5 months NC and I get a message-why?

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Hi, I have gone 5 months NC and the last message I sent said I need to move on and I don't want to leave things on bad terms but I couldn't do it anymore.

For those of you who don't know my background:
UBPD ex ... .Year and a half r/s ... .2/3 discards and recycles. Had 9 months away from each other until I was recycled (now understand all this from this board) for 4 months. Came back promising the earth and how much I meant. Was discarded again as she left for the otherside of the world wanting to be free and find herself and hinting at BPD as she left. She replaced me within weeks and is now on x2 replacement in 5 months.

Text was an apology text ... .that no sorry would come close to how she treated me emotionally and that I know more than anyone how irrational she can be and she was sorry to involve me in her mess. Hoping I was happy and life was treating me well.

I was inundated with texts at the end of the 9 months and had an apology of sorts. I went back because I thought she was being genuine and had missed me. I knew nothing about BPD then. 

Receiving the text has sent me in whirl ... .what does it mean? Why now? Is she trying to reach out again. She is still the otherside of the world. Is she just feeling shame and guilt in the way they do? Is she really sorry? Or is it just the intense feelings they feel? I've found the last 5 months hard AGAIN. Do I have an urge to reply - yes! But I know there is the potential for hurt all over again. I understand she is with someone (plastered all over social media) so why has she now decided to message me? What are her motives ? Could it just be to say sorry? How would she expect me to respond? What does she want ? She knows I am kind and caring and her messages always pull on my heart strings ... .'I know don't deserve your time at all' .

Any advice / tell me what this is all about would be really appreciated
Thank you

[KtotheK]

Hi, I have gone 5 months NC and the last message I sent said I need to move on and I don't want to leave things on bad terms but I couldn't do it anymore.

For those of you who don't know my background:
UBPD ex ... .Year and a half r/s ... .2/3 discards and recycles. Had 9 months away from each other until I was recycled (now understand all this from this board) for 4 months. Came back promising the earth and how much I meant. Was discarded again as she left for the otherside of the world wanting to be free and find herself and hinting at BPD as she left. She replaced me within weeks and is now on x2 replacement in 5 months.

Text was an apology text ... .that no sorry would come close to how she treated me emotionally and that I know more than anyone how irrational she can be and she was sorry to involve me in her mess. Hoping I was happy and life was treating me well.

I was inundated with texts at the end of the 9 months and had an apology of sorts. I went back because I thought she was being genuine and had missed me. I knew nothing about BPD then. 

Receiving the text has sent me in whirl ... .what does it mean? Why now? Is she trying to reach out again. She is still the otherside of the world. Is she just feeling shame and guilt in the way they do? Is she really sorry? Or is it just the intense feelings they feel? I've found the last 5 months hard AGAIN. Do I have an urge to reply - yes! But I know there is the potential for hurt all over again. I understand she is with someone (plastered all over social media) so why has she now decided to message me? What are her motives ? Could it just be to say sorry? How would she expect me to respond? What does she want ? She knows I am kind and caring and her messages always pull on my heart strings ... .'I know don't deserve your time at all' .

Any advice / tell me what this is all about would be really appreciated
Thank you

[Kelli Cornett]

I'm jealous... .I want nothing more than to hear from mine.  I won't reach out but I wait... .

so I wouldn't be the best for advice :-)

[IsThisThingOn]

Hi KtotheK,

Receiving the text has sent me in whirl ... .what does it mean? Why now? Is she trying to reach out again. She is still the otherside of the world. Is she just feeling shame and guilt in the way they do? Is she really sorry? Or is it just the intense feelings they feel? I've found the last 5 months hard AGAIN. Do I have an urge to reply - yes! But I know there is the potential for hurt all over again. I understand she is with someone (plastered all over social media) so why has she now decided to message me? What are her motives ? Could it just be to say sorry? How would she expect me to respond? What does she want ? She knows I am kind and caring and her messages always pull on my heart strings ... .'I know don't deserve your time at all' .

