Coping after breaking up with a BPD partner...need to get it out there

[Hey James]

Hello, I have recently been seperated from my partner of three and a half years who I now believe suffers with BPD. I went through a lot in that time. Every week or every other week he would find an excuse to break up with me. It felt to me as if , if there was no real reason one would be created so he could have the excuse to shout and accuse me of something. When i could get him to be calm and rational we would agree on a course of action. I.e i had to be more transparent about my ex. Tell him when i spoke to or saw him (all while he didnt feel the need to do the same for me). And when i would do what was agreed the goal posts would change and it would be something else i did so he could then have the excuse to make accusations and tighten the reigns. When i would point out that i did what was asked. Then so the 'oh i didnt know this,or i didnt realise that" excuses would come out as a way of saying you need to change or ill leave you. All while telling me he loved me so much. Would love me forever. I was the most beautiful person he had and would ever be with. He loves me more than i love him. When I told him i loved him it wouldnt be long until it was thrown back in my face. Yet he "the one" with so much love was always so willing to lose me. I would say in the end i wont tell you to have it thrown back in my face. But he would ask or eventually i would feel the love so much i would want to share my feelings. Admittedly our situation i guess to most would be a little un-orthodox and coupled with his personality trait i guess did counfound our problem. I have a very friendly platonic relationship with my previous (1st) bf. We love eachother but are not IN LOVE. He also happened to work in the same company. Although seperate building and shifts. So he (my now current ex) would be jealous. Would expect me to take my break with him when he worked there too. In my department same desk as me. (i was the supervisor) even though it would cause gossip and start rumours of favourtism. He had to create a conflict because he knew it wasnt ok to leave the third person alone. But would use this to create an argument. Would tell me i could see my ex on my break. Then if i did it he would stop talking to me because i agreed to his idea. When he left and found a new job he would want to meet me on my break. If not meet, i had to talk to him on the phone to prove i wasnt talking to or having a nice time with my ex ex. If i missed the call it always had to be because i was doing something with the ex. If i was on the phone and he got a msg saying i was on another call it had to be him i was on the phone to. If naturally when you leave work for the day u hang around coz something may have happened or you were speaking to a friend it was all judged. And accusations would start. Nothing would be right that i said. Didnt matter if i had proof. He needed to be right. He could look at the sky and say it was flouresent green. And u would say what are you talking about its blue. But you would be wrong. And youd be so frustrated ud do anything to make yourself heard and validated to the point they are looking at you as if you are mental. If i went to visit my family i had to txt n call him all day long. So in effect not really spending time with my family. If i didnt id be accused of seeing my ex. I would sometimes meet people from work outside of work.at most three times a year. But i wouldnt invite him as he previously worked with us and managed to make everyone dislike him (to my mind not altogether fairly). But this was not through me. I stood up for him and said what i needed to. Ended up going through a grievance N mediation to sustain a working relationship with some. And it felt to me like he didnt like the fact i wasnt prepared to have zero relationships with my colleagues. He would say things like i always put you first you are my number one. Because if ever i did something without him it would mean i didnt care about him. And yet there was no one for him to put above me as he had moved to the uk from spain for his then gf to practice her english and to work on his then relationship. But when he tells the story its as if he did those things for me. When he didnt even know me. He just chose to stay around a little longer. and he would want me to all the time show he was with me and in a sense he would hope i had arguments with them. He always wanted me to have confrontations. Or in the end to leave my job. Not because he cared for me but it was about him. When i did take him to meet a friend a fellow spanish girl he started crying and getting her on his side. Was rude to the waiter and ruined the evening. He always knew when to act and be nice depending if he gave a crap or if he could get away with it.  