What does moving on mean to you?

[Sunfl0wer]

I truly believe there is something deep inside of us "nonBPD" partners that compels us to obsess over them.

Namaste

Namaste

Way I see it is lots of folks replace one addiction for another.
I have seen many drug addicts/alcoholics, attend NA/AA only to be addicted to their sobriety.  I mean, I guess whatever works eh? Much better to be doing meetings and sobriety like addiction than doing a drug right?

So how many of us use BPD family as sort of a "replacement" attachment?

Imo, that is not the same as healing.

If we are looking here, or to other places, to seek only external validation on our perspectives that "he was wrong," "she was crazy," "you are better off," etc, and not focused on building inner resources for self soothing and growth, imo, would be missing the point of detaching.

I see detaching as learning to care for oneself without being attaached to another or dependent on others for that soothing. ... and learning to face any core wounds that have surfaced. So maybe using the boards and other supports as just that, supports, resources to learn, but not use things/people as replacements for the connection you are longing for, but sitting with that feeling and ultimately tending to it yourself.  

Seems to me if one is using things or people to escape the feelings of detaching, then little is resolved, (even tho they can appear that way short term) and those unresolved feelings can come back to face you again.

[balletomane]

Namaste

Way I see it is lots of folks replace one addiction for another.
I have seen many drug addicts/alcoholics, attend NA/AA only to be addicted to their sobriety.  I mean, I guess whatever works eh? Much better to be doing meetings and sobriety like addiction than doing a drug right?

So how many of us use BPD family as sort of a "replacement" attachment?

Imo, that is not the same as healing.

This is a very good point. I don't think the forum becomes a replacement attachment in itself, but it can be a way for us to stay attached to our exes - by talking about them, we keep the flame alive. I know that ruminating about a lost relationship is common in the immediate aftermath of the breakup, even if the relationship was a healthy one, and of course people need to spill out what happened in order to make sense of it. But if we're still posting copiously about our exes and analysing their behaviour in minute detail several months and even years down the line, then it's clearly not about moving on, but about digging in.

[Harley Quinn]

But if we're still posting copiously about our exes and analysing their behaviour in minute detail several months and even years down the line, then it's clearly not about moving on, but about digging in.

balletomane,  I agree that there comes a point where our focus needs to move from that analysis of our ex partners and become ourselves and our own behaviours, which is very much a part of moving on.  That's why I feel this site is so very beneficial as it gives us scope to do just that in a safe supportive environment and to compliment other steps we are taking in our healing and growth by sharing and learning from others.

Love and light x

[HopefulDad]

I used to ask myself, "What if she really got herself some help?  What if she stuck with it?  What if she became 'cured'?  Would I want to give it another go-around?"

My answer used to be yes.  Then one day the answer became no: I had no desire spending my days with her nervously anticipating the other shoe to drop, waiting for the possibility of her reverting back to square one.

I think it was that moment I had moved on.  I genuinely wish her the best in her battles with her demons.  And should she be victorious, I wish her well with whomever is lucky enough to meet her in her better place.  If he's lucky, he'll never know first hand what I dealt with.

[NotOverHer]

To me, moving on is a process of dissociating all the negative emotions that still haunt me. My discard is fairly recent, 1 month, so I am still in the process of moving on.

BUT, I will be able to say that I HAVE moved on, once I can wake up in the morning, without her on my mind. When I can go to sleep without thinking about her. When I don't feel the pain of the discard in my daily activities.

I hear everyone saying how no contact is a must. And I understand it. I do believe that a contact right now would set me back weeks. But I also hope that when I have fully moved on, that instead of having buried the pain, that I have released it. To me, this would mean being able to run into her, and smile, and let her on her way. I know that I am far from that. I know that if I was to run into her, I would likely feel prey to a host of uncomfortable emotions that would have me floored. I am not ready for that. But I hope that when I have fully moved on, that running into her would be like running into any previous girlfriend that I was once in love with, and that I would be able to walk by without it bringing back negative emotions. Time will tell... .

[40days_in_desert]

HopefulDad - I think you summed it up for me as good as it can be. Whether I would take her back or not. I use to tell friends and family that I wouldn't but inside I knew that there was a good chance that I would. Now, I know that I wouldn't.

[heartandwhole]

But I hope that when I have fully moved on, that running into her would be like running into any previous girlfriend that I was once in love with, and that I would be able to walk by without it bringing back negative emotions. Time will tell... .

This is definitely doable, NotOverHer. It has been my experience, and that of others, too. Give yourself the gift of caring attention and time. It really makes a difference. 

heartandwhole

[Skip]

I hear everyone saying how no contact is a must. And I understand it. I do believe that a contact right now would set me back weeks. But I also hope that when I have fully moved on, that instead of having buried the pain, that I have released it.

I think you are on the right track here, for sure. Avoidance and burying the pain in a mountain of time is not healing - processing the loss and learning from it is higher target of recovery.

This relationship brought out something in you that really lit you up. The important thing is that it was always in you, and will always be in you, she just exposed it. You can reach that again.

[hopealways]

Moving on for me is never thinking of her again.

[joeramabeme]

Way I see it is lots of folks replace one addiction for another.

SF, Good point here, I have been in this camp.  In the beginning, it is probably the best course of action.  But as you mention, over time, something new needs to develop or we just stay stuck at the same places with a different venue. 

Lately, I have gone through another phase of detachment that has left me feeling all my feelings without all the blame that you mention.  It is a rough place to reside so there is no doubt why we end up substituting.  Hopefully something new is born from this place that we can nurture.  For me, at the moment, it just all feels so sad.

Being human is hard!

[jambley]

Moving on or moving forward to me means beginning again, with a new fresh canvas... a healthier lifestyle change, self care and a new found strength in life.

[heartandwhole]

Moving on or moving forward to me means beginning again, with a new fresh canvas... a healthier lifestyle change, self care and a new found strength in life.

That sounds very uplifting, jambley. Very refreshing! 

[FSTL]

Any movement post BPD has to come from yourself.

I think being able to not lie to yourself that you have moved on is (ironically) the start of it. I have rationalised not wanting to be with the person I thought she was, but my emotions still trail. Minimising contact is one way to get there on that and the less I see or hear from her the better I feel. I can't control her leaving our mutual work place, but if she did I would block her completely because I see the benefit of NC.

Realising the person that was so into me once upon a time is the same person who then treated me so badly and now is so incredibly self centred and oblivious to others, and that the latter person is really who they are and how every recycle will end. That is moving on.

Finding someone amazing sadly hasn't proven to be moving on. I have met some wonderful girls, but bonding with them is difficult. I would like to think I could, but not yet.

[jambley]

That sounds very uplifting, jambley. Very refreshing! 

Thank you heartandwhole