How does the BPD feel after slowly losing custody.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello Everyone,
First, let me say thanks for everyone that replied to my other threads, the insight and support is incredible.  I have a 15 month old son and I filed for custody about a week after he was born. (never married, fell victim to pregnancy entrapment, this is a story for some other time). Anyways a week after I filed for custody my BPD decided to get a bogus PFA which I beat in court more than a year ago.  My custody arrangement started out at only two 4 hour days a week, every week. The mother and opposing side wanted supervised visits and I wasn't going to take that crap so I pressed on with the custody battle.  I was able to get 3 days/2 nights and a 6 hour segment (on a two week rotating schedule) when he was only 4 months old.  I went back for custody last fall and got 3 nights/4days and a 1 night/2days on a rotating 2 week schedule.  In a few months I am going back to court for 50/50 or/then primary.  As I stated in a previous post I live about an hour and a half away from my son and the judge didn't like the distance which is why I could only get so much, anyways I just about secured a job in my son's mother's town and am looking to buy house up there.  How does the BPD feel that she is slowly losing custody, does it affect her or does she not feel emotion/empathy of losing.  

I forgot to mention at this July my 1 night/2 days will turn into 2 nights/3 days according to the order set by the judge.   

[Newyoungfather]

Hello Everyone,
First, let me say thanks for everyone that replied to my other threads, the insight and support is incredible.  I have a 15 month old son and I filed for custody about a week after he was born. (never married, fell victim to pregnancy entrapment, this is a story for some other time). Anyways a week after I filed for custody my BPD decided to get a bogus PFA which I beat in court more than a year ago.  My custody arrangement started out at only two 4 hour days a week, every week. The mother and opposing side wanted supervised visits and I wasn't going to take that crap so I pressed on with the custody battle.  I was able to get 3 days/2 nights and a 6 hour segment (on a two week rotating schedule) when he was only 4 months old.  I went back for custody last fall and got 3 nights/4days and a 1 night/2days on a rotating 2 week schedule.  In a few months I am going back to court for 50/50 or/then primary.  As I stated in a previous post I live about an hour and a half away from my son and the judge didn't like the distance which is why I could only get so much, anyways I just about secured a job in my son's mother's town and am looking to buy house up there.  How does the BPD feel that she is slowly losing custody, does it affect her or does she not feel emotion/empathy of losing.  

I forgot to mention at this July my 1 night/2 days will turn into 2 nights/3 days according to the order set by the judge.   

[takingandsending]

Hey, NYF - sounds like you are making some progress.

I think the response varies. Mama bear responses are pretty common, but in actuality, pwBPD often like having the time away from their kids as their kids stress them out. Some parents fight like hell to exert control over parenting the kids but then never actually follow through with any effort to parent. Others just sort of fade away.

Have you ever read Randi Kreger's Stop Walking on Eggshells? She describes some different types of BPD personalities - waif, witch, king/queen, etc. Seems like the response may correspond a bit to your ex's personality. What has been your experience of her? My xw is predominantly the queen with some waif/victim thrown in.

[Newyoungfather]

I just got done reading the book splitting.  Thank GOD I was never married to her.  When she got pregnant she was trying to force me to marry her, at that time I knew something was up.  Walking on eggshells is my next book I want, I heard from so many people that its a good book.  Knowledge is powerful, know your enemy is the battle half won.

[Thunderstruck]

When DH left uBPDbm (they were also not married) she refused to let him see SD for about four months. She then started "allowing" visitation every other weekend and then every weekend so she could go out. It was a very sucky schedule (SD wanted to spend at least ONE weekend with her mom and would get heartbroken when her mom made promises but then dad showed up to get her). uBPDbm had the majority of the overnights but spend the least amount of time with SD (she would get home from work the earliest at 6pm and SD would go to bed at 9pm).

At the temp CO hearing uBPDbm asked for a random schedule where each day was specified exactly (up through May 2015, what were they supposed to do after that?) and each week was different but it basically equated to DH had every weekend. DH asked for 50/50, a 2-2-5 schedule. The judge chose DH's. uBPDbm was soo angry and sent a nasty gram about how he was ruining SD's life. But since that schedule has been in place, things have been a lot calmer.

uBPDbm doesn't spend much time with SD during her visitation... .SD says uBPDbm mostly sleeps during the day since she works nights or goes out with boyfriends. We have asked uBPDbm why doesn't SD just stay with us but she absolutely refuses and then demands that DH give up his parental rights. It reminds me of a child with a toy... .she doesn't want SD but she doesn't want anyone else to have SD either.