Any advice / tell me what this is all about would be really appreciated
Thank you

From my own experience, the text/phone call/email with an apology usually comes when things with the replacement arent going quite as smoothly as they appear. Either theyre about to discard them and are desperate to latch on to something before and/or immediately after it happens or they start to miss little things you did that the replacement isnt doing. More so, they miss the way you fulfilled certain needs better than they are. If that makes sense?

Obviously I can only speak from my own experience. I found that my expwBPD(and NPD) turns on the charm and apologies when something has happened and she knows its something in the past ive come to the rescue over -- That is exactly what happened in my latest discard.

The part about pulling on your heart strings... .yeah, I know that quite well. It seems she would always go into a tale about something terrible that happened to her. Something she knew would make me upset to hear she had to go through. Something she knew would break down my barriers long enough for her to slither her way in. -- The "I know I dont deserve your time at all" ... .mine would say things like that hoping the exact response she expected and very much so wanted would come out of my mouth ... .something along the lines of: of course you do, you know i care about you, i am always here for you etc. -- I have come to believe it was her way of checking in and making sure I was still completely wrapped up and head over heels in love with her.

I cant deny it... .I AM still in love with my ex. I still so desperately hope and pray she will snap out of it and get help. That we could make it work in a healthy way -- Denying those would be a flat out lie.  But with each passing day I become more firm in my decision to remain NC and just focus on self-care and self-love. Finding healthy ways to keep my stance strong and my mind focused on healing rather than obsessing over whether or not it will or can ever be.

Do what you believe is best for you, always. Take care of yourself in the process.

Be well.

-D

[roberto516]

I only have my own experience based on 2 relationships. In both of mine they reached out when they needed my emotional support. So maybe a relationship just ended for her or she is feeling lonely, etc. But I'd bet a lot of money that's what it is.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi KtotheK,

I'm not an expert in this but can share that the last message I got 5 weeks ago was to do exactly what you describe.  Pull on the heart strings.  It was worded in such a way that he reminded me of 'good times' by saying he was "reaching out to the only person I know and have known in my life that has an actual heart and soul, and I remember once saying to you that if this world was full of people with your views, your way of living, thinking and how in tune with everything you are that the world would be a much better place... ." (relating back to idealisation stage)  He then went on to ask for help with a matter that he KNEW I'd been very worried about in the past when we were together and was likely to get me to offer support in the same way as I'd offered it then.  Seemed too manufactured to be true IMO.  Thinking back and after reading everything I have on here, it seems just too textbook.  The likelihood is that he was having his first flush of devaluation with his new gf and wanting to see if he could reconnect in some way.  It didn't work. 

If you wish to heal, move on and take care of your own needs, then ask yourself to be honest with yourself about what is likely to happen should you respond.  Would it potentially put you back at the starting blocks?  Do you think that the relationship if you were to rekindle would be better, and if so, why?

Love and light x

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

From my own experience, the text/phone call/email with an apology usually comes when things with the replacement arent going quite as smoothly as they appear. Either theyre about to discard them and are desperate to latch on to something before and/or immediately after it happens or they start to miss little things you did that the replacement isnt doing. More so, they miss the way you fulfilled certain needs better than they are. If that makes sense?

It makes perfect sense and has crossed my mind. Social Media (which I no longer look at) shows this happy/ idyllic r/s but I also know it can give a very skewed Picture. I have been to hell and back like so many on here. I have been to the darkest of places and am beginning to see the light. Do I miss her? - absolutely. Love ? Yes.

I'm not going to respond and there is a big part of me that wants to. But I know I  I need  to think of me (for a change). The pull on the heart strings is immense and yes I wish there was more meaning or longevity in this text. But I know deep down that the same will happen again. (I hate That it's like this)

Thank you so much. You have touched on and said what I thought may be the case and what may be  happening. I hate the thought of her feeling lonely / low and whatever else might be happening but I know it's out of my control.

. 

[KtotheK]

If you wish to heal, move on and take care of your own needs, then ask yourself to be honest with yourself about what is likely to happen should you respond.  Would it potentially put you back at the starting blocks?  Do you think that the relationship if you were to rekindle would be better, and if so, why?

Love and light x

Hi and thank you for your response.

