Overwhelmed

[DRH12345]

Hi all,

Let me give a brief background before I jump in.  My wife and I met online through a dating site, immediately hit it off and very, very quickly got married and pregnant.  Her allure, beyond the physical attraction, was her willingness to "jump" with me and there's something attractive about someone you know is a little off.

Anyway, I have a 2 1/2 year old son who is my world.  His mother and I were friends before my wife and I met, but our friendship quickly faded due to my wife not feeling comfortable with the situation.  Fine, I understood, being OK with your spouse being on friendly terms with an ex takes a certain amount of maturity (Oh, she's 23 and I'm 32).  She has, from the beginning, demonized my son's mother in a very bizarre way.  Calling her a whore, evil, disgusting, trash, etc.  Claiming she tried to "trap" me into a relationship by having a child.  Which is insane, because she didn't even want the child. 

Fast forward a few months... .

We are both in therapy, I was diagnosed with BPD... originally I thought maybe Bi-Polar 2.  I don't see people as evil, anyone.  I don't have that wildly outlandish emotional response, that black/white when it comes to people.  Or things.  I'm very much in the gray and I'm very logical, ironically. Either way, we are both in treatment.

However, her demonization of my son's mother is spiraling out of control.  To the point where she has said different times that the only way we will be happy is if she's dead.  She has sent my mother messages condemning her for "defending" his mom.  Everything that happens comes back to my family trying to get me back together with her, and me wanting to be with her.
The reality is:  the situation is so volatile that I have my son dropped off at my mothers and then I pick him up from there to avoid allegations or catastrophic blow-outs.  Normally, this situation would be manageable, but she will be in my life for a long time... so the regression is alarming and ___ing terrifying.

I reached out to her therapist to explain the severity of the situation, understanding what she could and couldn't communicate due to regulations and law... I just wanted to give her perspective and, most of all, I was hoping to get some advice.  I literally don't know what to do, she's also 5 months pregnant. 

My only solution is to hope that her therapy helps and to mitigate any stress she is feeling to avoid these blow-ups.  Once the child is born, if she continues and doesn't improve, find her help on an institutional level.  Obviously this is all my doing for jumping into something so quickly and carelessly, but it's turning into a complete nightmare that I don't know how to get out of.

I appreciate whomever took the time to read this and provide feedback.  I will be very candid in answering any questions.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DRH12345]

To clarify:  If I ever express concern over her attacking my son's mother or try to explain to her that it is not normal, it's viewed as defending his mother... which perpetuates this fixed delusion that I ultimately want to get back together with her.  My emotional responses to her illogical thinking also serves to validate that delusion. (i.e. She tells me how "convenient" it is when my mother is out of town and I have to pick up my son directly from my son's mother, and proceeds to tell me she thinks it's part of my mothers plan to get us back together).  My response, at this point, is rage.  Partly because I understand that regardless of what I say, she will run with that idea and push and push and push, almost as if she's looking for that response.  So I expedite the process, I guess. 

Regardless of the severity of each individual's symptoms, I understand the two people with BPD in a romantic relationship, especially adding on external stressors like: pregnancy, marriage, bills, baby's mama, it's a recipe for a complete disaster. 

It's fairly regular for her to threaten suicide.  Two nights ago she did after I told her I needed to cool off and left.  She said she was going to crash her car.  My response was to tell her that I would be dead by the time she did.  That seemed to work and she quickly got off her own demise and focused on me.  I am in NO way suicidal and have never been.  This was simply an attempt to diffuse the situation, an act of desperation. 

Our fights are radical and, at times, violent.  There have been a handful of times I've had to pull a knife from her hands.  Her arms are constantly bruised from me restraining her, usually far harder than is required out of rage.  She has started to attack me physically over the past few weeks, hitting me, and my response is almost always to grab her around the throat and choke her for a handful of seconds. 

Two days ago, after her therapist forwarded an email I sent to her, she went into a rage.  She quickly demonized me, told me I would pay, said I would regret everything, claimed I was defending my ex, etc.  She ended up driving to my work (which is also rapidly deteriorating, I can't focus on anything and am feeling constant anxiety).  I closed my store temporarily and went out to the car.  She was screaming and crying and I was trying to assure her and explain that everything I sent to her therapist in the emails was pleading for help to save the marriage and how much I loved her, yada yada.  She grabbed a knife from somewhere, said "you did this" and tried to open the door and I presume exit the car. She was parked on a street, fairly busy.  Anyway, I restrained her, got the knife away and eventually calmed the situation down...

Later that evening, another mild blow-out occurred, this is when she threatened suicide and I countered by doing the same.  We both ended up in her car, both bawling, me telling her that she can't keep doing this... that I feel anxiety about even seeing my son... that my only memories from childhood were of my parents screaming at each other and that I would do anything to avoid putting my son through the same...

She said she understood why I emailed her therapist, she said she knows she needs help and that she was really upset because she liked her new therapist and said they had a "plan".  She didn't end treatment with my wife after all, so at least that's salvaged. 

Those are some of the darker details, I am trying to paint an accurate picture in order to receive pertinent responses.  I don't know what to do.  I'm also forced to have secret conversations with my mother and sister about the situation, which kills me, because I hate hiding ANYTHING... and it also causes me a great deal of added anxiety thinking that she will somehow find out.

Thanks,

[Turkish]

Hi DRH,

First,  I'd say to keep the communication open with your mom.  Having someone to support you is key and necessary so you don't get lost in all of this.  Keep this seperate. Your significant other doesn't need to know this.  Even if she assumes it,  it's good not to volunteer information which may inflame conflict.

Second, I'd your son safe given the level of conflict here? I'm concerned for you,  but I'm also concerned for your boy.  What has he witnessed? 2 year olds can talk; mine certainly did. 

Third, even if your SO has grabbed a weapon and threatened self harm, I'm concerned about you getting injured. You seem to be injuring her as well,  and on either side,  this can be escalated by either of you to the cops. This wouldn't be good for either of you.  Can you think of alternative responses to when she does this? It would be good to have a safety plan here: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

Take a look and let us know if this helps. 

My response, at this point, is rage.  Partly because I understand that regardless of what I say, she will run with that idea and push and push and push, almost as if she's looking for that response.  So I expedite the process, I guess.

I can understand how much what she says about your son and his mother (and your mother) pisses you off. It would me as well.  Getting focused upon such powerful emotions and following that path can lead to higher conflict, as you've experienced. We have tools here which can help you step back, detailed in Lesson 3 to the right of the board----->

This might help to start: 2.06 | Arguing - Don't Engage

2.02 | Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

[Meili]

Hey DRH,

I want to join Turkish in welcoming you and expressing his concerns.

Also, I want to let you know that I can somewhat relate to how it feels to have a SO carry on like that about the mother of your child. I experienced, albeit to a lesser degree, the same. My pwBPD (person with BPD) made all sorts of false accusations and showed erratic behavior about my ex-wife even though our child is an adult. After my pwBPD accidentally met my ex-wife, I was split black and an evil, horrible person who must want my ex-wife back (divorced 15 years at that point).

Behavior like that is hard to handle. There are ways to minimize it however. In addition to the links that Turkish provided, I wanted to be sure that you saw one of the basic tools in the sidebar on the right of the page: Ending Conflict. Learning to keep the situation from escalating and to not take part when it does can be a huge benefit.

Please keep posting and let us know that you and your son are safe and how things are going.