Evaluating my situation, recovering from exhaustion

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

I have been reading some of the more recent posts to get an idea of some options that might fit my situation. It seems like both Daddybear77 and Prof have situations that are similar to mine. I had sort of hoped to read their discussions and benefit from the contributions from others. But I have to confess that some direct dialogue with members of this board would feel good.

I was slowly making some progress towards establishing and enforcing boundaries with my partner. But then she injured herself and has needed care over the last six weeks. This has meant that the exhaustion and weariness that I was slowly recovering from came back with a vengeance. I have spent quite a bit of time trying to arrange basic rehab and therapy services for my partner when not assisting her myself. I suppose I should mention here that she injured her leg when she slipped. So most of the time she is in a wheelchair. She did have surgery and is recovering from that.

I was seeing a therapist for a while and we did walk through some of the basics about both codependency and BPD dynamics. I took a break to try instituting some of the strategies my therapist suggested. This was about four weeks before my partner's injury.

I guess one of the difficult things is that the caretaking I was providing (... .and other codependent activities) was starting to decrease--and I was seeing the consequences of that. A lot of unhappiness was expressed towards me, followed by accusations of seeing other people, while doing shopping or other activities away from home. But once the injury happened, I had to step into the caregiver role. I hope I'm using these terms correctly.

Over the past 6 weeks my energy has been depleted even further. While I'm tending to bedpans and bandages, she'll tell me that she wants to talk with me. She frequently says that I don't ever make time to talk with her. So I tell her to go ahead. The discussion then centers around how little time I spend with her, questions about why I've changed so much, and the same questions from before about abandonment and which signs of love are legitimate in her eyes.

 I have suggested a number of activities that would be possible given her injury. I have asked her to think about them and choose one for us to do. Instead it seems like available  time during the day is spent on discussing why I don't have time to talk with her. Then the same topic comes up at night when I'm quite tired and... .and so I do enforce my limits until the next day. ( I'm even writing this post during a moment when she is making a few medical-related phone calls. I'm probably expected back any moment.)

I gave the idea of leaving the relationship some serious thought during the prior months and I guess the last couple of years. There have been situations involving pills and threats of suicide. Now all of the talk from her about whether we even have a relationship has made me privately think about it more. Whenever she considers the idea it means a lot of grief for me such as numerous voicemails about why I'm so selfish or why I won't quit my job or... .

I see my therapist again this Friday.  In the last few days, I tried a phone-in CoDa meeting.  But I still feel very alone.  Thank you for reading this.

[Jim579]

Hi,

I have been reading some of the more recent posts to get an idea of some options that might fit my situation. It seems like both Daddybear77 and Prof have situations that are similar to mine. I had sort of hoped to read their discussions and benefit from the contributions from others. But I have to confess that some direct dialogue with members of this board would feel good.

I was slowly making some progress towards establishing and enforcing boundaries with my partner. But then she injured herself and has needed care over the last six weeks. This has meant that the exhaustion and weariness that I was slowly recovering from came back with a vengeance. I have spent quite a bit of time trying to arrange basic rehab and therapy services for my partner when not assisting her myself. I suppose I should mention here that she injured her leg when she slipped. So most of the time she is in a wheelchair. She did have surgery and is recovering from that.

I was seeing a therapist for a while and we did walk through some of the basics about both codependency and BPD dynamics. I took a break to try instituting some of the strategies my therapist suggested. This was about four weeks before my partner's injury.

I guess one of the difficult things is that the caretaking I was providing (... .and other codependent activities) was starting to decrease--and I was seeing the consequences of that. A lot of unhappiness was expressed towards me, followed by accusations of seeing other people, while doing shopping or other activities away from home. But once the injury happened, I had to step into the caregiver role. I hope I'm using these terms correctly.

Over the past 6 weeks my energy has been depleted even further. While I'm tending to bedpans and bandages, she'll tell me that she wants to talk with me. She frequently says that I don't ever make time to talk with her. So I tell her to go ahead. The discussion then centers around how little time I spend with her, questions about why I've changed so much, and the same questions from before about abandonment and which signs of love are legitimate in her eyes.

 I have suggested a number of activities that would be possible given her injury. I have asked her to think about them and choose one for us to do. Instead it seems like available  time during the day is spent on discussing why I don't have time to talk with her. Then the same topic comes up at night when I'm quite tired and... .and so I do enforce my limits until the next day. ( I'm even writing this post during a moment when she is making a few medical-related phone calls. I'm probably expected back any moment.)