I have been here before unbeknown to me at the tlme what was happening. Devalued, discarded, recycled - 3-4 times. I offered help and support but the thought of being somewhere else, she thought would fix it (and maybe it will?)
I am trying to heal and I am getting there. I wish it could be different but I know what I think the outcome might be. Would it be different - highly unlikely as I believe help is required.

I hate it but it's just the way it is.
Thank you x

[JQ]

hello KtotheK,

I'm sorry to hear that you're being recycled yet again ... .AND that is exactly what it is ... .a recycle.  AS long as YOU let your exBPD have ANY control over you & your life the recycling will continue throughout your entire life as some have pointed out. Devalued, discarded, recycled, REPEAT~!

PwBPD have a VERY Serious Cluster B Mental Illness. This mental disorder is currently beyond modern medicine, surgical or pharmaceutical to repair or "fix".  Several MRI studies conducted by renowned Medical schools like Harvard, John Hopkins show that the neuro-highways off ramps don't connect to anything and are in part the reason the way they behave. They have smaller behavior lobes within the brain in addition to other details. There is no "fixing" it as much as you're codependent behavior would like to believe that you can. The best anyone can hope for is a "limited management" of their behavior IF they go through decades of mental health behavior training but that's just a bandaid.

They reached out as others have suggested here because they're setting you up for another standby after they break up with their current r/s. Harley Quinn makes some good points too. If you wish to heal, move on and take care of your own needs, then ask yourself to be honest with yourself about what is likely to happen should you respond.  Would it potentially put you back at the starting blocks?  Do you think that the relationship if you were to rekindle would be better, and if so, why?

As a NON myself I had to do a deep dive on myself, my childhood history to get an idea of why I was the codependent I was.  I didn't know anything about BPD until my last r/s told me that her therapist told her she was. It was only than after I read, researched I could on BPD not to mention a lot of hours in my own therapy. I learned that my step mother, her brother, a step sister, & a 1/2 brother all have BPD behavior with most having 7,8 or all 9 behavior traits according to the DSM. Once I learned that I came to learn that I was choosing women "subconsciously" to replace the dysfunctional r/s with my stepmother, step sister & 1/2 brother.  Being the "perfectionist" "codependent" that I was, I was naturally attracted to a pwBPD as the book, "The Human Magnet Syndrome" points out.  I subconsciously wanted to continue my behavior of trying to fix pwBPD ... .only to find out that I would NEVER be able to do it.

I also learned via therapy that I had to repair myself from years growing up in the house that I did. I had to learn, teach myself that it was ok to be alone. That I didn't need to make someone else happy to find my own happiness. I had to learn to like, love and laugh at myself. Only then could I be ready for a truly meaningful, mutually respectful, caring & loving r/s.  Once I learned to do all of that ... .I would be ready to share my life with someone else. I learned that once that happened the r/s that anyone would like would be so much better than anything else I could expected with a pwBPD.

YOU are worthy of love & happiness. YOU will find it within YOURSELF and not making someone else happy ... .as Harley Quinn points out ... take care of yourself and the rest will follow.

J

[hopealways]

Make sure you understand that the anxiety and questions you have are NOT because she is your long lost love but rather because her presence ignite all sorts of childhood wounds in you, which is also the reason you ever had this relationship.

They contact you because THEY feel like contacting you. It is never about you. They have no concept in the sense that nons do.

[KtotheK]

hello KtotheK,

I'm sorry to hear that you're being recycled yet again ... .AND that is exactly what it is ... .a recycle.  AS long as YOU let your exBPD have ANY control over you & your life the recycling will continue throughout your entire life as some have pointed out. Devalued, discarded, recycled, REPEAT~!

Thank you for your response and it makes a lot of sense. The only thing I don't understand is if she is on the other side of the world, is it an attempted recycle? I have no idea how long she will be there for - a year visa until November at the very least. Is she in that case checking whether I will respond ? Checking where things are at?

I have been in therapy and have done a lot of work on myself and what brought me to where I am now. Your words and advice are very much appreciated
x

[Zemmma]

KtotheK,
It is so hard knowing they can reach out to you at any time and send you into a whirl.