Every major event he had to sabotage. It was like he was addicted to the pain. If we booked a holiday you could be sure just before we would go he would break up with me. We would get back, a lot of begging on my part, have a very beautiful time, and then when we would be due to go home he would create an argument about nothing.Once the underwear was too nice.I had saved that particular pair because i was going to see my ex... .honestly stuff you could never defend yourself over because it never happened. It was always about what might i do. And all  Coz he felt bad and needed to make me suffer instead. And then alas break up with me again. If i showed concern for him. I.e it was winter and he would wake up to take me to work. To be nice i would offer him not to. Of course this wasnt because i cared but because i didnt want him. So then he eventually stopped taking me. There were times,always when i had to work late and had a five six day rota ahead and he was off that he would leave me. I was tired and exhausted from my commitment to work. All the travelling and lack of sleep due to my shift work and he had the days off to manage himself. Or out the blue he would block my number and on wassap. Just like that. No warning. And i was left in bits. Pannicky. Desperate to be with him. Have him love me still. It went on and on untill i knew a drastic change had to happen to break the cycle. I loved him totally and i wanted to do anything to make it work. And have the wedding he said he wanted. To have our babies just like he said he wanted too. I proposed we move to spain. No more working different hrs (no more work for me for a while) we could have our babies and raise them on one salary as he was a teacher. And with the cost of living compared to london we would have been comfortable. I asked him to make a choice and finally stick with it. If it was going to happen then no more leaving me because you didnt realise about this or that. No more running away. Good and bad we make it work. I would learn spanish eventually but as i wasnt going to be working rn it didnt matter as we could comminicate and there would be time. And i would no longer talk to my ex. Only birthday and christmas txts as agreed by him. Long story short i asked that i spend the remaining two to three weeks with my family as my brother was due a baby at any moment. It was christmas and i wanted to spend as much time as i could with them while i could. He ended up quiting his teaching job but being fired before he could leave on his own and left the uk 17th dec. We were due to go together around the 8th jan. I stayed to work my notice and get whatever money i could as i wouldnt have my own income for a while. And then spent one free week with my parents brother and sister and my new niece. (btw family was always important to me. Seeing my aunts cousins nans every week). I joined him in spain and then it was even worse. Nothing that we agreed to do there happened. We didnt rent a flat so it would be us we stayed at his mums. Because we could save money. "there was no point to leave before march as she was going to have a hip replacement and he would need to help her". He would be open and not make decisions for us. We would discuss everything and decide together and translate.He started to work on a business idea and taught some english classes. So i was left alone in the house. Not able to communicate. Watch tv. When he would come home he would work on the business idea. We ate when the mum wanted to and what she cooked. I must add she was lovely and no idea what he was really doing. It wasnt her fault i couldnt communicate but he used it against me. Id be left out of conversations as he wouldnt translate. If we were talking and she would shout from another room he would walk off and be gone an hr. No excuse me. No explanation just leave mid sentence n come back no explanation. If i asked him to spend time with me he had to work. But when i would visit him at the computer the countless times he was on facebook. When his mums operation went ahead he told me to go to the hospital. I went and because there wasnt space he then made it so i had to leave. He drove me the hr back to his mums house gave me the keys n drove off. No call. No txts nothing. Came back the next day and locked me in the house for two days. No txts or calls. Told me he couldnt leave her then shows up one morning. When i ask why i was shouted at that he had left her to be with me but i didnt appreciate it. When she came home he had a new excuse of why he couldnt spend time with me as he needed to look after her. I was told to fly back to the uk to see my family earlier and that he would buy the ticket. He tried to break up with me after six weeks because he couldnt handle me. I was asking too much. And then suddenly when i was gone miracuously she didnt need his help so much. He could stay at his sisters all night playing poker. Miracuously he didnt HAVE to work all day and night. But when this was pointed out i was sick in the head. I was selfish. We did have good days. Even a few good weeks when his mum went to visit her second home in the north and we could be more like a couple. I could eat when and what i wanted. He would spend hours with me. we found a flat and was ready to sign the lease. He made a fake argument hrs before so he could walk out and have an excuse to not go ahead. But still it always came down to having to go and hang out all