I gave the idea of leaving the relationship some serious thought during the prior months and I guess the last couple of years. There have been situations involving pills and threats of suicide. Now all of the talk from her about whether we even have a relationship has made me privately think about it more. Whenever she considers the idea it means a lot of grief for me such as numerous voicemails about why I'm so selfish or why I won't quit my job or... .

I see my therapist again this Friday.  In the last few days, I tried a phone-in CoDa meeting.  But I still feel very alone.  Thank you for reading this.

[Jim579]

That introduction was rather long.  Sorry.

I'd be interested in knowing if anyone here has started to reduce their enabling (i.e. unhealthy) energy in a BPD relationship--only to have a sudden need to provide legitimate caregiving.

I don't feel as if I can say "no" to the latter, but the battles with the former have greatly worn me down.  I'm having a hard time knowing how to get through this.

Thank you for reading.

[Helplessly]

The short answer is "yes."  But... . 

I have to start by saying that I can no longer be certain that my ex gf was BPD/HPD.  She exhibited symptoms and had clear anxiety related issues.  Many splits.  Trashed me then loved me.  Crossed boundaries during fights.  This caused a cycle of me distancing myself from her early because something was "off."  She sensed this and tied to leave.  Because of her looks, charm, kookiness, intelligence, and skills in bed, I begged for her back.  I was right where she unknowingly needed me to be in order to satiate her need to fill the voids of her traumatic upbringing.  I look back and have so many regrets.  Should I have dove in head first when she wanted a firm commitment and a key swap?  Should I have moved in with her and her cats?  Knowing that it was a home that my grown kids wouldn't be comfortable in when visiting?  There were so many instances where my brain pulled back or withheld based on simple instincts.  I ruminate every minute of every day about the things I would change to treat her tender little heart differently.

Moving on... .she suffers from scoliosis of the spine.  She has titanium rods in her back.  For the entire second half of our 18 month relationship I chalked up her often abusive behavior (trashing my car interior with leftover food, motherf--king me and my daughter, name calling, etc... ) to either... .(A) her battle with varying degrees of back pain.  (B) the things I did wrong from the beginning. or (C) Her upbringing.  HATES her mother and blames her mother for her father's death.  Her father was paralyzed neck down from M.S. her whole life.  Classic enabling. 

After a devastating breakup/recycle this past Christmas where words were exchanged that I would be embarrassed to repeat, I came to the conclusion that I need to find a pathway out of the toxicity.  Whether it was her, me, or a combination.  By this point I was exhibiting BPD traits... .fear of abandonment, EXTREME insecurity.  I became the person she was in the beginning.  I decided to STOP enabling and make a move, any move, to get away.  I was scared but I felt my mental health declining and I was lying to friends and family.   THEN... .

In February we both got hit with devastating bronchial infections.  Her first.  She's a heavy smoker so she wasn't recovering very quickly at all.  I recovered in two weeks.  She was still sick.  We took care of each other and there was some semblance of what we considered love.  There was some peace.  I didn't have to enforce boundaries. 

She got worse.  Out of nowhere she started exhibiting physical symptoms.  Drop foot.  Tingling.  Cramping.  Stabbing pains.  Urinary incontinence.  Vomiting.  Vision abnormalities.  She got scared.  It was the apparent beginning of an M.S. scare.  I instantly went into legitimate caregiver role.  I held her. Massaged her.  Cooked for her.  Helped make Dr. appointments.  reassured.  Listened. Cried.  Promised I would never leave her side.

As my earlier posts indicate, one trip to the neurologist and she was sent to a psychiatrist where there was amping up of anxiety meds and other things I'm not privy to.  In April, she's out drunk and stiffs me for hours on her birthday, and proceeds to dump me when confronted.

My mistake was sticking around in friend mode continuing to help.  She never asked for help, I just did it hoping she would see that I'm a decent human being (narcissistic helper) and would give things another go.

I then watched a new romance blossom between her and a local celebrity bartender on Instagram.  She was relatively merciful about it and held me crying one day, explaining that we DID break up in April.  She's right.

The last I spoke with her, her symptoms have not subsided.  All physical ailments are ruled out, which according to her makes M.S. a real possibility.

Codependent is not enough to describe what I became. 