And I admit that hearing that they can do this for the rest of your life and that your ex apologized and seemed to show some consideration and remorse... makes me a little relieved because part of me wants that, even though I have shut the door.

It would be wonderful if one of these days the "recycle" did not have the power to draw me back in. For now if I am honest, I would say that I am at his mercy. He'd have to make some pretty strong claims of love and apology, but if he did, I would fall for all of it again.

[roberto516]

The only thing I don't understand is if she is on the other side of the world, is it an attempted recycle?

I view a recycle as anything that gets you back into any form of a relationship/feelings come back. That can be done from halfway across the world.

This is hard to face and it seems like you know it. None of this reaching out is about you. It's all about a self need. Just like it has always been. It seems so good I'm sure. At least a little bit maybe? I'd think "wow after 5 months she knows I exist and is sorry! Maybe she's changed?" Not saying this is you. But please honor and process those thoughts if they are arising. Stay strong.

[once removed]

Text was an apology text ... .that no sorry would come close to how she treated me emotionally and that I know more than anyone how irrational she can be and she was sorry to involve me in her mess. Hoping I was happy and life was treating me well.

everyone:

a recycle involves two willing participants who rekindle the relationship. in other words, we cant be recycled against our will.

this is a common form (meaning not at all unique to BPD) of reaching out/well wishing when a relationship ended on bad terms. it sounds like she carries guilt. im not sure we need to read further into it than that... .members here often send very similar messages.

KtotheK,

it sounds like you would prefer not to respond. thats okay, its been a while, and it sounds like things are still raw for you. just know that if you do respond a "thanks for the well wishes, hope your life is going great as well" opens no doors unless you want them opened.

[KtotheK]

KtotheK,

it sounds like you would prefer not to respond. thats okay, its been a while, and it sounds like things are still raw for you. just know that if you do respond a "thanks for the well wishes, hope your life is going great as well" opens no doors unless you want them opened.
[/quote]

So are you saying that I should respond? I'm confused. It is raw and I have been unbelievably hurt by her. She's feeling guilty you think? Is that short lived guilt or will she always feel guilty and will it keep cropping up?

I don't want her to feel bad or whatever it is she is feeling. I can't help thinking that if I did respond it most definitely is opening doors? And why would I want them to be opened because by doing so am I not opening myself up to more pain and hurt potentiallly? I'm sorry - bit confused. I hate ignoring and ridiculously I feel bad doing so!

I think I get what you mean about it takes 2 to recycle but you think this is not a recycle attempt but to alleviate guilt? And in which case, the possible message above would be acceptable ?

Just a bit confused  

[once removed]

So are you saying that I should respond?

no. im saying you have power and control to do whatever you want.

but you think this is not a recycle attempt but to alleviate guilt?

im saying to you (and others) that we need not pathologize her message. i think doing so is confusing you.

often times, our responses are about what we make these exchanges mean.

if you replied with something like "thanks, hope youre well too", and nothing more came of it, would that hurt? no right or wrong answer.

you also are under zero obligation to alleviate her guilt, and i dont suggest making a choice based on that.

a response can really only open the door as much as you want it to open. the hypothetical response i threw out there doesnt leave much room, its just a well wish. she may take it further - she may want to catch up, none of which you are obligated to do, and it sounds like you have no interest in doing.

if you are truly done with the relationship (are you?) then she cant make you do anything against your will, and i do not recommend doing anything against your will.

[JQ]

KtotheK, Group,

Once Removed makes a great point here in that the RECYCLE can only happen if YOU allow it to happen. NO ONE~! Let me repeat that ... .NO ONE has power over you to force you to respond to a text, a call, a voice mail, an email if YOU DO NOT wish to respond.  YOU are in control of YOUR life~!

A recycle can happen if you are around the corner or 1/2 way across the world. A recycle can happen 24 hours after your exBPD leaves or it can happen 16 yrs after you last hang up on them as in one of my exBPDgf.  It appears that a pwBPD does not pay attention to either time or space after they Devalue & Discard the NON. Just because they have a 12 month Visa doesn't mean that they can't return earlier than that correct?  BUT ... .you shouldn't be concerned about that ... .YOU should be concerned about YOU~!  YOUR mental health, well being and improving yourself, getting stronger, learning to like yourself, learning to be happy with yourself, learning that YOUR happiness does NOT & will NEVER depend on someone else's happiness.  If you do ... .well ... .the recycle will continue again and again and again.

