Rebuilding relationships

[Depression = 72% of members]

My SO and I are at the point of trying to mend and rebuild our relationship. He's willing to go to therapy this time around but have yet to go. We've had a significant amount of ups and downs especially within the last year or so. He's been on new meds and has been more stable but still edgy at times. And as great as it has been without incident in this time, it feels like something is missing in our relationship. We've lost a lot of trust and romance through some of the rough times. There's not much sexual chemistry left. At one point he requested a hall pass and we tried it out but neither of us went through with it. I'm not sure whether this is what stability is or what it's supposed to feel like without someone raging all the time. Or if just so much damage has been done to the relationship that we're both just over it or out of love. I've been broken up with and left, insulted, yelled at so many times that when he does it now I just let him go through with whatever he's feeling because in the end he never means it. I do feel very tired and want to try but at the same time find myself feeling less invested. We still love one another and are trying to be committed but it just seems like there's an element missing.

Also struggling with our relationships with our friends. Trying to rebuild friendships too. He's lost a lot of our mutual friends over the past couple years due to his behavior and especially during some of the times when I was pretty low, he was not being his best self. As a result he's kind of isolated himself and now quite resentful. My friends are willing to hang out with him but it's a little awkward as he's made few sober attempts to reconnect. Friends gave him a bit of space when things were bad between us. Now, he's decided he hates them for keeping their distance. He's upset with me for hanging out with them, for not inviting him to things even though he's declared that he doesn't want anything to do with them. He's now separating our friendships and just trying to have no mutual friends. It's frustrating because he has asked me to stop seeing them but seems pretty unwilling to do the same himself.  I realize I can't repair things for him, the damage is his to fix and a result of his own behavior. I think that maybe it's just a way for him to avoid facing some of the painful things he's done. Is there a way to settle things so everyone can be civil? I know I can't be the only person out there whose SO/pwBPD has created some awkwardness or dislike among loved ones and friends. Will my relationship cause me to lose my friends and in turn isolate myself? I want to be able to have my relationship and work on it but I also need people to talk to.

In some of your experiences, is it one of those things that just takes time? Or do you think that when too much happens that the relationship can never bounce back? What has worked for you? What kind of things were not successful? This whole rebuilding phase is new territory to both of us, not sure if it's working and how things are supposed to be. Hoping that this strange period of lackluster is just temporary. What kind of things were helpful when trying to find your way back to each other?

[eggfry]

My SO and I are at the point of trying to mend and rebuild our relationship. He's willing to go to therapy this time around but have yet to go. We've had a significant amount of ups and downs especially within the last year or so. He's been on new meds and has been more stable but still edgy at times. And as great as it has been without incident in this time, it feels like something is missing in our relationship. We've lost a lot of trust and romance through some of the rough times. There's not much sexual chemistry left. At one point he requested a hall pass and we tried it out but neither of us went through with it. I'm not sure whether this is what stability is or what it's supposed to feel like without someone raging all the time. Or if just so much damage has been done to the relationship that we're both just over it or out of love. I've been broken up with and left, insulted, yelled at so many times that when he does it now I just let him go through with whatever he's feeling because in the end he never means it. I do feel very tired and want to try but at the same time find myself feeling less invested. We still love one another and are trying to be committed but it just seems like there's an element missing.

Also struggling with our relationships with our friends. Trying to rebuild friendships too. He's lost a lot of our mutual friends over the past couple years due to his behavior and especially during some of the times when I was pretty low, he was not being his best self. As a result he's kind of isolated himself and now quite resentful. My friends are willing to hang out with him but it's a little awkward as he's made few sober attempts to reconnect. Friends gave him a bit of space when things were bad between us. Now, he's decided he hates them for keeping their distance. He's upset with me for hanging out with them, for not inviting him to things even though he's declared that he doesn't want anything to do with them. He's now separating our friendships and just trying to have no mutual friends. It's frustrating because he has asked me to stop seeing them but seems pretty unwilling to do the same himself.  I realize I can't repair things for him, the damage is his to fix and a result of his own behavior. I think that maybe it's just a way for him to avoid facing some of the painful things he's done. Is there a way to settle things so everyone can be civil? I know I can't be the only person out there whose SO/pwBPD has created some awkwardness or dislike among loved ones and friends. Will my relationship cause me to lose my friends and in turn isolate myself? I want to be able to have my relationship and work on it but I also need people to talk to.

In some of your experiences, is it one of those things that just takes time? Or do you think that when too much happens that the relationship can never bounce back? What has worked for you? What kind of things were not successful? This whole rebuilding phase is new territory to both of us, not sure if it's working and how things are supposed to be. Hoping that this strange period of lackluster is just temporary. What kind of things were helpful when trying to find your way back to each other?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

I always believe that forgiveness can change a relationship from nothing back into something. It just takes time though. Forgiveness is a choice. Forgiveness doens't mean that everything has to go right back to the way it was. It isn't giving the other person a free get out of jail card. Choosing to forgive means you will no longer allow the hurt of what they did to you to infect your mental or emotional well being AND that you will no longer hold those things against the person, even if the consequences for it are still there.

