What's App

[Larmoyant]

I’m feeling triggered and that horrible yearning feeling has decided to visit me again. I’ve been doing well lately. I went out last Saturday for the first time in ages and had a really good time. I felt some residual sadness, but I handled it. Until this week that is when an overseas friend suggested we communicate via What’s App. A good idea only my ex uses it too. I was unaware of this, but he came up as he’s in my contacts list. Each of us can see when the other was last on. At first it didn’t bother me, yet I put up a photo of me looking happy and hoped he would see it. He did, but has stopped using it now. I find myself looking to see if he’s been on and feel sad because he hasn’t! It’s as if I’m the pwBPD – needing the attachment! I don’t want him and his cruel behaviours, but I’m mourning the loss of connection again. It could be that I’m triggered remembering all the times he disappeared, went silent or threatened to end us. I’m thinking it might be time for me to delete all of his contact details. My fingers are on the button. I was doing relatively well until this. It still hurts and to top it off I feel embarrassed admitting this.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Larmoyant,

It happens to a lot of us—you are not alone. I've checked up on pwBPD via his FB page, and I'm not even on FB !  

This event is good data for how you are doing. It's natural for feelings to come up during the detachment process. It doesn't mean you aren't detaching.

As for deleting his contact info.: You could do that, but is there a way you can mask his information instead (I don't do much social media, so I ask silly questions)? You want to use the app, but maybe you don't want to see his activity. Or, you can use seeing his activity and feeling your feelings as you refrain from acting on them as a kind of "practice" to help your recovery.

Whatever you do, remember to give yourself lots of self-compassion and know that the longing will pass.  

heartandwhole

[GuySmiley]

Ah, WhatsApp. I only installed it about 6 weeks ago after my BPDx asked me to so she could send me pictures. My friends have been on at me to install it for years, but they don't send me the same pictures my ex does.

Anyway, long story short - when we went from talking to arguing she then decided to give me the silent treatment and block me on WhatsApp - particularly cruel as you know when someone blocks you as their image no longer shows up nor does their 'Last seen' status. So as long as you're blocked you know they're still trying to control you. It's a mean and nasty little tool in the wrong hands. Plus it can be addictive for those of us who've been on the receiving end of BPDx's sh*tty treatment - as we're constantly looking for their validation we're addicted to seeing if they've noticed us - WhatsApp allows us to do that.

My advice is if you've been doing fine without him for so long and have no need to be in touch (no kids etc) then yes delete his contact details. Let him go. If he want's to contact you he can do further down the line, but WhatsApp will only bug you by being an itch that you can't scratch and will drive you round the bend.

[Larmoyant]

Hi heartandwhole and GuySmiley, thank you for the reassurance . It 'was' becoming an itch I couldn’t scratch so I changed the privacy settings so he can’t see my activity nor I his. I immediately felt better yet find it interesting why I can’t quite delete his number yet. I worry sometimes why I can't completely let go of the connection, yet I do want to let go. There are days now when all I feel is relief that I got away and although I’m still depressed more and more I’m feeling hope for the future. I’m still struggling to get back out in the world, but tiny steps are getting me there. I still miss him at times though, but maybe that’s ok. Actually admitting that makes it easier to deal with somehow. It’s ok to miss him. The funny, nice side that is. It doesn’t mean I want to go back to the abuse. Heartandwhole, it is a good gage to where I’m at in detaching. I waver back and forth a little, but I’m starting to do things for me and my future that doesn’t include him and sometimes it makes me want to jump for joy that I escaped. Other times  I still feel anxious/fearful, but I’m getting there.