impending visit, tell her or not ?

[Henry II]

Hi, been awhile since I last posted and not much has changed. uBPDw is actually worse. Non functioning, hiding from the world and life but very intelligent. Won't go anywhere except the store or her myriad Dr's.

Son and family(w has no children of her own) is going to be in the area for 3-4 days as he is bringing his D to a college nearby. (they live 600 mi away and I have seen them once in 7 years.

W does not want any company and won't visit and won't stay alone. So, when S and fam. came last time I had to visit outside with them and at the clubhouse a short walk away.  I don't mind this because at least I get to see all 3 grandkids. W has bonded with 2 of them in the past and keeps in touch with 1 of the girls thru texting etc. a lot. Last visit W would not come out and greet her. After they left I got blamed for that. Imagine.

  So, should I try to keep their visit to myself if I can or tell her ahead of time. In the past surprise visits seemed to work out better. If I don't tell her I have to keep the anxiety of that to myself and risk her finding out .  Or I tell her and then she bears her anxiety in anticipation of having to stay insideand the guilt that goes with it.

I really don't know what to do and my skills in dealing with her are not very good. I have read many of the books and we actually discuss her problems a lot. Stemming from alcoholic family. She does not know she has BPD traits but does know that her problems stem from trama of family disfunction.

She has a theripist that she talks to on the phone every week but I feel that her T just puts a bandaid on things.

  The anxiety for me and upcoming visit sucks. 

Thanks for listening.

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[Tattered Heart]

Tough decision. I know what it's like. Do you tell them ahead of time and then they fret and explode and stress over the visit or wait until the last moment so the stress of it doesn't build.

For myself in the past I used to wait until the last minute. It seemed to work better, less blow ups, relieved my fear of having to tell him about events. But then, after looking at things, I realized this was just my own way of trying to manage and control him. It was a form of walking on egg shells. As the date of the event got closer and closer and I hadn't told him yet, I would start to panic because what if he said "no" at the last minute and I had to cancel? What if he isn't in just the right mood before then so I can tell him? Oftentimes if I just told him, "We are going to do X tomorrow," he would get mad at me for not giving him a say in things so all of my behavior management techniques blew up in my face.

ONe thing you might try is not tell her too early, but within a reasonable amount of time. Then address her fears and concerns, such as "I know it can be stressful when we have company, but I'll help you with preparation." Focus her on the positive, such as getting to see the grand kids. Then authentically share with her how important it is to you. Maybe explain that it's been X amount of time since you've seen them and you have missed them. Ask her if there is any way you could help make their visit easier on her, etc