Keep to your boundaries regardless of what your SO needs in terms of caregiving.  I've seen old nurses treat elderly and the sick with what I once thought was rudeness and impatience.  I now see that they just weren't tolerating any bullsh-t

 

[Jim579]

Hi Helplessly,

Thanks for writing back. 

That sounds really tough.  I'm sorry you went through that.

One of the current things I'm struggling with is where to set boundaries.  I was starting to place them at certain points before her injury ("Can you get a bottle of water on your own?"  "I need to stop talking about these topics by 10pm.".

But some of those seem hard or unfair to enforce given her limited mobility.  I don't want to be cruel.  When conversations have turned into acrimonious arguments (and I've stated where/how long I'll need to stop), the Running Away criticism has been levelled at me--with extra anger because she can't follow me.

One possibility is to move away to be closer to family (I have none here).  This is the first time I've considered such a major change.  There's also that larger question about Running Away--is the advice elsewhere on this board (don't run away) meant to discourage ending a relationship?  I just feel so drained.

[Helplessly]

Hi Helplessly,

Thanks for writing back. 

That sounds really tough.  I'm sorry you went through that.

One of the current things I'm struggling with is where to set boundaries.  I was starting to place them at certain points before her injury ("Can you get a bottle of water on your own?"  "I need to stop talking about these topics by 10pm.".

But some of those seem hard or unfair to enforce given her limited mobility.  I don't want to be cruel.  When conversations have turned into acrimonious arguments (and I've stated where/how long I'll need to stop), the Running Away criticism has been levelled at me--with extra anger because she can't follow me.

One possibility is to move away to be closer to family (I have none here).  This is the first time I've considered such a major change.  There's also that larger question about Running Away--is the advice elsewhere on this board (don't run away) meant to discourage ending a relationship?  I just feel so drained.

[/quote

Yes I had a message pulled down for telling someone to run. It was the wrong forum for such advice.

But what good are you to anybody, most importantly yourself, if you keep draining?

[Jim579]

The question about being able to function, while drained, is a good one.  It's one of the main issues that's led me to this Conflicted status.

One of the confusing things right now is how to evaluate some dynamics that have continued after the injury, such as:

--requests for help, and tantrums that call everything into question if they're not met. 
Various requests existed before, because of chronic back pain issues.  But I began to understand that I was overdoing it and started to pull back.  Now that walking itself has been put off limits for awhile, am I being unreasonable?  I suggest that she wheel out to the kitchen (mostly a straight shot) if she needs something from her mom's fridge.  About five feet would have to be covered via walker.  Or ask her mom.  Response: I'm not supposed to use my walker.  My mom forgets what I asked for or she grabs the wrong thing.  My thinking:  Long periods on the walker is what the physical therapist was concerned about; yes, you might have to ask your mom twice.  Result:  I'm called selfish, I'm told that plenty of time exists for me to help with these matters, old issues regarding time/level of assistance are brought up.  Lots of yelling, voicemails and/or text messages if I don't come over.  Usually I come over and help with various tasks at least twice a day.  Sometimes for a 2 or 3-hour stretch if we're just hanging out.

--discussions about old stuff that rapidly get unpleasant.  Example:  "It's not fair that you always run away when I try to talk with you.  You don't ever listen to me.  You know that I can't chase after you.  You're taking advantage of my injury."  Response from me:  Wait, we're talking right now.  I hear you.  When did I run away?  (Two weeks ago.) And what brings this to mind now? (I've just had time to think.)

The overall premise seems to be that I'm being cruel or selfish if some element of her injury is not enough to get me to come over (or stay longer).

It's hard to think straight sometimes and to know if I'm actually expecting too much.  I'd be grateful for perspective and feedback.  Thank you.

[toomanydogs]

Hi Jim,
  I have been establishing much firmer boundaries about since February, and, as in your situation, the going has been quite rough.
  I get drawn back in to enabling my husband because in addition to the BPD or NPD, he has a neurological problem that makes it difficult for him to think straight, and, as a result, if he's trying to set up appointments for himself, or if he's trying to talk to the cable company, he gets confused. And when he gets confused, he gets abusive, so my justification has been that I might as well step in before he's alienated even more people.
  It sounds similar to what you're going through.
  I think that, if you're able, insisting that she get her mother to help or that she wheel herself to get water or whatever from the fridge seems reasonable and important for you to do.
  Regarding discussions about old stuff: my husband does this as well, and with the help of a coach, I'm learning to extricate myself by first changing the subject and saying (and this is by rote), "Hey, honey, I've got a million things to do. I love you." And then I leave. Frequently, he calls me back and is now angry, and I repeat that I love him and tell him I'll be back when he's feeling better.
  It is very hard, and right now I am, like you, bordering on exhaustion. I've been having nightmares. Luckily, today I meet with my coach.
  I hope things get easier, Jim.
Toomanydogs
   