Roberto makes a great point as well that I hope everyone noticed ... .reaching out to YOU is all about THEM and feeding their need not yours.  Someone who has BPD is a very broken person never to be repaired, fixed, cured ... .studies have shown that their brain is actually wired bad or no wires exist.  STOP worrying about them and if they're going to call, reach out, email, text, leave a voice message and start working on yourself!

Take some time to take care of yourself ... .enjoy YOUR life~! Enjoy yourself doing whatever it is that you like to do. Do this exercise ... .write down on a piece of paper the things you like to do.  I really want you to notice how hard it is to do. Does it involve other people aka your pwBPD?  How many things do YOU actually find pleasure in? How many things do you really want to do? How many things haven't you done by yourself? I have a good friend who set off on a year trip to travel the country by herself in a truck & a camper. She told her bf he could come along but he elected to stay behind, but she bought a camper & truck and set off on her year journey. I am commend her because there are very few people that would do this. She did it for HERSELF~!  She is learning to become her own person & enjoy the smaller things in life like a sunrise in different parts of the country. Enjoying meeting new people, seeing new things, accomplishing changing tires by herself. Actually enjoying HER life as she wants too and not depending on someone else.

For everyone who reads this ... .DO NOT sit on  your butt waiting to see if your exBPD will reach out to recycle you because we all know that they eventually will. Life is short & your can be cut short by someone texting while driving or some other stupid reason. Enjoy your life for YOU~!  Enjoy a sunrise with your favorite beverage. Enjoy the small things in life like nature, the birds singing, the beauty of a flower, the sound of a child laughing or the relaxing sound of a creek as you sit next to it or better yet lay in a hammock. Enjoy a piece of cake for breakfast ... .who's going to stop you from doing that?    Watch a sunset with a favorite adult beverage knowing it's ok to do it alone.  

Take a deep breath ... .let it out slowly ... .do it again ... .now tell yourself things are going to get better ... .they always get better. YOU are not alone in your BPD experience.  But it's up to YOU & only YOU as to the direction YOU want to go ... .what path YOU choose to walk.  YOU are responsible for YOUR own happiness ... .so what path do YOU choose to walk KtotheK?

J

[roberto516]

She's feeling guilty you think? Is that short lived guilt or will she always feel guilty and will it keep cropping up?

It's human nature for everyone to eventually stop feeling guilty about stuff. Time removes it from our memory.

My ex told me she'd never forgive herself for not being there for me when my grandpop died. You think she's dwelling on that at all? Not a chance.

If you responded nicely it could validate for her that there is still an attachment there. Not saying she'd ever want you back or try to recycle.

Whenever I apologized a part of me wanted validation from her and then in the dream world a message like "let's try again". Just my thoughts on it from an outside observer.

[KtotheK]

a response can really only open the door as much as you want it to open. the hypothetical response i threw out there doesnt leave much room, its just a well wish. she may take it further - she may want to catch up, none of which you are obligated to do, and it sounds like you have no interest in doing.

It's not that I have no interest in doing so, it's because it scares me as to what might happen next. I'm still attached I guess, as much I don't want to be. And I am trying to be strong and think that the best course of action is no action.

if you are truly done with the relationship (are you?) then she cant make you do anything against your will, and i do not recommend doing anything against your will.
[/quote]

I've had messages similar to this at the of the 9 month NC... .an apology of sorts. It then led to further and I had ignored the initial and subsequent 3-4 until I broke because I believed she had seen the light and loved and missed me. (No idea about BPD at the time).

Am I truly and utterly done with the relationship ? Probably not. But I guess I'm taking note of all I have read on here and trying to not break the NC.

Thank you for your response and advice - it really means a lot  

[Nuitari]

KtotheK,

I have also gotten the most (seemingly) sincere apologies from my ex, much like the one you received, but they were always accompanied by some request for help.  Its funny how long it took me to see that correlation. Here is part of an email she sent me... .

