What if they weren't serial cheaters?

[Helplessly]

It seems like a common thread here that the BPD was a cheater, serial or otherwise.  I would bet two paychecks that my ex didn't cheat.  We were together too much.  But she liked male attention (instagram).  If she didn't cheat, am I barking up the wrong tree?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Helplessly,

If she didn't cheat, am I barking up the wrong tree?

Do you ask this in relation to whether or not your ex has BPD?  Or are you wondering if you ought to reconcile? 

My ex did not cheat (as far as I know... .) yet it doesn't change anything about his behaviour overall and how ridiculously bad I was at setting and maintaining boundaries.  Perhaps if he HAD openly cheated it might have been easier for me to walk away.  The fact he was with his new supply only a fortnight after we went NC was enough for me to feel very hurt indeed though, and to suspect that she may have been lined up for some time.

Love and light x

[Helplessly]

Hi Helplessly,

Do you ask this in relation to whether or not your ex has BPD?  Or are you wondering if you ought to reconcile? 

My ex did not cheat (as far as I know... .) yet it doesn't change anything about his behaviour overall and how ridiculously bad I was at setting and maintaining boundaries.  Perhaps if he HAD openly cheated it might have been easier for me to walk away.  The fact he was with his new supply only a fortnight after we went NC was enough for me to feel very hurt indeed though, and to suspect that she may have been lined up for some time.

Love and light x

Thanks for the response HQ.  Reconciliation is not an option for me now that she's moved on. That's my last shred of dignity.  She had me as a choice.  And I don't blame her for choosing someone else.  I can guarantee that the dude she's with is an apparition of the type of man I WAS when we met. Confident, strong.  But I am the INVERSE of who I was.  Loathsome

I ask because there are so many BPD traits in her.  Skin thinner than cellophane. Horrific rage (I've never been insulted that way. Ever. Her face changed into a monster), I hate you get out of my house... .come back, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I hate you you're disgusting.

But there are things that weren't there that make me question my role in things.

I miss her like crazy. I wish I could jump into the mode where I couldn't wait to get away from her intensity.  Now that she's mellowed out on pills i fee like HE is getting a polished version of her

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Helplessly,

That must be very difficult for you and was a fear I had - that someone else would get the joy of being with him when he is all good.  Reality?  He gets on an even keel then impulsively decides to just stop taking the meds and refuse to have any therapy.  Nothing lasts long in the world of a pwBPD.  Until a proper recovery is made, at least, which takes a ton of time and commitment.  I'd not worry too much about what is happening in her world or relationship.  Focus on you now.  I know that's easier said than done, but practise makes perfect 

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

PS Questioning your role in things is a good thing, and part of the process.  We all played a part in these relationships and none of us can claim to be baggage free or we wouldn't have gotten into or stayed in these situations.  So self exploration and work on those issues is an essential part of healing and moving forwards.  I'm determined that I won't be entering into any other relationship until I can have my own stuff dealt with and come at it from a healthier place.  Only then can I expect a healthier relationship.

Love and light x