[AnuDay]

Jim,
These relationships take a lot of energy, probably more energy than you are willing to or can give right now.  Your BPDgf will despise you during the times you cannot feed her energy.  There's no way getting around that. 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Jim-
I'm really sorry that you are feeling like you're in the quicksand right now.  It sounds as if you were finding some clarity around setting boundaries and then BOOM, into the vortex of a tornado!

I'd like to say, Jim... .getting stronger about boundaries, and weighing your options about staying in or exiting a relationship, any relationship, would be your decision alone.  Even a deeply caring co-dependent  CAN come to the realization that he/she would like a different life.  That can be said.  It doesn't mean you're "running" from anything.  We ARE allowed to exit and walk TOWARD something different than what we've been in.

I'm spiritual, but not religious, however I read something brilliant earlier today.  How I WISH I could remember whose post it was.  At any rate, the crux was about trying to get the BPD partner to quiet down by a certain hour at night so the non could get some rest.  The Religious advisor set a rule that after 10PM, the BPD could speak ONLY to GOD  (i.e. read her bible or her journal).  Absolutely brilliant.  Will that or some adaptation of that work for you?

Jim, I believe you will regain your footing.  Please believe in yourself.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Jim579]

Dear TooManyDogs, AnuDay and GemsForEyes,

Thank you very much for your thoughtful and kind replies.

I would have responded sooner but I've been caught up in the day-to-day events.  In the household that is. Would that my attention could be spent on all of the exciting political news lately!

Yes, TooManyDogs, I think there are some similarities. I probably jump in too frequently or try to prevent situations that seem inevitable. Just as you try to help by scheduling appointments, I will speak up if my partner seems to be drifting off, while drinking a bottle of water. It's not completely altruistic. I'm often the one who ends up doing the cleaning of the floor--or the laundry if it's some other beverage.I have tried to find ways around this. I've read about the importance of letting a person face consequences, even if they're just minor ones.  Laundry is unfortunately something she stopped participating in some years ago.  It often feels like a no-win situation.

Yesterday we tried to make it to an important appointment she made about six months ago. The original attempt to have the current issue diagnosed happened a year ago. Yesterday was the first chance to get some answers but it required a 4-hour drive. Unfortunately holiday traffic and road construction doubled or tripled the delay time. Just over halfway there, it became apparent that we wouldn't get there on time. The best the clinic could do was to reschedule two months out.

Even when it seemed likely that we get there with plenty of time, I found myself on the receiving end of a lot of criticism from her. The same kinds of things; that I didn't listen to her... .as I'm listening to her.  That I don't take her seriously... .as I'm responding and trying to clarify what is making her unhappy. 

Sorry. This wasn't all directed at you, TooManyDogs! I was just thinking of how the attempt to make life easier can sometimes go awry, despite one's best intentions.  After yesterday's marathon session in the car, I just think I'm ... .pooped.

AnuDay, I think a lack of energy is one of the key issues that makes me question my current position. The extended expressions of dismay and blame for so many things just wears me down and wipes out any lasting feelings of optimism, let alone joy. Sometimes I'm criticized for apparently making everything her fault. Even if I've  never mentioned fault or responsibility or blame or "look what you did, "  her complaint is that I'm blaming her. or that I deny everything. which starts to get into that fun territory where disagreeing with her is proof of her point.I just don't want to spend so much time debating.

GemsForEyes, thank you for clarifying this point. One of the criticisms I often face is that I run away when she wants to talk. This evening she said, "... .and therefore you're abandoning me, the very thing that I am the most afraid of."  Even my attempt to say "We can continue talking after a break" was not met with any kind of satisfaction.  The distinction between a break and abandonment, if it was ever clear, wasn't acknowledged. Sometimes it seems like the attempt to reassure and comfort her is not worth the effort.  If she seems too understand a clarification or a point that I made, she switches to a different topic of contention.  It's kind of crazy-making. I don't mind, all things being equal, trying again. Maybe once tempers have calmed down or after one or both of us has gotten some sleep. But a break seems obviously reasonable and quite distinct from abandonment.  If I were to leave the relationship, it would be for the sake of walking towards some kind of internal peace. My insides get too jangled up after several consecutive days of this kind of thing.  Some of the self-care suggestions my therapist have has given me are simply not possible in this environment.

