Narcissist and Borderline Dating

[kramer598]

Hello Everyone.

I recently found out my quite Fiancee has BPD and was cheating on me with one of her married co-workers who is a narcissist. This man has since left his Wife and me and my ex have broken up. My Ex needs to feel constant love and feels abandonment above anything else which is hard to do when you start a relationship with cheating. She puts up walls, shuts down and will emotionally withdraw when she starts to feel like she is not enough for someone.

These two are now dating and working at the same small company together. I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts/experience on how this will end? I know both of them need to have control so ultimately I think this will end horribly for both. Just curious who usually has the upper hand when a Narcissist and Borderline date. 

[roberto516]

It's quite interesting. Deep down the narcissist is a hurt child as well so the attention and idealization they will fall for hard. What will happen, possibly, is that the narcissist will fear the commitment and start to distance himself from the situation at times. Contrary to what we all experienced, this might make someone with BPD traits try even harder because now they are chasing the love that isn't being given to them.

Remember, once our partners knew they "had us" the situation changed. They are like dogs who always bark at cars and once they are free and go after the car they have no idea what to do once they get it. A narcissist might withhold love, attention, and even make minor putdowns of the BPD. This will make the BPD person try harder. They are more comfortable chasing a dismissive partner than with one who gives them exactly what they want.

How do I know this? Because the ex-coworker that my ex dated had narcissistic traits. And she tried much harder with him. He used to put her down with insults, everytime he was angry with her he'd tell her he was going to go hang out with an ex-girlfriend or old "booty call" etc. she put up with this for longer than she did with me just because I wanted to try and problem solve. Why? My theory is that the lack of attention and affection and commitment he showed her is normal for her.

This isn't an exact science I"m spewing here. These are my experiences and thoughts on it. "Experts" do say they can work well because the narcissist can give the borderline an identify while the borderline can fulfill the low self-worth of the narcissist. It would make sense why my ex tried and begged harder for him even though he treated her pretty badly (from what she told me). All speculation but I wanted to give you my two cents.

If you google this you can find articles on it.

[kramer598]

Thank you for the reply. I guess my thinking was once the BPD sees that the flaws in the Narcissist, that he isn't the perfect person that he had projected, wouldn't she start devaluing him while looking for the next victim? I know my ex was very jealous and would go out of her way to limit me from speaking with females. The Narcissist wants everyone to love them and will be flirting with all women for the sense of approval. I've read online and sometimes they say the borderline with completely destroy the NPD while some say they are a perfect match.  I guess it's hard for me to read perfect match and think these two are going to spend the rest of their lives together, work together, raise kids and grow old.  Or perhaps it s a perfect match of neither will eave the other one but they will continue to make each others lives a living hell.