I feel really sorry for all the pain I have caused you. It was never my intention to hurt you in any way, but unfortunately sometimes life circumstances get out of our control leaving us vulnerable and miserable. If turning back the time was possible, I would change so much of my past. Even though I never meant to hurt anyone, especially somebody as great as you are, I have still played a very pivotal role in destroying your life. Deep down inside I always believe that you can be very happy with someone else one day and I hope and pray that day will come soon.

She then goes on, paragraph after paragraph, detailing the negative things going on in her own life, wanting to cry on my shoulder, expecting me to comfort her, like I had always done.  Its funny how she only ever felt sorry when she needed something from me isn't it?

One thing to remember is that they live in the moment. All of their actions are motivated by what they are feeling at that moment.  Your ex's seemingly heartfelt apology may have come from something as trivial as her feeling lonely (my ex hated being alone) that day and needing to reconnect with you for that reason.  Maybe she had no motivation to send you an apology the day before, or the day after. Its all about satisfying their immediate needs. It was never about us.  I wouldn't read too much into that text. As sincere as it might appear, it may have been spurred by nothing more than her boyfriend "abandoning" her by going to work or spending an evening with his friends.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi KtotheK,

Just to throw a thought out there.  Strikes me that the biggest mistake we can make which causes us most confusion and turmoil is trying to figure out what is going on in the mind of a pwBPD, or their behaviour, and expecting it to make sense in the world of a non.  It won't.  We cannot expect our exes to have the same rationale or motivations that we or any other non ex would have.  They simply will not fit into any expected normal inter relationship behavioural patterns. 

When we are prepared to accept that our exes think feel and behave differently and that applies to every single thing they say or do we can stop expecting them to suddenly start to make any sense and do what we would hope for.  Am I making any sense? 

It's like saying yes I know that tiger is a tiger and it behaves like a tiger but I'd love it if it was a dog because I really want a dog and maybe if I sit tight or do the right thing to encourage it then it will suddenly start to behave like a dog and get smaller and not bite me if I stroke it... .Sorry for the ramble!

Love and light x

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

Just to throw a thought out there.  Strikes me that the biggest mistake we can make which causes us most confusion and turmoil is trying to figure out what is going on in the mind of a pwBPD, or their behaviour, and expecting it to make sense in the world of a non.  It won't.  We cannot expect our exes to have the same rationale or motivations that we or any other non ex would have.  They simply will not fit into any expected normal inter relationship behavioural patterns. 

When we are prepared to accept that our exes think feel and behave differently and that applies to every single thing they say or do we can stop expecting them to suddenly start to make any sense and do what we would hope for.  Am I making any sense? 

It's like saying yes I know that tiger is a tiger and it behaves like a tiger but I'd love it if it was a dog because I really want a dog and maybe if I sit tight or do the right thing to encourage it then it will suddenly start to behave like a dog and get smaller and not bite me if I stroke it... .Sorry for the ramble!

Love and light x

It makes perfect sense ... .thank you. I agree, we try to rationalise everything and we cannot possibly! You were certainly not rambling:

[JQ]

Harley Quinn ... .Excellent analogy !  A tiger is a tiger ... .I'm going to put that in my tool box ... .thank you~!

[KtotheK]

KtotheK, Group,

Once Removed makes a great point here in that the RECYCLE can only happen if YOU allow it to happen. NO ONE~! Let me repeat that ... .NO ONE has power over you to force you to respond to a text, a call, a voice mail, an email if YOU DO NOT wish to respond.  YOU are in control of YOUR life~!

A recycle can happen if you are around the corner or 1/2 way across the world. A recycle can happen 24 hours after your exBPD leaves or it can happen 16 yrs after you last hang up on them as in one of my exBPDgf.  It appears that a pwBPD does not pay attention to either time or space after they Devalue & Discard the NON. Just because they have a 12 month Visa doesn't mean that they can't return earlier than that correct?  BUT ... .you shouldn't be concerned about that ... .YOU should be concerned about YOU~!  YOUR mental health, well being and improving yourself, getting stronger, learning to like yourself, learning to be happy with yourself, learning that YOUR happiness does NOT & will NEVER depend on someone else's happiness.  If you do ... .well ... .the recycle will continue again and again and again.