GemsForEyes, I like the idea about only talking too God after 10 p.m. !  I would be fine with her talking to friends on the phone as long as she wanted to.  I just would like to call a break to the discussion, without being accused of walking away, not hearing, running away, not respecting her, etc...

Phew.  Bye for now.

[Jim579]

I just thought I would add a postscript here.

I did see my therapist 2 weeks ago. I'm glad I went. From the inside of my head, there are times where I can't imagine that talking to anyone would help. Isn't that sort of funny? Especially to express that on this forum. Of course, I have found posts from others and replies to my own situation to be very helpful in these last few weeks.

Anyway, it had been a few months since I had last seen my therapist, due to limited availability and some planned vacations. it was also worth trying out some of the strategies we had discussed.

Just in case it helps anyone else, I thought I would post a few key points that my therapist made during our session.

Just mentioning the idea of ending the relationship felt a bit traitorous. But it was eventually a big relief to express this possibility and just my own line of thinking to my therapist. She was very supportive and could see the anguish stored up. And I also felt like she was a relatively neutral listener. That is, a couple of friends have given their input when I've asked them, but it's important to me that they're not just "yes men."

Regarding day-to-day struggles, she suggested taking small steps towards preserving various chunks of time: such as asking my partner's mom if she could help with a couple of regular tasks, i.e. "it would help me work on some important house projects if you could prepare ice packs twice a week. How do you feel about that, Mom?"  Regarding some of the help I provide as far as driving, since my partner cannot use her right foot, look into insurance options. Sometimes they will provide for rides to doctors appointments and other transportation needs.

During this time when I'm actively considering a change and whether it is the right change to make, take some small steps myself in that direction, to see how they feel. Specifically, identify and even pack up something that I would take with me.  As I work on this, which would help with sorely-needed organization anyway, I can see what feelings come up and if they suggest which direction to go.

If I decide that I do need separation, let my partner's therapist know as soon as possible. Ask for an opinion of how to proceed, given the BPD condition. Make it about me.  "I feel that it's important for this to be planned. I am not just going without giving any notice."  That I need her guidance, in confidence, and also so she can prepare my partner for a change to whatever extent that's possible.

As far as informing my partner once/if I've made the decision:  three weeks to 4 weeks maximum notice, presented as a fait accompli. It's respectful to be clear.

How am Igoing to feel if I make this decision? Decide the value of leaving this behind.

That's what I was able to jot down during my session. I found it invaluable to be face-to-face with my therapist and have another appointment established in about 2 weeks.

Best,

Jim579

[formflier]

Jim579,

It seems you have a therapist that is guiding you well. 

Big picture:  Put on your own oxygen mask first!  That means taking care of yourself.  If that means enlisting help of family or other ride options... .do that.  Even if you don't think you need it right now, better to have tried them out and are confident in how the system works.

I applaud you for the boundaries of not discussing things late at night.  (Did I read your post right?)

I'm interested in your thoughts on how you could expand your boundaries to "rescheduling" the other discussions she wants to have.  Especially discussions about how bad you are, you never talk... .etc etc.

Can you give us an example of how you enforce a late night boundary?

Can you think through how you might word/do boundary enforcement during the day and share that with us?

I'm encouraged by what I've read that there is likely more hope in your situation than you currently see.

Looking forward to helping you take your r/s to a healthier place.  Your partner is lucky to have you providing care.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

If I decide that I do need separation, let my partner's therapist know as soon as possible. Ask for an opinion of how to proceed, given the BPD condition.

Hey Jim, I question whether it's such a good idea to let your partner's T know before you tell your partner, if that's your decision.  Your partner's T is not supposed to discuss your partner's treatment with you due to patient confidentiality rules.  Plus, I doubt the T is allowed to give you an opinion on how to proceed, unless you are a patient, too.

So you might want to rethink this strategy before proceeding along these lines.

LuckyJIm

[formflier]

Many people try to be compassionate and leave their partner "in the best way possible".   Especially given BPD and the extremes they can go it.

Usually... .those efforts to "leave nicely", tend to be wasted.

Evaluate the mindset involved in this.  Leaving a r/s because of the other persons actions and attitudes is taking care of yourself and a good thing.  That is your decision to make.