One time when uBPDbm was demanding that DH give up his parental right he mentioned to her hey, you know, you already had full custody and lost it. Her response was "I have lost nothing" and then said that she can't wait until SD turned 12 because then SD would testify in court that she wanted to live with her mom. (I don't know why uBPDbm thought 12 was the lucky number, but SD turned 12 this year and funny enough says she'd prefer living with us). 

[takingandsending]

I look back sometimes at a journal I started after my S11 was born, long before I ever knew or even heard of BPD. It is eerie to see how clearly I could identify all the symptoms but understood absolutely not one bit of it. It seems one of the most damaging things a BPDd/m does to their kids, beyond the drama and yelling/blaming etc., is the absolute lack of connection and interest in being with their children. I wrote:

Wondering
Today, I am wondering what you were thinking when you said that you wanted to have a baby. I am wondering whether or not you understood that you would be needed by a baby that could not hope to survive without your help. Was it a baby that you thought you were giving birth to, or someone to keep you company and dress up like a doll?

Mostly, I wonder why you wanted a baby that you do not seem to want whenever he wants.

[Newyoungfather]

"Was it a baby that you thought you were giving birth to, or someone to keep you company and dress up like a doll?"

Wow this is very deep.  My BPD i think views my son as an extension of herself just like my exBPD did.  God, I hope I get at least 50/50 custody.

[Portent]

One time when uBPDbm was demanding that DH give up his parental right he mentioned to her hey, you know, you already had full custody and lost it. Her response was "I have lost nothing" and then said that she can't wait until SD turned 12 because then SD would testify in court that she wanted to live with her mom. (I don't know why uBPDbm thought 12 was the lucky number, but SD turned 12 this year and funny enough says she'd prefer living with us).  

There is no set age but 12 is the general rule of thumb that courts use. My SB's mother is an upwBPD and she is a real piece of work even worst than my expwBPDW. The woman lied to the court to get full custody an then literally abandoned her kids with family in New York and took off to go live with a boyfriend in Florida. When my SF found out he flew to New York and got the kids took them back home and filed for full custody. When my brothers mother found out she flipped her lid. Flew back and fought like hell lies and all to keep custody. PwPBD do not want to be moms or fathers to their kids they simply dont want the court to declare them an unfit parent. Its the label they are afraid of, same reason they refuse to accept that they have BPD, they don't want to be labeled.

Side note when my brother is talking people who know him know that when he says "my mother" he is referring to his biological mother when he says "mom" he is referring to our mom, my biological mother, who actually raised him.

So on a mothers day I will never forget my brother rode his bike about 10 miles from school to spend mothers day with his mother but she wasn't there. She had gone out drinking with a boyfriend. She came to her home about 7-8pm expecting my brother to be there waiting for his mother to wish her a happy mothers day find that my brother wasn't there. She came to our house about 8-9, mom as SD had left after mothers day celebration leaving brother to babysit me, and she raised holey hell. My brother wouldn't let her in because he was protecting me, I was only 3. She kicked in a window, neighbors called the cops, and I spent the evening in the back of a squad car.

After that my brother was done. He was 11 but very very big for his age, he looked 13-14 and had a good head on his shoulders. He asked my SD to take him to the court. He meet privately with the judge and told the judge that he wanted to live full time with is dad. Judge agreed and granted SD full custody. His mother immediately split the state because there was nothing left to fight for. The only thing she was fighting was to avoid the label. Once the court had decided, she wanted nothing to do with her kids. She barely saw them after that and they were the ones who had to make the effort to go spend time with her. I'm 37 now and my brother is my closest friend and I have not seen her since that night.

I know in the case of my pwBPDexw that her 10 year old is a year maybe 2 away from asking the court to live with his dad. My ex doesn't' even see it coming. She is so deluded she thinks that her kids are so happy with her. They may love her because she is their mother but they sure as hell dont like her.

[Radcliff]

Hi Newyoungfather,

Some of the other posts talk about a mother completely exiting from their child's life.  You haven't said what you think might be ideal for your son.  Reading Eggshells and other books will help you develop empathy for the BP, and understand that they are coping with whatever skills and abilities they have.  It doesn't make everything better, nor absolve them of responsibility, but can help you avoid taking things personally.  More importantly, think about what contributions your son's mother is capable of making to his life.  What role can she handle and what would be the best balance for him?  Having her completely out of his life may not be the best thing; you will have to decide what you think is best.  Kudos for stepping up, and good luck with the journey.  Parenting is hard work, but you won't have a chance to go back and do it a second time.  Your commitment to your son will have a huge payoff for him and for you!