Spoke to a man today...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all,

It has been almost 18 weeks since I put my exBPDbf out of my home.  We've been NC over 3 months.  Prior to our relationship I was outgoing and would speak to anyone.  Always been a people person.  I get on great with men and have always been friendly with many guys in passing - people I'd often see, either at the gym or just out and about.  My ex was the only man who ever had such an issue with me being around males and would flip if I even appeared to look at a guy as that instantly meant I wanted to sleep with him.  I became so introverted and would avoid even making eye contact with any man, whether I knew him or not, as it was just too much trouble for me.  Sad to admit, but I was totally under the thumb.  People noticed I withdrew and probably thought I'd got a problem with them.  I did have a problem, just not with them.  The problem was me.  I had NO boundaries in place whatsoever and was trying to please the unpleasable.  Or at least keep calm Vesuvius... .

Recently it appears that my ex has moved back into my area as I'm seeing him around tons.  I'm not acknowledging him at all.  It's hard.  Tonight I went to a mindfulness class and we crossed paths again as I was arriving.  Luckily I then meditated for 2 hours and during that time I sat with the fact that seeing him fills me with sadness, longing, regret and stirs up the fact that I miss him.  However I'm finding it easier every time.  Think the phobia cure of flooding would be a fitting description.  The more I see him, the more at ease I'm becoming.  Until he tries to speak to me or gives me eye contact anyway.  But for now he's playing along and blanking me too.  I think that is his kindness to me.  I'm grateful. 

So the thing that inspired me to post is this.  After the class ended (it was our final one and so one man baked some gorgeous millionaire's shortbread and brought it in for everyone) I was walking home from the venue when said baker fell into step beside me.  We chatted about the course, he's seen me at a yoga class too and we talked about baking.  Do you know what the nicest thing was?  I FELT CALM.   I wasn't panic stricken about being seen by someone/HIM, and getting the wrath about flirting/usually worse, and graphically worse.  I wasn't trying to avoid talking to him because he is a man.  I felt comfortable walking alongside him and didn't care what anyone in the world thought we were to one another.  IT FELT AMAZING.  I have absolutely no interest in this man, nor he I, and it was as casual as two practical strangers just making small talk for about 5 minutes whilst we were going in the same direction, but it was MOMENTOUS for me.  Because it symbolised so much to me about my recovery.  I am released from the FOG.  I feel free.  I feel like I am coming back to myself. 

Never have I appreciated something so meaningless as much as this my whole life.  Because it means everything to me in my recovery.  Hang in there everyone.  It happens.

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Hi all,

It has been almost 18 weeks since I put my exBPDbf out of my home.  We've been NC over 3 months.  Prior to our relationship I was outgoing and would speak to anyone.  Always been a people person.  I get on great with men and have always been friendly with many guys in passing - people I'd often see, either at the gym or just out and about.  My ex was the only man who ever had such an issue with me being around males and would flip if I even appeared to look at a guy as that instantly meant I wanted to sleep with him.  I became so introverted and would avoid even making eye contact with any man, whether I knew him or not, as it was just too much trouble for me.  Sad to admit, but I was totally under the thumb.  People noticed I withdrew and probably thought I'd got a problem with them.  I did have a problem, just not with them.  The problem was me.  I had NO boundaries in place whatsoever and was trying to please the unpleasable.  Or at least keep calm Vesuvius... .

Recently it appears that my ex has moved back into my area as I'm seeing him around tons.  I'm not acknowledging him at all.  It's hard.  Tonight I went to a mindfulness class and we crossed paths again as I was arriving.  Luckily I then meditated for 2 hours and during that time I sat with the fact that seeing him fills me with sadness, longing, regret and stirs up the fact that I miss him.  However I'm finding it easier every time.  Think the phobia cure of flooding would be a fitting description.  The more I see him, the more at ease I'm becoming.  Until he tries to speak to me or gives me eye contact anyway.  But for now he's playing along and blanking me too.  I think that is his kindness to me.  I'm grateful. 

So the thing that inspired me to post is this.  After the class ended (it was our final one and so one man baked some gorgeous millionaire's shortbread and brought it in for everyone) I was walking home from the venue when said baker fell into step beside me.  We chatted about the course, he's seen me at a yoga class too and we talked about baking.  Do you know what the nicest thing was?  I FELT CALM.   I wasn't panic stricken about being seen by someone/HIM, and getting the wrath about flirting/usually worse, and graphically worse.  I wasn't trying to avoid talking to him because he is a man.  I felt comfortable walking alongside him and didn't care what anyone in the world thought we were to one another.  IT FELT AMAZING.  I have absolutely no interest in this man, nor he I, and it was as casual as two practical strangers just making small talk for about 5 minutes whilst we were going in the same direction, but it was MOMENTOUS for me.  Because it symbolised so much to me about my recovery.  I am released from the FOG.  I feel free.  I feel like I am coming back to myself. 

Never have I appreciated something so meaningless as much as this my whole life.  Because it means everything to me in my recovery.  Hang in there everyone.  It happens.

Love and light x

[Emotions]

That's awesome HQ! I have received a few compliments and kind words since my split... .they feel good deep down in my spirit. It's been awhile since I had time to connect and listen to people and when I find a kind soul it is so calming... .thanks for sharing and I hope you find many more experiences like the one you had today... .keep shining HQ  

[jambley]

Hi all,

I felt comfortable walking alongside him and didn't care what anyone in the world thought we were to one another.  IT FELT AMAZING

This kind of revelation is true, the more I am around strangers the more comfortable I feel because I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is really remarkable to me.

[jambley]

I walk through the park sometimes to work. One morning i met a woman walking her dog and we conversed, she was so polite, so engaged in the beauty of simple conversation... .it made my day and it was astonishing. It made everything so much nicer and extinguished so much nastiest i had experienced in my previous relationship. I had forgotten this until now. thank you HQ

[MiaP]

Hi Harley Quinn,

that's really great, thank you for sharing such a positive experience.

It's good that you felt that way and it gives me hope that one day I'll can free myself from that panic you describe about being seen talking to someone, which sounds very familiar to me. I am trying to release myself from this feeling but the fear of accusations (totally unfunded) still gets to me.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your replies.  It's great to hear that sharing such a simple everyday experience was understood by and touched some of you.  Isn't it crazy when we realise how much of an impact our relationship can have on us, even long after it is over?  May we all have ease in our lives in due course. 

Love and light x