Roberto makes a great point as well that I hope everyone noticed ... .reaching out to YOU is all about THEM and feeding their need not yours.  Someone who has BPD is a very broken person never to be repaired, fixed, cured ... .studies have shown that their brain is actually wired bad or no wires exist.  STOP worrying about them and if they're going to call, reach out, email, text, leave a voice message and start working on yourself!

Take some time to take care of yourself ... .enjoy YOUR life~! Enjoy yourself doing whatever it is that you like to do. Do this exercise ... .write down on a piece of paper the things you like to do.  I really want you to notice how hard it is to do. Does it involve other people aka your pwBPD?  How many things do YOU actually find pleasure in? How many things do you really want to do? How many things haven't you done by yourself? I have a good friend who set off on a year trip to travel the country by herself in a truck & a camper. She told her bf he could come along but he elected to stay behind, but she bought a camper & truck and set off on her year journey. I am commend her because there are very few people that would do this. She did it for HERSELF~!  She is learning to become her own person & enjoy the smaller things in life like a sunrise in different parts of the country. Enjoying meeting new people, seeing new things, accomplishing changing tires by herself. Actually enjoying HER life as she wants too and not depending on someone else.

For everyone who reads this ... .DO NOT sit on  your butt waiting to see if your exBPD will reach out to recycle you because we all know that they eventually will. Life is short & your can be cut short by someone texting while driving or some other stupid reason. Enjoy your life for YOU~!  Enjoy a sunrise with your favorite beverage. Enjoy the small things in life like nature, the birds singing, the beauty of a flower, the sound of a child laughing or the relaxing sound of a creek as you sit next to it or better yet lay in a hammock. Enjoy a piece of cake for breakfast ... .who's going to stop you from doing that?    Watch a sunset with a favorite adult beverage knowing it's ok to do it alone.  

Take a deep breath ... .let it out slowly ... .do it again ... .now tell yourself things are going to get better ... .they always get better. YOU are not alone in your BPD experience.  But it's up to YOU & only YOU as to the direction YOU want to go ... .what path YOU choose to walk.  YOU are responsible for YOUR own happiness ... .so what path do YOU choose to walk KtotheK?

J

Thank you JQ... .very wise words and eloquently written. I want to walk the path where I am fully healed and as you rightly say, leading a life where my happiness isn't based on making someone happy and righty so,  not expecting someone else to make me happy. You are spot on. There are many things I haven't done on my own and yes I did rely on my udBPD ex in some areas ... : I need to be more of a do-er and feel far happier in my own skin and doing things that make me step out my comfort zone and live as I wish.

Thank you ... : I will endeavour to stay strong and think of ME x

[jhkbuzz]

Make sure you understand that the anxiety and questions you have are NOT because she is your long lost love but rather because her presence ignite all sorts of childhood wounds in you, which is also the reason you ever had this relationship.

^^^^ THAT ^^^^

[JQ]

Hi KtotheK,

You've had a small stumble that's all. The group has put a hand out, we've patted you on the butt to get you going again & it appears as if you've chosen another path on your journey. GOOD FOR YOU~!

In doing things for yourself you can start off small & work your way up.  Watch the sun come up tomorrow with a some tea, coffee or your favorite beverage. Go to a matinee & go see a movie you've been wanting to see. Go out for some ice cream, grab some lunch at a place you've been wanting to try. Go to a farmers market one morning. Go for a hike, a bike ride, or a simple walk. Have a cup of tea, coffee or some other beverage with a neighbor on your patio. Volunteer one day a month ... .check the internet for things to do where you live.  Grab a slice of cake at the grocery store for breakfast tomorrow~!     My point, the list is endless and you can work your way up. I've taken 3 trips in the last 3 months to see old friends that I haven't seen in awhile & you can get there too.

Go do one of those things or or one of the things on your list that you haven't done yet and come back here and tell the group what you did ... .it's rather empowering & you could give someone else the strength & courage they need to go do the same thing.

You got this KtotheK & we have your back 

J