As you begin to try to make things work again, I think it will be important that you are honest when you are not feeling trusting. When he is calm perhaps have a conversation about what you want things to look like and what he wants too. Share that you have been hurt badly by him and that it will take a long time of consistent behavior for you to begin to feel comfortable and to trust again. At the same time, begin to look inside you and see where there are still areas of bitterness and resentment. And then choose to forgive for those moments.

[Jester20]

Hi,
 I felt compelled to answer and give you some insight.
I have been married 6 years to my husband who has BPD.
The first 4 years of marriage were absolute hell... .
April 2016 he kicked his prescribed pain med addiction... .things improved quite a lot for the following year with regards to outbursts. We had a little wobble in novemeber.
Now, I took my wedding ring off 3 years after we married it would have been the beginning of 2014, I moved out of our bedroom and into the guest room... .my ring is still off and I am still in my own bedroom.
I just could not believe that things could ever go back to being something positive or good... .I asked myself the questions you are asking yourself. So, why is he still here?
Like I said he kicked his addiction of prescription meds... .he got his diognosis of BPD which then enabled him into therapy... .a commitment of 3 years... .he has been in the pre group for 1o months or so and in 8 weeks will go into the therapy community... .6 hours once a week for 2 years. This is why he is still here because once he got off the meds he told me he was going to right every wrong he had done me and so far he has been true to his word. We have lived drama free for 15 months... .more than I could have hoped for. But he isn't doing this for me... .although I will reap the benefits of his hard work of him working through his issues. He is doing this for himself which is the most important thing. Because that means he wants to do it for himself.
Before we met he was a high functioning BPD... .held down a high powered job for 15 years in management.
A back injury, a move to the uk and the death of his father was more than enough to plummet him very deep which started this whole full on explosion.
I have forgiven him but only of recent and who knows how things will turn out for us. It's not easy to get back in my experience. That is where I am at at the moment.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi eggfry!  First of all congratulations to you both for trying to mend and rebuild your relationship.  I think there is a natural ebb and flow in any committed long term relationship.  This is true of physical intimacy, romance, and other parts of the relationship - such as mutual interests, etc.  I can attest to this.  My husband and I have been married over 30 years.  There have been many ups and downs and we are not done yet.  There are still many good things that I admire in him and he in me.  Recently,  I was struggling, as you are, and he made a list of 10
Things he liked about me and I made a list for him.  It was a great spark renewer.  I like to think of our relationship as a tapestry with many colors and parts.  Some I love and others not so much .

I can definitely relate to being yelled at, insulted, etc. so many times that you now
Just sort of ride it out.  In my case, I think this is where the acceptance started for me.  Of course, I don't take in as much of that as I used to because of boundaries.  Is that the same for you?  And I think that is what is meant by the advice "don't take it personally ".  It seems that in the end your spouse is in emotional turmoil and when it calms down, he did not really mean the things he said.  This doesn't excuse it, but understanding helps get past it.

The repairing mutual friendships is tricky because it is an area that we "nons" are tempted to jump in to fix.  Beware! Fixing is not good.  You can encourage him to reach out, but you can't do it for him.  My husband isolates himself often too. 

I have found that strengthening my own friendships has been so awesome for me.  I think it has encouraged him to be a better friend, too.

Well congratulations and good luck.  Looking forward to hearing more.

Mustbeabetterway

[eggfry]

I still feel very cautious from time to time but things are going better. After reading your replies, I tried just talking to him about things I like about our relationship and things that I've missed. He's been making an effort to try to be more affectionate and has tried to be a better listener. It's been slowly getting better. I've been trying to see his BPD in a different way and not take everything his does so personally. I still feel a bit jaded from our past and find myself caring a lot less about the little things.

Unfortunately mutual friends is still touchy. Many of my friends are coworkers. My SO and I work in building next to each other, so naturally I ran into him on his way to work with some of our mutual friends. Was a bit of a sore spot for him. Saw them and ignored them completely, even me and when they waved didn't wave back. Later texted "If you want you can choose your friends, it's not to late to break up with me." Spiraled into a bit a self pity afterwards and then a "nothing makes me happy/I'm unhappy with everything in my life" phase. I think he just feels pretty worthless right now and not much I can do or say can change that.

Hulu over the years, did you find that there were a lot of triggers to episodes or just significant events?

Mustbeabetterway- The list sounds like a great idea! I hope I can get him on board with the idea. Yea, I don't take too much of the yelling to heart. I can see a lot earlier the signs of a yelling match and I just leave him be. When he's calmed down we sometimes talk about it.

Tattered Heart-I really need to work on handling some of my resentment. I think the hardest part of forgiving for me is not holding it against him. But I'm trying to see this in myself and definitely will take your advice about looking to forgive.