for a bit.  Kept boundaries (new guy).  I didn't beg or try to recycle.  If she's with someone else that's the last shred of pride I have left, thank God.  But her medication (anxiety, depression and I don't know what else) has her in such a smooth place.  I've never seen her so collected.  Gaining healthy weight.  Prettier than ever.  I feel like I missed out on the best of her, which would have equaled the best in us.  Like maybe we would have brought the best out in each other. 

Please remind me that any imbalance in the medication could be a disaster and I'm only seeing things through the wrong lens.  Please.

[IsThisThingOn]

It's absolutely amazing to me how I can still have a craving to be with my ex. It's been over a month since we split up... .I constantly desired for more free time when we were together. Now that I have it it's like I have completely forgotten that concept, and how I really felt when we were together. Anxious most of the time, and when things were good it's like I was so grateful that she wasn't in a bad mood. Is that the best it would get? Constant grass I see greener mentality. I am trying to find my center... .Iwhe. I do find my center I like myself alot more and feel calm.

I'm right there with you. I'm a little over a month into the split with my expBPD. I try and tell myself I dont crave her but the truth is I do. Sometimes more than others but regardless there is always a low level feeling of craving. When we were together I was always looking for "alone time" and now that I have it... .I cannot for the life of me enjoy it. I miss my partner in crime/my best friend.

Now what I did want (time for me) is not what I wanted. At times a part of me would rather be sitting on her couch on a weekend afternoon while she slept thinking "Geez I wish we would go do something." because it was more comfortable and she was near me. Now apparently she is also out doing all these things when with me she didn't want to do anything but take naps and go to bed at 8 pm when I was around. Not sure what to make of that. Maybe keeping busy to numb the emotions?

I found myself scrolling up to see if I had already replied to this post when I read this.  In my situation, our couch was the spot we spent endless hours on together. Binge watching shows, reading books, talking, her taking a nap, eating "celebratory meals" ... .it was where we sat for 13 hours straight on the first day we spent together upon meeting just talking and learning about each other. We used to say it was the couch we fell in love on. The couch we'd never be able to get rid of because of how it was there that our love story flourished into something so great. So beautiful.

It was also the same couch I would be banished to sleep on when she was raging on me and I was no longer allowed to sleep in bed. It was the same couch I'd sit on as she'd rage on me for whatever I did wrong that day... or that moment. I guess it depends on whether or not she was going through a pretty serious up and down moment. It was the same couch that (if you read my last post) she cried and told me she missed me and how being apart was so hard. Where she begged me to spend the night but I insisted it wasnt a good idea to just jump back in. That was the last time we shared a kiss or any type of real intimacy at all. It was unfortunately the night I was given false hope that maybe, just maybe, she was seeing the clarity again.

No matter what "bad" was associated with that couch... .the good outweighed the bad. Or maybe we chose to make it seem that way and so it was.  Sometimes I get so insanely sad missing that couch. Wanting nothing more than to be back on that couch, her legs draped across my lap as we relaxed watching TV or as she napped. Miss looking over at her and seeing that smile. Her staring back at me. Miss the long talks or the moments shed flip herself around so we were face to face and I held her and kissed her. She always said it made her feel safe. Comfortable. Sometimes I'd hold her for hours as she napped on me in that position. Uncomfortable or not. It was our couch.

That, I think, has been one of the hardest things to wrap my mind around and move past.  It's hard work... .each day gets a little bit easier. I dont miss it less but I think I understand what happened on that couch more. Maybe thats what counts.

[Roselily]

Hello emotions... I think what you are experiencing is very normal if this person is truly on BPD spectrum. 1 month isn't that long ... to get over over another person, especially when the relationship is difficult. Some people on the board you will learn suffer long term perhaps due to individual sensitivity. Look at the videos, and learning material offered here in the site, it has a tremendous effect once a non realises what has happened, and draw support from members here. Be patient with yourself, and take 1 day at a time. Hope that helps some...