It is kind to want another person to feel less pain, but that is not your responsibility.

Simple truth:  There is really no way to avoid the hurt involved with leaving a r/s.  Usually best to communicate clearly and succinctly and go.  "Closure", "explanations"... etc etc usually prolong the pain.

FF

[Jim579]

Hi FF and LuckyJim,

Thanks very much for reading and for your responses.

The late-night boundary language tends to go something like "I can talk for another 10 minutes and then I need to pause here. I have an early day tomorrow/I have not gotten a lot of sleep in the last few days/I need to make sure the pets get their dinner."

As it gets closer to the end of that time (I'm guesstimating) I agree with her points or at least acknowledge them, I say "I hear you" several times I that we can talk about that tomorrow.

Many times this does not work. As the end of the time is drawing near, sometimes extra things get added or the talking gets faster and faster. Occasionally, there will be some sort of bombshell claim that's hard to ignore.  I have read that this can be a deliberate technique to get a person to stay and talk longer. I don't know if that's what's going on here, but I will say "no, I do have to go" and something to the effect of "get some sleep and I'll see you tomorrow."

I'm not sure if I have any idea how to translate this into daytime boundaries, other than laying out the things I have to do. Many times these things are what she's asked me to do, so it's a way of reminding her that I haven't forgotten, and that the things won't get done if I don't start.

I had the same hesitation about informing her therapist. I came across the idea while looking through this website.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

I did ask my therapist about the possible ramifications of this and who is served by this information. She said that I'm allowing her therapist to do her job by helping to prepare her. There isn't any obligation for the therapist to reveal anything about their sessions together. The point, as I understand it, is for her to hear the information I'm giving her and employ it on her client's behalf. I believe that a therapist can give basic advice how about handle an imminent situation, as in "what I generally tell people is... ."

Thanks again for reading.  Happy, as always, to hear what you and others think.

[formflier]

Do it the same way during the day that you do at night.

I would suggest that you "tweak" them both to make it more about you and the importance of the r/s.

"Hey babe... .what you are saying seems really important.  I'm not at my best right now and I'm having a hard time following the conversation.  It would mean a lot to me if we can get together tomorrow and xyz and continue this conversation."

Then go to sleep.

Don't explain it... just state it. 

Don't say I can't because xyz.  Just say I'm tired or I'm distracted... whatever.

Thoughts?

FF

[Jim579]

That makes sense.  I guess I explain it because there are frequent accusations that I do have enough time (to do xyz for her) and that I'm merely being selfish.  Or that xyz "would only take 14 seconds."  I feel compelled to explain that "it's not about the time."

But as I'm practicing the good habits, they're becoming easier to do more often.  Especially if I remind her that I'm working on projects that she had specified as priorities... .which are now my priorities, too.

[formflier]

  explain 

   remind 

Explaining is much worse than "reminding"... .but "reminding" is still not very good.

"Reminding" assumes she has forgotten... .it is unlikely she has forgotten.  She "wants" you to remind her and "gets" a need filled in a dysfunctional way.

Generally speaking, the more you can stay away from reminders and explanations... .the better.

If you "must" explain... .do it ONCE... .succinctly... . 

Often times they will claim they didn't hear... .don't understand... etc etc.  It's usually a ploy for further engagement... in a dysfunctional way.

What are your thoughts on this?

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Especially if I remind her that I'm working on projects that she had specified as priorities... .which are now my priorities, too.

Hey Jim, What are your priorities?  It's not about you placating her by working on HER projects in order to avoid a BPD outburst.  It seems like you're losing sight of yourself and your own life.  Suggest you put yourself first.  What is the right path for you?  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim

[Jim579]

Hi LuckyJim,

It's true.  I have lost my life. 

One of the biggest signs of that has been a dwindling of self-chosen pursuits.  I moved to my current location partly to be with her and partly to continue on a career path I had started.  This area of the country has been hit hard by the changes to my occupation, so I've made concessions and gradually moved to other, tangentially-related work. 

As time has gone on, hobbies that involve others have been viewed with jealousy by my pwBPD.  And, unfortunately, her own participation in the household and outside of it has decreased.  A few recent situations have shoved the shortness of life into my face, and looking back in time, it's very hard to identify any "good times."

