BPD and going off grid, unreliability

[willow89]

Hi all,

I've been a frequenter of these forums for quite some time but decided to reach out to you regarding this question.

Last week I spoke to my ex wBPD for the first time in a while. She is constantly going off grid for days (if not weeks) at a time and I genuinely wished to know why. I asked her if it was anything that I do that causes her to do this with me, but she reassured me that these are patterns of behavior for her and they constantly run through her friendships, family life, etc. I can confirm this and she has told me all of this before as well. We always had a very push/pull dynamic to our relationship. She also said that she has been keeping herself away from everyone and isolating for the past two weeks, I guess becoming a recluse in a way. Due to all of these behaviors, she cannot assure me she will be a constant presence in my (or it looks like anyone's) life.

I was just wondering if this unreliability/isolation is a common trait of BPD itself and if so, what I can do to support her. I already told her that I will give her space and she is free to contact and see me whenever she wishes.

Thanks 

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[Tattered Heart]

I personally do not have experience in this area but my understanding is that disappearing for periods of time is common. It's part of the push/pull behavior of BPD.

[isilme]

I think being unreliable and unable to be pinned down is simply a push reaction to show you that you can't control them, or make them responsible for things.  It's that simple.  If I stay away from you, you can't affect my feelings. 

[SpinsC]

From another angle... .My last t told me he's sure I'm not BPD, but still... .

I do this. It's coming from a place of low self-esteem and a belief that nobody wants to hear from me. It isn't even specific to a person or an action. I just look up from living my life and realize that I've gone 'off the grid' to use your term. This invisibility is how I usually identify that I'm going through another round of depression.

What has helped me break this in the past is involvement, activity and others reaching out to me. Some friends have got tired of reaching out, so I really have lost all contact with them. That makes me the saddest. That, if I'd just reached out to them sometimes, we might still be friends.

It's like I've run out of social energy. The 'social' gas tank is empty. I think I can't fill it myself, so the longer nobody reaches out for me, the longer I feel that I'm stuck in the isolation. Sometimes, I can drag myself out of it, but that hasn't been possible lately. It stinks from this side, let me tell you. I want to reach out, but stop myself, sure that I'm being an intrusion and that the person doesn't care if they hear from me or not. They're busy living their own lives, which is why they haven't bothered to reach out to me.

See how that's a self-fulfilling prophecy? I don't reach out. Others think I've dropped off the planet on purpose, so they 'give me my space'. Meanwhile, I'm so sad that 'nobody' seems to care, but I won't reach out still. If this goes on long enough, either the depression takes full hold and I won't even answer the phone. Or, the depression gives way to anger that 'nobody cares' and I refuse to answer the phone. Such a stupid and vicious cycle.

I see that she is your ex. If you two ended on good terms and are remaining friendly, that's a great thing. On the note of friendship, touch base with her every so often, like every other week. Ask her who she's been out with - let her know that it's not because you're 'checking up on her', but are concerned that she keeps up her other friendships for her sake.

If she's isolating from everyone, it could be depression rolling in. If it's just you, she may need time to sort through her feelings still. This would make me cautious for you in regards to possible recycling of the relationship and/or declaring that your calling her is leaving her more confused than a clean break would have. If you don't see either of these cautions as a problem, then definitely call her every other week or so.

That's my suggestion. I hope it helps.

[isilme]

SpinC,

thanks - this sounds a lot like my H, who is always saying things like, "I don't have any friends," and I have to remind him he DOES, but they have lives and it's not like he calls THEM, and after a few weeks/months of him feeling poorly or not being able to meet up, they stop. 

[holliday_9]

From another angle... .My last t told me he's sure I'm not BPD, but still... .

I do this. It's coming from a place of low self-esteem and a belief that nobody wants to hear from me. It isn't even specific to a person or an action. I just look up from living my life and realize that I've gone 'off the grid' to use your term. This invisibility is how I usually identify that I'm going through another round of depression.

What has helped me break this in the past is involvement, activity and others reaching out to me. Some friends have got tired of reaching out, so I really have lost all contact with them. That makes me the saddest. That, if I'd just reached out to them sometimes, we might still be friends.

It's like I've run out of social energy. The 'social' gas tank is empty. I think I can't fill it myself, so the longer nobody reaches out for me, the longer I feel that I'm stuck in the isolation. Sometimes, I can drag myself out of it, but that hasn't been possible lately. It stinks from this side, let me tell you. I want to reach out, but stop myself, sure that I'm being an intrusion and that the person doesn't care if they hear from me or not. They're busy living their own lives, which is why they haven't bothered to reach out to me.

See how that's a self-fulfilling prophecy? I don't reach out. Others think I've dropped off the planet on purpose, so they 'give me my space'. Meanwhile, I'm so sad that 'nobody' seems to care, but I won't reach out still. If this goes on long enough, either the depression takes full hold and I won't even answer the phone. Or, the depression gives way to anger that 'nobody cares' and I refuse to answer the phone. Such a stupid and vicious cycle.

I see that she is your ex. If you two ended on good terms and are remaining friendly, that's a great thing. On the note of friendship, touch base with her every so often, like every other week. Ask her who she's been out with - let her know that it's not because you're 'checking up on her', but are concerned that she keeps up her other friendships for her sake.

If she's isolating from everyone, it could be depression rolling in. If it's just you, she may need time to sort through her feelings still. This would make me cautious for you in regards to possible recycling of the relationship and/or declaring that your calling her is leaving her more confused than a clean break would have. If you don't see either of these cautions as a problem, then definitely call her every other week or so.

That's my suggestion. I hope it helps.

Thank you so much for this comment. Another person diagnosed with BPD basically explained it to me in the same way, but it's good to see it explained in more detail.
I am struggling with this myself. I don't know whether to let my boyfriend contact me when he feels like it (3-6 weeks down the road ) or keep in contact every couple days to let him know I'm here. He seems to like the contact, but since we are still in a relationship it is killing me that I'm the only one trying. My struggle is with how much to contact him. It takes him hours and maybe a couple days to respond back to me, but he always does. In person he always laments that he should be contacting me more and seeing me more, but then he asks me to go home so he can have "me time". I was suggesting I come over one night a week, but lately he has been cancelling on me and it hurts. It is really pushing me away and leaving my heart open to find other people who will appreciate me more. I think it might be better to keep contact, but let him decide when I should come over. If enough time passes, he drives over to my house at 4 in the morning (45 minutes out of his way) just to spend a couple hours with me before I go to work. I think I just figured out what I need to do for my own sanity whilst also not abandoning him. Thanks again.
Also, mine vehemently denies any depression, but his house is always an absolute wreck and he sleeps A LOT. I went through a depression 20 years ago. I know the signs.