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Author Topic: Only Child with a mother with BPD  (Read 577 times)
Corcha1uk

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 4


« on: June 20, 2017, 05:26:51 AM »

Hello,

I am a 37 year old male, who is just discovering that my mother has BPD. She mentioned it recently so I did a bit of research online, and then everything about my childhood finally made sense, when I read about Waif, Witch, Queen etc.

My mother is the kind of person who would shower me with, gifts, hugs and kisses, and tell me daily how much I was her world, but then would blame me for the way her life has turned out, due to the sacrifices she has made to bring me up. For example, she is a victim of Domestic Violence from my father, who we both have no contact with now. She has remained single since he left, but has often said that she has not found anyone else because of me.

She is what I would describe as an emotional wreck of a woman, constantly crying over everything, the world has to revolve around her, and spent my whole life being emotionally blackmailed and constantly having to prove that I love her more then anyone else.

It is impossible to express how I feel to her, and how she has effected me as it will result in crying, and then she becomes victim and I am the evil son.

I noticed that allot of people on this site has said they never felt loved which is something I have never questioned. I always felt love but I describe it as un-healthy love, combined with attachment issues.

Even with myself, I am starting to identify my own issues. I grew up very shy and withdrawn, low-self esteem and confidence. I had allot of problems at school, always struggling academically, but I did manage to drag myself through education and get my degree. I really struggle with concentration, which I noticed that this popped up in a few times from other members. I also think I have from depression, as out of no where I just feel like the world for me is very dark, but this does seem to pass after a few day's.

What I have found most difficult about my situation is that I was an only child with all my mother's family living in other countries, who we had no contact with until I was 14. So I have always felt very much alone in dealing with her, as I had no one else to share burden with.

Even now that I am married with 2 young daughters, I still feel very much isolated in dealing with her behavior, as my wife tries to understand, but is un-able to relate to what I go through.

Apart from my wife, recently, I have never really told anyone what it was like for me, as I did not want people to think bad of my mother, as I think she has a good hart but just has issues due to a terrible upbringing.

I was wondering if there was anyone else who had to take this on completely alone?
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Dandyblossom

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3


« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2017, 02:19:53 PM »

Hi Corcha1,

I am a 40 year old woman, an only child of a mother who I've recently discovered has BPD.  I also felt love from her as a child - I was enmeshed with her and didn't really have my own identity.

I'm married with a son and 2 years ago, I moved away from my mom, feeling guilty and awful since she lives alone and really alienates herself.

Over the last year, I have gone no-contact with her for a while as I did a lot of self discovery.

In March, we discovered she has developed late stage cancer and I am speaking with her on a daily basis again.   She is undergoing surgery again next week and I am going to help her after surgery.  I am only going for 4 days, as recommended by my therapist.  I really wish I had siblings at this point!  The cancer has brought out the worst in her!

I brought my 10 year old to visit her about a month ago and she was verbally abusive to me in front of him, calling me manipulative and mean and yelling in my face.  When my son hid in the closet from her, she went in after him, yelling how I was a great mother for training my son to hide from her.  I still feel shaken up when I think of it, and my poor son... .  She was drinking and taking narcotics and chemotherapy at the time.  My husband doesn't understand what it's like and he really values family, so he pushed me to maintain a relationship between my son and her.  At this point, my son will NOT be spending any more time with his nana.

Anyway, all this to say, that I get what it's like to be the only child of a BPD mom. 
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Corcha1uk

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2017, 05:21:19 PM »

Hello,

Thanks for your reply.

We are in a very difficult situation and your story is very similar to mine. My mother also lives alone, which is another big issue that I have to deal with. Its the constant complaining about being lonely, and that i never visit. However when i invite her to my house for events with my wifes family, she does'nt like that there is to many people.

My wife tells me i should go round more, but itjust ends up with crying and complaining which I can not take anymore. I insist that my my comes with me as I know its so much worse if I go alone.

Can i ask how long have you seperatrd from your mother. Thats one of the things I can not bring myself to do, as I know she would be totally alone, as i have no other siblings or extended family?

Sorry about your mothers cancer. Although iam sure you have a difficult relationship, in an only child has a very different bond with a parent. There is that fear of somthing happening to that parent with out anyother blood relatives
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


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« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2017, 12:30:09 AM »

It's interesting that she mentioned BPD. Do you know why,  as in,  was she ever diagnosed?

My mother told me over a year ago that she had BPD. In my 40s, I had finally put the puzzle together.  I originally landed here due to the mother of my children.  In processing things,  started looking backwards and at my mother.  A therapist in the 90s  (she went through seven until she found one she trusted), suggested the Dx in a roundabout way,  but my mother accepted it. 