night at his sisters and every weekend. They had a wassap group that was never ending. With two of her friends who suddenly became his great friends. You couldnt make a plan because any free moment they already had dibs on. He couldnt see that we would be asked to go for dinner but then we would have to buy the dinner on the way. We would be in the house and i would be left to play with the five yr old twins while they laughed and joked. I was told it was my fault i couldnt communicate and they were nice because they asked me to be there and they said hello in english. I did the same in spanish but in the end i was a horrible ___/___. Even when i told him in three odd years you never found it a problem. When we visited for a month at a time it wasnt a problem. But because i didnt want every week or day to be about going there i was nasty selfish and disgusting and they were all nice. Yes they were normal. They did what any normal human does. He needed to have any excuse to leave me. He couldnt use the ex. He started to change. Suddenly it was ok to want to see friends. Stay out and not txt or phone. Go fly his drone without saying anything. It was ok to be apart. He would ruin our time together deliberately. Admit that it was over nothing but then use that as the marker to break up coz we shouldnt argue all the time. Be rude. Aggressive. Walk out and leave me. I would beg to be heard and i would be told i only want to argue. I flew back and forth from spain to the uk three times in as many months. He decided that business we were gna work together would be no more. After starting countless arguments over it. Spending all our evenings apart working on it. Shouting at me that i didnt support him. Using our money setting it up. And bam just like that he was going to train to be a policeman and move to another city. I could go with or not. Of course i agreed to go. I never wanted to not be with him. But suddenly his "sister didnt need him" (his reason for always going there). As you can imagine we couldnt work. I tried to talk get him to see. But id be told it was my version. He was the one lying his face off. Being disrespectful. Deliberately ignoring my txts when i was away from him. Basically doing every damn thing he would tell me i was wrong to want to do in the uk... .my home. If i said anything his answer would be "maybe it means something" but he never had the guts to say things straight. He needed it to be me so he could say well you left. I wasnt going to leave you. You left me. Nevermind he made it so you couldnt stay. Eventually after flying back again to make it work  One argument got so bad i had to go. I couldnt spend another minute sitting in his mums house alone. With no one to talk to.  He didnt care i left my home n job to be with him because he did that leaving the uk. And staying in the uk. Except he could speak the language. He worked. He moved there for himself. He left and went back home where he knew he could work. He knew i had nothing and was trusting him to be there like he always threw in my face he was. And now im lost. No partner. All broken promises. In love with a guy who ruined everything. Someone who doesnt care if he speaks or sees me again. Wakes up happy and thinks nothing of it because i did it all to him.  Some of the arguments would get so out of hand it was surreal. Its just so damn sad. To fight all them years. To try to get him to be peaceful and in love and be happy. We had fun. Our love could feel so pure. And im still there. After one week he didnt care. Up to a day before our big finale he wanted to give me a baby. He told me he loved me. Now when he speaks we never had any good times. He doesnt agree with my views. I killed his love because when he left for spain i made him wait too long. I was happy to not spend the time out of work not staying with him. Even though we had the rest of our lives to do that. I was used. To help him transition. Move his need for me and replace it with poker his sister and her friends. And im lost. What was the point of it all. Why send me endless msgs of ur love. Tell me i couldnt die before him. Just why why why. I wake up and dont feel like me. Im sad and cry. I dont find joy in spending time with my family or the new baby. I'm lost completely

[Hopeful_Me]

I can't read a wall of text. Is it possible to edit it into paragraphs?

Im sure youd like us to read it - so we can give a response. Welcome !

[Larmoyant]

Hi Hey James, I'd like to join Hopeful_Me and welcome you to BPD Family . It sounds like you’ve been subjected to a lot of push/pull behaviour which is typical of pwBPD. It’s confusing and painful and it’s no wonder you’re feeling sad and lost. I too, felt sad and lost when I first came here, but it does get much better. You’ll find many people here who’ve gone through similar and can help you work through it. Are you still in contact with him?

[Hey James]

Yes I contact him. He doesnt reach out to me. In time im hoping to not contact him at all. But right now it feels too drastic. For me its like there has been a death. Your feelings are there but the person your feelings are for are not