Histrionic Mother and Husband Who Doesn't Understand

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,
My mother is dx HPD (my therapist, not hers) but it all fits.  My sister and I have all the usual problems as children with a HPD parent, but the bigger grief is the way my family does not understand.  She pulls the "poor me" to my daughters so that they are chasing me to spend more time with her, which I don't actually think she wants.  I think she only wants their sympathy.  We are now on vacation with my husband's family at my in-laws invitation.  I begged my husband not to include her, but he thinks I just need to suck it up.  She is whispering to my in-laws God knows what.  I'm falling apart and I look like the problem--again!  How can I draw boundaries with my mother if my family tramps all over them? 

[Swisspeach]

Hi All,
My mother is dx HPD (my therapist, not hers) but it all fits.  My sister and I have all the usual problems as children with a HPD parent, but the bigger grief is the way my family does not understand.  She pulls the "poor me" to my daughters so that they are chasing me to spend more time with her, which I don't actually think she wants.  I think she only wants their sympathy.  We are now on vacation with my husband's family at my in-laws invitation.  I begged my husband not to include her, but he thinks I just need to suck it up.  She is whispering to my in-laws God knows what.  I'm falling apart and I look like the problem--again!  How can I draw boundaries with my mother if my family tramps all over them? 

[Corcha1uk]

I have the same issue.

My wife's family is from Portugal, and so my in-laws keep inviting her for a holiday.

This would be my absolute worse nightmare, as we would argue everyday, with her constantly crying and taking every opportunity to tell everyone her problems, gain sympathy and make me look like the evil son. Alternatively, they would realise how nuts she is, which would leave me humiliated.

I have had to tell my wife to tell her family to please stop inviting her, to the point where I would refuse to go myself. You have to protect yourself more then anything. Sucking it up is not option, your husband has not lived with what we had to, so can not understand how much of a traumatic experience this will be for you.

[Panda39]

Hi Swisspeach,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

It's really hard when you see things and know things that the rest of your family doesn't see.  I'm dealing with a narcissistic boss and I feel the same way you do.  I see a lot of dysfunctional behaviors but in my case they are subtle so my co-workers aren't picking up on alot of it.  It sounds like in your case your other family members have never seen this kind of mental illness so they don't recognize it. 

I'm assuming you've tried explaining it to your husband, maybe you could have him sit in on a session with you and your Therapist?  Your Therapist may be able to give a clearer/more technical description that might get across to your husband or the other thought I had was to get a book or 2 about Histrionic Personality Disorder for him to read.

I think you need to get the message across to your Husband and then the two of you decide how to proceed with your children.

I know from watching my SO's (Significant Other's) daughters how hard it is to have a mentally ill parent, to be estranged and the awkwardness and lack of understanding of others.  Our society has all of these messages... .honor thy mother and father, respect your elders, idealized views of Mother's on Mother's Day, Look a the great relationship I have with my mother posted all over Social Media... .It's tough to have a different reality and experience.  I just want to encourage you to do what is best for you... .be your authentic self. 

Hang in there,
Panda39





 

[SpinsC]

This is a tough situation and I'm very sorry that you are having to deal with it.

This may be where a frank discussion with your husband is in order. Explain how his insisting on inviting your mother puts you on the defensive, making you completely unable to enjoy the vacation. That it also makes you feel very unloved when he acts as if he hasn't heard you at all.

Ask him why it's so important to him to include your mother when he knows that relationship is strained? Suck it up is not an appropriate or loving response. Just because she is your mother does NOT give her rights to hurt you verbally or emotionally.

My sister-in-law is from a culture where the mother is revered. Still, her mother is a difficult woman and particularly nasty towards her only daughter. Whether because she married an American or just because she preferred her sons isn't clear. Still, my brother doesn't ask his wife to 'suck it up' and invite the woman to everything. Vacations are supposed to be relaxing times, my brother doesn't want his wife stressed out, so no MIL allowed (not his mother, not her mother).

I'm so sorry this happened and keeps happening. I hope something we've said helps you make  your case that inviting your mother is NOT the best thing for you and that you shouldn't have to 'suck it up' on vacation.

[Swisspeach]

Former therapist, hence the thread here.  Thanks for all the kind words.  May they get me through the rest of the week until we get home.  I would be grateful for any titles anyone can recommend that have been particularly helpful to "third" parties, i.e. people who have not experienced the effects of HPD first-hand.