I'm an only child, adopted by a single parent.  My mother came from a Midwestern family (I've lived my whole life on the West Coast, different culture). I met one of my cousins once on 1983, but the last time I met everybody was in 1979. My mom's older siblings are deceased. So I can relate to feeling alone,  though your relatives are still here.  It sounds like there is also a cultural dynamic going on,  yes? That makes it more complicated. 

However,  you have your immediate family,  those you need to Shepherd. In my mind,  the innocents on our care take priority.

My mother also had a terrible upbringing, the worst. I think it's good to demonstrate mercy and show understanding,  but ultimately you need to protect yourself, for you,  and for your kids who have no one except their parents to guide them. 

There are discussions regarding boundaries on the Suggested Reading at the top of the board. It sounds like you might be struggling with asserting boundaries in a healthy manner . Most of us here do.  Take a look and tell us what you think. 

Turkish
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Corcha1uk

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2017, 03:24:09 AM »

I have started to set boundaries now.

I say to her that she is well come see me or my children anytime when she is in a good place, but when she is in a dark place, it is best that she stays away.

This forum and other research i have did give me some satisfaction of finally know what my childhood has been about, but did bring back allot of memories of situations which now i know was not right.

Its also helped to know a bit about myself, like I regard myself as intelligent, but really struggled academically, which i now know was a result of what I was dealing with at home.

I certainly should of had a social worker
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imataloss

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Posts: 29



« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2017, 02:03:18 PM »

Hello all 

I haven't posted on this forum in quite awhile, but felt the need to do so after reading these posts. I'm a 64 year old married gay male, also an only child, with a 94 year old uBPD mother who lives independently in a retirement home. Overall she's in decent health considering her age, her main physical problem is that she has bad knees and has to use a walker. 

I thought I'd learned how to deal with my mother, and how to cope with bad memories from earlier years. My dad passed away 22 years ago. The man was a saint and I really don't know how he was able to live with her cause she made his life a living hell. I'm still resentful about the way she treated him, and those memories trigger really bad feelings towards my mother.

My mother's behavioral problems and periodic tantrums and meltdowns were a family secret shared between me and my dad. But during his extended illness, I began to open up to my mother's sister about my mother's behavior. My aunt totally got it and knew exactly what I was talking about because over the years she's had problems dealing with my mother also.

In the years since my dad's death I've managed to put the pieces of my childhood together, and realize how abnormal our family really was because of my mother. A wonderful therapist who I've gone to off and on for almost 30 years (!) has guided my through this process.

My mother has always been close to her family (4 sisters and 1 brother, with only the aunt mentioned above still alive). She has a couple of nieces and a nephew who she's relatively close to. In recent years I've tried to share some of my mother's story with these cousins, mainly about how badly she treated my dad up until his death. It became important to me to lift the veil of secrecy, and for them to have an inkling as to what she put me and my dad through. They realize that my mother has problems, but have no idea of the extent and the effect it's had on me. Not having siblings to talk to is probably another reason I wanted to share my mother's story with these cousins. They were not very receptive to what I related, and have seemed to distance themselves from me since, even though we weren't really that close to begin with. I made the decision that I didn't want anything to do with my mother's remaining family. 

So this past weekend I took my mother and aunt to their sister's funeral in another city. While there I connected with another cousin whom I haven't had much contact with in recent years. We hit it off and realized we have lots in common. While there I told her bits and pieces about my "journey" with my mother, and she listened and seemed receptive. After returning home we texted back and forth several times and made plans for our families to meet up at the beach this summer. It felt really good to finally connect with a relative who was willing to hear my story.

After having a very disturbing phone call with my mother, I think I went too far in texting this cousin some of the negative things my mother had said about other family members. Now this cousin seems to have backed off also.

Now I'm bummed out because I thought I had these issues under control and that my relationship with my mother was on "auto pilot" until her death. The problems seem to subside but never completely go away. I feel that the effect my mother has had on me will last forever.

Corcha1uk, my advice is that it's never too late to begin therapy and I strongly encourage you to find a good counselor. All these years of therapy have been a lifesaver for me. It's relieved me of so much guilt and shame and helped me to look at the situation more objectively. Dandyblossom, I wish you the best in dealing with your mother's cancer. Coping with a parent's illness is made so much more difficult when BPD is involved. But I can't say that I regret being an only child because I think having siblings would only complicate things. We surely wouldn't get along having grown up together in the household I was raised in!

I'm so thankful for my understanding and empathetic spouse who I've been with for 17 years. He's the best thing that ever happened to me! It took some work on both of our parts, but I'm amazed to be in such a loving and trusting relationship considering the role models that I had.

Bless anyone who's still reading this long story! I'd be happy to hear any advice or suggestions from others, but I mainly wanted to give the perspective of another only child who's in an older age bracket.




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