All to familiar

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been in my relationship for 10 years now.  I've been able to define my wife's emotional instability for 4 years.  My stepdaughter is turning 16 and the turmoil has been high the last year.  Recently our neighbor who we share a duplex with contacted the landlord because she can hear every fight that goes on in the house and especially in my daughters room.   I am one who likes simple clean answers so feeling overwhelmed right now. My wife is a very private person and is not seeking therapy.  I'm not sure if I should clue in the neighbor to fact that we're dealing with a disorder.

[Trapero]

I've been in my relationship for 10 years now.  I've been able to define my wife's emotional instability for 4 years.  My stepdaughter is turning 16 and the turmoil has been high the last year.  Recently our neighbor who we share a duplex with contacted the landlord because she can hear every fight that goes on in the house and especially in my daughters room.   I am one who likes simple clean answers so feeling overwhelmed right now. My wife is a very private person and is not seeking therapy.  I'm not sure if I should clue in the neighbor to fact that we're dealing with a disorder.

[Stepmom2Matt]

Hi Trapero.

Sorry you're having a rough time.  I think things tend to escalate when the children start having their own opinions... .I know tensions have been high for my SS during this period.

I think the fact that your neighbour has made the step of contacting the landlord means she is very discomfited by the noise that's going on next door.  I know that as a neighbour I would at least want to know that things are "Okay".  If your wife is not diagnosed and does not acknowledge a problem, it might not be a great idea to mention that specific thing to your neighbour.  But you can perhaps apologise for the noise and discomfort, and mention that your wife is a bit highly strung, and that your daughter is hitting adolescence and that emotions are running high.

It MIGHT help you neighbour to process things a little easier if you make contact and reassure her that you have things (Mostly) under control.

Good luck!

[Trapero]

Thank you for the thoughtful response and good advice.  I can't tell you how helpful it is to have someone provide a little clarity and support when overwhelmed.  Have you mailed my neighbor and hope that we can work through this.  Thank you step mom to Matt

[bunny4523]

Trapero,

I would agree and not inform the neighbor about the possible disorder.  It is scary and confusing for us, an outsider could really have a difficult time putting the disorder into perspective. 

Is there a room in the house that you all can agree to have these discussions in? that would be less close to the neighbors ear... .
We used to do that when my boys were teenagers.  I would tell them if they wanted to discuss this we could discuss it in the living room.  Usually that helped calm things down a little as they walked in that direction.  I even went as far to say, if your going to yell like this... .lets go for a drive.  That way it was removed from the neighbors but only do that if you think it's safe.  I'm not sure how intense the arguing gets in your home. 

I would personally address the complaint with the neighbor like Stepmom recommended... .just let them know you are working on it and to let you know if it continues.  Do you have a good relationship with your stepdaughter?  You might want to have a one on one with her to see if she is willing to do her part to not yell and escalate the problem.  She will need to learn tools/techniques on how to deal with her mom as time goes on.  Is the daughter aware of the emotional deregulation?

Hope that helps and good luck!

Bunny