Which is why I'm Conflicted or Deciding About a Relationship.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Jim,

It's easy to get isolated in a BPD r/s, which is dangerous because, if you're not careful, you can lose all perspective.  Certainly I did.  My suggestion: Be yourself; pursue your hobbies and interests; reach out to friends and family; get back to your "self-chosen pursuits."  You'll catch flak for doing it, of course, but this is about you.    I suggest a return to authenticity.  Be who you are.

LuckyJim

[Jim579]

Thank you, LuckyJim,

I really appreciate your encouragement and that from others.

It's sort of funny that the one hobby I picked up again, a few weeks ago, is cited by her as "the only thing" I spend my time on.  I might spend 15 minutes per day on it--or have the materials out in front of me for a couple of hours, maybe once a week, if we're sitting together outside.

The hobby, I think, is an effort to get back to some kind of authenticity.  It's only being done for its own sake, so it can't be compromised.  (Unlike work--in which case I'm working too much, or being too picky about work, or "never letting anything get in the way of work," which gets said if I insist on leaving on time... .).

I frequently wake up to text messages sent to me at 3am that suggest calling it quits.  I'd like to just agree, but I'd like to get further along with identifying (and even packing) some essential items.   

[Jim579]

I suppose I should throw this out there to everyone:

What do I say in response to my pwBPD, if she asks me point-blank if I'm thinking abput leaving?  I am, but am not quite there yet.  I've been "trying on" some minor things, to see how they feel (moving out a couple of boxes, talking to family about options).

I've looked through this site and others, but haven't found any answers to this question.

Asking if I'm leaving has become a common question.  I've always said no, which is the truth.  If the recommended plan for leaving is keeping that plan secret (until important items are removed from the house)... .do I lie, if asked point-blank?

<sigh>  Thank you for reading.

[formflier]

Your operating on an assumption that a question has to be answered.

stay friendly "Oh babe... .I dunno... .gosh... .I haven't given it thought since the last time you asked"

blah blah blah answer it...

"I'll see if I can find time to give it more thought... ."

or

"My thoughts are private until I choose to share them with you... "

"I've answered that question before, it hurts my feelings to continue to answer it."

Basically... .stop "getting on the witness stand" any time she demands it.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

The hobby, I think, is an effort to get back to some kind of authenticity.  It's only being done for its own sake, so it can't be compromised.

Hey Jim, Great!  Keep it up.  Doing things that matter to you is part of regaining your identity.  Suggest you decline to listen or respond to her criticism; let it roll off your back.  My suggestion: spend more time on this hobby!  It's good for you.  LJ

[Jim579]

Thanks, LJ.

Well.  I guess I've made the decision to end the relationship.  Jeez.  I can't even put it more definitively than "I guess... ."

Just got off the phone with her therapist. Just to tie up some loose ends from this thread, on this issue:

--I asked if it was true that I could pass on some information (to her, the therapist) . She said yes.

--I asked if it was also true that I could do so in confidence.  She said yes.

--I said that I planned to leave the relationship and that my own therapist said that she (pwBPD's T) might have some guidance

--pwBPD's T asked if we had talked about this together.  I said, only in terms of a fear she had, that came up frequently.  But not in any particularly serious way.

--pwBPD's T said one option is to come in together and process this news with the T there, as a safe environment.

--This afternoon happens to be her next appt.  I asked if it had to be today--part of me felt that I should reveal ASAP, out of a sense of fairness.  Although it felt too soon.  T said next Friday would be okay.

--I asked about how to respond to a direct question about leaving, in the meantime.  She said that I could say, Yes, I've thought about it--and leave it there.

--She suggested some midweek prepping, only insofar as mentioning that I had an interest in joining her in a session.


Calling her T has been the step I've been contemplating for several weeks.  It all feels very final and scary right now.  I guess I mo e on to the other board now?  Even that change feels too abrupt to handle right now. 

Ugh.

[Jim579]

... .and her T was very warm on the phone and thanked me for calling.  She mentioned that the safe space strategy is for both of us--to avoid a meltdown, and to reduce the risk of cutting, which my p has some history with.  It seems like this conversation was a good choice.

Ugh.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jim,

I admire your courage to make a change.  Of course it's hard and sad.  It sounds like the conversation with your W's T went well.  Safe space strategy for the conversation sounds OK to me.  Suggest you give yourself credit for taking a big step by making that call.  Suggest you take steps to process your feelings in some way, perhaps by: taking a walk, writing in a journal, talking to your T, talking to a close friend or family member, practicing mindfulness meditation, or doing something creative.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[Jim579]

Thank you, LJ, and all.  Your support means everything.